Chapter 3
Chapter 3
Four days had passed, and Clarke had only agreed to see her mother for a few minutes, long enough for the doctor to do her exam and then leave.
She’d hated that her mom begged to stay a little while longer, and she hated that she knew it hurt her, but she wasn’t ready. She hoped she would be one day soon.
She was only just beginning to get her rhythm back with Lexa, and even that wasn’t great yet. They were tiptoeing around each other, trying not to hurt feelings or push too hard, and it was taking a toll.
At least she had been able to tell her mom that she loved her.
She did love her, and the words seemed to placate her mom for now.
“Do you want some tea?” Lexa called from the kitchen.
Clarke still wasn’t very hungry. Cooked food had absolutely no appeal to her, and vegetables and fruit, which she used to love, tasted like dirt in her mouth. She had enjoyed the steak Lexa had made for her but only because she left it extra rare and bloody, only heating it enough to take the chill off.
Tea she still liked, so she accepted Lexa’s offer. She hated that her voice still came out flat.
When her mate handed her the mug, she took a sip and sighed. She wanted the tea, but what she really wanted was to go outside and run, but her mom had begged her not to shift. Lexa had too, and she knew why.
Everyone was terrified that if she shifted into her wolf that she would be mindless once more. They feared that she would leave them again. No one knew what to expect from her since she was the first person ever to come back from such a state, and it was why they were so scared.
She was scared too because the allure was there. Things would be easier if she let go.
Part of her burden was that she could remember every moment that she had spent as a wolf, from the first time she caught and ate a mouse, to digging out her den. She remembered howling into the moonlit nights and getting howled at in return. She remembered fights over territory and the advances from alphas who saw her as a potential companion. She remembered snarling and nipping at those wolves, making them turn tail and run away from her because somewhere deep down inside, she knew she had a mate already.
It didn’t sound easy, but it was. It was simple. It was basic.
This life wasn’t simple or basic. It was hard and it was painful, and a lot of that was because unlike remembering her time as a wolf, she still couldn’t remember everything about this life. That was her other burden.
Lexa kept telling her stories, bringing up her favorite memories, but the majority were of things she couldn’t remember, and her not remembering was hurting her mate.
Lexa said it was okay, but Clarke knew better. She’d heard her alpha crying in the shower just that morning. She had told her about their first kiss. It was in Lexa’s war tent before Mount Weather had fallen, and try as she might, she couldn’t make the memory come back to her.
She didn’t even remember being called Wanheda, or the time she had spit in Lexa’s face because she had sent Roan to kidnap her and take her to Polis, and she didn’t remember the first time they slept together.
“I’m going to go sit by the pond,” she told Lexa, needing to get away from the memory of not having all her memories.
It was funny to her in an ironic way. She knew she had run away from this life to get away from her memories, but now she wanted to run away from this life because of the memories she no longer had.
She was just sitting on the bench by the water’s edge when she heard the back screen door open and close. She didn’t need to look behind her to know that Lexa was coming.
“Can I sit?”
This had been their routine for the past four days. She would go outside, and then Lexa would join her a few minutes later. She would have been disappointed if Lexa hadn’t come.
She scooted over and leaned into her mate.
There were still many things about this life that made Clarke uncomfortable, but Lexa wasn’t one of them.
Lexa was the only thing she could find solace in. Even when she couldn’t remember her human life, she knew she had a mate out there, and she had longed for that companionship.
“I know you are still uneasy at night.” Lexa stared at the water, watching dragonflies flit around and land on the cattails. “When we go inside, I want to show you something that I did, something that might make it easier for you to sleep in the evening.”
She glanced at her houmon (spouse/wife). Lexa was so in tune with how she was feeling, and what she felt most of all was fatigue.
She hadn’t been sleeping well. Part of it was that she was used to sleeping away most of the day and running and hunting at night. Her internal clock was still all screwed up and hadn’t adjusted to the human world yet. Another part was that her mind raced any time she tried to sleep, and that included when she tried to take naps. She kept chasing after memories that just wouldn’t surface.
When she was ready, she supposed she would need to talk to her mom about it. She seriously hoped that those memories weren’t lost to her forever because she knew some of the most cherished memories Lexa had were the ones that she couldn’t remember, and it was making her mate sad.
“You know you don’t have to do anything for me,” she finally said, unable to give her mate anything but a monotone answer.
“Yes, I do. You are my mate. I would do anything for you.”
