mj,
my name is peter parker.
you don’t know who i am, and that’s okay, but i know who you are. i know that black dahlias are your favorite flower (because of the murder) and that you always expect disappointment so that you’re never disappointed and i’m so sorry because that’s exactly what i did. i promised that i would come find you and tell you who i was but i couldn’t because i ruined your life before and i just don’t feel like i can do that again.
but i miss you. i miss you so much. seeing you today felt like everything was right again and i wish that i could just grab you and kiss you but i can’t because that would make me a pretty big creep. i want to hug you and i want to hug ned and i want to hug may but i can’t do any of those things, and it’s all my fault.
i guess i’m a pretty big loser, huh?
i don’t even know why i’m writing this down. this is stupid. now i’ve gone too meta.
bye, mj. i love you.
peter
.
mj,
i came to see you again today.
i got my coffee and i stood there and made awkward eye contact with you because i just can’t bring myself to say what i’m trying to say but thankfully your boss broke it off to yell at you to take down the christmas decorations.
it’s been a month since may died. i went to her grave today, sat in the tree right above it. happy showed up, and he’s a really ugly crier did you know that? he didn’t see me up there, but i wanted to jump down and talk to him and say thank you for everything he’s done. all of the things he’s done to make sure may isn’t alone.
i miss her so much, em. it was my fault. all of it was my fault. and i can’t stop thinking about peter 2 saying that he lost ben and peter 3 saying that he lost his mj and then i went and lost mine too. but i’m so glad i still get to see you.
i just wish you knew who i was.
love,
peter
.
mj,
i got coffee again today. but this time, i took my ged study book and i sat there and tried to make myself look busy. i really don’t need it, the book. midtown did nothing if not prepare us for every situation, including those with suicidal maniacs.
but while i was sitting there, ned came up to me. he asked if i needed any help. i was so close to telling him no, because i don’t need any help, but i decided to say yes. he ended up helping me with the literature section, which was never really my strong suit, so i was able to dumb myself down a little bit.
but it was so nice getting to talk to him again. it was hard to not let slip that i knew anything about him, so so hard. but i missed you both so much.
you just kind of stood there, looking at both of us. i could tell ned wanted you to come over, but it just didn’t seem to happen. i wish you would. but i can’t get too close.
i can’t be the reason you guys end up like may.
peter
.
mj,
you asked me my name today.
you asked me my name and i almost started crying because i love you and i miss you so much but you don’t have any idea who i am. but instead, i told you that my name was peter.
you smiled a little when i told you, and it felt like the world stopped around me.
i just really hope i just seem like a love-struck doofus and not some world-class creeper who’s been stalking you at work.
i’m taking my ged tomorrow. i really didn’t need this long to practice, but ned has been helping me every time i’ve come in, and i didn’t want to give up the chance to spend time with the two of you. but ned asked if i wanted to hang out with him this weekend, and it took everything in me not to jump for joy.
it’s not the same, but maybe it won’t be bad.
i love you so much, em.
peter
.
mj,
i got to help colonel rhodes today.
it was obvious he had no clue who was under the suit, but he still knew spider-man. he remembered me from the battle at the avengers compound. he knew he could count on me, and it felt so good to finally feel like me again.
ned and i have been hanging out more. it’s still a little awkward and tentative, but the minute he found out that i liked legos and had my own place, he was sold. the x-wing he brought over is sitting next to me right now, and it’s taking everything i have not to finish it before the next time we hang out.
he didn’t ask where my parents were, didn’t ask why i lived alone or why i was trying to get my ged. he was very not ned-like in that way, but at the same time it’s exactly like him. he cares so much, and doesn’t want to push or make me feel uncomfortable. he just wants to watch star wars on the tiny tv i repaired out of the trash and build legos, and maybe that can be enough for a while.
well, that and my coffee, of course.
the coffee that you’ve started making as soon as i walk in the door, and the coffee that you stuck a little post it note to this morning. i’m looking at it now. ‘don’t bother me too much ;)’ with your number.
your number.
i’m almost surprised it happened this fast. well, not fast. tomorrow makes 3 months since may died. 3 months since i met the other peters, and 3 months since you last told me that you loved me.
but i have your number. ned and i build legos. if i don’t think about it too hard, it’s almost like everything is normal.
i promise not to bother you too much.
love,
peter
.
hi mj i know it’s only been two days since my last letter but i just have so much to say.
ned followed me to may’s grave. i almost punched him when he showed up behind me. i don’t know how i didn’t notice something was wrong, but then again, my peter tingle has never been super in-tune around you guys. it never needed to be.
but he found me and i was crying and then all of the sudden he was crying and he didn’t know why because he didn’t know may but he did and i wanted to tell him so bad that he did and i wanted to tell him everything and i was so close. but i couldn’t. it wasn’t the right time.
i’m sure he’s told you by now. that he thinks he has me figured out. a poor little orphan who dropped out of school when his aunt died and is trying to get his life back together. and maybe that explanation will be enough. a believable enough lie to build our friendship on.
i hope it is, because ned will be here in 10 minutes to finish building his lego star destroyer that’s currently taking up a ton of room on my floor, and with my luck, maybe he won’t pry too much.
i’ll be there to see you tomorrow.
peter
.
mj,
it was decidedly not enough to keep ned from prying.
