Loki strained as he stretched, his muscles contracting stiffly. His eyes burned from restless sleep, and there was a very sharp pain in his back. It felt as though he had fallen asleep on a pile of rocks, he might as well have, he sighed.
“Shit,” He cursed under his breath.
“Dad!” Loki’s eyes opened wide, “That’s a bad word.”
Loki looked around, his vision still burning and blurry. He rubbed at his sore eyes, shifting up to his elbows in order to take in his surroundings. His shoulders tensed, partly from the muscle ache, and the other half from the sudden remembrance.
He was laying in his second youngest sons’ bed, and definitely not his own. It was all coming back to him now. It was late last night, Loki hadn’t closed his eyes for more than five minutes before his bedroom door crept open, he stiffened at the soft sound of sniffles. Váli had suffered from yet another nightmare. It was becoming a regular thing that Loki was starting to despise. It wasn’t that he minded rocking him to sleep, it was his son, he was a father; it’s kind of in the job description.
He hated it for multiple reasons. His son was hurting, and there wasn’t much Loki could do about it. Sure, Loki could slither his way into his little boys’ head, clear away all of the bad thoughts. But that is a very challenging spell, a dangerous one in fact. Especially on someone so young. So, Loki opted out due to fear. He was afraid for his sons’ well-being. But if he has the power to rid his child of these night terrors, shouldn’t he be using them?
He’d been called a coward before, it used to bother him, but came to find out being a bad father bugged him far worse.
Loki dragged a hand down his face as he attempted to sit up.
“Sorry, it slipped.” He groaned painfully, a hand resting on his lower back.
“It’s otay.” Loki pinched his nose, trying his best to deal with his now growing migraine. “Dad- I’m hungry.”
Loki glanced up at the little being, his stubby hands clamming to Loki’s pajama pants around his knees.
“Alright,” Loki said tiredly, “Let’s try to find you something.”
Loki got to his feet, but not without making an embarrassing exasperated sound. One that he was so sure he would get hammered by Thor for, if he were here. Loki followed Váli down the hall. The toddler shuffled some, his stuffed bear still clenched to his chest as he made his way through the small home. Loki tried endlessly to get the sleep out of his eyes, but he was so exhausted. His body was filled to the brim of aches and pains. His knees wobbled, his bones creaked, he was terrified to look in the mirror, he was confident he would find a grey hair or two.
He really wasn’t that surprised to be falling apart at such a young age. He was the father of three boys, a single…
He shook his head, arching his back in a failed attempt to relieve some pressure. He rounded the corner, seeing his oldest son, Narfi, already sitting at the table.
“Good morning,” He said, a little unsure. Loki mumbled a response causing Narfi to focus back on his half eaten cereal with a certain look of discouragement.
“Why didn’t you get your brother something to eat?” Narfi’s shoulders tensed, he swallowed hard, thankful for a moment that his father was standing behind him so he couldn’t read the anxiety written across his face.
“He didn’t say he was hungry.” Narfi gripped his spoon a little tighter.
“Yes I did!” Váli chipped in. Narfi swung to face his direction.
“No, you didn’t, you liar!”
“Hey!”
Narfi bit his tongue, silencing himself. Váli, though a small child, looked nervously between the two; his brother, and his father.
“He’s three, calm down.” Narfi felt his chest cave in, and he couldn’t fight the heat rising in his cheeks.
“Sorry,” He mumbled, his head down. He heard his dad sigh as he opened the fridge. Narfi turned back to the table, his movements slow. His hand shook as he tried to bring a spoonful to his mouth. He rose from his seat hurriedly, ignoring his father’s question as he rushed to his room down the hall.
Loki huffed as he heard the distant sound of a door. He picked Váli up, placing him in his seat, setting a small bowl of cereal in front of him. Loki stood there a minute, his knuckles turning white as they gripped the back of the chair.
Maybe he was too harsh…
Loki wanted to kick himself, of course he was too harsh! Narfi was a sensitive kid, and Loki couldn’t blame him for being so, because he was once the exact same way, (if not much worse). Loki dragged a sluggish hand down his face as he released a regretful sigh. He hadn’t sat down and talked to Narfi in...well awhile. Not since- Loki shook his head, taking a deep breath.
He needs to talk to his son.
Loki refused to be a shitty father- He couldn’t be. His sons deserved better, Loki had to become that better even if it took everything inside him.
Loki ruffled Váli’s hair as he passed, his dark curls identical to his father’s.
