wonder
Yelena sits on the fallen tree, staring down at the jar of fireflies in her hands and watching the soft flickers of yellow-green light up the jar. Natalia was sitting next to her, staring down at the jar as well as they both caught their breaths.
The moon was high in the sky and there was the sound of something chirping nearby but Yelena felt at peace. There wasn’t a chance to do anything like this in Russia or on the helicarrier.
It’s just her and Natalia, something that Yelena likes a lot. Her sister’s undivided attention.
The pain from her scar tissue had nearly faded, leaving behind a dull throb that beats in time with her heart. Yelena rests her head onto Natalia’s shoulder, her fingers gently trailing over the fireflies in the jar.
“Hey, Yelena?” Natalia piped up, causing the girl to shift to peer up at her. “Do you ever want to change your name?”
It’s an odd question. Yelena’s changed names plenty of times but her name, the one her birth parents gave her, is the only thing that the Red Room couldn’t take from her. They could break her and lock up her memories and put her under their control but her name would still be Yelena Belova. “No.” She paused. “Do you?”
Natalia was quiet for a few moments before she nods. “I do.”
Yelena frowns slightly. “Why?” She questioned. Natalia Romanov was her big sister, why would she want to be anybody else?
“Because… because Natalia Romanov wasn’t a good person,” Natalia said quietly, her hand moving to play with Yelena’s hair. “I just… I want to distance myself from the person I was.”
“Natalia Romanov is my big sister,” Yelena said, a sudden stab of fear shooting through her. “Don’t leave me.”
“Never,” Natalia said fiercely, pulling Yelena against her side. “I’m never leaving you. Never again.”
Yelena buries her face into Natalia’s shoulder, inhaling the scent of her big sister. “If you don’t wanna be Natalia Romanov then who do you wanna be?”
Natalia thinks for a few moments, kissing the top of Yelena’s head before replying. “I like the sound of Natasha Romanoff.”
Yelena blinks a few times. “You want to Americanize your name?”
“Yeah…” Natalia said quietly. “I do. I’ll still be Nat. I’ll still be your big sister. I just… Natalia Romanov has so much blood on her hands and I don’t know how much longer I can keep being her.”
Yelena turns to throw her legs over Natalia’s lap, resting her head onto Natalia’s collar. “I… I don’t know if I understand. Your name is you, something that they can’t take away from you.” Yelena balances the jar of fireflies in her lap so she can wrap her arms around Natalia’s neck and kiss her cheek. “But if you want to do this, if you want to be her, I can try.”
“I think that I maybe want to try,” Natalia said, her arms wrapping around Yelena. “Just between you and me for now.”
“Okay, Natasha,” Yelena tests the name on her tongue. “My big sister, Natasha Romanoff.”
Yelena glances up at Natasha to see a small smile on her lips. Yelena smiles as well as Natasha slumps in relief.
“My little sister, Yelena Belova,” Natasha states, leaning down to press her forehead against Yelena’s, nuzzling their noses together. “You’re perfect.”
Yelena’s not but her heart still flutters at the statement. “I love you, Natasha.”
“I adore you, Yelena,” Natasha’s fingers still trace out ‘I LOVE YOU’ on Yelena’s back.
They sit outside on the fallen tree until Yelena gets tired.
Yelena dreams of their last day in Ohio that night. She dreams of herself screaming for her not-dad, the hot tarmac burning her bare feet as she drops her doll in favor of trying to yank herself from the soldier’s grip.
She dreams of Natasha clutching her so close that it hurts, the black handgun gripped tightly in her fingers as she waves it around, harsh Russian flying from her lips.
Yelena’s had this dream plenty of times before and it always ends the same.
Yelena awakes to hands gripping her wrists and she immediately tries to throw them off of her in fear, white noise in her ears as her heart thrums dangerously in her chest and salty tears roll down her cheeks.
“Get off me!” Yelena screams, bucking her hips as she tries to twist them off but their hold is steady and firm as they counter her every movement. “Let me go!”
The one thing that gives her pause is when she twists her head and her eyes land on the sight of a jar of fireflies flickering on the nightstand next to the handcuffs on the headboard.
