winter
Yelena asks Fury first. She knows that she had broken his trust by running off and forcing him to contact the world council about the missing child assassin but she had hoped that because she was talking to him about Maria that he would listen.
Fury leans back in his chair, listening as Yelena quietly tells him how she wanted Maria to join them on the farm if Clint would allow it. Yelena can’t help but squirm in place, remembering how he had yelled at her for leaving.
Fury finally lets out a sigh. “Have you asked her about it?”
Yelena shakes her head. “No… I don’t think she’d listen unless you order her to…” She admits quietly. “But I think she deserves a Christmas off. She said she hadn’t had one off since before the army.”
Fury frowns, staring at her intently before nodding his head. “If Barton approves, I will approve.” He tells her.
Yelena grins at him. “Thank you!” She tells him sincerely. She moves to leave but freezes when he tells her to wait. She spins to peer back at him, suddenly nervous.
“Come here,” Fury beckons her over and Yelena moves toward him. Fury slides open the drawer on his desk and Yelena can’t help but tense up, memories of when Dreykov would do the same flicker across her thoughts.
Instead, Fury pulls out what appears to be a black leather wallet, setting it onto the desk between them. He gives her a small nod at the item and Yelena slowly reaches out to take it.
When it flips open, there is a SHIELD logo pinned to the leather neatly and an empty laminate pocket.
“When you turn eighteen, we will take your photograph and place your credentials in the pocket,” Fury tells her. “This is a reminder about what you are working toward. You cannot have this if you cannot listen to orders.”
Yelena runs her thumb over the eagle etched into the metal badge pinned in place. She doesn’t know what to say. With Dreykov, she had always been a Widow. The only initiation she ever had was the day she lost her uterus.
This is different. This is a symbol of her future. Of what she can have.
“I don’t know what to say,” She finally confessed, tightening the grip on the badge.
“Say that you won’t go AWOL again,” Fury replies and Yelena obediently repeats it. “Good. You’re dismissed.”
Yelena leaves the office. She had planned to speak to Clint afterward but being given the badge made her stop. She stood in the hallway, staring down at the empty SHIELD badge in her hand.
Her hand slowly raises to rest on her lower stomach over the scars she had ‘earned’ years before she should have gotten it. She jumps when a hand lands on her shoulder, spinning around and ready to retaliate when she comes face to face with Bobbi.
“Hey kiddo. You okay? You’re staring into space,” Bobbi has a concerned frown on her face. “Are you in pain again?”
“I’m okay…” Yelena replies before holding up the empty badge. “Look at what I got.”
Bobbi’s face lights up when she sees it. “That’s brilliant, kiddo.” Bobbi throws an arm around Yelena’s shoulders. “I’m so proud of you!”
A warmth blossoms in Yelena’s chest as she smiles up at Bobbi. “When I’m eighteen, I’ll get an ID card for it.”
She had never been important enough for such a thing before. Widows were expendable and came and went quickly so ID cards were useless.
“Knock knock,” Bobbi gently raps her knuckles against Yelena’s temple. “Anybody home? You keep getting lost in your own head.”
“Sorry.” Yelena apologizes, peering up at her. “I’m just… thinking a lot.” She’s been doing that a lot lately.
“Do you wanna talk about it?” Bobbi’s tone softens, gently squeezing Yelena against her side in a gesture of support.
“No…” Yelena didn’t want to think about it. Her mind felt too full recently and she wished she could just empty it out to deal with later on. “What are you going to do for Christmas?” She changed the subject.
“Hunter and I are going to his mum’s place to celebrate. I think he wanted to see if he could dig out any more Game Boy games out of the attic for you,” Bobbi says, a small smile on her face. “What about you? Any plans?”
“Natasha and I are going with Clint to celebrate.” Yelena explained and Bobbi grins at her.
“I’m sure you’ll have a lot of fun. Clint is real big about Christmas so be prepared for ugly sweaters and white elephants.” Bobbi said and Yelena stares at her with a blank look on her face. The grin on Bobbi’s face dies a little. “When was the last time you celebrated?”
“When I was six.” Yelena can clearly remember it. She got a purple My Little Pony stuffed toy. It was her favorite thing and she took it with her everywhere. When it got a hole in it, Natasha lifted some thread and a needle from the first aid kit and stitched it up. There was a line of black thread on it’s back but Yelena just thought it made her pony look tough because Natasha had a few scars like that and Natasha was the toughest person she knew.
“What were your traditions?” Bobbi asked and Yelena frowns slightly because she doesn’t understand. “What did you do every Christmas? Like, Hunter’s mum takes us around to see the Christmas lights at night and we always watch the Nightmare Before Christmas movie.”
