Knowing Me, Knowing You

And the first time ever I kissed your mouth

I felt the earth move in my hand

Like the trembling heart of a captive bird

That was there at my command, my love

That was there at my command, my love

“The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face” By Roberta Flack, 1957

Monday 1st November 1976

Impossibly, since their session, Marlene and Dorcas seemed to be getting along. Not that Marlene didn’t still hate her guts and they still argued at every possible occasion, but something had changed. Their dynamic shifted. 

Avery and James had just been fighting on the floor after comments about Sirius were made between Slytherins. Marlene had made a point about Dorcas’ ‘Slytherin buddies’ causing shit in the lesson. “You always say it’s us but it’s you who start stuff.”

“This is one interaction,” Dorcas pointed a finger referring to Avery standing at the front with bloody-nosed, all too cheery James Potter. Upon noticing them staring and Dorcas pointing, he waved at them.

Marlene gasped, “My god in heaven it is not. It’s always Regulus and his little friends. I swear they’re all wrong in the head.” When Marlene made a point of waving back, her potions partner buried her head in folded arms on the desk, ashamed to be seen beside her. 

“His cronies are thick as hog shit but Regulus isn’t. He doesn’t do a lot of anything but what he does is calculated.” She was such a kiss ass. Dorcas looked off to the boys again. “Not like them who act like cavemen and get themselves into trouble.”

“Thick as pig shit,” Marlene corrected.

Dorcas eyes narrowed, “what?”

Marlene further explained, “It’s thick as pigs shit, why do wizards have to put their own little spin on all the muggle phrases?”

Dorcas sneered like she always did. “I think you’ll find it’s the other way around.” Marlene laughed at that. 

“Why would muggles replace famous wizards and magical creatures, that they don’t even know about, for muggle things?” She was still chuckling as the words came out. Dorcas looked stumped. She had absolutely nothing to say.

“Well- I don’t- oh shut up.”

“Did I just actually catch you out? You’re wrong and I’m right. I’ve never been happier.” This might be the first and only time she got this opportunity so she was going to relish it. Really savour the moment. “Your parents are both wizards right?”

Dorcas hesitated. “Yeah, they are.”

“I assumed 'cause you don’t seem to know that much about muggles. It’s weird being a half-blood, having to go home and pretend you couldn’t kill someone with a magic twig. I thought being a witch would be cool. Sinead made it seem cool. But being raised like a muggle, to then enter the wizarding world was pretty disappointing.”

Dorcas appeared to sigh in some relief but Marlene didn’t address it. “How so?” Dorcas entertained the tangent.

“Well for muggles, our idea of witches is candles and cauldrons and ‘round flying on a broom.”

Dorcas looked at her with pure and utter confusion. “McKinnon we do all that stuff.”

“It’s cooler in stories though. I want to give someone a lifelong curse, you know what I’m on about?” Marlene took a sharp intake of breath in excitement, “And, and, have you not seen bewitched?”

“No, I-“

“Shit, what’s her name? Oh! Samantha! She does that nose-twitch thing. I can’t do that can you?”

“Salazar save me,” Dorcas groaned into her folded arms on the desk. “I, for the most part, can’t decipher through your bullshit to the actual meaning of your sentence. This in particular instance I can’t even comprehend enough of what you just said to insult you.” Dorcas had this unconscious ability to use unnecessarily complicated words in every sentence. Honestly, she could’ve rivalled Sirius’ level of vocabulary.

The lesson went on as Dorcas did the work and Marlene tried to count how many hairs James had in the very shitty beard he was trying to grow. Why did all teenage yobs go through this phase? It was hard because James never sat still and she grew increasingly bored. Eventually, Marlene copied what was written on the board absent-mindedly, writing nothing more and nothing less than the five lines it took up on her parchment. She considered painting her nails with some of Sirius’ black polish in her bag. Her nails were constantly in a state of turmoil, having been bitten off and the polish peeled off. All around the edges, the skin was red and irritated. Dorcas slapped Marlene’s hand, which had been intricately picking at the skin all around the nails on her mirrored hand. “Stop that,” she whispered. Like a mother correcting her child for sucking her thumb. 

“Why is it any of your business?” Marlene spat.

“Because it is,” she retorted.

“No. It isn’t.”

“Because it’s gross and it’s going to get infected,” Dorcas offered, assuming that was reason enough. 

Marlene just looked at her. She wanted to tell her to 'fuck off’ but she didn’t. “I can’t help it.

The lesson ended and they’d said nothing more.

The girls had decided weeks ago they were going to have their first proper get-together since returning, on the first of November. It should have come in September, October at the latest but everyone was so busy nowadays. This was one of Marlene’s favourite affairs because without the lads there were never any arguments - except Remus, Remus was always welcomed wherever he went. Nearly all the girls older were invited. From Gryffindor: Mary, Lily, Marlene and Alice (obviously). Then there were all the Ravenclaw girls but most importantly, Emmy. Pandora had never come even though Lily always invited her. And most Hufflepuffs came too, Amelia Bones, Emma Vanity and their mates. McGonagall always loved it because the teachers pushed for house unity now more than ever. 