“Will you tell me about the polar bears again?”
Lexa smiled. She had asked about them every single day, and Lexa told her about them and all the other creatures she encountered on her journey home.
Her attention was diverted when a duck landed in the pond. Her mouth instinctively started to water, and she had to clench her fists at her side to not lunge into the water to try and catch it.
Lexa had made her duck since getting back, and just like before, she hadn’t liked it. Her wolf did, but half of that was because they were fun to hunt.
Feeling Lexa’s eyes on her as she stared, she wondered what her mate was thinking. Was she regretting bringing Clarke back home? Was she regretting even coming home? She thought that maybe she was.
Clarke wasn’t making things easy for her, and because of her, Lexa still hadn’t spent time with their friends and family. Her houmon had dedicated all her time to her, and that wasn’t fair.
“You should go and see the others. You shouldn’t have to spend all your time with me. My mom would probably say it’s not healthy.” Clarke turned her head so that she would stop staring at the duck.
“I don’t want to spend time with them.” Unlike her, Lexa was still watching the dragonflies and the duck. “I want to spend time with you.”
Clarke needed to remember that she wasn’t the only one who was alone for sixteen months. Lexa had been too, and her time had been so much more difficult than Clarke’s. She had seen the scars on her mate’s body, and she noticed the limp in Lexa’s step. She had nearly died a dozen times trying to get back to her, so maybe it wasn’t a surprise that Lexa didn’t want to be away from her.
Standing, she took Lexa’s hand. “It’s not safe for the duck for me to be out here right now. Will you show me what you did inside?”
“I’d love to.”
“Lexa,” Clarke had tears in her eyes, and for the first time, they were because of happiness. “This is incredible. I can’t believe you did this for me.”
“It wasn’t a bother. It’s been kind of fun making this for you.”
Lexa had cleared out the storage space under their stairs and turned it into a den for her, or rather for them since there was no way Clarke was going to let Lexa sleep in the bed without her.
“When did you do all this?” Clarke looked at the space in wonder. The usually brightly lit space was dark and dim. Lexa had spread several inches of soft earth on the ground and laid furs over that. There was one small shelf that could hold a book and a candle, but that was it. There were no frills, and that was exactly as Clarke would have wanted it. It was cramped and small and perfect.
“I did it after you were finally able to fall asleep on the couch yesterday. I want you to have a space where you feel comfortable."
She stepped into Lexa’s arms and hugged her like she hadn’t yet. “Thank you. I love it.” Her eyes found Lexa’s. “I love you too,” she said with all the earnestness in her heart.
When Lexa collapsed in her arms crying, she realized it was because those were the words Lexa had been needing to hear for well over a year.
“I should have told you that already. I love you so much.”
She led Lexa into their new den and made her lie down. This time she made Lexa get in front of her so that she could hold her from behind.
Reaching back, she shut the door and blew out the candle so that it was dark. Holding Lexa in this new space was the first time she had felt true peace since returning home.
It made her do something else that she should have done days ago. She leaned in, peaked out her tongue to touch the sensitive skin on Lexa’s neck, and then she bit down, further reaffirming her love and commitment to her mate. Lexa let out another sob and Clarke pulled her arms around her tighter.
They fell asleep, and upon waking, Clarke finally felt rested. When she had led Lexa into the little room, into her den, it had been early afternoon, but now it was well after midnight, and Lexa was still asleep.
Nuzzling into her hair, she told her how much she loved her and then she slipped out of the room.
When Lexa found her, she was standing outside under the moonlight. She took her hand but didn’t say anything, not for a long time.
“I have trouble sleeping at night too.” Lexa was staring at the moon. “I travelled mostly in the dark. It was easier, and generally safer, and I am finding it’s hard to return to a regular sleep cycle. I guess you are too.”
“Maybe from now on, you and I will both be creatures of the night.”
Lexa shuddered. “I hope not, mostly for our friends’ and family’s sake.”
Clarke thought of everyone who loved them, of everyone she had hurt and was still hurting.
“You know Octavia is pregnant again,” Lexa mentioned offhandedly.
Clarke’s head sunk to her chest. She hadn’t known that. It made her think of the pups they had been planning to have before fate had played such a cruel joke on them. Now she didn’t know if they would ever have them. She doubted she was fit to be a mother.
“How is she? Is she healthy?” The first time Octavia had gotten pregnant, she’d had some difficulties, but with Abby as her doctor and a good dose of luck, she’d had a beautiful baby boy.
