Laura Barton turns over in bed to face her husband, eyes slightly opened to see him. In the moment between sleep and awake, she notices an empty pillow with rumpled covers. Flopping her hand over to where he normally sleeps, she feels nothing and her mind wakes up immediately. She shoots up into a sitting position and rubs her eyes, straining them to see if he’s even present in the bedroom. But he’s not.
“Clint?” Looking around once more to see if her eyes are playing tricks on her, she pulls back the covers and stands up, senses heightened.
`Intruder?’ No, her imagination was running wild. There’s a perfectly reasonable and understandable answer to his absence. He must have not been able to sleep, she assures herself.
Quietly tiptoeing down the stairs, she peers over the banister but sees no lights on.
‘Odd. Maybe he fell asleep on the couch.’ Descending, she reaches the landing and walks over to the couch, but doesn’t find him there either.
“Clint?” She whispers, a small amount of panic slowly creeping into her logical thinking.
Her feet pick up the pace as she starts to search the house, flicking on every light to expose any hiding spot he may be in. But he’s nowhere to be found.
Laura calls out this time, discarding the fact that it may wake the children.
“Clint? Where are you?”
‘He couldn’t have left. Could he?’
She thinks, her heart racing as the thought grows into a more developed possibility.
‘No that’s impossible. He would have told me before. I would know.’
Calming herself down with a deep breath, her hearing picks up on a slight creak outside.
She stops, ears straining for another sound.
Softly opening the door, she squints out into the darkness and then looks down to find a figure huddled on the porch steps. The figure doesn’t move, but she can hear him breathing.
With an inaudible sigh of relief, she steps over to where he is and sits down next to him. Placing a hand on his shoulder, she whispers,
“Clint?”
He turns but then moves back to his position, looking out into the darkness. There’s nothing out there, but he doesn’t notice. His mind is in another land, another universe.
A certain universe.
One where she’s alive.
“Couldn’t sleep?”
He shakes his head, blinking to escape his other world. Clasping his hands, he rests them on his bent legs. Still gazing out into nothingness, he takes a minute to collect his thoughts.
“No. I was, I was thinking.”
His voice comes out hoarse and thick, like he swallowed a spoonful of dry peanut butter.
“About what?” She already knows the answer, but ever since he returned home, he never talked to her about what happened. It was always just a few tears and a couple words, then the sentence,
“I’m gonna go check on the kids.”
But Laura has him here.
“About her.”
She nods, taking a deep breath. This is such a difficult topic for him, and she doesn't want to pressure or hurt him, so she just remains silent.
Waiting for him to speak again.
“I, I was thinking about what it would be like if she was here right now. Here at the farm, with us.”
His voice broke at the end and he dropped his head, unable to continue.
She reaches a hand over and begins to rub the back of his neck, a sign of love. Taking a minute to think, she speaks up,
“She’d probably be peeking in Lila every ten minutes. Or staying up all night in case Nathaniel wanted some milk. Or during the day, she’d probably be hel-”
She goes quiet and stops, ashamed of her words. She was too free with what she said, for this hurt Clint to talk about the what if’s.
“She’d, she’d probably be helping Cooper with his math homework during the day.”
Clint finishes her sentence, ignoring her hesitation.
She smiles, though she couldn’t see him. But she knows his eyes are on her. Taking that moment of approval, she goes on.
“She would. My favorite thing about her was when we would just talk out here on the porch. Despite the interruptions that she always said yes to with the kids, we had some pleasant conversations together. Remember when she and I were about to sit down and talk when Lila called out that she felt sick?”
“Yeah, Nat ran right inside.”
He replies, rubbing the back of his head with great force.
“Mmhm, and I followed after her, but she was already up the stairs with a bowl and towel. I ran up as well but Nat was already holding up Lila’s hair as she threw up in the toilet.”
He smiles in the dark, grateful to reminisce on the happy memories.
