Chapter 18
"So no y/n you're not my princess anymore" the cruel words he spat at you kept ringing through his head all night, he saw how you broke down instantly when he said that, he didn't want to break you like this but he had to, he have to let you go so you'd be safe so you'd be with someone worthy of you, someone who would never let you die lie that. He lost you yesterday, and no matter what he says or do ever again, you'll never trust him or love him again, you shouldn't after what he did, you should hate him forever.
That feeling when you wake up the first time after getting your heart broken. It's the worst feeling in the world, for a minute your mind feels so hazy and like a nightmare, and you just wish for it to stop hurting, to stop feeling as if you'll never smile again, never be happy again. Never find someone to love again and that's how you felt when you woke up the next day, you felt numb and dead but it still did hurt so bad that you just wanted to stop it all, stop existing so it wouldn't hurt. How could your lo hurt you so bad? How could he leave you like this. The thought of not having him in your life anymore killed you, the thought of him being someone's else killed you, Aliksia , tha Name will haunt you forever. The woman who have his heart now, his princess that you'll never get to be.
You were such a fool to think he would marry a mortal like you, you're not worthy of being with a god, you never were to begin with were you? Your body worked on autopilot as you showered and got ready for the day, it's your day off so you can't even distract yourself with work today, but all you wanted to do was to just stop hurting for just a second. His love spoiled you and you can't help but like you'd never feel love again, you feel so broken, your heart won't ever be capable of loving anyone ever again. When you looked in the mirror you saw his marks on your neck, why did he touch you like that if he don't feel anything for you anymore. You got dressed up and put your makeup on then you packed your stuff from his room in a bag. You can't live here anymore, not in his room atleast, you only stayed because you hoped when loki would be back everything will be fine but that hope is gone.
You went to the dining area and there he was, with thor, Clint , wanda, Bucky and eddie. You didn't miss the death glares wanda kept giving him. He looked okay, so good, maybe he doesn't care about you anymore, maybe he did move on and all you want is for him is to be happy. If not with you then whoever he chose, maybe it's for the best, she must be immortal like him, she won't die so soon like you would. You wondered how she must look, must be pretty enough to sway him so easily. "Honestly I went home for like a week and you guys fought a war without me" you heard Clint complaining, Again. "It's not like we planned for it, well loki did not me" thor said. "Y/n" Clint looked at you and then at loki, they were silently trying to figure out what happened between you two last night.
Loki's eyes met with yours for a second before he looked away, he couldn't even look at you after how much he hurt you. All you have ever shown him was selfless love and affection he has never felt before and all he ever gave you was pain. "Good morning everyone" you say softly, "going somewhere?" Wanda asks you as she saw the bag in your hand. You walk up to them and look at loki "I got my stuff out from your room loki, you can stay in your room, sorry i lived there while you were gone" you say to loki and you see a flicker of emotion sweeping through his eyes before he composed himself again "Thanks for moving out" he said nonchalantly and you sat down next to Eddie. They all felt so awkward because of the thick tension that lingered between you both. "There are plenty of rooms in here right? Y/n can have one of those" Bucky said and wanda nods "I don't think I'm gonna stay here anymore" you speak softly and start eating your breakfast, they were having pancakes. "What happened to your apartment lady y/n?" Thor asks you as he side eyed loki "umm I had to let it go, Tony suggested that if I was living here I shouldn't waste my money on rent"
Loki's eyes teared up at that, his home with you, you let it go. He would never get to have you n him alone away from everyone in your little space again. His mind reminisced about all the memories he have made there with you, your first kiss, first time he had you in every way. You are acting like it's all fine, but he knows he have hurt you badly and he just wants you to move on and be happy again. "So where will you go? Did you look for a place?" Clint asks you "I didn't I was under the false impression that someday the love of my life would return and everything would be okay and we will figure out what to do and where to live but you wanna guess how wrong I was ? Completely wrong so I have to fend for myself but I'll find a place next to my job, honestly I don't like bothering you guys, you have done enough and I'm grateful but it's time for me to go back out there in the real world" you huff and everyone just got real quiet as they looked at loki.