“From what I was told, she is doing great,” Lexa assured her.
“Good. That’s good.”
Another thing Clarke hated was that Lexa was getting all her information second hand because she hadn’t been able to spend time with any of their loved ones because she was making sure she was there for her.
“You should go see everyone tomorrow, and before you say no because you want to be here for me, I’ll be okay. I promise I won’t leave or do anything stupid except for hunt the duck if it’s stupid enough to hang around.”
“I know you won’t, but niron, I don’t want to go and see them if you aren’t with me. I’m not ready to be without you. I am not strong enough for that yet.” It was a huge admission from her mate.
“I guess we need to learn how to be strong again, both of us.” Clarke pointed when she saw a falling star. “Do you think we are being punished for all the things we have done?”
Lexa considered her question for a long while. “Unfortunately, I think this is just life. Some people have it better than others.”
“We used to have it better than others.”
“We did.” In the moonlight, Lexa looked hopeful. “I am confident we can have it again.”
“I hope you are right because right now, I feel like I have let you down, like I am still letting you down.”
“Klark, all you are doing is putting yourself down.” Lexa was no longer looking at the sky. “Everyone understands why you did what you did, even me, and no one expects that you are going to be the same person you were before all of this happened. All I want is for you to be happy again.”
“Me too,” Clarke said sadly. “I want you to be happy too.”
“We will be happy tomorrow,” Lexa tugged on her hand, leading her inside. It was too chilly to stay out for long. “If you aren’t then maybe you will be the day after that, or the day after that. We will find our happiness again. I know it.”
“I’m the reason you aren’t happy.” It was a truth that needed to be spoken.
Lexa shook her head. “I know it doesn’t seem like it, but I am happy. I got you back. No one has ever gotten their mate back from where you went, Klark, and I am willing to wait as long as it takes for you to find your happiness again.”
Clarke felt so terrible. It wasn’t that she was unhappy. She wasn’t, at least not when it came to Lexa, but she was unhappy that she couldn’t seem to find her way in this life again. She felt an emptiness inside her, and she knew it was because of the missing memories.
It was only a week ago that Lexa had found her and brought her home, and she remembered being flooded with memories when Lexa refreshed her mating mark. Most everything had come back to her then, but as they had travelled home, she lost so many memories of them again, and they were the most important ones, she knew it. The memories she was struggling to get back were the ones that made up the best parts of who she and Lexa were together.
“I’m not unhappy with you,” she needed Lexa to know. “It’s just that I feel broken, and I don’t know how to fix myself.”
“You don’t have to do it alone, please remember that.”
They both jumped, and Lexa stepped in front of Clarke protectively.
“Anya, where the hell did you come from?” Lexa snarled.
“I couldn’t sleep, so I was just going to come over here and make sure everything outside was okay. I swear I wasn’t going to disturb you, but then I heard voices out back…”
“It’s okay, Anya,” Clarke said, surprising all of them. “Come on in. I’ll make tea.”
Lexa and Anya exchanged looks, and Clarke didn’t miss the smile on Anya’s face.
Robotically, she walked to the kitchen, but Lexa stopped her. “I’ll make the tea.”
She knew what Lexa was doing. She was giving Anya time alone with her while Lexa busied herself in the kitchen.
“Lex.”
“Beja, Klark. She needs to see you.”
She closed her eyes and knew Lexa was right. It wasn’t fair, especially to Anya, to keep hiding.
“Okay.”
She walked slowly and paused when she noticed Anya pacing nervously across the carpet. The alpha was wringing her hands and looking uncharacteristically small.
“Anya.”
The woman lifted her head. Her eyes were filled with sorrow and joy, and Clarke wasn’t sure how it was possible that the two warring emotions could occupy space on Anya’s face at the same time.
“It’s so good to see you, ai lukot (my friend). I have missed you so much.” Anya gave her a weary smile.
“I’m sorry,” Clarke wanted to take a step toward her friend but wasn’t sure she was ready to be so close. “I wish I hadn’t had to leave you.”
“I understand…”
Sudden resentment flared in Clarke’s chest. “Please don’t say that. Mom said everyone understands why I did what I did, but I don’t believe that. Tell me you are angry. Tell me that I hurt you and that you hate me for what I did to you. Stop being so nice.”