“Do you remember the time she came out here to stay for a while, and the bed she was sleeping on broke in the middle of the night? Then she had to sleep on a broken bed the entire night until the morning, and I remember her asking for a hammer and nails right after breakfast. I asked her what she needed them for and she just replied,
“Minor change in the room I’m staying in.”
He laughs aloud and grins, thinking of that funny time.
“I remember when she tried to help you make dinners. Gosh she was never that great in the kitchen was she? She would either burn the food, or under cook it. Remember that time when she accidentally undercooked the cupcakes you were making for Nathaniel’s birthday? She was so sad about them, even more than Nathaniel was. She promised to make it up to him by blowing up a bunch of different balloon animals.”
He lets out a watery chuckle which morphs into a gasp the second it exits his mouth.
Covering his mouth with a hand, she reaches over and takes it into her own hand. She knows what he was doing out here before she arrived. Crying, he was crying.
“I love you.”
Three simple words.
Three words that had no meaning if they were said to a completely random person.
But this was her husband, the one who told her everything.
The one who was there to protect and guide the family.
The one who was an honorary avenger.
But most importantly, he was her lover. And right now, her lover needs help, for a rub on the shoulder just wouldn’t work.
“So much.”
“M-” Clint can't even get a single word out before his breathing hitches and he finds himself collapsing. The great barrier that blocks out the wave of feelings had split in two and he's losing himself.
“Oh Clint.”
She scoots as close as she can next to him and wraps both arms around him, pulling him into her arms. She leans her head on his shoulder and just lets him cry, and cry he does.
His shoulders quake as he releases everything he once kept inside, fleeling his body with tremendous amounts of force. His shoulders jerk with each shallow inhale as he tries to catch his breath, but to no avail.
“I can’t carry this anymore.”
He gasps, everything in him screaming in pain. He feels nothing at all yet everything at the same time.
“Then don’t my dear. Leave it to the wind to carry it away.”
“H’w”
He calls out between breaths, his throat felt like it was gone, replaced by sandpaper that hurt his voice. Tears pour down his cheeks, staining his pants and Laura could hear them dropping onto the porch below her. He drops his head into his hands.
“By living. By watching your children grow. By staying by my side.”
“But I can’t forget about her.”
“Then don’t. Don’t forget her. You can celebrate her wonderful life. You of all people would know how to."
Pausing, she continues.
"I didn’t know her as you did, but from what I observed, she would be so happy for you right now. So you can be grateful to her. For what she's given you. Given us all."
“What has she given me?” Clint stops, realizing what just came out of his mouth. He instantly feels a stab of guilt, for he forgot about what he gained from Natasha’s sacrifice.
“I’m, I’m sorry.”
Laura just shakes her head. She doesn't care at the moment, for her patience was beyond words.
With a firm yet gentle voice, she declares,
“Honey, you’re here now. You have your children, your wife, even your beautiful farm. She gave that to us, to you. The reason we, me, Lila, Cooper, Nathaniel, are here right now, is because of her. She gave us back to you.”
‘Maybe you’d be better off without me.’
He thinks.
Apparently he has loud thoughts and it seems as if Laura knew what he was considering.
“Clint, we need you here. Don’t you dare think about us being better off without you. Nathaniel wants you to teach him archery, Lila is growing into a young woman who needs her father, and Cooper is a young man who looks up to you. We all need you here, for better or for worse. Do you hear me?”
She pauses, a twinge of sadness poking her.
Does her husband really want to leave?
Is she not enough
In a softer tone, she says,
“Clint, I need you.”
She leans her head onto his shoulder and sighs, patiently waiting for him to reply.
But nothing is said, for Clint has relinquished his guilt. His pain, his grief. He feels a sense of peace, a feeling of love. A genuine need to stay with his family. He feels wanted, needed.
“I need you too.”
He whispers. Taking a deep breath, he closes his eyes and rests his own head against hers.
‘Leave it to the wind to carry it away.’
And so he does.