He was hurt, you didn't look at him, your words didn't have any emotion and you just seemed very stoic, you were bottling up your feelings and it hurt him, he needed you to move on and be happy, he needed you safe. "I think I need to eat someone" venom comes out and he says to you "I'm coming with you we can live together forever y/n" you chuckle as you hear him he's like a child "no venni you can't come with me, I'm sorry but I'll come see you whenever I can" you pet his head and he purrs before letting Eddie come back again. Loki's heart broke every second he was around you, he shouldn't have come back, being around you is only making things harder for him. Do you think he stopped loving you? Did you believe him when he said he moved on? How can he ever move on, he'll never have someone so kind and pure to love again and he don't even want to find anyone.
But there's no way he will ever be forgiven for what he did with you last night, on the top of it he couldn't even stop himself from having sex with you, maybe you only did it because you thought he was still going to stay n be yours but he broke your heart, he made you feel used, he told you that you were not his princess anymore. He got up from his chair and left to his room "oh my god what the hell is wrong with your brother, what a man child" wanda says to thor "wanda don't.. don't ever say that again" your instincts to protect him interfered, just because he broke your heart that doesn't mean he have to lose his friends and peers too. He have suffered enough and you would never want to add to it.
You decided to stick around while you looked for a new place, whenever you passed by loki you'd avoid him as much as you can and he would do the same , you couldn't believe that this was happening with you and your lo, but he wasn't your lo anymore and you were not his princess anymore, he made it clear. When you finally found a place it was time for you to leave the tower, so you said your goodbyes to everyone, but loki ofcourse wasn't there, you had the stupid dagger you got for him for your one year anniversary, you know he wouldn't want it but it was of no use to you so you didn't want to keep it either. You knocked on his room and he opened it, when he saw you he quickly went inside his room, but he didn't shut the door so you figured he wanted you to come in atleast.
"I'm leaving in few minutes so just wanted to say goodbye and give you this" you pass the well wrapped dagger to him and he looks at you "what is this?" He asks you and you ask him to open it, there was a box inside it and it had a letter in it too that you totally forgot about "ooops that's garbage now " you take the letter out , ripped it and threw it in the trashbin in his room. "It's.. it's a dagger, got it for you for our one year" you laugh a little and he took the dagger out and held it in his hands as he admired it "I know you wouldn't want anything from me anymore, but I couldn't keep it either so..just throw it away, if it's of no use probably, very cheaply made as well so just discard it if you want, it wouldn't matter" you stutter, you spent your one month rent on it, but it was still cheap for a god. Your words broke his heart, you probably looked out for so many before you picked this one, you must have spent alot on it, and you got it with love, he don't deserve to have it. But he can't hurt you anymore. "It's beautiful y/n, thank you" he said softly.
"I should go" you say to him and turn around to leave "I just want you to move on and be happy, I want you to be safe prin...y/n" he said to you, ohh the audacity made you chuckle "ohh really? Awn, move on like you did?" He didn't miss the mockery in your tone, he never wanted to be someone ever to be on the receiving end of it but it's completely his fault that he is, you're bitter because he made you "You have no idea how hard it was for me to let you go like that" he mumbles and you shake your head as you tear up, is he really going to do this now, he ignored you for days after that night "I have some idea, I was there that night and it wasn't that hard for you Loki Odinson, you found a real princess so you discarded me as swiftly as you could and that's fair I would to if I was you, I would want the best too, I mean a real princess? Woah "
"Norns y/n that's not why.." he tried to interrupt as yours words cut him deeply, he never wanted you to feel like you were not enough for him, but before he could say anything you cut him off "you know I never actually felt like I was good enough for you, I mean you are a god and I'm just a mortal and not even the best one at that, I'm like below average when it comes to mortals, but the way you treated me I actually felt like...felt like someone important to you" your voice cracked but you wanted to let it all out, you have been holding it in too long "I felt like I meant something to you..but I never did did I? I was never your princess or anything for that matter, you said it yourself that you didn't ever need me like you thought you did" you start crying and he can't take it anymore, he wants to hold you and tell you that he didn't do any of that because he found someone else, or because of anything you just said, but because he was trying to save your life. But he have no right to hold you anymore, to be your friend, to be your lover, he lost everything that night.
