Nightmares
Peter tried to relax into the insanely expensive bedding, but his mind was racing. His entire life had just been flipped upside down over the last few days. On Monday, he lived in Queens in a tiny apartment with his aunt and went to Midtown Tech. Now, less than a week later, he lived in the Avengers Compound upstate with Iron Man as his guardian. He didn’t even know if he’d be going back to Midtown or not. He hoped so. He’d hate to lose Ned and MJ as well as May.
It took him a couple of hours to get to sleep, but it wasn’t a peaceful sleep.
Tyres screeching. Metal against metal. Bang. Screaming. Sirens.
Peter shot up in bed, immediately bursting into tears, his breaths coming fast. He clutched at his chest, struggling to breathe. He heard FRIDAY say something but he couldn’t focus enough to understand what she was saying. All he could think was that May was dead. She was gone. He’d never see her again. It should’ve been him. It should’ve been him.
And then his door was opening and light was streaming into the room, casting a yellow glow on his bedding. And then his bed was dipping slightly and hands came to rest on his shoulders, weighing them down a little. The pressure felt good, it was grounding. But he still couldn’t breathe.
Gradually, he started to hear someone talking to him and he tried to focus his eyes, eventually landing on the man next to him.
Mr Stark.
Mr Stark was here.
“Breathe, kiddo, come on, you can do it. Follow my breathing.” Tony exaggerated his breaths, heaving his chest up and down slowly. “I want you to take a big breath in and hold it for me for as long as you can.”
He tried doing what he was asked, only managing a couple of seconds before letting it out, but Tony seemed to be happy he was trying at least.
“That’s good, buddy, that’s good. Try again for me? See if you can do it a little longer this time.”
Tony slowly helped him to regulate his breathing and then Peter collapsed forward, sobs ripping from his throat in despair and Tony felt a pang in his chest for the pain that his kid was going through.
“I’m so sorry, kiddo. i’m so sorry. I’m here, you’re okay. You’re okay.” He kept repeating the same phrases and that made Peter cry harder.
“That’s the point. I—I’m okay.” He cried and Tony hugged him tighter. “I’m okay and May’s dead. I’m the one with superpowers and s-super healing and May’s the one that died.”
That broke Tony’s heart, hearing the kid talk about himself like that. Tony knew for a fact that there wasn’t any other outcome that May would’ve preferred. If one of them had to die, she would’ve sacrificed herself for Peter every single time. Tony knew that ultimately, Peter understood that. it was just very fresh and hard at the moment.
“N-Now she’s gone and I—I have to—” Peter sucked in a quick breath, stiffening up. “—I have to plan her funeral, don’t I?”
Tony shook his head forcefully. “No, kiddo, you don’t. I’ll take care of it. You don’t have to do anything, okay?”
“Thank you,” the kid whispered.
“You think you can go back to sleep?” Tony asked and Peter pulled away from the man to look at the time that was projected on the wall next to his bed from a small device. It was 4:23am. He let out another sob and shook his head.
“I—I’m sorry,” he cried, knowing that he was being such a burden to Tony, that he hadn’t asked for this, but he was having to deal with him anyway. He was such an inconvenience.
“Hey, it’s okay. It’s no problem, I promise. Come on, I have an idea.” The man pulled away from Peter and stood up, holding his hands out for the kid.
Peter’s shaking hands gripped his and he stood on unsteady feet. Tony immediately wrapped his arm around him and led him out of the room and back down the hallway.
The Compound was roughly the same size as the tower in area space, but it had less floors. The top three floors in the tower were the Avengers’ floor, Tony’s private lab, and the penthouse. Everything was on one floor at the Compound, but there was still plenty of space, and Tony had the whole east wing of the Compound for himself. Well, himself and Peter now. Their bedrooms were obviously in a smaller wing to all the Avengers’ bedrooms, the west wing having a much longer hallway housing the rest of the team. All the rooms barring two were empty of course, Vision and Rhodey being the only two that stuck around after the Civil War. The rest were on the run. There was a common area between the east and west wings, plush sofas and a big tv, a pool table, and a massive kitchen that the Avengers used. Tony had his own kitchen in the east wing. Peter had never gone out of Tony’s part of the floor.
There was another door just off the Avengers’ kitchen that led to a small flight of stairs. Tony led Peter down them and it opened out into another hallway. There was just one set of doors the whole way. They looked heavier than the other doors, and Tony had to pull hard on one of them to get it to give way.