It was nothing extravagant but it was fun and somehow excluding the men made it more fun. For three consecutive years, James and Sirius had attempted to brew polyjuice potion and enter dressed as their schoolmates but they hadn’t once prevailed. On this occasion it was being hosted by the Hufflepuffs, their common room was the most accessible without needing to solve a riddle or something else ridiculous. Plus the best thing about Hufflepuffs is that at least one of them always had weed. Marlene liked to think Professor Sprout grew it for them in the greenhouses, Lily disagreed.

By ten o’clock, Mary was propped up on the arm of the sofa, with Marlene lying tucked under her arm and Em tucked under Marlene’s. Like a little train with a very large cloud of smoke puffing out as they passed a joint between them. Nearly everyone was smoking except Lily, she always refused. Even without putting it to her lips, she was probably feeling the effects anyway. Because the Hufflepuff wing was in the dungeon it meant very little ventilation and the room quickly fogged.“Do you know who I miss?” Emma mused, lying starfished on the floor, conked out of her mind.

“Who?” Alice replied on behalf of the entire group.

She smiled, “Bertha fucking Jorkins.”

“Really?” Marlene laughed. Bertha Jorkins never really lapsed in any of her circles but she was a notorious gossip, you could never tell her a secret unless the whole school was to know. 

“She was great, what are you on about?” Alice smiled fondly, “she used to spread the funniest rumours.” 

“Is that supposed to be a good thing?” Lily laughed.

Alice returned, “Probably not but it was amusing.” 

Amelia Bones joined in, “She wasn’t as thick as everyone let on.”

“She had the best gossip.”

“Can’t say much, never spoke to her,” Marlene shrugged. 

“She just knew everything about everyone,” Emma sighed.

“No no. That was skeeter! You couldn’t breathe without her finding out about it,” Emmeline kicked in. Rita was much older but they had been in the same house years ago.

“That was scary though,” Alice confirmed. “All the Slytherins hated her, their whole thing is built on secrets,” she said half-jokingly. Alice was always bitter about Slytherins. Her voice reflected it whenever they were mentioned - no matter how fleeting. “Never, get close to a Slytherin!” She announced as if It was some piece of highly prized advice for them all to treasure. 

“None of us were planning to,” Mary grinned. Marlene and Lily both shot her daggers at the same time, Mary held her hands up in surrender. She had already dated two Slytherin boys and everyone made fun of her for it. Her only redemption is that she’d discarded them like dirty tissues.

“When are you going to get over that Alice?” Amelia, who was closer to Alice than Marlene had once thought, asked.

Alice flashed her eyes at Bones and sneered, “Never.”

“That’s unfortunate cause I invited Meadowes to join us,” Em teased. They all laughed, even Lily. Even Marlene. But she didn’t relish in it as much as normal. Realistically what had Meadowes done to any of them? It would’ve been one thing if Marlene had said it. But she hadn’t. Meadowes wasn’t the worst company she supposed. She was nothing like Avery or Mulciber or Crouch. 

Why had Lily never invited her before? Who exactly was in charge of the guest list? Surely whoever was hosting. 

Why was Pandora invited then? None of them were friends with her either. 

Marlene felt something horribly similar to empathy and had to stop thinking about Meadowes. Everyone had moved in and started talking about aliens or something else anyway. Em who was lying cosily under Marlene’s arm looked up at Marlene and smiled, her face red and streaked from the imprint of Marlene’s gathered shorts. “How are your sessions with the devil herself going?”

“She’s not the devil,” Marlene defended. Probably a mistake.

Emmeline’s eyebrows furrowed. “You say she is all the time,” she argued. Definitely a mistake.

Marlene couldn’t technically disagree with that fact. She chose to just answer the question. “They’re okay.” Marlene held the joint to her lips, inhaling and letting it marinate in her lungs. “Not exactly going to fix me though are they.” Why did she have to say that?

“I think you’re just fine anyway,” Emmy smiled up at her, eyes slightly squinted because of the intensity. She was lovely. She sat up to stretch and Marlene felt an ache from where she previously was. “Godric it’s hot in here,” she heaved herself off the sofa and pulled her shirt away from her skin. “Marls do you want to head off for a walk.”

Lily looked at her watch. “We need to head off, it’s after ten.”

“Lily Evans out after hours,” Marlene gasped and wrapped her palm over her mouth.

“I could honestly swear that we’ve stayed the night here,” Mary yawned.

After not receiving an answer, Em grabbed Marlene around the wrist dragging her up to her full height. “Come on.” Marlene waved goodbye and blew a kiss to Lily who was struggling to get Alice off the floor. She and Emmeline held hands as they walked, fingers interlinked and swinging to and fro. “Are you alright?”