"My only regret is that I believed that I would be loved like that by someone like you, for a while I believed that the love you poured in me was real, that I mattered, that I deserved it, I should have known my worth, should have known my place, should have known how mismatched we are, you are you and I'm just me loki, just stupid mortal y/n" you sobbed and you hid your face in your hands as you cried, heartbreak, you never really heal from it do you? He feels horrible, horrible wouldn't even suffice how he feels in the moment, is that what you think ? Is that how he made you feel that night?that the relationship meant nothing to him, that you never meant anything to him? Ofcourse he did, the cruel words he spewed while you kept on telling him that you loved him and you'd fix it, ofcourse that's how he made you feel. He made you feel inferior and used and hurt you beyond repair. "But I'll never make the same mistake again, thank you for teaching me that lesson loki, that no matter how loved someone can make you feel in the moment, it can change in the matter of days or even seconds. I begged someone to love me all those years ago, and I swore I would never do it again, I thought what we had was pure and real, you were my lo, I was your princess" you chuckle in between your words "so I begged you again, and realised that at the end I'll be abandoned no matter what I do, I'll be left alone, so very well then , I'm accepting it and I'll be okay with it. Atleast I wouldn't feel the pain I'm feeling right now, you want me to move on ? I will, you'll never hear from me again, I hope you enjoy your long happy life with your princess, my best wishes to you two"
You wiped your tears and you left his room, and he finally could scream and cry for you, he could finally let out all the feeling he had been hiding since you died in his arms, and once he did, once he realised what he has done, he also realised how awful he made you feel that night, how horribly he treated you, the lies he told you cut you so deep, that he couldn't even see his princess anymore. His princess who believed in him and his love, who always wanted to drown him in affection and get drowned in his, his princess who felt beautiful with him is feeling so worthless and empty, all because of him. He made you feel so inferior, so unworthy, he wanted to give you the whole world but all he gave you instead was pain, he broke your trust and he took your safety. How will he ever be able to fix it? Fix you? You mend his broken hurt, you sheltered him from Carla, what did he ever do for you? If he wasn't so insecure he would still have you.
When you left he cried for an hour, before he thought about the letter you ripped, the letter you wrote for your one year anniversary, he picked out the pieces from the trash bin and used his magic to make it whole again. After what he heard from you, he needed to hear or read your loving words, he have gone too long without them. He'll go insane and lose everything if he doesn't pull himself back from that space. He opened the letter and he could smell the perfume of yours you sprinkled on it
"My dear sweet baby lo,
I have never wrote a letter in my life, but there's a first time for everything right? And I have the perfect occasion, a year ago when you came to my door and asked me not go on that date, I don't think the immense sense of happiness I felt in that moment is something I'll ever be able to feel again, but then I did, I felt it again when you asked me to be yours, I felt it again, when you kissed me for the first time, I felt it again times three when you asked me out on a date and hugged me from behind as I made the tea for you, I felt it again my sweet love. That's when I realised that I had met the purest soul there ever could be and by some stroke of luck I was blessed to have you as mine. And I knew that with you in my life I'll continue to feel it again n again, you have made me the happiest person there ever could be, I feel loved, beautiful,safe and I feel so content when I'm with you, not a moment goes by where I'm not the happiest person on this earth when I think of you. You chose me to be yours, and sometimes I feel so unworthy of you, but then I feel the love you shower me with and all my insecurities gets disappeard in a second. I know we have had problems but just know this my little babylove as long as we are together, no power in the universe can ever hurt me and I won't let anyone hurt you ever again. You're going to spend the rest of your life being engulfed in love and affection and I have so much of it to give so be ready. You're probably tearing up so ill stop now and I hope you like the gift.
Maybe we can play with it later ;)
I love you lo and I always will❤️
Your Princess "
As soon as he finished the letter he couldn't stop the tears that fell from his eyes, what have he done to his sweet princess? You died in his arms and instead of cherishing you after you came back, he pushed you away again. He left you just like last time, he left you to figure out the aftermath of the torture you faced all alone, he left you to sleep alone n scared without his love n comfort. He made you feel so horrible about yourself, how would you ever forgive him even if he asked for it, even if he begged for it, would you ever take him back after what he did and said that night?
