Steve had once held hope that after he had been selected for the Captain America project, that he would finally have the strength to fight for what was good and right. That after a lifetime of helplessness, he would at last be strong enough to protect those he loved.
In retrospect, he'd should have known better. What was physical strength against the years of sorrow that had weakened his mom's heart till it gave? Or the politics and greed that had transformed Bucky into the Winter Soldier? He could punch Red Skull in the face all he wanted and yet that madman's insidious ideas still spread and rose again and again and with every henchman he knocked out, two more rose to take their place. Again and again, he fought and failed, unsure how to an enemy that too often took the shape of the very people he sought to protect.
It was one of the reasons he had so admired Tony Stark. A man who always seemed to know the right words, to always have just the right resources to fix every problem that Steve brought to him when punches couldn't fix it. Steve had been a man adrift and Tony had built him a home, found him friends new and old, gave him new hope when he thought he had lost it all.
And now standing in front of the other man, his dearest friend in this new era, Steve was as helpless as when he stood 5'1'' and 90 pounds with only a trash lid against the block's bully in the alley behind the old theater. Except this time there would be no Bucky coming to his rescue. Because even with all the resources both on Earth and Asgardian available to them, apparently there wasn't a single person in the nine realms that could remove the fucking brain tumor that had been growing in Tony's brain this entire time. Not at least, without also killing the other man.
The worst part of it all, Tony was now trying to console him after revealing the suffering he'd been going through all this time while Steve was unawares. Steve almost wished that Tony was yelling at him instead, crying or screaming or even trying to punch him. Anything other than that faded sad smile as he reassured Steve that everything was alright when nothing was alright anymore.
"It's okay Steve. I was always going to die early between the drinking and the drugs I've done. At least this I get to say wasn't my fault."
Steve tried to say something. Tried to say anything. But all he could do was stare at Tony, trying to process the possibility that in less than a month, the man never smile at him again. Should he say he was sorry? Should he tell Tony that he would be with him to the end that would be coming far too soon? Should he beg Tony to stay, to somehow defy death itself because Steve wasn't sure how he was supposed to go on without Tony's presence in this world?
"Steve, please sit at least."
Steve dumbly sat on the chair next to Tony's bed. He was supposed to say something. He just didn't know what. What else could he say? Was there anything he could say to make this better? Were there ever right words to say to one's best friend who was dying by the day? He thought about asking for the brain scans again as if he could find something different, thought about who else he might be able to call upon to try to help and could only come with a blank. Dr. Strange had come to take a look and only frowned and shook his head. Thor had even invited the Asgardian queen Freya, renowned healer of Asgard to come see Tony and even she only whispered to him, my poor dear. Who else was there left?
And yet something in him screamed that there was more to be done. That he couldn't just let him go. He took up one of Tony's hands, now cold and pale and bruised from the IV's they had placed. For a moment, he remembered holding his mother's hand as she faded away at last on that dark winter day, the way it had cooled in his while he wept. Remembered how in his grief, he had thought of lighting himself on fire to try to keep her warm just a little bit longer. For even just one more precious moment, he would have been happy to burn himself to the quick.
He had survived then despite it all the odds. He would survive Tony's passing too. The world would be a little more gray, a little more dull. But he would survive as he always does.
He did not want to.
He wanted Tony.
Surely he had lost enough? Was the world not yet satisfied with all that it had taken from him already? That it had to demand his friend? Was it something he had done? Or some god he had angered that they were always trying to take and take and take? If so, why not simply take him? He would rather be the one lost than losing. Surely he'd had enough health issues in the day and been in enough fights against the odds that it would have made more sense for him to be the one dying on a hospital bed than Tony?
"Please don't go."
He blurted it out before he could think. Don't go. Please don't go. As if Tony had any choice. As if he'd needed Steve to add yet another layer of responsibility and guilt to his tragedy. For Steve knew Tony, knew that he'd had tried and tried and failed as well and that very likely Tony felt more worry for Steve and everyone else than he felt for himself. And here Steve went, choosing the most selfish option he could think to say. Begging Tony to do the impossible even as Steve failed to even be able to comfort him.
Tony's face crumpled and Steve flinched back.
"I'm sorry Steve. I tried I swear. I just-"
Steve shook his head.
"No I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that. I know you tried. That everyone has tried. I'm just so angry that it happened to you of all people because you deserve so much better. And I'm...I'm scared. Of losing you."
Steve reminded himself not to squeeze Tony's hand too hard, to be cautious of the strength the serum had granted him, even as he yearned to pull Tony into his arms and hold him tight as if he could somehow keep him here with sheer strength of will.
"Steve, I-" Tony brought up his other hand to his eyes, trying to hide them. But Steve could see the tell tale streaks running down across his cheeks below, could smell the salt in the air, and hear it in the tremor of his voice. Although perhaps some of that was himself and the tears he could no longer hold back.
"Will you stay with me? I just, I don't want to be alone."
"I'll always be by your side, my friend."