Sam knows something is up the minute he walks into your apartment.
You’re laying on the couch, blanket wrapped around you, eating a pint of your favorite ice cream while a rom-com plays on the T.V. He’s seen you like this before, specifically anytime you feel lonely, like on Valentine’s Day or when you see cute couples on Instagram.
“Hey,” he greets softly. “Got any room for me?”
He nudges your feet and you move them without saying anything. “I’m hurt you didn’t get any ice cream for me.” Usually, you’d laugh or make a sarcastic comment back, but again he’s met with silence. It must be worse than he thought.
“Come here sweets.” Sam pats his lap and you move to rest your head there. While he plays with your hair during the big love confession scene, you think about how you’ve never experienced that before. You don’t have physical intimacy besides the occasional cuddle session with Sam which is only platonic. You’ve never been loved before; sure, your friends and family love you, but no one has ever been in love with you.
The older you get, the more embarrassing your lack of experience becomes. No relationships, only having kissed one person and being able to count the number of dates you’ve been on with one hand. You feel like you’re missing out on important life experiences and memories; it leaves you with a puzzle-piece-shaped hole in your heart that can only be fixed with the matching piece.
Hearing people say, “it takes time”, “you’ll find someone when you’re least expecting it”, “when you stop looking, love will come”, “romantic love isn’t everything” has grown tiring. It’s always the people who have dated before that say it so the words feel meaningless, but you know they mean well.
What if you never find that special someone? What if you’re destined to spend the rest of your life alone, always searching for love but coming up empty?
Tears begin falling before you can stop them, and Sam notices your shaking body while you quietly sob into his lap. “Hey, hey,” his voice is full of concern, “what’s wrong? Here, sit up.” His hands grip your arms to help you up before he’s pulling you into his chest. “Talk to me.”
“It’s stupid,” you sniffle. “I’m getting your shirt all wet.”
He laughs. “I don’t care about my shirt, I care about you. Whatever you’re feeling isn’t stupid.”
You sigh and pull away, your gaze falling to your lap. It’s too embarrassing to say what you’re about to while making eye contact. “I’m scared that I’m never going to experience love. I haven’t yet, not reciprocated at least, and it worries me. Everyone around me is in a relationship, or going on dates, and I’m alone. Every single Valentine’s Day I’ve spent eating chocolate alone and every New Year’s I sit there while everyone has someone to kiss. Why? Am I really that unlovable? I’ve convinced myself that I am, because who would want someone like me?”
Sam tilts your head up so you’re looking into each other’s eyes. “Don’t talk about yourself like that. You’re one of the funniest, kindest, and most loving people I’ve ever met. I don’t think anyone else would drive an hour in the middle of the night to pick me up when my truck broke down, surprise me with plane tickets home when it’s not even Christmas or my birthday because I’m homesick, or watch football with me almost every Sunday when you hate the sport.” He smiles at the memories you’ve made over the years. “What you feel is valid, and I’m not going to tell you something cliche about how love comes when you least expect it. What I am going to tell you is that you aren’t unlovable, and anyone would be lucky to be with you. I’ll tell you that until you believe me, or until you get tired of it, whichever comes first.”
That makes you laugh, and Sam says, “there’s that laugh I love so much.”
“Thank you, Sam. I know I’m being dramatic, it’s just...how do you know I’m not unlovable? After years of being single, it’s getting harder and harder to believe I’m not.”
“Because I love you.”
You roll your eyes, “I know that, but I meant -”
“No,” he interrupts, “I mean I’m in love with you.”
Oh. Oh.
“You’re kidding, right? Because it’s not funny.”
Sam leans closer and your breath hitches in your throat. Without him saying anything, you know what he’s asking and you nod permission. “I uh, I’m not very experienced though. I’m not going to be very good at this,” you warn.
“I don’t care about that.”
There isn’t time to say anything else before his lips are on yours. You freeze up; it’s been years since you’ve done this. Where do you put your hands? Tongue or no tongue? Oh god, he’s going to think you’re the worst kisser in the world.
“Relax sweets,” he whispers against your mouth.
So you do; the tension releases from your body and you focus on following Sam’s movements. Even though you don’t have much to compare it to, it’s the greatest kiss of your life. You’re not sure it could get any better.
When you pull away, Sam smiles. “Does it seem like I’m kidding?”
“No,” you smile back. “In case it wasn’t clear just now, I’m in love with you too.”
You lean on his shoulder and his arm snakes around your waist. As you finish the movie together, it hits you - Sam Wilson is going to be your first boyfriend. Anxious thoughts of not being experienced enough, or being worse than his past relationships flood your mind. But when Sam kisses the top of your head and mumbles, “I love you” into your ear, you know there’s nothing to worry about.