Loki’s migraine hadn’t ceased, in fact, it had grown more irritable. His brain felt as though it was being compacted against the walls of his skull. Loki tried to shake it off, he just had to get through it for a little while longer then he could go lay down, or at least get off of his feet. He just needed to talk to his-
“Fucking-” Loki bit his tounge, hopping on one foot as the pain shot up his leg. He looked down at the children’s toy lying broken on the floor. The speckle of blood escaping from his heel.
“Dad that was a bad word-” He heard from the kitchen.
“Narfi!” Loki yelled through gritted teeth. The door at the end of the hall slowly opened, a head of red hair peeking out. “Get out here.” Loki hated the venom in his voice but he couldn’t help it. His entire body was in agony at this point, the tension continuing to build up inside his mind.
“What?” Narfi’s voice was soft, his hands were in front of him, fidgeting with the other.
“I told you to pick up your mess.” Loki growled through the discomfort.
“I did-”
“Then what the hell is this!”
“That’s not mine!” Narfi closed his eyes as he shouted, (he always did that). “It’s Váli’s.”
Loki shook his head, his tongue trailing the front of his teeth for a second as he tried to pull his anger in. “How many times do I have to tell you?” Narfi trembled at the eerie calmness in his father’s raspy voice. “You are the oldest, when I tell you to do something, you do it. It’s that fucking simply- You’re old and smart enough to understand that!” Loki froze for a minute.
He studied his son, Narfi’s cheeks red, his hands clenched to his sides. His curls in front of his eyes, but Loki recognized the slight quiver in Narfi’s nose. He was crying, (or getting ready to, at least).
Loki doubled forward just an inch. Knocked by the sudden pang of guilt in his chest. Now he really didn’t know what to say...He really couldn’t do this- Not on his own.
He opened his mouth to speak, not really knowing what he was going to say. But the cries of a baby caught his attention instead. He looked up over Narfi’s head towards the end of the hall. Then back to his oldest son.
“I- I’ll be right back.” Loki chewed his lip as he walked away, he knew it was awful, but he was semi thankful when he heard the door slam. At least he had a little while longer to figure out something to say.
He opened the door to the nursery, the cries becoming more clear.
“Alright, alright, I hear you.” He whispered to himself. He leaned over the crib, taking the small boy in his hand gently. The cries didn’t take but a few seconds to drown out. They turned more into pathetic whines. “Well, that was easy.” Loki rocked him smoothly, the baby’s hand tangling their way into Loki’s hair.
Loki walked back down the hall, baby still in arms. He hesitated a moment, stopping completely when he came to Narfi’s door. He knew he should knock, but maybe the kid needed some space. If he’s anything like his dad, (and Loki knew he very much was), space was good. He needed time to clear his head, then Loki would swoop in and apologize. That’s what he told himself anyway.
Loki made it a foot away from the kitchen before there was an abrupt knock on the door. Loki halted, Váli even peered over his seat to see the commotion. Loki thought it was odd, a thought of trouble even flashed across his mind. His muscles tensed a little tighter, and the hair on his arms stood straight up. He sat his youngest in his little pin, surrounded by toys and blankets as he went to fetch the door. He peeked through the hole at first, then an aggravated huff made its way out.
He tugged the door open roughly. “What do you want?”
“Well, that was rude. You could be at least a little happy to see me.” Thor stepped inside, nudging Loki to the side as he did. Inflecting Loki to roll his eyes. He pushed the door shut as Thor made his way indoors.
“Are you going to answer my question?”
“Loki, I sent you a letter weeks ago, don’t you remember?” Thor’s expression changed once he saw that obviously Loki did not recall.
“No, you...But you said the twentieth-”
“It is the twentieth.” Thor watched the way Loki’s face fell, his eyebrows no longer knitted together. His mouth gaping open just an inch.
“No, I could have...Is it really?”
“Yes, Loki...Are you okay?” Thor asked carefully, particularly afraid of his brother’s reaction to the question.
“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine.” Loki waved him off as usual. That didn’t necessarily come as a shock for Thor. It was, however, the look of doubt that stayed planted on Loki’s face even after he started to walk away. His fingers pinched his forehead, his eyes raced back and forth. Thor followed distantly behind him.
“Dad- All done!” Loki picked the bowls up from the table, taking them to the sink. Váli turned around in his seat peering up to Thor with big eyes. “Who you?”
Thor scoffed, feeling a short ping of guilt. “I’m your Uncle, Váli . Don’t say you don’t remember me, it’ll hurt my feelings.” Thor kneels down to his level.
“Mmmm.” Váli hummed, “Don’t know.” He shrugged, hopping off his chair and running into the living room.