Anya was so taken by surprise that it took a few moments to react, but when she did, she let everything loose. “Fine. You want to hear that I was angry, then I will tell you. I was. I was so pissed off at you that I tried to scrub all thoughts of you from my head. I had spent months trying to make things better for you. I was at your side every possible moment, but it didn’t matter. You threw all my efforts in my face, and you left me.”
The alpha started to cry. “You left me and didn’t care that I was the one who had to go back home and tell everyone who loves you that you had left them too, that you had gone without saying goodbye, that you had given up without giving us a chance to help.”
Anya picked up a book from the end table and looked like she was about to throw it, but she didn’t. “You fucking left me, Clarke Griffin, and I did hate you for that. I still do. You were my best friend, and you left me.”
This was what Clarke had asked for. She wanted everyone’s wrath, their true feelings, so why did it hurt so bad?
“You weren’t there when we needed you.”
The words were like a knife straight into her heart, and she felt like a monster for taking the only escape that she knew how to take.
“I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry doesn’t cut it, Klark.” Anya snapped at her. “Lexa brought you back to us, but you may as well have your head in the sand for all the good it has done. You are hiding in here. You are hiding from life.” Anya finally threw the book. “I mourned you. The least you could have the decency to acknowledge that, to acknowledge us.”
“Don’t you think that I am trying?” Clarke practically screamed. “Everything I look at, everything I see, reminds me of my months of misery, and the gaps in here,” she tapped her finger against her head so hard it hurt, “are making it impossible for me to move on because all I can remember is the pain, and the pain is why I ran from this life in the first place.”
She fell to her knees. “I just want the pain to go away. I got what I wanted. Lexa is here, she is real. I’ve got my best friend standing in front of me, wanting to be in my life, so why does everything still hurt so much?”
Anya landed on her knees next to her and pulled her into her arms. “Klark.” Damn her for saying it the way Lexa did. “I’m sorry. I am so sorry.”
They sobbed in each other’s arms.
“I need help,” she finally admitted. “I can’t do this with just me and Lexa. All I am doing is hurting her.”
“I’ll help you. We all will. I promise.”
Lexa, who would have heard everything, helped them to their feet and moved them to the couch. She gave them each a cup of tea. She was as wrung out as they were. “Niron,” her voice was raspy, “if you are serious, I think I know someone who can help you, because I don’t think we are the people who can assist you though this.”
“Who can possibly help me with this? No one has ever been through this before.”
No one had. She drank her tea down in one gulp. She was so desperate for help, but she just didn’t see how anyone would be able to do that for her.
Lexa took her teacup to refill. “Do you remember Gaia? She was an apprentice to the Flamekeepers.”
Clarke’s face started to crumple, thinking she didn’t remember the woman, but then the memory came back. “I do…I think. Isn’t she Indra’s daughter?”
“She is. She is a full member of the Order now.”
“Why do you think she can help?”
Lexa held up a finger. She took Clarke’s cup to the kitchen and refilled it. “I think she can help because she deals with matters of the spirit, of the soul, and I think at this point, that might be what you need.”
“I don’t know,” she was filled with uncertainty. “I don’t really know her.”
“I think that is why she could help. We are all too close to this. You need to have someone that you can open up to, someone that can listen without having their own feelings about it, but we’re going to have to ask if she will come here, because I can’t…I can’t…”
Clarke pulled Lexa onto the couch. “I know. I can’t either.”
Clarke woke up alone in the new den, and she panicked. Where was Lexa?
Then she smelled breakfast, and she felt stupid for overreacting.
Two weeks had passed, and things were getting better.
She hadn’t met with Gaia yet, but Gaia had been able to communicate with Clarke via radio, and she’d sent some useful information to her via messenger. Today was the day she would be meeting with the woman, and Clarke was filled with so much hope that if things didn’t go well, she was afraid she might spiral again.
Lexa leaned into the doorway. “Good morning. I made you breakfast.”
She was so grateful for her mate. Throughout all of this, Lexa had been patient, and they were working on recovering.
When Lexa had reached out to Gaia, the woman had recommended that Lexa could also use some counseling. She’d pointed out that Clarke and Lexa may not have had the same experience during their time apart, but the trauma was the same.
She and Lexa were just dealing with it differently.
At first, after Gaia had spoken to them, Clarke had nearly had a meltdown, realizing that she was doing a poor job of taking Lexa’s feelings into account during all of this.
