grey shirt
Yelena’s never suffered through a full panic attack before. They usually used some trigger word implanted in her mind or sedated her before she reached the peak.
She can’t breathe. Bobbi drags her through the halls, murmuring to her quietly as she heads to her quarters.
Yelena reaches a hand up to scan her handprint to open the door to her quarters but her hand is shaking. Bobbi grips her wrist to press it against the scanner for her and then tugs her inside.
Yelena nearly falls to her knees, gasping for air now that it was just the two of them. “I can’t breathe--”
Bobbi approached her. “You’re having a panic attack. Have you ever had one before?”
“No!” Yelena said sharply. “Panic-- panic is a weakness!” She gasps out, grabbing at her chest. “I just-- what’s wrong with me?”
“Your body is telling you that there is danger when there isn’t,” Bobbi said, her voice low and soft. “I’m going to help you through it, okay?”
Yelena feels out of control and needs her sister at the moment. “Okay…” She manages to get out.
Bobbi picks up a pajama shirt from the ground. “Is this yours or your sisters?”
“Natalia’s,” Yelena chokes out.
“Here,” Bobbi holds it out. “Take it. Bring it up to your face and inhale as deeply as you can.”
Yelena reaches out and takes the shirt, unsure of the weird request but does as Bobbi said. She brought the shirt to her face and pressed her nose against the soft fabric, managing to inhale the scent that she associated with safety and comfort.
“Rub the fabric between your fingers. Focus on it. What color is it?” Bobbi coaxed, taking a seat a few feet away from Yelena.
“G-grey,” Yelena’s voice was muffled by the fabric pressed against her face.
“Good. Look around the room and name all the other grey colored things you see,” Bobbi coaxed and Yelena’s eyes flickered around the room.
“The-- the door--” She starts, twisting the fabric between her fingers. “The bedframe…”
Yelena squeezed her eyes shut as she got overwhelmed. She reaches up to grab the back of her neck to try and feel some sort of control but she can’t. “N-Natalia--”
“I know. I’m not your sister but I’m what you got at the moment,” Bobbi said. “And I’m not letting you run through this alone. What do you need from me?”
A traitorous whimper escapes her lips. “I need you to-- I need you--” Yelena can’t get out the words that she needs.
“I’m going to come closer,” Bobbi says, moving to her knees. “If you want me to stop then you let me know.”
Yelena doesn’t stop her. Bobbi shuffles forward on her knees until her knees are pressed against Yelena’s hip.
“What do you need?” Bobbi repeats and Yelena reaches out to grab Bobbi’s hand and guides it to the back of her neck. Bobbi’s hand hesitantly cups the nape of Yelena’s neck. “Are you sure? You won’t bite me again, will you?”
“Pressure--” Yelena manages to get out before burying her face back into Natalia’s shirt.
Bobbi gently squeezed the back of Yelena’s neck, letting out a surprised gasp when Yelena practically flops against her.
The pressure on her neck is comforting because Yelena knows that Bobbi is there and Bobbi won’t let anything happen to her. Bobbi won’t take advantage of her.
Yelena trusts Bobbi enough to do this.
Bobbi keeps a grip on Yelena’s neck, the other resting against Yelena’s knee. “How about I tell you some funny stories about Hunter, hmm? He’s quite the goofball.”
Yelena lets out a jerky nod and listens to Bobbi’s voice as she recalls the story of how she and Hunter met.
Yelena manages to get her breathing back under control and she’s left feeling exhausted, mortified, and ashamed.
Bobbi notices when Yelena stops freaking out and checks in when the story ends. “How are you feeling?”
Yelena jerks away from her, dropping the shirt and yanking the mask back over her face quickly. “I’m fine. I’m sorry for getting emotional.”
Bobbi blinks, feeling like she got whiplash with how fast Yelena changed emotions. “You just had a panic attack. That’s not something to be sorry about. Something triggered you.”
“I’m fine!” Yelena snaps at her but she’s exhausted. “I’m sorry that I was shameful. It won’t happen again.”
Bobbi squints at Yelena, like she couldn’t believe that she was apologizing. “Yelena, that wasn’t shameful.”
“Get out!” Yelena yells. She doesn’t really want to be alone but she’s used to dealing with these things by herself. “Out!”
“Okay, okay,” Bobbi stands and backs up. “Thank you for trusting me to help you.”
“Out!” Yelena hurls the nearest item at Bobbi. Bobbi ducks as shoe flies by her head.
“Okay, I hear you!” Bobbi opens the door and is gone.
Yelena collapses back onto the floor, pulling the shirt back up to her face to inhale again.
Natalia wasn’t supposed to be gone for this long. Yelena needed her.
Yelena didn’t want to be alone. She pulls on one of the SHIELD issued sweatshirts that smelled like Natalia and heads to the empty office in hopes of seeing Goose.
