Thor pushed the door open with a little more effort than he was willingly to admit. He felt completely exhausted, his entire body aching with every step he took. He couldn’t even begin to explain the amount of relief that washed over him when his eyes landed on the bed in the corner of the room.
Their new living quarters were small, very small. Thor could already imagine the complaints Loki was going to whine about. He would admit, this place wasn’t exactly ideal. Thor didn’t necessary want to share a bed with his murderous little brother, either. He wouldn’t say he was excited about the sleeping arrangements, but it’s just how things were going to be for a while. He knew fairly well that there were families of eight or ten sleeping in one room together, he should not be the first to complain by any means.
So, Thor took a deep breath, sucking in the stale air, taking in his surroundings. The room was dark, no actual light of its own. Only the glow from the engines just outside the window a little ways. There was a small closet with an automatic door, and a dresser. And that’s it.
Thor huffed, taking a few more steps into the room.
He was trying to remember the time Loki and himself had shared a room once before. It was centuries ago, when they both were very young. He wasn’t even completely sure if Loki could recall, he was a toddler during the time after all. But even then, sharing a room was hard. Though they were children, they were already polar opposites. And Vahalla, Thor knows they haven’t necessarily gotten closer.
“Well,” Thor coughed, breaking the silence, “Home sweet home.” He said dryly. He heard Loki stifle a chuckle from behind, which he took as a good sign. Thor eyed the bed again, noticing that it was sort of small. These next few months trudging through space was not going to be fun, he knew that for sure.
Thor took a step towards the bed, the only thing crossing his mind was the desire to finally kick his boots off and get some much needed rest. He was so distracted by not only his mind, but the constant buzz of the ship, that he almost missed the thud coming from behind him. Thor whirled around, his chest tightened as he saw Loki kneeling on the ground, his head down. One hand was gripping the sheets of the bed, his knuckles turning white.
Thor was slow to react, he was tired, but not only that. Sure, he had seen Loki pretty banged up before, but Thor couldn’t recall more than a couple times he actually saw Loki collapse.
“What is it? What’s wrong?” He said hurriedly, his hands out in front of him, shaking from nerves. “Loki, are you okay?”
Loki hissed. Thor watched as he attempted to get up on his own, but ultimately failed.
“Loki-”
“It’s my leg.” He snarled through gritted teeth. “Help me up.”
Thor hesitated, but eventually did what was asked of him. He wasn’t sure if Loki was hurting anywhere else, so he was quite anxious when he had to lift his brother back up to his feet. Well, rather to the edge of the bed. Thor stood there a moment, studying Loki’s pain ridden expression. It must be bad, Thor thought. He knew Loki better than his brother would like to admit. Thor knew Loki hated the concept of being weak, in any form for that matter. If he was injured, he would never openly show it.
“What’s wrong?” Thor asked again, “I didn’t see you get hit or anything.” Thor couldn’t visibly see any blood seeping through or anything, but maybe it could be a broken bone or something.
“It’s not that.” Thor hated how his voice sounded. He wasn’t used to it being so low and filled with discomfort.
“Then what? You have to tell me, Loki, so I can help.” Thor urged. “Should I go get Bruce? Or a first aid kit?”
“No, I’m fine.” Loki snapped, causing Thor to immediately roll his eyes.
“Loki,” Thor huffed, “I’m tired and sore. I am not in the mood to deal with your antics. So, please, if something is wrong, tell me.” Thor stood there a moment. Loki refused to make eye contact, instead he stared at the fascinating corner on the other side of the room.
Loki tightened his fist around the stiff sheets before he began to speak.
“I use my seidr to control the pain in my leg, but when I get too tired or exhausted. I can’t use as much of my seidr as I usually do, so all that pain just comes rushing back. It just knocked me off my feet, really I’m fine.” Loki explained in a soft voice. Thor could tell by the color in his cheeks that he was embarrassed. Thor didn’t respond for a few minutes, instead the buzzing of the engines filled the room.
“What’s wrong with your leg? What pain?” Thor knew he must have missed something when he received a very dumbfounded look.
“Are you serious?” Thor didn’t like how there was not a single hint of sarcasm in his little brother's voice, just pure shock. Thor tensed a little. “Thor, when my leg was almost torn off by that bilgesnipe -”
“Oh my- Yeah, I’m- Norns, I’m so sorry, Loki. I- I completely forgot.” Thor shook his head, trying to get a hold of his thoughts. He sighed, “I’m sorry, brother. My head just isn’t working today.”
“It’s alright. You’re exhausted, you should get some rest.”
Thor waited a moment. God, what an idiot! How could he forget the day his little brother was practically torn in half? Thor shivered at the remembrance of the incident. There was so much blood, the sound of Loki’s wailing stayed in the back of Thor’s head for years.
