conversations
“So…” Clint shoots another arrow at the target in front of him. “I don’t wanna push so you can tell me to shut up if you want… but…”
“Just spit it out,” Natasha tells him, watching as he pulls another arrow from his quiver from where she had perched atop a sealed crate of ammo.
“I wanted to talk about the farm. Approval was for about a week to two weeks. I wanted to ask about Christmas. When was the last time you’ve done Christmas?” He asked her, getting ready to shoot another arrow.
“When I was eleven,” Natasha replies, watching him hold his breath before letting the string go. “Yelena was six.”
Clint nods his head. “Did you have any traditions that you wanted to do while you were with us?”
“Not really. Christmas… wasn’t actually really celebrated. I mean, they put up decorations but that was just to keep up appearances. Yelena and I weren’t allowed to touch them. All the gifts under the tree were just empty boxes,” Natasha goes on to explain, resting her chin on her knee, lazily swaying her other leg off the side of the container. “We got a toy the morning of but it was really only so we had something to brag about to the other kids at school.”
Clint paused, thinking for a few moments as he fiddled with his bow before nodding. “Laura and I have a few traditions that we’ve started since we’ve been together and if you don’t mind, we’d like to share them with you.”
“Like what?” Natasha tilts her head to the side, observing the way Clint had started to change his body language when he warily approached the topic.
“Well… on Christmas morning, we eat cinnamon rolls. Laura makes the best cinnamon rolls ever. We wear matching pajamas on Christmas Eve. Christmas Eve is devoted to watching Christmas movies, drinking cocoa, and baking cookies to Christmas music. We also have a family photo that we take in ugly Christmas sweaters,” He goes on to explain. He paused to turn to look at her. “You and Yelena don’t have to do any of that if you don’t want to.”
“You want us in your family photo?” Natasha questioned, wondering why he would even mention it otherwise.
“Well… yeah. You and beanie baby are part of our family now.” Clint sets his bow down, approaching her and hoisting himself up to sit on the crate next to her. “I… don’t think that you guys actually have any photos of yourselves.”
“Yelena has one that was taken when we were children,” Natasha comments. “But just the one. Widows were taught not to leave traces of themselves behind. That included photographs, videos, fingerprints, and strands of hair.”
“Like I said, you and Yelena don’t have to do anything that you aren’t comfortable with,” Clint reassures her, reaching out to set a hand on her shoulder. “But I’m gonna need you to communicate that with me. I know that you two aren’t the, ah, best at talking.”
“I.. uh…” Natasha really doesn’t know how to reply. “Why?” She wants to know why he wants her and her sister as part of them. He’s known her for barely a year. Sure, she’s met his wife and his children but he was her partner. She trusted him. But to invite her into family traditions, and family photos, that was something entirely different.
“Because you’re family, Nat. There doesn’t need to be a reason more than that,” Clint tells her but he doesn’t understand. There does have to be another reason. Family… Natasha had a skewed perspective of family. Family was Yelena. Family was her baby sister and that was it. Yelena was all the family that she ever needed.
“Your children are young. They won’t even remember this,” Natasha comments, changing the subject that got uncomfortably close to a wound that hadn’t quite healed over yet. “Why bother?”
“We’re not just celebrating for them. Laura and I celebrate for us too. But when they’re older, they’ll have photographs and memories to tell to their own children,” Clint squeezed her shoulder.
Natasha peers down at her lap, deep in thought. “Can I ask you something?”
“Of course,” Clint gently bumps her arm with his. “You know that.”
“Did you… did you ever consider terminating the pregnancy before you had your first baby? Or not keeping it?” Natasha inquired. Clint was quiet for a few moments and Natasha was afraid she had overstepped. “You don’t--”
“Cooper wasn’t planned. He was a surprise and we only found out because Laura got morning sickness on a mission and had to call for extraction. Laura had worked hard to be an agent. She loved being one. We… did think about terminating him at one point. But we ultimately decided not to,” Clint was nothing but honest with her. “And as soon as I saw him, all wrinkly and pink on Laura’s chest, I fell in love with him. That was my son, my little guy.”
“Was it hard?” Natasha asked him.
“Of course it was. We were both agents and at first we tried to juggle that with being parents. Ultimately, it was decided that one of us would retire to look after him full time and find someplace safe to settle down. Laura became a stay-at-home mom while I continued to work,” Clint glances down at her with a frown. “What brought this on?”
“Yelena and I don’t have parents. I was found abandoned in a dumpster and Yelena was given up. We never had… we didn’t have people like you and Laura. I see you with your kids and I… I just wonder what would have happened if I had that. I mean, I know I wouldn’t have Yelena. But… I dunno,” Natasha can’t even remember why she brought the topic up. “Nevermind.”