Goose was sitting on the desk, licking their paw and letting out a chirp when they see Yelena.
“Goose…” Yelena breathes out, closing the door behind her and approaching the cat. She reaches out and runs her fingers along the soft fur.
Goose purrs, rubbing their face against Yelena’s abdomen as she stands in front of the desk.
Yelena hesitantly picks up Goose, unsure if the cat would like it. Goose buts their face against Yelena’s jaw, purring loudly.
The purring eases some of the tension and relieves some of the panic Yelena felt in her chest. She buries her face into the orange fur and focuses on the sound of Goose purring.
She doesn’t know how long she stands there and holds the cat but by the time she notices the clock on the wall telling her that she was missing dinner, the panic had all but vanished and Yelena was feeling fine.
“Thank you, pretty kitty,” Yelena whispers, setting Goose back down on the desk. Goose meows in response and curls up on the desk to take a nap. Yelena brushes off orange fur that clung to the sweatshirt and leaves the room to head to the cafeteria.
Maria Hill finds her quickly and marches right up to her. “Wrist.” She demands and Yelena blinks in confusion before holding her wrist with the tracker out. “Where were you?”
Yelena tells Maria that she was in the office. She once again doesn’t mention the cat.
Maria sighs and looks down at her. “I’m sorry that you got overwhelmed with our talk earlier. Agent May will speak to you about it when she’s ready.”
Yelena nods her head. “Okay.” She doesn’t say anything else. It wasn’t her place.
“Your sister should be returning tonight,” Maria then adds, and hope swells up in Yelena’s chest. “I want to speak with you about returning to train with the other recruits during the weekends so that Agent Morse can do other work.”
Yelena suddenly feels like she’s burdening Bobbi down. “Yes ma’am.” Because although she doesn’t feel safe enough to join the other recruits, Bobbi had better things to do than train her.
Yelena ends up skipping dinner and goes directly back to her quarters. She falls asleep curled up on their bed and is woken up in the middle of the night to Natalia entering the room.
“Hi,” Natalia greets Yelena. She’s coated in blood and grime and looks tired and weary.
“Hi,” Yelena stands, gripping Natalia’s hand and pulling her to the showers. Yelena helps Natalia strip out of her suit and runs a warm shower. Yelena gathers up a clean change of clothes for her.
Yelena immediately searches for wounds that couldn’t wait to be dealt with. She runs her fingers along Natalia’s ribs when she finds bruising, instructing Natalia to inhale deeply to feel for broken ribs.
Satisfied that Natalia’s other wounds could wait, Yelena ushers her sister into the shower.
“Are you wearing my sweatshirt?” Natalia questions and Yelena rolls the sleeves of the sweatshirt up.
“Maybe…” Yelena murmurs and helps Natalia wash her hair when she can’t lift her arms with her bruised ribs.
“What happened?” Natalia asked and Yelena was quiet, washing dirt and blood from Natalia’s hair. Natalia’s eyes are closed but Yelena knew that if they were open then she’d be pinning her under her stare. “Yelena…”
“I had a panic attack…” Yelena murmurs and grabs Natalia’s jaw to stop her from moving. “Stay still or I’ll get soap in your eyes.”
“Explain.” Natalia demands with a single word.
“Agent May found out that I’m seventeen and refuses to train me anymore,” Yelena feels Natalia slowly relaxing as she massages the shampoo into her hair. “Agent Morse said that she’d train me instead but the commander said that I should go back with the other recruits on the weekend.”
Yelena rinses the suds from Natalia’s hair and steps back to let Natalia finish washing up.
“We can deal with that in the morning,” Natalia tells her.
“How was your mission?” Yelena asked, perching on the bathroom counter.
“Fine.” Natalia replies a little too quickly and Yelena frowns.
“Bobbi helped me through my panic attack,” Yelena tilts her head back to look up at the ceiling. “And then I got mad at her and I threw a shoe at her head.”
“Bobbi’s the one that you bit, right?” Natalia asked and Yelena let out a little groan.
“Why is that all anyone remembers me by. It was an accident!” Yelena moans out and Natalia lets out a soft chuckle.
“I’m only teasing, little sister,” Natalia said when she realized she poked a sore spot. She turns off the shower and steps out, wrapping a towel around herself.
Yelena combs and braids Natalia’s hair as they sit on the bed. She leaned forward and pressed her nose against Natalia’s neck. “I missed you.”
Natalia paused before reaching up to run her fingers over Yelena’s hair. “Me too.” She said softly. “I’m here now.”
Natalia’s hand brushes over the back of Yelena’s neck and she gives it a loving squeeze and Yelena lets out a small sigh of content as she lets herself be surrounded by the safety and comfort that was her big sister.