Behind the doors was what looked like to Peter a massive screening room. But there weren’t any seats set out like in a normal movie theatre. Instead there was a slightly raised platform, only a couple of feet off the ground, and every few yards it went up another few inches. Each level looked like plush couch cushion, confirmed to Peter when he stepped foot on the second row. There were pillows and blankets out everywhere, giving the large room a cozy feeling. Every few spaces there were cup holders. Each platform level was so wide that you could lay down as though you were on a bed and there’d still be room at the bottom. There was just enough back rest so that the people sat behind could still see the screen, but it was still super comfortable.
Peter had never been in before, and he vaguely wondered why. Then he realised the state that the room was in. There were blankets and pillows everywhere, but they were strewn about as though they’d been used and Peter realised with a pang that this was where the Avengers would have had their movie nights. This was probably a huge bonding thing for them, another thing stripped away from Tony when the Avengers broke up. It was probably painful for him to be back in here, since the blankets looked untouched and there was a little dust hanging around.
It warmed Peter to know that Tony hadn’t been in this room for god knows how long, but he’d brought Peter to make him feel better. It showed just how much the man cared for him, that he was willing to think about painful memories with his old family to take care of his new one.
They finally settled down and Tony tugged a blanket over the two of them, making sure that there were loads of pillows so that Peter was as comfortable as he could be.
“What do you wanna watch, kiddo?”
Peter shrugged his shoulders.
“What’s a film you remember loving and watching to death when you were little? I find that watching stuff that was out when you were growing up is a different level of comfort.” Tony said and Peter thought for a moment. Tony slung his arm over the kid’s shoulders and pulled him close.
“Promise you won’t laugh?” Peter hesitated a little.
“I promise, kiddo.”
“Shrek 2.”
Tony smiled and nodded his head. “I can see that. It’s a fantastic movie. FRIDAY, play Shrek 2 for the kid.” He pressed his lips to Peter’s temple and the boy finally settled down, snuggling into Tony’s side as the DreamWorks opening music played and the huge screen came to life.
“It’ll get easier, kid.” Tony mumbled about ten minutes into the movie. Peter turned his head from the screen to look up at him.
“Are you sure?” Tony reached and wiped at the tear tracks on Peter’s cheeks, nodding.
“I’m sure. The grief won’t go, just like I’m sure you still miss your parents, but it’ll get better to manage. You’ll start remembering things and being happy to have those memories, you’ll start to smile when you think of May instead of getting upset. I promise. I know this is hard. I really do, I understand, probably more than most people. I know what it’s like to be a kid and to feel alone. I mean, I had Obadiah but he turned about to be an even bigger ass than my dad. I felt so alone. But I wasn’t. I had Rhodey, and later on, I had Happy and Pepper. You’re not alone, Peter.” He wiped at a fresh tear rolling down the kid’s face. “You’re not alone. You have me, and I’m always going to be here, no matter what. You have me, you have Rhodey and Happy and Pepper too. And you have Ned and MJ. They’re always going to be there for you.”
A few more tears escaped Peter’s eyes. “It hurts so much, Mr Stark.”
“I know, bambino, I know.” They both grazed over the new nickname that Tony had given Peter, adding it to the long list. “I think your physical injuries also have something to do about it. Like your ribs, you’re still healing. So when you strain yourself and your ribs hurt, you remember why your ribs hurt and you remember what happened and that makes you feel shit all over again.”
Peter nodded. That made a lot of sense.
“So when you heal properly, there won’t be a constant reminder of it every time you move. It’ll get easier, I promise you. And until then, you have me.”
Peter looked back up at Tony, his eyes glistening with more unshed tears. “I’m sorry I woke you up.”
“Don’t be sorry, Pete. Besides, this is probably payback for all the times I woke Rhodey up cause of the same exact thing.” He let out a little chuckle and the corner of Peter’s mouth curled up into a slight smile. “I’m gonna be there for you whenever you have a nightmare and whenever you feel like the world’s closing in on you and you have nobody. I’m gonna be there. My dad was a shocking father, Pete. Jarvis was more of a father to me than he ever was, and I know that I’m not your dad but I’m gonna do better than mine, I swear. I’m gonna do my best.”