The Red Room didn’t have fireflies.
The grip on her wrists slacken and Yelena snaps her head to peer up at the person.
It’s only Natasha.
Shame and embarrassment fill Yelena as she swallows down the bubble of nausea caught in her throat.
“Are you with me?” Natasha asked her and Yelena lets out a shaky nod. Natasha climbs off of her, letting her wrists go.
The door opens moments later and both heads snap to peer at the intruder.
It’s Clint still in his pajamas, a knife clutched in his hands. “Everything okay?” He scans the room for some sort of danger and Yelena drops her head into her hands as guilt and humiliation settles in her gut.
“We’re fine. There’s no danger,” Natasha tells him, pulling Yelena up into her arms. Yelena can see through the gaps in her fingers that Laura is behind him, whispering in his ear.
The door shuts and Yelena twists to push her face into the crook of Natasha’s neck. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean--”
“Shh,” Natasha kissed the top of her head. “It’s okay. I’ve got you.”
Yelena curls her fingers into Natasha’s pajama top, trying to worm her way closer. It’s like she can’t get close enough, even when their bodies are pressed together and Yelena has fistfuls of her sister’s pajama top. It’s not close enough, Yelena knows that they can still be ripped away from each other by people bigger and more powerful than them.
Yelena takes a good long while to inhale Natasha’s scent and try to shove away that feeling fear that they’d be separated.
Yelena finally peels away from Natasha. “I’m going to get some water.” She said, needing a moment after her display. “I’m sorry.”
Natasha lets her go. Yelena slips out the bedroom door and downstairs to the kitchen.
Yelena rubs her face, freezing at the sight of Laura sitting at the kitchen table with a mug of what she assumes is coffee. There’s a blanket draped over Laura’s shoulder and Yelena can see that her pajama top had been pulled up and there is the shape of a baby under the blanket.
Yelena realizes that she’s feeding Lila and glances away, ready to turn back and slip away.
“Yelena?” Laura’s voice stops Yelena in her tracks. “You can come in.”
Yelena turns back toward the kitchen having been caught. “I’m sorry.” Yelena shuffles into the doorway. “Did I wake you?”
“Oh no, honey,” Laura reassures her. “Lila did. She was getting hungry.”
Yelena swallows hard, averting her eyes. “I’m sorry.” She repeats.
“Did you come in here for something?” Laura questioned. “Help yourself, you’re welcome to anything.”
Yelena’s pretty sure she’s not welcome to the alcohol she saw in the cabinet the other day but keeps her mouth shut, shuffling toward the cabinet that held the cups. She pulls one out and fills it with tap water.
Yelena drains the cup with a few long swallows, refilling it once again.
“Dreams can be scary, can’t they?” Laura comments, freezing Yelena in her tracks with the glass halfway lifted to her lips. “It’s not real but they feel real. The fear is real.”
Yelena slowly lowers the glass, glancing at Laura. “Do you get them?” She asked quietly.
“Sometimes,” Laura inclines her head.
“About what?” Yelena blurts, immediately regretting it when the question leaves her lips. “Nevermind--”
“I was an agent like Clint,” Laura says and Yelena goes silent. “I retired three years ago when I got pregnant with Cooper.”
“You were an agent?” Yelena doesn’t think she’s met an agent as warm and soft as Laura before.
Laura lets out a soft chuckle. “I was. They called me Agent 19, also known as Mockingbird.”
Yelena perks up. “That’s Bobbi’s codename.” She said.
“Barbara Morse,” Laura mused. “She took up my mantle when I retired. Do you know her?”
“She’s my SO,” Yelena shuffles closer to Laura, cradling the glass of water in her hands. “What do you do? When you have bad nights…”
Laura nods at the chair next to her for Yelena to take a seat. Yelena pulls the chair out carefully, cautiously taking a seat. “I have a nightlight,” Laura admits. “Waking up and seeing stars on my ceiling reminds me that I’m not there.”
“A nightlight?” Yelena repeats. She had a nightlight back in Ohio shaped like a Chinese paper lantern. She draws her brow together in thought. “Nightlights put stars on the ceiling?”