“Course,” Marlene replied, brows furrowed. Why wouldn’t she be? It was a nice mild night, the castle was beautifully empty. Except for the pair: Marlene and one of her closest friends. They were high on cheap weed and the entire evening was spent with her friends, they were girls. Together. All the girls except Meadowes. Why wouldn’t she be alright? “I’m just tired.” Marlene put her arm around Emmline and held her in half a hug. When they reached the stairs before Gryffindor Tower Marlene released Em. “Are you sleeping over?” She asked shifting focus off herself.

Em shook her head softly. “No love you need to get a proper night's sleep. I’ll see you tomorrow.” She kissed her on the cheek and walked in the opposite direction, towards her own tower.

“Night!” Marlene called after her. It was a lonely walk back to the room. Somehow Lily had beat her back and had both Alice and Mary in bed. Alice was absolutely wrecked by the time they left and Lily, who was the closest to her, ended up with Alice, in her bed. It was better after all that Emmeline hadn’t stayed.

November 4th 1976

“Let’s play the ammortenia game!” Sirius shouted skipping down the stairs to where the group sat by the fire.

“Fuck off Sirius!”

“Not again.”

“Let’s not.”

“Go on then,” James allowed. Everyone, one by one agreed with James. Marlene HATED the ammortenia game. You take turns smelling the ammortenia and then spinning the vial, if the corked end lands on the person you smelled you have to kiss them. With sexually frustrated teenagers who didn’t really know what they wanted, most of the time they’d kiss either way. Marlene hated the game at big parties because there would always be somebody strange trying to kiss her. The remedy to this was alcohol of course. She didn’t mind so much as she could at least pretend he didn’t remember it the next day. Lily, despite not supporting the game and refusing to kiss Potter every single time, also drank in preparation.

Fairly early on a shy-looking fifth-year lad called Mick (or Mike? Mark maybe), kissed her. Only a peck, it was endearing. She’d never interacted with this boy before or would again. Quickly, they’d been joined by most fifth and seventh years of their own house. It was a common Gryffindor game but no other house seemed to catch on. With now over twenty people squashed into a circle, despite all the furniture being pushed back, she was sandwiched between Mary and Sirius. They’d kissed not once but twice over the top of her. It was completely and utterly foul. Marlene dug Sirius in the ribs with her elbow before excusing herself from the game. She left the common room and headed for a trip to the toilets. 

But obviously, nothing in life was ever that simple, so standing before her was Meadowes. She wore her green quidditch jumper and leaned against the stone wall, totally ignoring Marlene’s arrival. “Wha’ are y’ doin’?” Marlene asked. She asked purely so Meadowes would look at her.

“Making sure people like yourself aren’t wandering the castle at an hour like this,” she stated.

“Can I join?” She requested on a whim. Marlene wasn’t sure why she did a lot of things and this was no different. From her pocket, she pulled out a menthol. She wasn’t usually one for them but shed stolen it from Sirius who’d stolen it from Ronnie. She lit it with unsteady hands.

Dorcas looked at the cigarette, entirely disgusted. “Oh, you are fucking crazy. I mean you’ve always been a bit off but-“

“Thanks,” Marlene beamed.

“No I’m not joking you need to be locked up,” she sneered.

“You’d miss me too much.”

Meadowes scowled at her retort. “I’d throw away the pissing key.”

“It’s good,” Marlene insisted. She held the menthol out just in case Meadowes decided she wanted to try it. Dorcas shook her head.

“No no Marlene it is lunacy.”

“Everything tastes better when it’s free,” she shrugged.

“Who imparted that wonderful wisdom on you?”

“Em,” Marlene smiled. She noticed Meadowes' look of confusion. “Emmeline? Vance?”

“No, I know her. I just didn’t know you were that close.”

“We weren’ until…well… I don’t know. Recently anyway. She’s been my friend. Been there for me, you know.” Dorcas laughed, short and hard. 

“Only cause she fancies you. You have real friends McKinnon not just people who want something from you.”

“What are y’ on about?”

“I thought I was clear. But based on the look of utter puzzle, I can only assume you didn’t know she liked you or you were thinking about the wizard measurement system.”

Marlene's brain was fuzzy and she didn’t feel like fighting with Meadowes so she let the little quip about her conversion skills go. “Come off it. Em doesn’t want nothing with me. She’s a girl.” Marlene couldn’t understand what Dorcas was on about. She knew that there were supposedly some women who liked other women, but if anything it would be a passing thing. Marlene knew there were gay men. Freddie Mercury and the like. But she couldn’t image how two women could even have sex. What would be the point? All her life, Marlene’s relationships had been only sex. Sirius was the only boy to ever take her on dates, and that was after they’d broken up.