Yelena thinks really hard about when she was little but Christmas had been kinda like every other day. Her not-parents hadn’t let her help decorate because they were convinced she would break something. She wasn’t allowed to touch the tree or the tinsel. The boxes under the trees that the other kids insisted were filled with toys were just empty boxes. “I don’t know.” She finally said quietly.
“Nothing?” Bobbi questioned, her voice softening.
“Well… one time it snowed the night before and Natasha woke me up really early in the morning and she helped me get my coat and boots on…” Yelena smiles slightly at the memory. “And we went outside into the backyard that was filled with untouched snow… and neither of us had ever built a snowman but we tried really hard and it was fun.”
“Yeah?” Bobbi encouraged, her hand moving to run over Yelena’s head.
“Yeah. And when we got inside, mama was there waiting for us and she asked us if we had fun and helped us out of our winter stuff…” Yelena’s smile falls slightly. “When our daddy woke up, he had been very angry that we went out and tracked snow inside. He… he yelled and then he went out into the backyard and smashed the snowman we made.”
Yelena hadn’t really remembered that until now. “He took our boots and coats so we couldn’t go outside again… when it came time to go back to school, he wouldn’t give them back…” Yelena’s brow is knitted together in thought. “My hands got really cold. My teacher asked me where my coat was and I told her I lost it because I didn’t wanna get in trouble. My sneakers got all wet with snow and my feet were freezing.”
Bobbi’s gentle touch on the back of her neck has Yelena pausing in her rambling, bringing her out of the memory she was getting lost in. “How old were you?” Bobbi questioned gently.
Yelena frowns slightly. “Five. I… I think I was in kindergarten.”
“That shouldn’t have happened.” Bobbi’s voice was firm but still soft. “He shouldn’t have done that.”
Yelena doesn’t really want to think about it anymore. “So, I don’t have any Christmas traditions.” She tries to steer the conversation back on topic but Bobbi doesn’t let her.
“Hey,” Bobbi squeezed the back of her neck slightly. “Look at me.”
Yelena cranes her head up to peer at Bobbi.
“What he did was wrong and it shouldn’t have happened. Do you understand that?” Bobbi repeats and Yelena doesn’t understand why she was dwelling on the topic.
“They did the same thing in the Red Room except we never had coats in the first place,” Yelena tells Bobbi. “Unless it was for our cover to blend in. I learned how to deal with the cold.”
Bobbi twists to face Yelena, gripping both of her shoulders. “Look at me, kiddo. I don’t care what lesson he thought he was teaching you. Forcing you and your sister to go without boots or jackets in the middle of winter was wrong. I need you to understand that.”
Yelena can understand why Bobbi needs her to understand. But at the time, that kind of punishment was normal for Yelena. Her not-mom insisted on time-outs but her not-dad always got angry whenever she got in trouble. He’d yell and sometimes break things and Yelena had just thought that was how all dad’s acted. “Okay.”
“Say it.” Bobbi urges.
“He shouldn’t have done that. It was wrong.” Yelena obediently repeats.
“What shouldn’t he have done?” Bobbi coaxed and Yelena resists the urge to sigh.
“He shouldn’t have taken our coats and boots in winter. It was wrong,” Yelena says and Bobbi pulls her close into a tight hug. Bobbi’s hugs were always nice and never stifling like hugs from Hunter or Clint.
Bobbi’s appearance and talk had taken a lot of time and Yelena still didn’t really have answers about Christmas traditions. She worried about not being able to keep up with traditions at the farm.
Laura hadn’t gotten angry at her for not understanding things. Yelena had absolutely no idea how to bake a pie but Laura had patiently taught her, even when they needed a break to go dance in the barn.
Yelena heads off in search of Clint. She finds him at the range, shooting his bow at the targets. She takes a moment to watch him, observing his form and posture.
She thinks of when Natasha brought him back to the tiny apartment they were holed up in. Natasha said he had been brought to kill her and Yelena had attempted to kill him.
She thought about if Clint had taken the chance and killed Natasha. She wonders how long she would have waited before realizing something was wrong and if she would have ever even found her body.
Yelena wouldn’t be with SHIELD. She’d probably still be on the run, taking contracts and hits to make enough money to scrape by.
Yelena doesn’t want to think about it anymore. Her sister was alive and here with her. Clint offered his hand instead of an arrow to the head. There was no need to think about what-ifs.
She takes a deep breath, shaking herself out of her thoughts, and moves toward Clint to ask if Maria could stay at the farm for Christmas.