“The one I have does. It projects constellations onto the ceiling. I have one in Cooper’s room too, it soothes him,” Laura shifts, pulling her shirt back down and pulling the blanket away from her shoulder to reveal Lila sleepily smacking her lips. Laura wipes away a dribble of milk from her cheek, pulling her up to pat her back. “One might help you.”
“I dunno…” Yelena doesn’t even know where she’d get a nightlight. Nightlights were for young children, something that Yelena was not. Yet, Laura just told her that she had one.
Lila lets out a tiny burp, drawing Yelena’s attention toward her. The infant lets out a tiny coo afterward.
“Do you want to hold her?” Laura offers and Yelena opens her mouth to reject the offer before pausing. Natasha had held Lila twice. What was it about holding Lila that she liked?
“I dunno how,” Yelena admits quietly. “I don’t wanna hurt her.”
“You won’t hurt her, honey. I’ll be right here,” Laura shifts Lila to one arm and reaches out to manipulate Yelena’s arms. Yelena lets her, anxiety thrumming in her veins when Laura slowly peels Lila off of her and then nestles her into Yelena’s arms.
Yelena’s breath catches in her throat as Lila’s sleepy gaze peers up at her. Lila is very small and very warm. Laura’s hands adjust Yelena’s arms once more before she pulls away.
“She’s really small,” Yelena breathes out in awe.
“I bet you were probably this small once too,” Laura comments. Yelena tries to think about herself being this small but she just can’t picture it. “In fact, you were probably even smaller. Lila’s three months old.”
“Do you love her?” Yelena questioned, staring down at the infant, mesmerized.
“I do. I love her very much.” Laura said softly.
“I wonder if my mom loved me when I was this small…” Yelena comments more to herself than Laura. She doesn’t know how she came to be in her not-mom’s custody when she was three. The Red Room burned her birth certificate so she doesn’t know if her parents are alive or dead or if they even wanted her.
Yelena jostles slightly when Laura’s hand touched her head. “Any woman would be lucky to be your mom, Yelena.” Laura’s tone suggests nothing but honesty.
“Maybe when I was little like this,” Yelena shakes her head. “Not anymore. Widows don’t get parents.”
Yelena watches Lila give a tiny yawn.
“What about being a Widow makes them undeserving?” Laura treads carefully, Yelena can hear the caution in her tone.
Yelena gives a one-shouldered shrug, not wanting to jostle the sleepy baby in her arms. “Widows are made of marble. Love is for children. Marble doesn’t feel things. Marble doesn’t break. Marble feels no pain. Marble feels no love.” Yelena recites quietly before shaking her head. “Don’t let your babies forget that you love them. You should tell them, even if they know.”
“Oh honey,” Laura said softly, tucking a strand of hair behind Yelena’s ear. “If they don’t know that then I wasn’t a very good mother.”
Yelena peers up at her. “You’re a really good mom. They’re really lucky to have you.”
Laura gives a watery chuckle and to Yelena’s horror, there are tears in her eyes.
“I didn’t mean to make you cry,” Yelena said hurriedly. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you upset.”
“I’m not upset. These are happy tears,” Laura says. Yelena’s never heard of ‘happy tears’ before but she trusts Laura’s words. “You’re a very sweet girl, Yelena. I hope that you’ll come back to see me again after you’re gone.”
“I’d like that, if you’d have me,” Yelena tells her earnestly. “I like it here.”
“You and your sister will always be welcome here,” Laura says before reaching out to take the now sleeping infant from Yelena’s arms. “I promise. Now, it’s getting late and I need to head back up.”
“Okay,” Yelena pulls her cup back toward her and down the rest of the contents. “Thank you for letting me hold Lila.”
“You’re welcome to hold her again,” Laura said with a smile. “Goodnight, Yelena.”
“Goodnight, Laura,” Yelena watches Laura shuffle out of the kitchen. She stands and puts her cup in the sink before heading upstairs herself and crawling back into bed with Natasha.
Natasha welcomes Yelena under the covers, pressing a kiss to the top of her head.
Yelena’s calm enough to go back to sleep.