Peter didn’t know what to say. He didn’t have the words to tell Tony how grateful he was, and he probably never would have the words. So instead he turned and buried his head into Tony’s chest, his arms going around him and clinging on tight.
For the next hour and a half, the two of them laid there in the screening room with Shrek playing. Tony was right, the familiar soundtrack and characters made him feel better, made him remember a time when he was happy, and Peter eventually fell back asleep, his head rising and falling slowly on Tony’s chest.
The next day, Tony started the preparations for May’s funeral. Pepper helped him, finding out the name of the church that May occasionally attended and booking a funeral service for four days time. There had been an announcement made in the local newspaper in Queens and Pepper made sure that everyone at the hospital that May worked at knew about the funeral. It would just be a short service. Neither Ben nor May were ever particularly religious. Plus, Pepper didn’t want there to be any pressure on Peter to be there for hours on end, talking to people he’d only ever met once or twice in his life.
Tony arranged for Ned and MJ to come over the morning of the funeral to support Peter. They’d both said that they’d be there for him and Happy picked the both of them up at 7am and drove them back to the Compound. Tony knew it was counter intuitive; they were going to drive to Queens soon, but he wanted Peter to have his friends with him all day. He didn’t really know if Peter wanted Tony there, and he didn’t want to smother him.
Ned and MJ arrived and Tony knew that Ned was holding in his freak-out. He was unbelievably excited to be at the Compound, but he knew that it wasn’t the appropriate time for a million and one questions about the Avengers and the tech in the building. Tony met them at the front doors and eld them up to their living area.
“I need to go and wake Pete up. Make yourselves comfortable and I’ll let you know when you can go back and see him.” Tony said and the two kids nodded, sitting down on the plush sofa and chatting quietly to each other.
Tony opened the curtains and Peter moaned, digging his head back into the pillow. Tony smiled and perched on the edge of the bed, carding his hand through Peter’s hair.
“Come on, kiddo. I’ve already let you sleep longer than I was supposed to. If you don’t get up now, Pepper’s gonna kill the both of us.”
Peter let out another moan.
“I know, Pete, I know. Look, I’ve hung your suit up on your closet door. If you need anything before we go, just come get me, okay? And there’s a couple people waiting for you outside.”
He didn’t say anything, but Peter nodded his head and Tony figured that was the best he was gonna get out of him. While the kid was getting dressed, Tony decided to make blueberry waffles for everyone. Pepper might complain about the messy kitchen or potentially getting flour everywhere, but he didn’t care today.
Peter eventually managed to drag himself out of bed, heading to the en suite for the fastest shower of his life before staring at the grey suit hanging on the door for a solid five minutes. Today was the day he’d been dreading ever since the crash. The day where he’d finally have to admit that May was gone and that she wasn’t coming back. And he was going to have to do it in front of everyone that had ever known her. He didn’t know them. All the employees at the hospital, her few friends from school that she still kept in touch with. He didn’t know them. But one by one today, they would all come up to him and shake his hand or hug him and say how sorry they were that May was gone.
He dressed and ran his tie through his hands, realising that he didn’t know how to tie one. Ben had died before he’d ever had a reason to wear one. May had always tied it for him if he needed to wear one. And now both of them were gone, and he still didn’t know how to tie a tie.
He walked down the hallway towards the kitchen, his tie in hand. Tony was stood facing the stove, messing around with the waffle iron. When he heard Peter enter the room, he turned around, giving him a small smile.
“Hey, kid. Thanks for being so quick, you alright?”
Peter was just sort of frozen on the spot for a minute.
“Uh—I… I don’t—Ben never—May used to do—”
Tony saw him struggling and stepped forward, placing his hands on his shoulders. Peter looked up at him.
“You want me to help you with your tie?”
Peter nodded, holding out the strip of fabric. Tony took it gently from him and draped it around his neck, lifting the collar of his shirt.
“So, this part has to be longer than this part, and then you have to cross them over,” Tony’s tongue stuck out the side of his mouth as he concentrated. “Then it comes around here and goes over here once or twice and then it comes up through here,” he pulled the end of the tie up through the gap at the top, “and down through here. There, perfect.” Tony tightened it and folded his collar back over it.
“T-Thanks, Mr Stark.”
Tony smiled warmly at him. “No problem, kiddo.” He stood there for a moment with his hands on Peter’s shoulders until they could smell smoke. “Shit!” He wheeled around and remembered that he’d left the waffle mix in the iron and it was burning. “I swear to god, I thought flour on my suit was gonna be the worst thing to come out of making waffles this morning. My stupidity reaches new levels, I swear to god.”
