He left everyone, and everyone left him.
Druig wished he'd had some other choice.
He loved the others, deeply, they were his family and his friends, his companions in all that he could remember of his life. They were the only people in the planet that knew him, understood him, and he'd thought some time ago, cared about him. He still cared about them, he did.
But he hadn't been able to go on. The weight was just unbearable.
There was something wrong with their mission, with what they were and weren't doing, and there was something wrong with Arishem and the system in which they communicated. Druig was... well, he certainly was better with emotions and feelings than anyone else there (he knew them deeply, he felt them deeply, he made them and spread them, they were his field of expertise) and knew that Ajak knew that there was something else besides "making a better world for the humans".
And he was so fucking tired. These were their orders, and he wanted t think that they meant something, that there was something good coming out of it... But the more time passed, the more it felt like the were paving the way for horror, war and bloodshed - they were just letting the humans die more. In front of them. He was tired of seeing it, and he was tired of not being able to do absolutely anything. Tired of orders that hurt his heart and his mind, tired of following everyone and trying to keep quiet.
He knew that if he said something, he would be left utterly alone. That no one was going to back him up, no one was going to follow him. Who would want to become a pariah amongst his own people? Who would want to risk the wrath of a celestial? Who would want to be manhandled by someone they respected and then forgotten? He was dooming himself to death or oblivion, or maybe even being reset, like they threatened to do with Thena. There were no upsides to going against Arishem's wishes, but it had been too much.
Druig wished he didn't care about human suffering, wished he could go on with his life and just wait for more orders. Wished he was good little soldier like Ikaris, wished for more faith. Wished he didn't feel it on his bones when a mother cried after losing her child, wished it didn't break his heart watching the bloodshed of war after war after war.
But it did. It hurt him so very badly, and the knowledge that he could have stopped all of it was like daggers through his heart. He had to watch these people cry and suffer and agonize, and just do nothing. It weighed on him, and it hurt. He often felt like an afterthought in many of their plans this far, and the one thing he could do, the one benefit to his ability, to him... Seeing all that horror happening, feeling it, it have become too much.
He was... broken and damaged by all he'd felt and all he hadn't been allowed to do, but he wouldn't be shattered. Yes, disappointing and leaving everyone he knew was a bitter taste, but at least he wouldn't living as he thought, at least he wouldn't have to keep following these orders. He saw the genocide and the men behind them and had often felt no better than those people. Well, not anymore.
If he had to die by the hand of those he cared about, then at least the agony would end. Better than this limbo.
Obviously, just leaving didn't magically solve all his problems. Protecting and helping his handful of humans did give him some peace of mind, as if by helping these people he could try and make up for all those people he hadn't helped in the past. Yeah, it was like a band-aid on a stab wound, not enough, but... these few families were happy, grew up and lived happy lives, wrote songs, knitted blankets, fell in love. It was a little something - and he'd like to think that he'd helped in that happiness, in those peaceful, joyous lives.
He knew that it was wrong, of course, knew that he should probably leave this people alone. That getting in these people's heads, taking away their free will, as much as he felt it was for their own good, was as much a mistake as their mission had been. He often dreamed about all the people ganging up on him, killing him brutally so that he would stay out of their minds. Sometimes it was he who became a drone of some other power, unable to choose, unable to decide. Sometimes he woke up from one of those nightmares and threw up, while sobbing. The pain ate him.
Sometimes he hated himself and all that choices he'd made, and all the choices he hadn't made.
Being too late but also too early. Never the right time, not for him.
The dreams about the people in the community weren't the only ones, though. There were many more, and they were rarely pleasant.
Druig also had nightmares about the others coming to finish him off, or about Arishem deciding that he'd had enough. But mostly the first kind. If nothing else, Druig knew emotions, and he'd seen murderous intent in Ikaris' eyes when they split up. He had wanted to kill him, maybe the others had thought about it, too. He wasn't the easiest guy to get along with.
Sometimes, in his dreams, the others just left. The deviants were gone, so they found their way to Olympia, until they were called for their next mission. Leaving him here, stranded and alone for eternity, with no way home. In some ways, staying like this forever was worse than death. So unspeakably alone.
When he tried to talk with the humans... if they were sad or unhappy he always tried to change, felt it was his responsibility to make it not happen again. If they were happy then he made notes to see how he could keep that mood like that, how he could maintain the peace. It was a job, and he was good at it.
But there was no real connection, no real understanding.
Some of the people feared him. Others worshipped him like a god. He couldn't, and never would be, one of them.
The only people that understood his life-span, his abilities, his complicated history... Well, they have left him, and had never sought him out again. Maybe they were glad to be rid of him, maybe no one had thought of him kindly in centuries. He thought... he thought maybe her...
Makkari had always been more on his side than anyone else on the team. Didn't care about breaking a rule or two - was not another one of Arishem's perfect little soldiers. She had a personality of her own, and that was one of the reasons why they often sought out each other's company. Why they
looked at each other for support when things were going crazy, why they understood each other.
Some part of Druig wanted to think that Makkari wouldn't abandon him in this planet, alone, forever. Wanted to think that she would look him up, that she wouldn't.... He'd hoped she'd stop by, some time. She could cross the whole planet in minutes, she had it the easiest to find him. Maybe if she missed him as much as he had her... But she never did. Never came. Maybe it was better for her.
When the others finally came, they made it clear that it was because they needed him, not because they wanted him (Druig sucks, Kingo said) (he really does, his friend replied)(Druig heard it all). Somehow, even surrounded by his peers, Druig felt even more alone. Maybe he'd never actually had a family, maybe he'd always been an unwanted presence.
The truth was... he hadn't been alone, he'd been lonely.
And he didn't feel connected again, that he mattered to someone, until that moment in the beach, when he reappeared after almost dying.
If nothing else, Druig understood emotions, and the relief and the love in Makkari's face, the singular amount of joy at having him back... She did love him, despite everything and he loved her too, even it they hadn't seen each other in so long. She wouldn't have left him alone in the planet, not her.
And now.... They were still there, the world hadn't ended and now that he knew she felt that way about him, maybe, just maybe, he would be able to stop being alone for a bit.
And maybe this time, with her, his dreams wouldn't be so bad.
And maybe this time, he wouldn't have to leave, and she wouldn't leave him.
Wasn't that the real dream?