trepidation
Yelena remembers two of the three Christmases that she had in Ohio. They were normal to her. There was no indication to her that it was anything but.
But she remembers other kids in her daycare rambling on about how Santa ate their cookies and left behind so many new shiny presents. They ramble on about how their moms and dads had the day off and helped them put together and play with their new toys.
Yelena remembers looking at them in confusion when they turn to her to ask her about her Christmas. She’ll boast about how many gifts she got and all the things that she did with her family but only because she wanted to fit in. She didn’t get dozens of new toys, she didn’t make cookies with her mom or have her dad read her Night Before Christmas.
She and Natasha had a blanket fort and Natasha read to her the Christmas story book that she checked out from the library at her school. Natasha had traded away bits of her school lunch before break to acquire Oreos for them to share. Yelena got one new toy, not a dozen.
She didn’t chop down a tree or string up lights. She didn’t Have Christmas traditions like her friends. But it was normal and that was Christmas to her.
Here at the Barton farm, things are different. They’re new and slightly unsettling but Yelena likes it. Yet, her mind won’t be quiet, dredging up old memories from when she was a young child.
She stares up at the ceiling of the guest bedroom late at night, trying and failing to get any sleep. The tracker around her wrist chafes and her abdomen is hurting again.
Natasha is fast asleep beside her. She didn’t need her handcuffs quite as often anymore, something that Yelena envies. She doesn’t understand how she got used to not needing them.
Yelena would like nothing more than to get rid of them, yet without it, she feels naked. They make her feel safe and secure in an odd way, something that she knows they shouldn’t.
Girls don’t sleep handcuffs to bed. But the handcuffs dig into her wrist and holds her tight, keeping her from wandering away. It tethers her mind to her body and stops her from running.
Yelena unlatches her handcuff and curls onto her side, tucking her arms around her abdomen as she stares out the slit in the curtains where the moonlight peers through into the room.
She’d only been at the farm for two days and already was it so much different than when she was a child. Yelena sits up, shoving down a flinch at the sharp jolt of pain through her abdomen. She slides out of bed, murmuring to Natasha that she’d be right back.
Yelena slides along the wall in the hallway, stopping just outside of Cooper’s nursery. She can’t help but poke her head in, watching the toddler sleeping peacefully in his crib for a few moments. She then continues on downstairs, creeping past where Maria was in the living room to enter the kitchen. She froze at the sight of a sleepy Laura sitting at the kitchen table, a blanket draped over her shoulder as she nursed Lila.
“Hi, honey,” Laura greets her, beckoning her in. “Did you need something?” She questioned.
“No…” Yelena wasn’t quite sure why she was even up. “I just… can’t sleep.” She says quietly. Laura pulls out the chair next to her and Yelena slowly lowers herself into it.
“Are you feeling alright?” Laura cradles Lila in one arm as she reaches out to press a hand against Yelena’s face. “You’re a little pale?”
“I’m okay,” Yelena sits still and lets Laura smooth her hair back. She did feel a little unwell but she doesn’t mention it. “What do we have planned for today?”
“Photos and shopping,” Laura replies, finally pulling her hand away to focus on Lila. Yelena won’t lie and say that she doesn’t miss the touch. “Would you hold Lila for a moment?”
Yelena nods, holding her hands out and accepts the small baby that Laura carefully transfers into her arms. Lila is just as warm and snuggly as she was last time. Laura asks her if she wants to learn how to burp Lila and Yelena has nothing better to do so she nods.
Patting the baby firmly on the back seems like hitting in a way. Yelena’s very uncomfortable with the thought of just making Lila cry on accident if she pats her too hard. Laura is patient though. She has a hand on the back of the chair Yelena was in, showing her how hard she had to pat.
Lila burps, letting out a soft sigh of contentment almost immediately afterward and Yelena can’t help but smile slightly. Lila tangles her fingers into a strand of Yelena’s hair, tugging lightly as she attempts to stick the fistful of hair into her mouth.
“I thought babies slept all the time,” Yelena comments. Lila looked very much awake at the moment.
“It depends on the baby. Cooper was a happy boy, quiet and easy. Lila’s loud, she likes everybody to know that she’s there,” Laura lets out a chuckle. Yelena frowns slightly, wondering what kind of baby she was. “She really likes you.”
Yelena looks down at where Lila was drooling on her pajama shirt. “How do you know?” She asked. She never learned to read the body language of infants.
“She’s not screaming her head off,” Laura points out with a tired smile. “She knows who you are. She remembers you.”
“You think so?” Yelena questioned. She couldn’t remember anything before Ohio when she was an infant.
“I know so,” Laura replies before glancing at the clock. “It’s getting pretty early. I’ve got to try and settle Lila down before she wakes anyone else up.” She reaches out and Yelena relinquishes hold of the baby back to her. “Are you nervous?”
The question sets a sharp jolt through her abdomen and Yelena shoves the pain away in a little box in the back of her head so that she doesn’t worry Laura. “Maybe a little.” She confessed. The truth was that she was so anxious that she thought about running, the only thing stopping her being the chafing tracker on her wrist. Only Maria really knew how nervous she was.
“It’s okay to be nervous. Sometimes things seem scary but if we don’t take risks then we might never know what might have been,” Laura cradles Lila against her with one hand, the other reaching out to briefly cup one side of Yelena’s face. “But you have people right here to support you and help you up when you fall down.”