Thor stood back up slowly, Loki’s back was turned to him as he stood at the sink. Thor took a moment to look around. The counters to the kitchen were starting to pile up with mail, papers, dishes. The house wasn’t a mess, per say, but it was untidy, which was very out of character for Loki. Thor knew his brother. Loki hated messes, he needed organization, and cleanliness. It just wasn’t like him to let mail sit for weeks on the counter, or let every dish in the house be dirty.
“So…” Thor started, not entirely sure where he was going. He slid his hand on the back of the chair as he went to take a seat. He studied his brother's appearance next, he wasn’t wearing a shirt at the moment so the weight he had lost showed drastically. That put a little fear in Thor, Loki couldn’t afford to lose a few pounds like most people. He had been skinny his whole life, gaining weight was always an issue for him. Thor shifted nervously in his chair. His eyes glued on the mass of white hair sprinkled throughout Loki’s dark curls. Loki was his little brother by almost 500 years, but it really wasn’t looking like it.
“So, what have you been up to?” Thor asked after he cleared his throat.
“Nothing.” Loki answered with a sigh.
“Oh come on, you have to have been doing something.” Thor tried his hardest to keep this lighthearted.
“I’ve just been...I don’t know- Doing everything, but nothing in particular at the same time.” Thor rolled his eyes. He probably should have known this was going to be much harder than it really had to be, everything with Loki usually was.
“Okay fine, I’ll just get to the point.” He saw Loki’s shoulders stiffen. “How are you actually doing, Loki?”
“I told you, I’m fine-” Loki turned around, but Thor was already out of his seat.
“And you're lying!” Loki blinked at him, “Look at yourself brother, look around.” Thor pleaded with him, his voice holding an extreme amount of desperation.
“I told you, Thor I am-”
“When was the last time you ate?” Loki stared blankly at him, stuck on an answer that wasn’t coming.
“It was um...Just…”
“Or what about a shower? A good night's rest? Loki, I told you that if you needed help that I would be more than willingly to do so-”
“I don’t need help!”
Thor bit his lip, he recognized that crazed look in his younger brother’s eyes. It wasn’t very comforting to say the least. Following Loki’s outburst, he snapped his jaw shut, his eyes falling to the floor. Thor could see the burning in his cheeks from where he stood a few feet away.
“Loki…” He started calmly, his eyes wandering to something in particular. He swiped an envelope off the counter, “What the hell is this?”
Loki glanced up, his eyes flickered with alarm. “That’s-” He lunged towards Thor, his hand outreached. Thor quickly stepped back holding it out of reach.
“Thor, it’s nothing! Just give it back-”
Thor didn’t mean to, but he pushed Loki’s chest. Seeming to forget how frail his brother had become. Loki fell with a heavy thud, the room became silent as Thor stared down at him. He was frozen for a minute, before he remembered what he was doing. He opened the letter, his eyes skimming it with intensity. Loki sunk further into the floor.
“Loki…” His voice was so low, Loki couldn’t fight the overwhelming surge of dread that came through him.
“It’s not- It’s not that big of a deal-”
“Not a-” Thor had to stop himself before he started shouting, “Did you even read this?”
“Yes-”
“Then you know what it says?” Loki didn’t answer, “They’re threatening to take your sons away, Loki-”
“I know-”
“A-and you don’t care? Or-”
“Of course I care!”
“Then why haven’t you fucking done anything about it?”
Loki fell quiet, and there was a growing of cries that emerged from the other room. Their eyes both darted in that direction, first laying on Váli whose little worried eyes were creeping around the corner. Loki struggled to get to his feet, Thor was forced to take a step forward, stretching a hand out. He couldn’t bear the sight of his little brother clawing for the counter for support.
Loki mumbled a thanks, walking past Thor and into the living room. Váli followed a little ways behind him. Loki reached into the pin, picking up the young child. Thor took cautious steps into the room.
“You never did tell me his name…” Thor mentioned quietly.
“Kari.” Loki replied in a soft tone. “She picked it out.”
It wasn’t a moment later that Thor saw Loki’s shoulders start to shake, soft whimpers escaping his strangled cries. Thor stepped forward, only for his attention to fall on Váli who looked absolutely terrified. “Váli ,” Thor knelt down, “Would you mind going into Narfi’s room for a little bit.”
Narfi didn’t respond, or add anything else. He simply walked with his head hung towards the hall.
Thor stood, his hand cupping his brother’s shoulder. “Loki, come on, let’s sit down.” Thor gently tugged for Loki to turn. Thor hated the red and puffiness of his face and eyes. Loki held Kari close to his chest, still trying to stifle his own cries. Thor reached for him, “May I?”
