What Needs to Change
Natasha thought that she had gotten lucky on the whole gender dysphoria aspect of being agender. Dysphoria was a rare phenomenon with her, something that she barely ever had to deal with. It came and went in mostly calm waves and she rode them out as best she was able, with slightly larger-than-usual sweaters and hot chocolate with Clint. She was very aware and thankful for the fact that it wasn’t nearly as unpleasant as it had the potential to be.
That didn’t mean it was never bad.
One morning, when Natasha turned to the mirror to see if she looked alright before she went out, she was hit with a horrible sense of wrong. She saw every curve on her body, and it wasn’t right. Natasha felt sick to her stomach because that shouldn’t be there. She wasn’t a girl and she shouldn’t look like this, because this was what girls looked like, not her. Natasha felt sick to her stomach, what was this feeling? It was so much worse than all her past experiences with dysphoria. She moved closer to the mirror, inspecting herself, and was dismayed to find out that she had similar feelings about her face. It was far too feminine, her jawline and eyes and cheekbones appeared wrong in her reflection and not how she felt they should be. She found herself tearing up because this wasn’t right, this wasn’t the way she was supposed to look or feel. She wanted this horrible feeling of not being who she was supposed to be gone.
Natasha didn’t go out that day. She elected instead to change into a baggy sweater and shorts, and to sit with Clint, halfheartedly making fun of TV shows and napping.
Natasha knew that she could medically transition if she tried hard enough, but she did some research on the way the process of medically transitioning worked and how it would change her body. After the research, she decided that it wasn't for her. Most days she really appreciated her body the way it was, and with her history with bodily modifications, she wasn’t comfortable with anything of that nature.
She also knew that there were other ways she could combat gender dysphoria. She decided that it was high time she started trying out some ways to deal with it. She was tired of not doing anything to fix it when she had a bad dysphoria day. It wasn’t good for her mental health, and it got in the way of the work that she needed to do. She was going to start really trying to cope with it.