“dude, we saw each other cry,” he said, as if that was enough for me to open up the flood gates.
so i told him the truth.
no, not really, but i had you for a second, huh? i told him that may was my aunt and that she adopted me after my parents died when i was little. i don’t even remember my parents, to be honest. may was the only mom i ever needed. but i told him that she died when that condo got wrecked by spider-man a few months ago.
i figured it would be a pretty good way to gauge how ned felt about spider-man.
i figured right. he looked so upset when i told him that, and his very next question was what i thought about spider-man. i told him i didn’t blame him, which was a lie, because of course i blame myself, and that i still thought spider-man was awesome.
he does too.
we didn’t talk much more after that. we finished the lego star destroyer and i helped him carry it home. lola made us burritos.
it’s enough.
peter
.
mj,
this one will be short because my police scanner is going haywire right now.
you texted me for the first time today.
of course, i texted you when you gave me your number. but you never reply right away, so i wasn’t upset when i didn’t hear from you. okay that was a lie, i was upset but not too much.
‘sorry about your aunt.’ was all it said.
and i’ve never appreciated a message more.
love,
peter
.
mj,
you came over for the first time today. you were standing here, in my apartment. my crappy little studio apartment.
ned brought you over, and he didn’t tell me first. i think he’s trying to play matchmaker.
but we all sat on my bed and watched tv together while you and ned did homework and i worked on repairing an old dvd player i found in the trash behind my apartment, just like i used to.
that was so long ago. before mysterio and before thanos and before mr. stark ever showed up at my apartment. i’ve been making decent money pawning them off, but my savings are almost tapped and it looks like i’m going to have to get a job soon. hopefully it doesn’t make it too hard to keep seeing you guys.
hopefully you keep coming over.
i miss you, mj. so much.
love,
peter
.
mj,
you texted me again today. and called. and then showed up at my apartment. all in one of those little fits of rage that you have where everything gets a little too pent up and you have to find a way to release it.
i just wish your way of releasing it didn’t have to be hitting me awake where i passed out with a pretty nasty concussion two nights ago. all because i didn’t show up for my coffee.
the story is that i fight for money. the reality is, i got hit by a car going a lot faster than it should have while trying to stop a few bank robbers. i barely made it back to my apartment and got my suit off before i blacked out.
you stood at the foot of my bed and yelled at me for scaring you and going off and getting myself into trouble because i’m just a normal guy who’s got no business putting my nose where it doesn’t belong.
it’s kind of impressive, actually. how much i’ve forced you into caring about me in 4 short months. you and ned are graduating soon, and then you’re going to mit in the fall. are you gonna think it’s weird when i come to boston with you?
i hope not.
because i’m absolutely doing it.
peter
.
you showed up at my apartment again today.
it’s been a few months. you and ned are graduated, moving to boston in 3 weeks. we hang out constantly now that it’s summer and you guys don’t have school or classes.
this time, everything was different.
this time, you calmly walked in when i opened the door, and you sat on my bed before you looked at me and asked if i was spider-man.
it was so similar to the bridge in prague that i almost grabbed you and kissed you on the lips right then. but instead, i proceeded to pull out my most convincing denial ever. not.
i denied it and then you looked at me and told me not to lie and i denied it again and then you grabbed my shoulders and told me not to lie again.
it slipped out.
that i’m spider-man. you know i’m spider-man.
but i’m a spider-man without his mj because you, my mj, don’t remember anything about me.
but you know i’m spider-man.
i love you.
peter
.
mj,
thanks for stitching me up today. last night? i don’t know.
i knocked on your bedroom door and watched as you grabbed a baseball bat to hit whatever intruder was there. but when you noticed it was me, your eyes lit up.
until you saw the seven inch wound across my back.
i don’t remember much else of what happened. just that i woke up shirtless in your bed this morning with you asleep on the couch in the living room and snuck out the window that i came in before you woke up.
but god, you looked so peaceful when you were sleeping. i wanted to brush the hair out of your eyes and grab your face and just kiss you and tell you how much i love you but i can’t do that to you.
but then you texted me anyway.
‘you better come with us to boston. you’re too clumsy to be left to your own devices.’
i’ll see you there, em.
peter
.
mj,
it’s my birthday today.
technically, i should be 24. but with the blip and all, i guess i’m 19 now.
i decided that i’m finally going to tell you guys what happened. who i am. all of it. you and ned deserve it more than anyone.
i hope you’re not mad. because you’ll be here in 5 minutes.
i hope you start to love me as much as i love you. because i do. so so much.
should i give you these letters? should i just shove them in a drawer and act like they never existed?
i guess we’ll figure that out.
see you in a minute, em.
peter