Meadowes looked at her with a frowning expression. Shit, what had they been talking about. All her thoughts were racing. Marlene tipped her head back and smacked it against the stone wall. It hurt like hell but she didn’t want to move. “Why are you drunk?” Meadowes asked.

Marlene smiled at that. “I’m no’.”

“McKinnon I can smell the booze.” Shit. Sometimes she forgot Meadowes was a prefect.

“Are you going to report me?” It wasn’t that she was bothered about the detentions or any telling off for that matter. She just didn’t want anything to be confiscated.

“No?” She scoffed. “What do you take me for?” A snitch Marlene had once thought, but now things were different. Dorcas was so far from what she’d expected.

“Then yes I’ve had a few,” she admitted sitting beside where Dorcas stood.

“It’s Thursday.”

“Yes, but Sirius is making us play with ammortenia.” 

Dorcas caught on quickly and gave a suggestion of a smile. “Kiss any cute boys?” She asked with sarcastic interest.

“Fuck you.” It came out much louder and more aggressive than she wanted it to. Meadowes looked taken aback and leaned away from her. Marlene was like a time bomb not to get too close to. You could never know when it would go off.

“Calm down it was a joke why’re you getting angry?“

“Cause you piss me off!” The anger was steaming off her now. She couldn’t really stop it. Meadowes was an all too frequent catalyst for bringing her emotions to the surface, no matter how inappropriate. It wasn’t fair to her. She looked so utterly confused.

“Same but I’m not screaming at you am I?” Marlene said nothing. She breathed deeply and allowed the anger to simmer away. After all, she was the one intruding on Meadowes. Dorcas leaned forwards. “What’s up with you?” She asked. Not rudely or accusatorially or in any other tone that made her sound like she was anything but sincerely concerned. Something in her wanted to touch Meadowes, her hand or calf. Marlene would never for the sake of her dignity.

She had very little dignity left. “I’m so regretting telling you this. But I don’t like being kissed.” It’s not that she didn’t reciprocate, because she did. Of course, she did. But she’d never kissed anyone and felt something other than their lips (and hands more often than not) on her. Kissing wasn’t what the songs of the poets said it would be. There was little in kissing. Nothing in sex. It was all so incredibly empty.

“I’ve seen you kiss people!”

“You’ve seen them kiss me. Not the other way around. Except for Remus. Remus is too attractive not to be kissed. I don’t like him that way or anything though.” She was rambling, she could feel it in the way Dorcas was looking at her. She forgot Meadowes wouldn't understand the jokes with Remus just because she was also friends with him. She wanted to explain that Remus was a good kisser, both Mary and Lily could attest to that. But it was never more than platonic.

Dorcas looked like she wanted to laugh at her. “McKinnon! Are you a virgin?”

“Don’t be stupid.” There was a few moments of silence. “Are you?”

“I’m still waiting for you to answer the question.”

She laughed, “No Meadowes. I just- I’m- never mind, your turn.”

“No.”

“Just no? Nothing else? No, you’re not a virgin or no you’re not telling me?” Her words were spilling out all slurred.

“No, I’m not a virgin.”

“No details?”

“Why on earth would you want details,” Meadowes grimaced. “I don’t want to know anything about your sexual encounters.”

“Why did you ask then?” Meadowes said nothing. “It’s not weird you know. Do you not talk about this stuff with Pandora? I talk about it with Mary all the time. She hasn’t had sex. But she likes to hear about what I’m up to.”

“Macdonald? A virgin?” Dorcas practically choked.

Marlene became immediately defensive of her best friend. “What’s that supposed to mean?” She snarled at Meadowes.

“Nothing. I just don’t think she’s been single since her third year. She’s always got someone on her arm.”

“She gets bored easily. Doesn’t mean she shags them.”

“I can see the logic there.” Marlene couldn’t tell whether Dorcas was being sarcastic or not but she didn’t want to ask in case she sounded stupid. They went silent again, unsure how to continue.

“Why don’t you like Em?” Wow. That was a much worse thing to say. She felt incredibly stupid. Marlene looked down at her nails. Biting them on the edges to shut herself up.

“What makes you say that?”

“Because you don’t.”

Meadowes shrugged, “she aggravates me.” Marlene laughed, in part because she was plastered but mostly because Dorcas’ bluntness was so funny. Marlene laughed in pure joy, rolling around with a red face. “What in Godric’s name is so funny?” She asked smiling. She must be drunk too. Meadowes never smiles.

“You!” Marlene gasped in between fits. 

“What about me?” Interrogated Dorcas, suddenly self-conscious.

“You just make me laugh.”

Dorcas pushed her on the shoulder. Marlene toppled over and lay on her side, giggling even more. “I’m not trying to.”

“But you are.”