While the statement is meant to be reassuring, it does nothing but makes Yelena feel guilty that she’s keeping her pain and struggle a secret. “Okay.” She says quietly. She flinches slightly when Laura stands and kisses the top of her head. Laura moves toward the exit of the kitchen.
“Try not to stay up too late,” Laura says softly. “G’night, sweetheart.” She then turns and leaves, leaving Yelena to sit alone at the table.
“You look tired,” Maria comments to Yelena. They were taking two cars to get to the shopping center.
Because Yelena had to keep in close proximity to Clint, at least while he had the other half of the tracker, they took two cars. Natasha was with Laura and the little ones in one car while Yelena rode with Clint and Maria in the other.
“I’m fine,” Yelena murmurs, glancing out the glass window to where the grass was sprinkled with frosted tips. Natasha wasn’t there to call her out on her lie.
They head to the photography place first. Yelena was a little surprised about the sweaters that Clint and Laura produce for them to get changed into. They all matched, bright green and cherry red yarn stitched together to produce an eyesore of a sweater. The fabric is soft, if a little itchy, but Yelena feels weird in it.
The Red Room had uniforms. All girls dressed the same, there was no individuality there. And while Yelena had been able to explore what she liked in clothes, she still wore matching uniforms with the rookies for when she was with Bobbi working out.
But this… this was different. This wasn’t like uniforms erasing personalities or a way to erase your identity. This was matching to be a part of a family, something that Yelena still hesitated about. This was inclusion, the Bartons opened their arms to them and Yelena was willing to walk right in.
The photographer grins when he sees their matching sweaters and immediately sets upon posing them.
Then, when he learns of Natasha and Yelena being sisters, he suggests that they take photos of just them.
Yelena only has one photo from her childhood of her and her sister together. It’s eleven years out of date but it is one of her most treasured possessions.
This is different than the photos she remembers taking as a child. In those, she was always told to look happy and they would get frustrated with her when she didn’t want to change out of her clothes a bunch of times to take photos for holidays that haven’t happened yet.
There were plenty of photos taken. Yelena holds Cooper on her lap when Clint and Laura get photos done on their own, Lila in her car seat at Maria’s feet.
Yelena feels the stares of people as they enter and exit the shop and she knows that she looks incredibly silly in the horrible bright sweater that the Red Room would have destroyed her for wearing. Any other teenager would have put up a fuss but Yelena is happy to be there and be included.
Yelena asks if she can keep the sweater when they finish changing back out of them.
Clint tells her that they bought it for her. It’s hers.
Yelena plans to put it with her drawer of important things when she gets back to SHIELD.
Yelena doesn’t think she’s actually gone Christmas shopping before. She doesn’t have money of her own and when Natasha tells her that she’ll cover it, Yelena isn’t sure of who to buy gifts for.
Clint finally passes over the tracker he has to Maria so that she can go with Yelena and Natasha to Christmas shop. He’s technically not supposed to do that but the rules were set in place before it was known that Maria would be going as well.
Then there are three girls who have never had to purchase Christmas gifts before trying to figure out what they’re supposed to do.
It takes them a lot longer to get their shopping done. Yelena keeps leaning against shelves when she looks, trying not to draw attention to the obvious pain she was feeling. She was having a good day so far, she didn’t want it to stop.
Yelena ends up buying a gift for each Barton, her sister, Maria, Bobbi, and Skye. She holds the bags close, eyeing the busy crowds around them as she does her best not to get separated from Maria.
When they finally get back home and Yelena had stored the gifts away to wrap that night, Laura promising to help them do it. Clint suggests that they make up an apple pie for dessert.
Yelena finds herself in the kitchen with Laura peeling apples as the others take more time putting their things away. Yelena just wanted something to focus on other than the pain. Yelena ducks out of the kitchen briefly as Clint was entering and the man stopped her, pressing a kiss to two fingers and then pressing his fingers to her temple. Yelena blinks a few times at the odd action before her eyes flicker up to peer at the mistletoe.
Clint grins at her as he enters the kitchen. Yelena didn’t mind the action, especially since he didn’t actually kiss her. She wasn’t sure if she would be able to handle that. She heads to the bathroom and splashes some cold water on her face to try and focus on the cool water rather than the pain in her abdomen.
As she heads back out toward the kitchen, she sees Maria and Natasha talking as they enter together. Clint stops them, a grin on his face as he cheerfully points out the mistletoe hanging over them.
Yelena watches as Maria looks down at Natasha before she leans down. Natasha was frozen in place as Maria aimed a kiss to her cheek. Natasha then breaks out of her trance and turns her head to look at Maria, causing the commander to kiss her lips instead.
Yelena’s breath catches inside her throat at the sight of them kissing. Her heart beats hard inside her chest as the girls jerk away from each other.
“Natasha, I--” Maria starts but doesn’t manage to get anything else out of her mouth before Natasha bolts. The backdoor swings open and Natasha flees.
Yelena immediately takes after her.
“Yelena, stop! Your tracker!” Maria calls out. Yelena stumbles briefly, looking down at the piece of equipment on her wrist before she dislocates her thumb and slides it off easily, chucking it back toward the house before she darts after her sister once again.
Fuck the rules. Fuck Christmas. Fuck the mistletoe.
Yelena promised to follow her sister to the ends of the earth.
She meant it.