Healing
"And how does that make you feel?"
Therapy. Belle hated therapy, it made her open up, give details and relive everything. She hated it, she hated it, she had to tell this woman she barely knew everything. But she couldn't oppose that this woman- this doctor did help. She was more independent now and spoke to others more often, others being vision and Bruce. Belle stopped socializing with Tony after finding out who he really was. He didn't seem to mind her avoiding him.
Belle appreciated all that he and everyone else had given her. But after so much time just lazing around she was feeling guilty and wanted to work. The only problem was the boys wouldn't let her.
"Useless, worthless. When we went to parties I'd stand by her side all night not saying a word. One time she didn't take me with her ... I feel how I felt then not good. I need to do something. I can't sit here and be useless. I need to do something or someone needs to do something to me - I don't know, doing just anything. It doesn't feel right." Belle stood and began to pace the room tracing the walls and bookshelves as she went. Her eyes were closed. She did this often when she confused or scared she'd trace the walls until she found a corner she liked then she'd curl up there and not move until one of the super soldiers got her.
"Belle, Belle come take a seat." Dr. Mays pulled her to sit on the couch. "Calm down. Take deep breathes let's talk."
Belle took deep breaths as she leaned back on the couch and held a pillow to her chest.
"You need something to do. How about the gym you could busy yourself with exercises or... you have a nursing background. Maybe you can help in the infirmary."
"I could be useful, I could help." Dr. Mays held her hands.
"You could. I'll talk to Mr. Stark about the nursing thing. For now how about just hitting the gym, okay? You aren't worthless Belle and you have two men who'd agree."
"Times up." Belle said looking at the clock she stood up and thanked Dr. Mays and left.
"Strange one that girl is. But she'll be fine ... sooner or later." Dr. Mays said to herself as she looked at her notes. Today went easier than she thought.
…
"How was it?" Bucky asked as he heard the elevator open, he was laying on the couch with Steve and had paperwork scattered across the coffee table.
"Improved." Belle said as she took a seat in between them. "I want to help."
"What?"
"I want to go on missions or help the research team or in the infirmary. I need to do something. Dr. May says I have a medical background. I could be helpful. I shouldn't be lazing around."
Bucky stroked his fingers through her hair. "You aren't lazing around, you're healing. I went through it too."
Steve leaned on her shoulder, "The research team or infirmary? I think you'll do great in both. Heal for now and we'll see." Steve said with a chuckle.
"I think I've healed enough." Belle huffed out with a pout.
"Do you still think about her daily?" Steve was met with silence, he felt her tense under him, "Then you are not healed."
Months later, months apart and she still had her claws deep within Belle. She thought about her everyday good and bad. She could never let her be forgotten. She would have loved to forget but it was simply impossible everything she did had some connection to her. She wanted to hate her. She wanted her dead but she couldn't. She couldn't hate Mama, she loved mama and she hated that she loved mama. She hated that she couldn't hate her. She loved her so much that if she walked through the door right now Belle would forget everything and jump in her arms and do anything she asked. This was true, and she hated it. She'd betray the world for her love, a love that was fake, and she hated how easily she'd known she would.
"I'm sorry." Belle cried as she looked down and took Steve's fingers to fidget with. "I'm sorry." She repeated. It broke her heart to say she would give them up without a thought. She laid her head down in Steve's lap as she cried. He and Bucky both rubbed her back. Of course, they didn't understand Belle’s feelings towards this woman but they knew they weren't right. They understood that she needed time and that her feelings wouldn't just go away with the snap of their fingers.
Time, love, and support.
Steve kissed the side of her head as she fell into a soft slumber in his lap. "I'll talk to Bruce, see if she can be his assistant or something." He said quietly.
"Yeah... wasn't she Howard's assistant at one point." questioned Bucky.
"Yeah, you're right. On weekends or when we had no missions, Howard would steal her away. He said it was for work but I bet all he did was ask questions and get details." Steve chuckled remembering the times that Belle would return to their tent with blushing cheeks and a small embarrassed smile.
"Questions?" Bucky couldn't remember what Steve was on about, as he questioned him with a frown.
"Back then we were...."
"And he knew?!" His jaw dropped open as he gasped.
"He knew." Steve smirked at Bucky’s shocked face.