November 5th 1976 

Dorcas

Sirius’ 17th birthday fell on a Wednesday, so they waited until the 5th to properly celebrate; plus it was bonfire night, which meant fireworks, not that Sirius would even understand bonfire night. Remus told her when he mentioned it, he said “So you burn things, to celebrate a guy trying to blow up the muggle government.” The boys landed on setting off 17 fireworks in order to celebrate both occasions. Lily was absolutely not on board but promised she wouldn’t tell anyway. The party was going to be ‘even better than last Halloween’, Dorcas was assured - not that she was in attendance. Because technically, Sirius’ birthday was coinciding with another event, it became an open invite for the 6th and 7th years. And everybody seemed to love a Gryffindor party, so the whole common room was packed with drunk teenagers. Remus said she should come and bring Pandora, and after some initial resistance, she agreed, at least she had two people to talk to.

Sirius wasn’t the quiet reserved self that he’d shrivelled into since returning for their sixth year, he appeared to have returned to his original self. Sirius was charming in a deadly way. His eyes were not as sallow and gaunt as his younger counterpart. But they had the same unsettling grace about them. They could both be strangely intense, making you want to hold your breath just because they were in the room. Even since Sirius’ disgrace that didn’t change the overall air about him. Dorcas had tried to ask Regulus what happened over the summer but he didn’t bite. 

There was always a rumour about the Blacks. Some thought they were cursed but others interpreted it as a gift. Regulus thought it neither. To him, it was just his life. As the heir, he would be expected to lead the house. Raise the next heir. Pass on the traditional generational abuse and gaslighting. Bellatrix was off with her death eater boyfriend, Lestrange. Andromeda ran away. Narcissa had been betrothed to Malfoy a few years back but the wedding was coming up. Regulus and Sirius were… Regulus and Sirius - there was little more to say.

Drunk, again, McKinnon was already stumbling by the time Dorcas arrived. She took a place on a window ledge to observe all the people. There were at least sixty in there. Dorcas crossed the room to obtain drinks for her and her friend. The familiar blonde girl spotted her and was navigating through the room before being intercepted. “Marlene McKinnon!” Sirius shouted, running up to her. He lifted her off the floor and began swaying her about. “Merlin McKinnon you’re a fucking giant?” Dorcas’ eyes set on them as she listened in.

“Thanks, Sirius” McKinnon rolled her eyes. “Y' really know how to get the girls.”

“I so do.” He began fluttering his eyelashes at her but it looked more like he was blinking in morse code. “It’s okay if you’re jealous marls, you can tell me. I’ll leave them all for you.” He laughed. He was taking the piss obviously, but Dorcas could kind of see why the other girls swooned over him. Heir to a massive fortune, pretty boy, well educated and a massive flirt.

“Fuck you’re drunk”

“Too right I am! The question is why aren’t you more drunk.”

 She suggested, “Shots?” McKinnon poured shots for Mary, Sirius and herself. She knocked them back with ease while Mary spluttered.

“Why’s nobody else got rum?” She choked.

McKinnon shook her head at the smaller girl. “Really trying to live the stereotype, Mary.”

“Obviously!” Mary giggled. “I spy with my little eye some fit seventh-year Hufflepuff lad I’ve never spoken to.” And then Mary was gone. Dorcas returned to Pandora having forgotten the drinks.

Marlene appeared on a table in this black mesh top with black stars dotted around it and only a bra underneath. She’d never seen Marlene in such little clothing. Once Dorcas had seen Sirius wear the same one, at a Ravenclaw party last year. Although, admittedly, he didn’t look nearly as good in it. Nobody could. To McKinnon's credit, she was entirely captivating; beautifully toned and sculpted with subtle abs. Her torso was a pure white, somehow impossibly paler than her extremities. Their eyes met as McKinnon's eyes shifted around the crowd below her.

She was shouting something to the messy-haired boy below her. “James if I jump and you don’t catch me I swear down I’ll-“

“I’m ready this time!” He shouted. Apparently, this wasn’t their first try at whatever idiotic thing they were attempting. “Okay do a count down.” And Remus, who was standing behind Potter, looked as if he didn’t fancy the task. Evans, Pettigrew, Macdonald, Black, Fortescue and Vance we’re all there too. McKinnon had been hanging around with Vance an awful lot recently. Out of nowhere, McKinnon spun around stumbling slightly in her drunken stupor then leapt backwards into the group below. Dorcas felt a flicker of fear before Potter grabbed her. They got a whole half of the room involved in the crowd surf before Remus insisted she was put down before she threw up. She did, soon after, with Macdonald cackling and following her into the bathroom she sprinted to. 

“I told you. It would make her dizzy,” Remus complained. 

Potter stated, “She gets dizzy riding a broom these days.”

“She gets dizzy standing up,” added Pettigrew.