When you left that day you didn't look back, you didn't call him, didn't get in touch with him for weeks, you didn't even visit the tower because you knew you'd breakdown again if you see him. He still made you weak, you still thought about him every waking moment of your life. Loki wanted to beg for your forgiveness but he had no idea where would be even begin? Where would he even start to apologise for his mistakes? He needed you back, he needed his princess back, he needed to bring your hope back, your belief in love that you lost, he wanted to bring it back but how would he even manage to do it again. Sometimes he would just watch you walk home with barnes or Eddie he would burn with jealousy, do you like any one of them? Are you starting to feel something for him ? Especially barnes, he saw the way you would smile at him sometimes or laugh at his jokes, did he ever make you laugh like that? He knows that look, you looked at him like that when you both were just friends. Maybe he should just let you move on and find someone worthy of you, he wanted you happy, even if it killed him to see you with someone else.
So he did nothing but one day when barnes and eddie both couldn't be there because of a mission, a mission that was very important. A Mission that required his assistance too, but instead of being there he was outside your store to pick you up just so he could walk you safely, you found an apartment like two blocks away from the store which was perfect for you but he still needed you safe from any harm. His phone was buzzing because of his teammates trying to reach him but he didn't care, they can handle it. When you saw him outside you were surprised but you didn't react, you didn't smile and it did hurt him, but what did he expect? That you'd jump in his arms like you used to? "You're supposed to be on a mission?" You say to him as you start walking and he follows you "I know" he smiles a little as he gets right next to you, so close, you could smell him again. Why he is doing this to you? Has he not done enough "I can walk two blocks by myself loki, I don't need babysitters" you say to him annoyingly but when you saw that sad puppy look on his face it broke your heart. How can he still have the same effect on you? Will you ever be able to get over him?
"Thank you for looking out for me" you whisper and he gives you a smile. "How are you doing sweet y/n?" He asks you and you shrugg, trying to hide the fact that him calling you that made you blush "tired really" you mumble and he nods his head. "You?" You ask him and he looks at you "getting by like always" When you reach your place you thank him again and he watches you get in. Once inside you fell down on your knees right in front of your door and sobbed your heart out. He wished he didn't hear it because up until that point a part of him was ready for you to move on n find love again, but the sound of your cries made him so hurt, he wasn't riddened by his insecurities anymore and he wasn't blinded by his inability to protect you anymore, and he could finally feel the pain he had put your precious heart through. Do you still love him ? Would you give him a chance if he begged for it? He went to your door and sat down, he could feel you on the other side.
"Y/n?" He called out your name softly, so soft so gentle like he used to be before the shit went down "sweet y/n? Please don't cry" he whispered but instead of you finding comfort in his words, he heard your sobs turning into full on cries "Why lokii...why would you do that to me???" You yelled from the other side and he teared up too "Need you to calm down sweet girl, please?" He would explain everything he could, but he needs to comfort you, he needs to ease your pain. "How can I be calm lo? You left me, you destroyed me, you found another princess" you hiccuped between your words and it killed him to see you so tormented and him being the reason behind it made him want to destroy himself "I am sorry that I did, you think It was easy for me to do that? To send you away? To have my only sense of happiness and sanity gone like that? Can you open the door please? I can't do it like this" he whispered softly, but he didn't hear a movement , he put his head down on the door as he sighed "do you want me to leave sweet y/n?" He asks you hoping you'd stop him "you already did loki you already left when I begged you to not" oh how much this hurts him but he deserves it, he should have stayed, he shouldn't have left for Asgard, he shouldn't have left you that night, he shouldn't have fed you lies about him moving on, about how much he didn't need you, or that he found another princess, there would never be another one, you're his princess and always will be.
He should have stayed and given you the gift he got for you, he should have made love to you on your anniversary instead of you having to sleep alone, he should have been there to comfort you but he was so lost in his inability to protect you that he couldn't see how much he was hurting you "I know I did, and only if you'd just open the door I'll be able to explain why I di.." And you opened the door, he fell backwards on the floor since he was supporting his weight on it and looked at you as you stood over him with your arms crossed. So pissed, so hurt but so beautiful.
"Explain then go on"