How does one have sex with a dolphin? Honestly, that is quite simple to answer if you know both basic human and Delphinidae anatomy. But some people don’t, some ask the following questions. Do the dolphins use their rostrum or dorsal fin to pleasure, or do they perform what humans would consider ‘normal’ intercourse.
There is one abnormal case of a woman and a dolphin participating in intercourse together, but we don't need to go into that.
In the fullness of time, this woman, whom we shall call Helena, lived quite the life. The range in her activities was quite unchartable, from sleeping with celebrities to being married to her classmate.
One of her marvelous documented adventures starts off on a field trip for school. Her class had been in a different city to learn about the greatest boyband of all time, the Backstreet Boys. At the infamous Backstreet Boys museum, everyone fangirled over the very intricate wax figures of Nick Carter, because he is really hot.
The trip to the museum ran very short, because everyone wanted to hide in the basement and wait for the real Backstreet Boys to pop out of nowhere, but the teacher said no. This made Helena very upset. She wanted to wait for AJ McLean to show up so she could throw him into a burlap sack and smuggle him into the deepest, darkest part of the Amazon Rainforest.
After leaving the best museum in the world, the class made their way to the best pizza spot in town, Pizza Orgasima. They went there because the pizza was so good you could have an orgasm from eating it. Helena sat down at the table, trying to sit away from everyone else, especially her stinky gross classmate Jake Gyllenhaal. There were rumours he didn’t shower, and rumours at this school were very veracious.
While everyone was eating their orgasmic pizza, Helena noticed she was sitting next to her teacher, Mr Christopher Michael Pratt. Everyone thought he was very daddy, and they all wanted a piece of him, hence the unbeknownst plan to kidnap him from his family and take him to Trinidad and Tobago and continue from there.
“Hey, Helena,” Chris Pratt started. “I noticed you’re looking a bit sad. What’s the matter?”
Helena spoke softly. “Oh, nothing really. I’m just a bit sad that I didn't kidnap AJ Mclean and take him to Brazil to mutilate his body.”
She sighed. Chris Pratt sighed. Everyone around the table sighed.
Then, in the blink of an eye, everyone got mystically transported back to their school, which was called The Austere Academy of Penultimate Peril. But don’t listen to the name, it’s just a play on words because the founder loved the Lemony Snicket books. It also doesn’t make much sense, because it is quite a lovely school, despite the roaches and various arthropods roaming the walls and floors.
Helena noticed the main hall was set up for a party, but it wasn’t prom and it wasn’t Christmas. Just a random party, set up by the principal, Mr Mochi MakMaillian. Helena didn’t want to go, even though Chris tried to convince her. She went back to her condo and sat on her couch, moping about not being able to live in the same time period as Ringo Starr.
A knock on the door of her condo startled her.
It was Mr Mochi.
“Helena, you idiot, you’re not allowed to sit in here and mope around because you don’t get to make out with Ryan Reynolds,” he said.
She sighed. “Yes, I know. I’ll be out in five minutes. Peace out,” she said gloomily as she went to sit on her couch again.
FLASHBACK BEGINS
Dear Diary,
Today was the day me and Ryan broke up. He said he wanted to marry someone to have kids with who is actually legal. It doesn’t make sense. Why marry someone legal who you don’t love over someone you aren't legal but you do love?
SO SCREW YOU RYAN! YOU CAN GO KISS BLAKE WHILE LEAVING ME TO ROT IN MIDDLE SCHOOL YOU ABSOLUTE IMBECILE!
Anyways, I need to go back to class, or Mr Mochi is going to send me to juvie.
Signed, Hellish Helena
FLASHBACK OVER
As Helena left her condo to go to the spontaneous party, the world changed again, this time to a pitch black room. The air was oddly cold, but a dry cold. Helena felt a blanket on top of her, and it was very heavy, which made her come to the conclusion that she was underneath a weighted blanket. But she doesn’t own any weighted blankets.
As she moved to get out of the water bed with the weighted blanket, she heard someone open and slam a heavy sounding door.
“Helena!” a voice yelled. “Where in the world are you!?”
“Bedroom!”
“Oh got, are you planning on havgin sex in the bathtub, again? We literally did it last night.”
“Well, what do you think? We’re married, dipshit. MIght as well make the most of our young bodies before we look like damn prunes.”
“Well, I don’t want to have sex in the bathtub anymore. In fact, I don’t want to do it for a whole week.”
Helena snorted with laughter. “Oh, so you think I need you to get pleasure?”
Tamale nodded. He was such an idiot, I mean his name is literally Tamale.
“WELL SUCKS FOR YOU, YOU NOT-SO-HOT TAMALE! I GET ALL OF MY PLEASURE FROM THE BARBIE DOLL IN THE ATTIC!”
Then everything went black because the world blew up and everyone died.
Fin.