Peter let out a half-hearted chuckle and Tony nodded to the living area.
“Why don’t you go say hello?”
Peter’s head whipped around to the sofa and he smiled when he saw Ned and MJ. He walked over to them and MJ was the first to reach him, hugging him in a strong embrace. Ned was next, and he threw himself at Peter. Peter patted him on the back and hugged him just as tight.
“I didn’t realise you guys were coming here before,” Peter mumbled and Ned pulled away, sitting back down on the sofa.
“Tony thought it was a good idea, thought you might appreciate us being here,” MJ said and Peter nodded. Tony had been right. “We’re also staying the night. He sorted everything with our parents so we can just come back here afterwards and watch movies.”
“That sounds really great, you guys. Thanks for being here,” he tried to smile at them but it was obvious that it was pained. He wondered how many fake smiles he’d have to shoot off today at the countless strangers that would be at May’s funeral.
“Alright, munchkins, your breakfast is ready.” Tony whipped the tea towel over his shoulder and put three plates of burnt waffles at the end of the kitchen island and all three kids came and took their seats, eating them in pretty much silence. Tony went about the kitchen trying to get rid of the burnt smell and trying to get the last of the flour off of his very expensive designer suit so that Pepper wouldn’t kill him.
The women herself turned up twenty minutes later in a very appropriate black dress with a few accessories, and she made her way straight to Peter, pulling him into a tight hug. Peter fell into her arms, his shoulders shaking as he cried against her. Ned and MJ look sadly at each other over Peter’s head and tony’s heart clenched at the pain the kid was going through. He’d do anything to make it go away, he really would.
Happy drove them all in the stretched car, so there was enough seating for everyone. The journey was spent mostly in silence and Peter curled up to Pepper, bracing himself for what was about to come.
The funeral went as well as it could have. Peter stood with MJ and Ned at the front, squeezing MJ’s hand every so often to say thank you. Tony had spoken to Peter beforehand and said that he’d stick to the back with Pepper so that he wouldn’t draw any attention to himself, unless Peter explicitly wanted him there next to him. Peter was a little surprised about how much Tony had thought about the whole thing, and had said that he’d be fine with Ned and MJ with him. The service was brief, and Peter did’t want to speak, so it wasn’t long before he had to greet everyone and thank them for coming. He barely recognised anyone. He didn’t even recognise the four guys carrying May down the aisle. He just assumed they were people from work.
Then everyone left and went to the graveyard where the coffin would be lowered, and Peter had broken down. He’d done his bit, taking the shovel and throwing a little soil on top of the coffin, just like he’d done at Ben’s funeral. He’d then stumbled back over to Tony and collapsed in his arms. Tony had wheeled him away from everyone else so that he could have a little privacy. He left Peter in Pepper’s arms as everyone started to file away, leaving Peter be. There was some sort of wake going on for May, but Tony doubted Peter would be going to it. Soon, it was just the five of them and Happy at the graveyard, the fresh dirt on top of May’s grave turning into mud as the rain started to pour.
Tony made sure he was out of earshot of Peter before he crouched down and placed his hand on the top of the gravestone. He lowered his voice to a mumble.
“I want you both to know that he’s going to be okay. You did an amazing job raising him, he’s the best kid I know. And even though now’s a rough time for him, and it’s gonna be hard for the next few months, I want you to know that he’s gonna be fine. I’m gonna be here for him the entire time, he’s not getting rid of me. I’ll do my best to make sure that he grows up to be someone you’re proud of, which I’m sure he will anyway. I’m not a parent, I’ve never been one and I never had a good example, but I’m gonna try my hardest, I promise. You can both rest easy now, your job is done, you raised an amazing young man, and you should be proud of yourselves.” Tony pressed a kiss to his fingers and grazed it over the black stone. He felt tears pricking at his eyes and looked up into the rain slightly, trying to compose himself before Peter saw him and got any worse.
Tony stood up, his knees cracking in protest. He stood for a minute in silence and nodded his head at the gravestone before turning back around and heading over to Peter and Pepper.
He practically poured Peter into the car waiting for them at the graveyard entrance.
“A-Are you sure we can leave?” Peter had stuttered once Tony had told Happy to drive, making sure that all three kids and Pepper were buckled in.
