It's always been you.
I think about it a lot, actually. I don’t think you know
that. I don’t think you know the way I love
you as if you were the only thing left and life without you it could never be enough.
I stare at the kitchen knife
and wish that the cobwebs wouldn’t last forever.
I know you see my eyes as I do. I am not enough--
not for you.
The way that I feel is so much. So heavy, so real. Other people don’t know true love,
other people don’t know what this feels like. The love is so intense and baby I know, I know.
Please don’t make me cry. Please don’t tell me that you can’t love me forever
or that you don’t feel the same because you do, I know that you do. I reach for the knife.
Why does the knife
feel so sharp in my hands? It’s not sharp enough.
I look at my wrists, at yours. I feel the weight of a life you never lived--the weight of forever
--between us. What did you do? What did you
do to make me feel this way? You know you did it. You know
you’re to blame. You know that it’s your fault I’m feeling this thing called love.
I’m sorry. I’m being too much. I love
you. Is that too intense? Am I “so intense that you can’t live”? Is it the knife
in my hand? I know
that might be a lot. I can’t say sorry enough,
please don’t leave me. I don’t know how I could live without your face, your touch, you.
Don’t say that you don’t want to belong to me. No, let me make you mine. Let it be forever.
Let me grab you by the hands, let me pull you into my chest and hold you forever.
It’s love that’s between us, I know it’s love.
It’s not up to you.
If you pull away I’ll bring you closer and press the knife
to your throat. Is this enough?
Tell me you want to stay with me now. Tell me you were lying, I know.
Tell me you love me. Tell me you’ll do anything for me and say it again so I know.
I feel the blood trickle down your neck but it feels so good to hear that you’ll be mine forever.
Your tears taste sweet as I lick them off your face. Yes, you’re all mine, I promise you’re enough.
Your blood is so beautiful. Maybe you can only tell the truth when you’re bleeding, love.
I could handle that, we all have our quarks. I could drag this knife
down your skin every day and you would beg me to. But only if I was doing it for you.
Does it hurt when I cut you and make you tell me I’m enough, that you’ll always love
me, you’ll never run away. That we’ll be forever. God, this knife
on you is so pretty I can barely breathe. Am I pushing too hard? Answer me. Answer me.
Answer me. I know that you can answer me… did I make a mistake?
Why does your blood coat the floor?
It's always been you.
Maybe now that I’m without you,
I can open up my wrists like your neck. Then you
and I, we can truly be together forever.