“Maybe you should let all of your magic fall.” Thor suggested, earning yet another confused, but yet surprised glance from Loki.
“What?”
“Well, I mean,” Thor started, finally getting to the task of taking off his boots, “You mentioned a little bit ago that using your seidr constantly drains you mentally and physically. And obviously, you’ve been through a lot these past couple of weeks. Maybe you need a few days of rest where you don’t use any seidr at all.” Thor tried to explain in an intelligent manner, “Mother always said it was good to have a few restart days.” He added. His chest started to tighten again when Loki seemed to be pondering it all over.
“No, I can’t.” Loki finally said.
“Why not?”
“Because,” Loki whined, “What if you need me? What if something happens? I’ll be of no use, and once my glamour's are down they take forever to get back up.” Thor knew they were just half-assed excuses, but he was a little more determined than his brother was.
“Loki, we’re in the middle of nowhere. And, I have Valkyire, Heimdall, and Korg if I need any help.” Thor sat his boots under the bed, out of the way. He placed his hand on Loki’s shoulder, realizing he could feel his brother’s collar bone through his shirt. “You need rest, just as much as I do. If not more.”
Loki chewed on his lip, his arms were wrapped around his middle. Thor stood, relieving Loki of the heavyweight of his hand. Thor walked over to the dresser, taking off his armor one piece at a time.
“I don’t know why you even keep those things up anyway-”
“You sure as hell do know why.” Thor wasn’t expecting to growl, but he couldn’t say he wasn’t used to it.
“Okay…” Thor was forced to agree. “But it’s not like anyone’s around, Loki. It’s just us.” Thor could tell he had won by the look in Loki’s eyes, and by the subtle way his shoulders dropped in defeat.
“Fine.” Loki huffed, his fingers fiddling with the cloth of his shirt. “But will you- Just look away, alright?”
“Loki-” Thor began to argue, but gave up when he got a stern glare from his brother. Thor rolled his eyes as he shuffled his feet around. “You are ridiculous.” Thor said under his breath. Thor could see the reflection of green shimmer in the glass of the window, and the shudder of Loki’s breath made the hairs on the back of his neck stand straight. Thor slowly turned back around, giving Loki plenty of time to yell at him if need be.
Thor understood how hard this was for his brother, and he really appreciated Loki doing this. Thor was really proud of him.
“See?” Thor said, trying to cheer him up, “That wasn’t hard at all.” Thor gave him a warm smile, but Loki didn’t return anything. He just quickly glanced away, his arms still hugging his middle strongly. Thor pressed his lips into a thin line, before finally removing his undershirt and pants, only his shorts remaining. He noticed how Loki looked over at him, Thor felt his stomach churn at the way Loki’s fingers dug deeper into his own sides.
“Do you want to change out of your clothes? I bet you’ll feel better. I can help you-”
“Yeah, sure, whatever.” Loki finally unwrapped his arms, Thor was hesitant, only reaching when Loki directed him to. He helped him get his shirt off. Thor told himself he wouldn’t stare, or at least not let Loki catch him, but it was harder than he thought it would be. He hadn’t seen Loki, (well, what he really looked like) since around the time of the incident. From the time he learned he could hide behind masks of magic, he had done so.
Thor had forgotten just how bad the whole mess was. Loki was lucky enough to survive, but there were…consequnces. The beast had really gotten ahold of him, biting into him, digging with his claws. Thor knew Loki didn’t think of himself as lucky, per say. He had a really hard time in his youth, Thor knew that. Hell, he was still overly insecure. And Thor hated it, because how in the hell was he ever supposed to help?
“Will you stop that?” Thor blinked, noticing Loki’s pinched eyebrows.
“What was I-”
“You’re staring at me like I’m some freak.” Loki snarled, making Thor bite his tongue.
“No, I- I’m sorry. I didn’t-” Thor shook his head, forcing himself to start over. “I’m sorry, Loki. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. I just- I zoned out. I was thinking about other things.” Thor titled his head a little, staring at the ground for a moment. Loki uncrossed his arms.
“It’s okay.” Thor glanced back up, “I shouldn’t expect people not to stare. I understand.” The light from the engines finally made its way to illuminate the side of Loki’s mangled face. His right eye was grey and glossed over, long thick claw marks cut through the side of his face. Along with most of his body. His chest and back were lathered with gut-wrenching scars. The one that really made Thor queasy was the long skinny scar that almost made its way completely around his waist. Thor was honestly still in shock that the healers managed to put him all back together again, he was practically ripped in half when they found him.
