nerves
Yelena finds herself kneeling in front of the dresser the next day, sifting through her clothes as she tries to decide which ones to take with her to the farm. She didn’t really have a lot of winter clothes and was wearing one of her only long-sleeved shirts, her favorite mustard yellow sweatshirt, and a pair of black cargo pants.
Yelena was debating about taking Captain the cat with her when there was a knock at their door. “It’s Hill.” A voice calls out.
Natasha moves away from the duffle bag she was packing, opening the door. “Hey, Maria. What’s up?”
“Hey, Nat,” Maria looks tired as she smiles at her before she glances past her into the bedroom. Yelena watches as their eyes meet. “Hey, Yelena. Can we talk?”
Yelena frowns in confusion, suddenly worried that she had done something wrong. She had been trying very hard to be good and she was planning to leave with Clint in a few hours to go to the farm.
“It’s nothing bad,” Maria clarifies when she sees her face. Yelena slowly stands, pushing the drawer she was rifling through as she moves toward the door. “Is it okay if we talk in my office?”
That meant that she didn’t want Natasha to hear the conversation. Maria looked slightly nervous and Yelena is wracking her brain for why she was so anxious. She glanced at her big sister who had picked up on Maria’s behavior but didn’t pry, before she nods her head and lets Maria brace the back of her neck to lead her to her office.
As soon as the door closed behind them and Yelena takes a seat on the couch, Maria spoke up. “I’m sorry.”
Her apology startled Yelena slightly. She thinks of why Maria could have been apologizing. “Why?” She asked.
“For yesterday,” Maria said but that didn’t really clear things up. Maria takes a seat next to Yelena on the couch. “For my harsh reaction. I raised my voice and got upset. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I appreciate you looking out for me.”
“You didn’t hurt me.” Yelena frowns. She had been with Goose in the corner for the conversation.
“Not physically. Fury told me that this whole thing was your idea. I got very upset with it,” Maria wraps an arm around Yelena’s shoulders.
“If I knew that you wouldn’t want to go… if I knew that you felt that strongly about it then I wouldn’t have asked,” Yelena admits quietly. She didn’t mean to upset Maria. The thought that maybe she was the reason that the commander looked so tired flickered across her mind.
“I know…” Maria gives her a smile that looks a little tight on her face before it falls slightly. “I’ve just been very stressed lately. I haven’t celebrated Christmas in a very long time.” Maria was quiet for a few moments. “I’ve told you about my father, yes?”
Yelena remembers Maria sharing a bed with her at her apartment while Natasha was taking down the Red Room without Yelena knowing. Yelena couldn't sleep so Maria told her to ask her anything. Yelena had found out about Maria’s less than ideal home life growing up then. “Yes.”
“I didn’t celebrate Christmas growing up. My first proper Christmas was in the army and ever since I left, I haven’t celebrated it since,” Maria’s voice was quiet as she reminisces.
“I haven’t celebrated it since I was six,” Yelena offers, unsure of what exactly Maria needed from her.
“I know,” Maria pulls Yelena closer. “Are you nervous?”
Yelena frowns slightly. “Very.” She admits quietly. “I don’t… I don’t want to mess something up or do something wrong.”
“There is not a ‘proper’ way to celebrate. Everyone celebrates differently. There aren’t rules so you can’t do anything wrong,” Maria explained, her fingers running over Yelena’s hair. Yelena leans against Maria. “I’m… nervous too.”
“I’m sorry,” Yelena apologized. “I didn’t mean to--”
“No,” Maria interrupts her and Yelena swallows down the rest of her apology. “You don’t need to be sorry. I’m not upset with you, Yelena. I’m not mad. Do you understand that?”
Yelena thinks of how harshly Maria had reacted to the news the previous day and the way that she looked so tired today. She doesn’t exactly believe Maria. She wants to so badly but she can’t.
Maria understands her silence. “I’ve been under a lot of stress recently. I have no family so the thought of celebrating Christmas again was just a lot.” She leans her head back as she talks, a small frown on her face. “And I’m sorry that you got caught in the crossfire at my lapse in composure.”
Yelena eyed Maria with a frown on her face before she shuffles to adjust herself before swinging a leg over Maria’s lap and straddling her. Maria looks up at her in confusion, freezing when Yelena wraps her arms around her. “You are my family, Maria.” Yelena tells her quietly. “And I would like to celebrate my first proper Christmas with you. You deserve to have one too.”
Maria sits in stunned silence and after a few moments, she brings her hands up to embrace Yelena back. Yelena feels Maria press her face into her shoulder.
“I love you, Maria.” Yelena whispers, unsure of how Maria would take the statement.
Maria pulls her closer, her fingers gently clutching bits of Yelena’s sweatshirt. “I love you too, Yelena.” She whispers, her voice cracking.