Pandora had taken the bottle Macdonald had purposefully left hidden behind a plant. The pale girl brought it to the corner where Dorcas was chatting with Alice Fortescue. She’d known Alice since she started hanging out with some of the fifth-year Slytherins - who’d since left. At the time, Alice was in 4th year. Dorcas had never seen her with anybody, particularly relevant until one random day she saw her exit the dorm of the youngest black sister. Narcissa. After that Dorcas started to pay attention and they saw each other quite frequently. They were close until September of Narcissas’s seventh year when they randomly severed all ties. Dorcas had half a mind to ask Alice outright but the sane side of her reminded of the fact that Alice didn’t know she’d been observing the pair in the first instance. So she kept quiet. Kept watching. Within a month Alice dropped the Slytherins altogether and spent every second with Frank Longbottom.

The originally sceptical girl found herself enjoying the party. Gryffindor parties were disgusting; several people were vomiting and the room was far too loud. But they were fun. McKinnon had been cleaned up, Dorcas assumed with magic as her makeup had been restored. She took another few shots and found herself tripping through the room towards Dorcas. She was swaying as they talked and clutched onto any nearby surface to stabilise herself - unfortunately, this included Dorcas. Marlene’s skin was hot, burning even. Not surprising considering the insane amassed body heat in that room, combined with the liquor, even Dorcas felt warm. 

The taller girl leaned against the wall just chatting. Her mouth ran faster than her minuscule thoughts possibly could. She pulled out a lighter from her bra and made miserable attempts to spark it with her poorly functioning fingers. Dorcas laughed at her and made no attempt to help her. She just liked to watch. On the third try, the fumbling girl dropped the little disposable lighter. Before Dorcas could offer to retrieve it, Marlene squatted down to pick it up, she nearly fell back but instead wrapped her hand around Dorcas’ thigh. 

Not here. Not now. Dorcas had been watching her for a while but any actual engagement with McKinnon when they weren’t hexing each other was bound to end in disaster.“Marlene will you fucking sit down you’re making me nervous.”

“Aww I make you nervous, that’s cute,” Marlene grinned, as she rose back up to her normal tall stature. There was a momentary shocked expression - which from Dorcas was a very slight widening of the eyes. She wasn’t really one to overreact. If Dorcas got hit by a car she’d probably just roll her eyes and get up. This was more stunning than that. Marlene lifted her cup to her lips, trying not to laugh.

“You know that’s not what I meant.”

Marlene swallowed the last of her drink before placing the now empty cup in its original space. She smiled, “I do. But I like making you nervous.” Dorcas felt all too flustered. What did that even mean? It didn’t matter what it meant. She retreated to Pandora. A safe haven.

Black as the birthday boy insisted queuing up the song selection but Macdonald managed to slip a few ABBA songs in here and there. Every time Remus noticed, he would rush over and take the vinyl off. It wasn’t particularly her 'thing' either, Dorcas mostly just liked 50s stuff: Elvis, Roy Orbison and the like. Nobody (except Remus of course) could hate ABBA though. She drank beer and smoked a joint with Remus and Pandora by the window. When Remus was smoking weed with them everything became funny, he had a dry humour that Dorcas enjoyed. Dorcas liked smoking but she loved it with Dora, she was utterly mesmerising; by the way, the smoke poured out of her mouth or the billowing circles she tried to teach Dorcas. She could never quite get it. 

Dorcas could feel McKinnon’s eyes on her the whole time, so Dorcas stared back. Locking eyes as Marlene threw back shots of some clear liquid and Dorcas puffed on her joint. Soon Remus was left alone with the weed when Pandora forced Dorcas to dance. She wasn’t actually dancing, Pandora just danced around her and occasionally Dorcas would spin her or hold her hand. She continued looking at McKinnon, refusing to be the one to break eye contact. Dorcas never lost. Not to anyone and especially not to McKinnon. After another drink, Dorcas went back to the window, settling herself on the ledge with Remus. When Dorcas looked back at the spot where McKinnon had been standing just a minute, she was gone. Game over then? 

“I need the toilet,” she almost shouted in his ear.

“Mary’s in the downstairs one with a Hufflepuff. Go up to the girl's room.” Remus pointed to the stairs. 

Another boy Mary would get bored of, according to McKinnon. “Hufflepuff? Really?” She laughed. Remus smiled at her as she got up.

Dorcas headed the way she was told. “In a bit,” he nodded. 

She got about halfway up, to see McKinnon sitting head tilted back with a bottle in her mouth. Her black leather skirt left little to the imagination. “Drowning your sorrow?” Dorcas asked, in hopes of a glare or snotty remark. She loved to rile her up. She wanted Marlene ranting and raving getting herself all worked up. Their rivalry created a comfortable distance. A boundary never to be crossed.

“Wadin’,” McKinnon mumbled back, between the accent and the alcohol it was almost impossible to decipher.

“What?” Dorcas smirked.