Thor cleared his throat, “Do you- Are you going to sleep in those?” He pointed to Loki’s pants. They were dirty and had a couple holes in them, they were even charred from the flames. Loki shook his head, and he made an effort to stand, but didn’t quite succeed.
“It’s alright, I’ll get them.” Loki sat on the edge of the bed, while Thor managed to remove his uncomfortable leather pants. However, Loki didn’t miss the way Thor froze when he got the band of the jeans to Loki’s knees, revealing the massive piece of flesh removed from Loki’s thigh.
Thor stared at the bite mark for a long time. His movements ceased. All he could picture were the memories associated with that day. He remembered it all so clearly, though it was so long ago. The image of Loki’s limp and bloody body still burned into his eyes. The gurgling sound he made when he was choking on his own blood. It had all stayed with Thor all too vividly.
Thor clenched his eyes shut, his grip tightening on Loki’s knee unintentionally. Thor knew he really had no reason to get all worked up over this. It was Loki who deserved the right to be upset. Thor sucked in another breath as a hand laid on top of his own. His eyes shot open to see the pool of sickening grey.
“I never blamed you.” Loki confessed softly.
“Why? You should have. It was my fault-”
“No, it wasn’t.”
“Yes it was!” Thor stood, “I was the one who left you alone. I was the one who was supposed to be watching. It was me, Loki. It was my fault-”
“You were a kid-”
“So were you!” Thor shivered with regret. He forced himself to look away. The sight of Loki only made things so much worse. “It doesn’t excuse my actions, Loki.” He stared into the void of space. “You suffered so much because of me. You still are, everyday. And there’s nothing I can do to fix it.”
There it was again, that irritable buzzing that filled the silence of the room.
Thor pinched his forehead, knowing he would regret hearing the answer to the question he was about to ask.
“How bad is it?” Thor swallowed, looking over his shoulder to see his brother confused brows pinched together. “How bad is the pain?” He rephrased.
“It’s not too bad, anymore. It just hits every so often, like today. After a lot of running or fighting. It mostly aches. My shoulder tenses up sometimes, my eye gives me migraines.” Thor held his breath, the twist in his gut getting worse.
“What's the worst part?” Thor said lowly.
“Thor-”
“I need to know.” He didn’t mean to snap like he did, but the grief had been weighing on his shoulders for centuries. It was a few minutes before Loki ever responded.
“You.”
Thor wasn’t quite sure he heard it correctly. Loki’s voice was just above a whisper. Thor turned around on his heels, not expecting tears to be building over the rim of his brother’s eyes.
“Loki-” Thor said desperately. His hand outstretched, but Loki swatted it away.
“You- You were the worst part for a really long time, Thor.” Loki sniffled, his nose runny and red. His voice cracking underneath the burden of sadness.
“What are you talking about? What did I-”
“You were always so perfect! I only went with you that day because I wanted to be like you. You were going on some cool hunting trip and I wanted to- I wanted that! Even after,” Loki choked, sucking in a gasp, “Everyone wanted to be your friend, everyone loved you. Hell, you could have any girl you glanced at.” Loki offered a rueful chuckle that made Thor wince. “I was always going to be your annoying little brother, no matter what happened. But then…But then I became your disfigured little brother- The boy who was lucky to survive- I was nothing but a pity case for people to point fingers at.”
“Loki that’s not-”
“You are my only friend, Thor.” Thor froze, his face fallen in despair. “You are the only one who has ever cared about me. I know you have tons of friends, tons of people you can rely on. I don’t have that.” Loki rubbed his nose, “I’ve never even been in a relationship before.” A dry laugh escaped his chapped lips.
Loki fidgeted with his calloused fingers for a moment before continuing, “I was angry with you for a really long time. You had everything I wanted.” Loki shrugged, “What the hell did I have?” He asked quietly.
“Loki, I’m- I know I can’t do anything to take your pain away, or to change the past. But I…” Thor sighed, his shoulders falling. He shuffled a couple steps, plopping down on the edge of the bed. It dipped under the added weight. “I’m sorry, Loki. There’s no other way to say that.” Thor rested his hand on his brother’s shoulder.
“We should get some rest.” Thor glanced over at him, receiving a small nod from Loki. The younger went to shift, but froze when Thor’s grip suddenly tightened.
“You are my best friend too, brother.” Thor confessed. “You always have been.”
Loki tried to fight the smile from growing on his lips, but some of it came through. He didn’t respond to his brother, he only offered another nod.
Thor knew none of their problems were fixed. There would still be issues waiting for their attention in the morning, but all of that could wait.
Now, Thor could no longer ignore the insufferable aches coming from just about every inch of his body. And he was fairly certain that Loki was hurting just as much. So, for now, they would leave things be, but Thor swore to himself that he would make it up to his brother, somehow, someway.