“You keep telling me that I deserve nice things but you deserve nice things too,” Yelena briefly wonders if anybody ever told Maria that. “And I’m nervous for Christmas but I’m also really excited. And I’m scared that I’m excited because I’m not used to looking forward to the future. But you’re nervous too and maybe we can be nervous together?”
She feels Maria swallow hard and nod into her shoulder. “Yeah.” Maria said quietly, her voice thick with emotion. “That sounds good.”
Yelena rests her cheek on Maria’s shoulder, content to just hold Maria and be held in turn.
They had to take two cars to the farm. Clint’s truck couldn’t hold all four of them and Maria had her own car that she could take.
They’re talking about who would rid with who when Maria holds up the dreaded tracker to Yelena. Yelena immediately grimaced but sticks her wrist out and lets Maria secure the tracker to her wrist. Clint has the matching device that would warn SHIELD when Yelena strayed too far from him. It was just a black square that he could stick in his pocket or clip onto his shirt and Yelena could easily swipe it and run but she would be noticed very quickly.
Finally, it was determined that Yelena would ride with Clint due to her tracker while Natasha rode with Maria. Natasha was originally going to ride with Clint and Yelena but Yelena didn’t want Maria to drive alone the whole time. This way, Yelena wouldn’t end up squished in the middle between the two.
For the first part of the drive, it was mainly quiet. Clint let Yelena take control of the radio and play whatever she wanted. Yelena finds a station that played music she remembered listening to as a child on the radio in the car.
It’s not until they made their mandatory stop for snacks and Yelena and Clint are swapping sweets that Clint finally strikes up a conversation.
“Laura said that you called her,” He starts, glancing at her briefly. “You were asking about Christmas. Is there anything else that you want to know before we get there?”
Yelena eats a handful of M&Ms as she thinks. “Do you have a tree?”
“Yes. Laura picked up a real tree at the lot and it is set up and ready to decorate,” Clint tells her with a small smile.
“It’s real?” Yelena asked. The ones that she remembered as a child were fake plastic ones so that her not-mom didn’t have to constantly clean up pine needles from the ground. It was fake, just like everything else.
“Yup. Laura likes the way they smell so we get a real one,” Clint nods his head.
“And you haven’t decorated it yet?” Yelena questioned as Clint shoves a chip into his mouth, chewing thoughtfully before he answered.
“No. We decorate it as a family. Cooper put even helped put an ornament on the tree last year,” Clint tells her.
“I wasn’t allowed to touch the tree or decorations when I was little,” Yelena tells him after a few moments of deliberation. “Or the empty boxes under them.”
Clint eyes her with a small frown. “Empty boxes?”
“Yeah. For show or to take pictures with…” Yelena nods her head before she trails off. “Do you… do you not have empty boxes?”
“All of the wrapped gifts under the tree have something in them,” Clint assures her. “Nothing is fake and you can touch any of the decorations that you want.”
“What if I break something?” Yelena remembers being so curious when she was younger and just needing to touch this one ornament. She had touched it and it fell off the branch and shattered onto the ground. Her not-dad had been pissed at her, yelling at her for touching what didn’t belong to her. He made her pick it up off the ground and she cut her finger open. Her not-mom had gotten home from grocery shopping, saw that she was injured, and got into an argument with him.
“Accidents happen.” Clint tells her. “Yelena, the only thing you could do that would make me genuinely very upset at you would for you to hurt my children and you don’t plan on doing that, do you?”
“No!” Yelena doesn’t mean to raise her voice. “I would never!” She tells him firmly.
“Then anything you do is forgivable. If you break something then you break it. I know that you wouldn’t do it on purpose,” Clint reassures her, popping another chip into his mouth.
Yelena leans her head against the window and after a moment she starts to tell him what she remembered about her own Christmases as a child. Clint in turn tells her about his own experiences of Christmas as an orphan in the circus.
Yelena had been so engrossed in talking with him that she didn’t realize how quickly the time passed. Before she knew it, they were pulling up to the farm.
Laura had Lila cradled against her in a sling and greets them with a smile. She pulls Yelena into a hug when she reaches her. Yelena is careful not to crush Lila between them but something about Laura’s hug just makes her want to melt into her. “Hi, sweetheart. Have a nice drive?” Laura questioned and Yelena nods.
Laura greets Natasha the same way. When she sees Maria standing there awkwardly, she moves forward. “Maria, it’s great that you could join us!” She pulls Maria into the same hug. Maria is a little stiff but embraces her back carefully after a moment.
“I’m really glad that I could,” Maria said softly when she pulled away.
“Come on. Let’s get you inside,” Laura urges. Cooper had darted outside and Clint had scooped him up into his arms to greet him. “I have dinner ready.”
Tension rolls off of Yelena’s shoulders when she steps inside. She was finally here. This was really happening.
Natasha wrapped an arm around her shoulders and briefly squeezed her close. Yelena smiles up at her, happy to see that Natasha looked nearly as relaxed as she did.