Clint wraps his arm around her shoulder. “I’m sorry that you didn’t have people that loved you and wanted the best for you growing up. You deserve that. You and Yelena both deserve that. And it’s not much but you have your family here at SHIELD. You have the Barton family. You and Yelena are loved.”
Natasha squeezed her eyes shut at the last word. “I don’t know how to be part of that.”
Clint pulls her closer. “You already are.”
The door opens and Natasha immediately pulls away from Clint. Maria entered the room, pausing at the sight of them. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt.”
“Nonsense, we were just discussing Christmas,” Clint tells her. “What’s up?”
Maria looks at Natasha. “Yelena got into trouble.”
“What?” Natasha slides off the crate. “Where is she? What happened?”
Maria goes on to explain that Yelena and Skye had pulled a prank that ended in disaster and that the girls had already been punished but had a little bump in the road with Coulson.
“Make sure that your sister shows up to dinner,” Maria tells Natasha.
Natasha isn’t sure whether she should be annoyed that Coulson had distressed her sister in such a way or thankful that Maria, as always, stepped in to help her little sister. “I will.”
Maria apologizes once again before she takes her leave and Natasha turns toward Clint. Clint waves his hand. “I get it. Go check in on our beanie baby.” He says.
Natasha leaves in search of Yelena. She finds her easily, knowing the places that she liked to frequent.
Skye was with Yelena and the two were sitting hip to hip as they played on Yelena’s Game Boy. Natasha could tell that the two had been crying and she tries not to think about turning around to snap at Coulson and land herself into trouble. Yelena perks up when she sees her, passing the device to Skye and scrambling up to wrap her arms around her.
Natasha holds her close, pressing a kiss to the top of her head. Yelena clings to her and Natasha resists the urge to pat her down for injuries. “Are you okay?” Natasha asked her in Russian.
“I am now kinda…” Yelena murmurs. “My head is kinda full… Coulson… he scared me a little. He said that if I wasn’t good then I couldn’t go to the farm for Christmas. Maria says that he can’t take that away from me.”
Natasha knew that she was still unsure and fearful that they really would take it away. “I won’t let them. Don’t worry.” Natasha pulls their foreheads together, cupping the back of Yelena’s neck and giving it a gentle squeeze.
Yelena leans against her with a soft sigh before pulling away. Natasha peers down at Skye who was doing her best to make it look like she wasn’t trying to listen in to their conversation. “Do you wanna sit with us?” Yelena offers. Natasha hadn’t really gotten along with Skye ever since Yelena said she had a crush on her. Which was her fault, Natasha shouldn’t have been so cold to Skye because of that but she hadn’t apologized for it.
“Yeah,” Natasha said after a few moments and sat on the other side of Yelena. Whenever Yelena or Skye got stuck on a hard level, they’d pass it to her to try. Yelena would press against her side and Skye would clamber over Yelena to peer over her shoulder to watch the screen.
Natasha hadn’t had much experience with video games and she wasn’t very good but she found the few games that Yelena had to be rather enjoyable.
By the time dinner rolled around, Natasha passes the game back, climbing to her feet and offering her hand out to Yelena.
“Are you coming?” Yelena questioned Skye, holding her hand out to her.
“Uh, I’m not really hungry…” Skye said quietly and Yelena frowns.
“Maria said we had to show up to dinner and eat,” Yelena reminds her and Skye lets out a sigh but reaches up to take Yelena’s hand. “You can sit with me and Natasha if you don’t wanna join Coulson.”
“Yes, please,” Skye murmurs and the trio head down to the cafeteria to get dinner. Skye sits next to Clint and Natasha takes the moment to observe her body language.
She wasn’t sure why she was so hostile to Skye. Perhaps because she saw a teenage girl and thought ‘competition’. It’s not normal to think that but any girl could be a Widow or an assassin and Natasha learned never to judge on appearances. She had seen girls as young as six kill a fully grown man without batting an eye.
But whatever the hell Coulson said to them had really shaken them and Natasha sees the young girl that Skye is, with a tray full of food in front of her and looking around warily like she was going to get in trouble.
Yelena leans on the table, reaching across to swap a few of her tater tots with Skye’s fries. Yelena prompts her to eat and engages her in conversation.
Skye finally starts to eat with Yelena, listening as Yelena talks about a few games Hunter said he had and he was going to see if he could dig out of his ma’s attic.
Clint gently nudged her foot under the table to get her attention and when she peers at him, he raised an eyebrow to ask her if she was okay.
Natasha was struggling a little but it was nothing. She was fine. She inclines her head but Clint seems to know her better than that.
She’s not sure how to feel about the fact that she let someone get so close that they can read her like that.
Some part of her is content.