“Of course, kiddo. Everyone will understand. You don’t need to be there, you did what you had to do. If you want to another day, we can come back here and visit. But you’re done for today.” Tony had said, and Peter had promptly collapsed onto Tony’s chest, sobbing and clutching the man’s shirt with such strength that he almost tore through it.
So now they were back home at the Compound and Peter had gone straight to his room to change into comfy clothes, as had MJ and Ned. Tony had set up space for the both of them to sleep; Ned was sleeping with Peter and MJ had the spare guest room.
They spent the rest of the night eating pizza and popcorn and watching old Disney movies. Eventually, all three kids fell asleep curled up against each other and Tony took a photo before Pepper grabbed a blanket for them, draping it over them a tucking it in.
“Are you sure we shouldn’t wake them up and get them to bed?” Tony asked and Pepper shook her head.
“They’ll be fine out here. Peter’s probably thankful to have a little company.” Tony nodded and gently ruffled Peter’s hair before following Pepper back to their room.
Peter didn’t seem to eat much over the next few days, and he didn’t seem to ever really leave his room. Tony had to go back to doing a few things for SI and he was in negotiations with the new owner of the tower to see if he could get it back, which was stressful. Apparently they weren’t happy that the building they’d only had possession of for a few months was being bought back by the original owners. He made FRIDAY check in with Peter every once in a while, and Tony still went into his room during the night when he had a nightmare.
“FRI, where’s Peter?” He asked, stretching as he came out of yet another board meeting. He swore Pepper was just punishing him for missing so many over the last few weeks.
Peter is currently in his room.
“What’s he done today?”
Not much. He tried to do a little homework this morning but stopped after a while. He talked to his friend Ned briefly. Apart from that, he hasn’t done anything.
Tony’s worry increased. This was the third day in a row that Peter had stayed in his room all day.
“Order two large pepperonis and get them here asap.”
He waited until the pizza arrived before walking to Peter’s room and knocking on the door. He waited for Peter to say he could go in before opening it. Peter was laid on his bed, curled up and facing the balcony doors. Tony placed the pizza boxes down on the desk chair and walked over to Peter’s side.
“How you doing, kiddo?”
“I’m okay,” Peter said, but Tony knew he was lying.
“Come on. You haven’t left your room in three days, bud. I’m getting worried here.”
“I’m fine, Mr Stark. I promise.” His voice was shaky, as though he was about to cry, and Tony could see that from the redness around his eyes, he’d already done so today.
Tony sighed. “Alright, come on then.” He kicked his shoes off and climbed onto the bed next to Peter, snuggling up next to him and pulling him over so that he faced the other way. He planted his head on Tony’s chest and he ran his fingers through the kid’s hair like he knew he enjoyed. “Come on, tell me what’s going on.”
That’s when the crying started. Tony had fully expected it, and just simply sat there and held him. He rocked him slightly and brushed away the stuttered apology when Peter realised he was getting Tony’s t-shirt wet.
“I want her back,” Peter cried into him. “It’s not fair, I want her back. I—every night I dream about her and I’m happy but then it—then the crash happens and it’s every night and I—”
“Y’know, a wise man once said ‘it does not do to dwell on dreams, and forget to live’. I know that the dreams about May are nice, but that’s all they are, bud. Dreams. It’s the sad reality of losing someone, that you’re only ever gonna see them in dreams. But you can’t let it control you. You can’t coop yourself up in here for days on end just because you want her back. And I’m a hypocrite, god knows how many days I spent passed out drunk after my parents died, but I’m trying to get you to learn from my mistakes. It’s okay to be sad, it’s okay to miss her. What’s not okay is to let it eat you alive and to make you stop taking care of yourself.” Peter listened as Tony talked, soaking it all in.
Once Tony had finished, Peter pulled away from his chest to look at him properly. He raised an eyebrow. “Did you just quote Harry Potter to me?”
Tony rolled his eyes. “I believe I quoted Albus Dumbledore, you absolute philistine.”
Peter let out a wet chuckle and Tony smiled, tugging him close.
“I love you, kiddo.”
“I love you too, Mr Stark.”
“Now, are you hungry?” Peter flushed red and nodded. “Thought so. That’s why I came prepared.” Tony reached over to the desk chair and picked up the pizza boxes. “Cause I know I just can’t eat all this by myself.”