“I’m wadin’ in my sorrow, quite comfortably, but tar for askin’. So no. No’ drownin’.” Dorcas felt strange, almost like sympathetic. Only McKinnon could be so pathetic that it would make Dorcas feel bad. She sat down on the next step up from the blonde girl and leaned against the inner wall of the spiral staircase. Dorcas wished she had a blunt in her hand, something to hold and make her look occupied. Dorcas didn’t know what to say so they sat quietly. It felt like ages but it was probably only a few seconds. “Drink?” McKinnon held out her bottle of Witches Brew for Dorcas.

Dorcas waved a hand. “No, I never drink other people’s drinks, it’s like kissing them,” she grimaced.

McKinnon kissed her. And Dorcas let her. It was drunk and messy but reposed with serious intent. Dorcas drew back to see a horrified girl staring back at her eyes wide and mouth agape. The image of embarrassment. Irrationally, Dorcas grabbed the tall girl by the front of her mesh shirt, scrunching it in her hand. She pulled her close by the chest. Dorcas kissed her slower and deeper to feel it properly. Her warm lips on Dorcas’ . Meanwhile, the other girl who’d told her just days ago she didn’t like kissing, wanted to go faster. She seemed to be desperately holding onto Dorcas as if there was nothing else keeping her on the ground. Livening up the pace. Dorcas felt a hand go up her skirt on her outer thigh, digging her fingers in, gripping her tightly. Dorcas shuffled onto Marlene’s lap and wrapped her hands around the back of her neck. She was enjoying this. She liked it too much. Shit. Dorcas Meadowes was snogging Marlene McKinnon while the entire year stood not 5 meters away. But Marlene. Marlene tasted so good and she bit Dorcas’ bottom lip. And she smelled so nice. And oh fuck- She jumped up, “You’re drunk.” She wiped her mouth, dragging her lips across the back of her hand. Anything to get the taste off.

“You’re high,” Marlene responded with a shrug. She was so unbothered, that momentary embarrassment had long fleeted. So drunk and so free.

“I’m sorry. I- I can’t ” Dorcas ran, snatching Pandora with her. Safe haven.

Marlene

Marlene awoke very hazy about the details but she was so sure of that moment, of that fucking moment on the stairs. Not to mention James and Lily having a synchronised gap in her whereabouts. She passed out about ten minutes after Dorcas’ exit. 

It was time to get up. For all of them. Mary got so pissy when she didn’t eat with a hangover. “Mary!” She shouted across the room. Marlene received a biscuit to the head from Mary. “Ow bitch.”

“Go awayyy,” Mary moaned, upset.

“Get up!” She pounced on the pretty girl, straddling her. “Come on y’ ‘ave to get up. Y’ always feel like shit when you don’t eat in the mornin’.” Mary groaned and tried to roll over. “Nonono, if Lily’s not here to parent you, then I’ll have to.”

Mary lay with her eyes just barely flickering. “Where’s the redhead?”

“Hogsmeade, it’s her and James’ turn to escort the third years.” Marlene rolled off and lay beside her.

“Come on, up, shower. Now.” Mary tumbled out of bed quite literally and landed herself on the floor. She used the edge of the bed to pull herself up and began shuffling to the bathroom, head hanging with throbbing pain. “There’s a good girl.” Marlene cheered sarcastically. Mary threw up her middle finger too hungover to say anything. Marlene rarely got hangovers but even when she did they were quite mild, just a headache or a little nausea. Mary, on the other hand, was left written off until at least noon, about 4 pm, if she didn’t get breakfast.

Marlene wasn’t hungry right now, she felt like clearing her head. James always went running to clear his head. Marlene hated running but at this moment she would do anything to stop thinking about Dorcas Meadowes’ skin on hers. It was both hot and cold, fire and ice, gentle and electric. She threw on a pair of holely joggers and Mary’s pride of Portree quidditch jumper - which was Sirius’ really. He’d given it to her when they dated in their fourth year. Mostly because she liked how purple looked on her, but also because Sirius became a Wasp’s fan since they signed Ludovich Bagman.

Outside, the air was cold and fresh. The sky was a clear blue but the wind whipped the trees around a little. Conditions were a touch too cold for her liking, but she left the castle anyway and headed out towards Ogg, the gamekeeper’s, cabin. She started strong, running at full pelt, but she got tired quickly and began to jog. She made it fairly close to the hut before keeling over for a breather. She stretched and took a moment to plan the rest of the route when she saw her. Dorcas. Flying around the quidditch pitch. Her braids were hanging down by her waist, unlike when she tied them up for matches. Marlene wasn’t really clear on what she was doing but something inside her sent her running again. Full speed to the pitch.

She went inside and looked up near the goals while trying not to stare directly into the sun. The girl had disappeared. Marlene went straight to the changing room to check for her. She quietly opened the door and snuck in. She could hear the shower running, and Marlene rounded the corner where she saw steam start filling the room. She couldn’t see Dorcas, but she knew it was her. The fear and tension alone were confirmation enough. Dorcas hummed a song in the shower. It wasn’t something Marlene knew but she liked it. Dorcas had a good pitch. Marlene saw a bottle of something fly into the stall, then saw Dorcas lift two sudsy hands to her head. Then she rinsed everything while Marlene waited in the corner.