She had tried, and she was aware that Lexa was in pain too, but she couldn’t get past her own turmoil to help her mate while Lexa was doing everything she could for her. She’d felt selfish and like the worst mate in the world, but after speaking to Gaia both together and then in private, Clarke realized that while she and Lexa were walking the same path, they were in different lanes, and they would be for a while.
They both needed to recover on their own before they could recover together.
Because of that, Lexa had taken a step back, but not away. She simply didn’t offer so much of herself to Clarke, and conversely, she had taken a step forward and was putting Lexa before herself when she could.
It was a give and take, and it was more like what they used to have. It helped her get control of herself, and it made her forget about some of her pain.
She had a purpose again, and that was taking care of her mate.
Where Lexa always made breakfast, she always made lunch, and then together they would make dinner. At night, they would cuddle and reminisce. Clarke would do her best to tell Lexa what it was like to live as just a wolf, and Lexa would tell her about her own extended period living on four paws.
Neither experience compared to the other, but it allowed each of them to get certain things off their chest while also sharing what they had gone through.
Clarke still thought it strange that she could remember her time as mindless, and it was beginning to bother her that they didn’t have a different word for it. Choosing to let go of her humanity and accept the animal within had not meant that she had been mindless. It was anything but.
She’d had thoughts and feelings and felt things like wonder and joy.
Looking back on it, she realized that humans didn’t give animals nearly enough credit for their intelligence and depth of being. Just because they lived differently didn’t mean that they didn’t have active minds.
Their nightly talks had allowed Clarke to voice this to her mate.
Every morning, someone would come to visit, but they were under strict orders from Gaia to not overstay their welcome lest she and Lexa get overwhelmed, especially her.
It had started with her mom, but then Anya came by again, then Raven, and then Octavia with her pup. Each day, someone new came around, and Clarke was slowly getting used to being around people again.
She knew it had been good for Lexa too, but she wouldn’t have if she hadn’t started asking questions and making her mate speak truthfully with her about her feelings and what she needed.
They were healing, but they weren’t even close to being out of the woods yet.
Clarke looked at her mate. Lexa was wearing a short-sleeved top and loose pants and had an apron on which was covered with oil stains and batter. She was a messy cook, and it was one of the things Clarke loved about her so much.
“I think I smell bacon.”
Lexa smiled. “You do.”
Clarke got to her knees and crawled out of the den, making sure to touch her mate as she got up.
Touch was important, and where they had started out only touching with hugs, the occasional chaste kiss on the forehead or lips, and with lying together, they had begun getting more familiar with each other again.
They hadn’t gone so far as to be intimate, but Clarke was hopeful that they would again with time.
“I’ll set the table then,” she said as she brushed a hand over Lexa’s hip.
When they sat at the table, no matter the meal, they no longer sat at opposite ends from each other like they used to. They sat catty corner to each other where it wasn’t uncommon for them to tangle their feet together as they ate or get so lost in staring at each other that they often needed to get up to reheat their meals.
“I like this,” she said, “eating with you.”
Lexa set a plate down in front of her. “Me too. We were always so busy before that we rarely ate at the table.”
Pain zinged through her heart, and she put down the fork she had only just picked up. At this point, she wasn’t sure why she was surprised that she didn’t remember that.
She was about to get up when Lexa stopped her. “Please don’t leave, Klark. It’s okay that you don’t remember. Gaia will be here later, and I know she’s going to be able to help you…to help us.”
Clarke never used to be a defeatist, but there were moments where she felt like she would never get her life back, and sometimes she wanted to give up again, but she knew she would never do that, because this time around, she didn’t want to forget Lexa.
Settling back into her seat, she picked up her fork again. “I hope she can.”
“If she can’t, then you and I, we can leave this place. We will go somewhere where we can make new and happy memories.”
Clarke loved that Lexa was willing to do that for her, but she would never allow it. She wouldn’t take Lexa away from her friends and family even if the offer was exceptionally appealing.
This time, she did get up from her seat only to plunk down on Lexa’s lap. “I can’t remember if I said it enough before, but you need to know I love you, so fucking much. You are the world’s most incredible mate, and I am so lucky to have you.” She planted a kiss on Lexa’s forehead. “That being said, I would never leave this place. It’s taking me time to feel it, but I know in my bones that this is our home. I am never leaving it again, and I am never leaving you. I love you.”
Lexa leaned into her touch. “I love you too, ai tombom (my heart).”