Loki complied, handing the child to Thor. Immediately collapsing onto the couch. His elbows digging into his knees, his hands on his face smothering his sobs. Thor sat down slowly beside Loki, Kari cradled in his arms.
“Do you want to talk about it?” He said after several minutes of painfully tears being shed.
Loki sucked in a breath as he tried to sit up, his cheeks stained with the hot trails of tears. He sat there for a moment. “I knew I should have told you- Told someone. But I...She thought I could do this- On my own...And I- I can’t. I can’t do it, Thor. I’m letting her down-” He choked on another sob, Thor wrapped a free hand around his brother’s back, pulling him in a little bit.
“You’re not doing as bad as you think-”
“You read that letter, Thor. Don’t try to lie to me-”
“Okay, yeah, that’s not good. But it’s only because they haven’t been going to school. Why...Why aren’t they?” Thor asked.
Loki pinched his nose, trying to rid himself of his migraine. “I just...I meant to send them back, but Narfi kept having panic attacks. I don’t see the point of having to send Váli to daycare or whatever, I can take care of him here. Things just kept piling up...and eventually I just forgot about it.” Thor hated the nonchalant shrug Loki offered at the end. He hated the complete lack of care in his voice.
“Loki, maybe you should move to New Asgard-”
“No.”
“Loki-”
“I can’t. No, we’re not- We can’t do that-”
“Loki, why? There’s nothing here for you. You don’t know anyone here, your family- friends- They’re all in New Asgard. Please it will be easier to help you there-”
“I said I can’t, Thor!” Loki stilled as he glanced down at Kari who was beginning to squirm in Thor’s arms. Loki took him back delicately.
“Can you at least tell me why?” Thor asked in a whisper.
“Because she’s here.”
“Loki-”
“She is. She was born here, Thor- She was raised here. We got married here- Narfi was born here- And she….She died here. I can’t leave- If I leave- I’m leaving her.”
“Loki, you know for a fact that she would not want you hurting like this. You need to be around your family, around me. Being stuck up in these mountains all alone- It’s killing you, Loki. Can’t you see that?”
Loki didn’t respond. He just stared down at Kari in his arms. “I haven’t talked to the boys about any of it...They haven’t brought it up, either. I’m just...She was so much better with them then I’ll ever be...I always told her I wasn’t meant to be a father-”
“Loki, don’t say that. They adore you, you are their hero.”
“I shouldn’t be-”
“But you are.” Thor took a deep breath. Resting his heavy hand on his brother’s shoulder. “I know it’s hard, I know you didn’t allow yourself time to mourn. But you need to do what is right for them. No matter how hard that may be.”
Loki swallowed hard, staring down at the floor.
***
Loki stood in the middle of the hallway. Thor was currently giving Kari a bath, which left Loki to do something that he had very well been avoiding.
He took a deep breath, raising his knuckles to the wood of the door. He cleared his throat, “May I come in?”
The door was pulled open, Narfi stared up at him for a moment, before quickly turning away. Loki looked to Váli who was sitting on the bed, a couple toys in hand.
“Can I talk to you for a second?” Loki wished Narfi would look up, instead of staring at the floor. But he really couldn’t blame him. The boys nodded, and Loki walked further into the room, he took a seat on the edge of the bed. Váli seemed to forget all about the game he had been playing. He sat his toys aside and scooted closer to the edge by his dad.
Loki looked at Narfi, he held out his hand, praying to the Gods that he would take it.
“Narfi, please come here.” He said gently. Narfi kept his head down, but took Loki’s hand. Walking close enough to stand in front of Loki’s knees. Loki stared down at Narfi’s hand a moment, as he rubbed circles in his dainty knuckles.
“There’s something I’ve been meaning to talk to you boys about. It’s something very important.” Narfi looked up, nerves contorting his face. “The past few months have been a little...challenging for me, and I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay, dad. It’s not your fault.” Narfi quickly added, his hand squeezing Loki’s.
“But it is, Narfi. And I’m sorry. I need to do what’s best for you. So…” Loki swallowed, “Would you...Would you be willing to move to Earth, live with your Uncle Thor in New Asgard?”
Narfi’s grip tightened to a deathly one, it caught Loki off guard, his eyes widening some in surprise to the sudden pressure.
“You’re coming with us, right?”
Loki almost laughed, “Yes, I’m coming with you. I’m not just dropping you off.”
That seemed to relieve Narfi a lot. “Okay,” He nodded, “I don’t care where we go dad. I just want to be there with you.”
Loki felt a burning sensation behind his eyes, he told himself that he had already cried too much today. He pulled Narfi into a hug, bringing Váli into his arms a second later.