“First you kiss me and now you’re stalking me in the shower.” Shit. Caught.

“I wasn’- erm. How did you know I was here? Sorry. I just-.” Marlene frowned and exhaled slowly. ”I want to apologise for last night.” Marlene sat down on the bench next to Dorcas’ things. She put a hand on the pile of clothes and rubbed the other girl’s black jumper in between her fingers. It was lovely, soft. “I was upset and a bit drunk and-.” The water stopped, and out stepped Dorcas. Towel wrapped around her. What the hell was she playing at? Marlene turned around, unsure of the proper etiquette in this situation. With no other girls in the Gryffindor team, she’d never had to share a locker room. Was this normal? Should it feel normal? Because it mostly definitely didn’t. Marlene felt hot and uncomfortable and her stomach was doing this thing where it kept jumping inside out. Out of disgust, obviously.

Dorcas started getting changed behind her. “I’m surprised you have the decency, that’s rare for you. I definitely thought you'd want to get a look in.”

Marlene ignored all of this and pressed on with her apology, growing more annoyed at these games. She sat wringing her hands. “Look, I never meant to-.” She felt her hair lifted off her neck and a kiss being planted on her shoulder.

“You did mean to.” At this, Marlene scrambled up and grabbed Dorcas by the arm.

“You don’t know anything about me,” Marlene gritted. Dorcas released Marlene’s hold and pushed her hard, sending her into the lockers crashing. Dorcas quickly followed up pressing herself into Marlene. Completely flustered, Marlene didn’t fight back. Meadowes had a dark expression and Marlene was well aquatinted with her power. She didn’t have her wand, it was on the bench, even with it Meadowes could easily disarm her. There was nothing she could do. Meadowes let go after a final shove. Dorcas no longer looked pissed off, her eyes looked hurt. “I’m sorry Dorcas.”

“It's Meadowes and fuck you!” She huffed, storming out.

Monday 8th November 1976

Dorcas

Potions was horribly quiet without Marlene’s constant talking. There was no quill being periodically jabbed into her arm and her shin wasn’t being scraped by Marlene’s swinging leg. McKinnon sat eerily still without a word for nearly the entire hour. At 9 o’clock the ice was broken. “It’s just, I’m not a lesbian,” Marlene blurted. She breathed in like she’d been holding it in since Saturday. 

Dorcas turned her head fully, glaring. “Who the fuck said you were?”

“I’m just making sure you know.”

“Why do I need to know?” Dorcas asked. Marlene clearly regretted things so what was the point in talking about it?

Marlene spluttered, “Cause you kissed me”

“You did it first.” She sounded so juvenile. McKinnon brought out the worst in her.

“Oh, you’re so fucking annoying. Why do exist just to piss me off?”

Dorcas laughed at that. More of a snort because she tried to hold it in. McKinnon looked like she'd just been slapped. That’s it. Push her further. She needed to make her hate her. Make her bitter and resentful. “No, you’re just feeling guilty, anyway whatever happened to the little catholic girl we all knew and loved? Well ‘we all’ is too general, your friends seemed to.” 

Tuesday 9th November 1976

Marlene

Do you have a lip balm?” Dorcas asked. She continued looking straight ahead at Slughorn, seemingly uninterested in the conversation she’d just struck up. Marlene did not like the way their recent interactions were mapping out. She’d never been particularly in control but she was so spun out. Nothing was up or down anymore. She didn’t hate Meadowes but she didn’t like her either. Did she? Did Meadowes like her? “McKinnon. Did you hear me?”

“Ye- yes. Think so,” Marlene replied hurriedly as she started reaching beneath the stool for her bag. Marlene never wore her robes - much to the distaste of all her professors, which meant that everything was kept in her bag. Except for her wand of course, which she half tucked into her skirt. 

After a few moments of her desperate searching, Dorcas made a half-laughing scoff, “What in Merlin’s name is in that bag?”

“My things.” To be fair it was mostly shit.

“It looks like balled-up parchment, spilled ink, and sweet wrappers. Christ McKinnon, why wouldn’t you just put it in the bin?” She asked, genuinely.

Marlene could never answer that question. First of all, because she didn’t know. But more importantly, no answer would spare her any dignity with Meadowes. She ruthlessly gutted people like James and Sirius, who nearly everyone else loved and praised. “Found it,” Marlene exclaimed, elated to be able to avoid the previous question. Marlene pulled out a small plastic tube containing lip balm and dropped it into Dorcas’ nearest hand making sure they made no contact.

Dorcas raised a brow slightly. “Thanks,” she muttered before applying the substance to her lips. She rubbed them together and placed them down on their work surface. Not even taking the risk of touching Marlene.

‘Fair enough’ Marlene thought.