In the end he searched together some supplies while feeling the fresh breeze silently working it's way through the window, keeping the door closed to avoid any of the cold air travelling further inside and into their bedroom
Theirs.
After almost feeling lifeless, hopeless, as if he didn't own himself any longer he thought he couldn't ever love again. The hole inside has already grown too fast and has already reached depths the metal-armed man didn't know existed. As far as he knew it was way too hard to love another person if he didn't love himself first and Bucky was far from that point, not even really past accepting himself the way he should, just like his boyfriend showed him. Still, any selfcaring gesture felt faked and wrong, every kind word felt out of place and every moment of peace too lazy.
This was certainly not one of those moments.
Should he go for the heating pad? Carefully holding the somewhat sticky and wet pad in his hands, his thoughts raced back to the pale face he was greeted with in the morning, the milky and smooth skin almost white like chalk, those eyes so dull and glassy almost looking feverish, limbs so weak and all over the bed in pain. A picture Bucky never wanted to be reminded of ever again but as he made his way to the bedroom, steady and mindful steps down the hall his eyes showed him a curled up boy or better said his curved backbone and messy hair showing in all different directions known to him. Back in his days it would have probably been a matter of time until they ran out of self-treatments, it would have been a matter of time until they couldn't pay for a doctor and therefore his condition would worsen and-...The man sat down making the mattress dip under his weight, carefully prepared the sticky heating pad before slowly pressing it onto the small, deformed upper back in front of him, even pushing the weak body itself forward and earning a loud hiss as he jerked forward.
"Hot?"
"Wha- N-No Buck... s'cold...Give some-one a war-ning..." A warning? But a warning just made the person tense up, leading to the pain being worse than without a verbal warning. Tensed up muscles led to more pain and even more tension. Right? A sigh as he removed a strain of hair from his face, smoothed the edges of the pad out to make it stick properly, feeling the curves and humps underneath his fingertips and admiring every single one of them. The weak and hoarse voice in front of him had probably been right, though. Sometimes, Bucky just felt heartless to say the least. Just...not in control of his feelings. So he made mistakes. Mistakes which made him feel dumb and useless. "S'Still co-old..." Although he held his lips closed up until know he couldn't help the little, almost inaudible giggle escaping them at the shaky voice, belonging to the shuddering thin frame on the bed.
So delicate and squeamish, making Bucky be tender and affectionate in a way he has never felt or experienced before.
With one eyebrow raised he noticed he had probably been too gentle with the heating pad as it came off slowly so he carefully and without a warning put his left metal hand on Steve's flat stomach, feeling the weak muscles tense slightly under his touch. he pressed his flat palm into the soft and almost baby-like skin to build up resistance and apply the heating pad again, being sure it wouldn't come off as easily this time. Instead of pulling away though, as Bucky felt his muscles giving in, he extended his thumb to draw light circles into his abdomen, admiring every inch of his body more than his own, practically feeling him melt under the intimate touch.
"Do you like this?"
And Steve couldn't help but to chuckle at the clueless sounding question while he was clearly leaning into the touch and internally begging for more, making it obvious he did far more than just like this but soon enough he regret laughing as it turned into coughing, already feeling the taste of mucus in the back of his mouth. Bucky was fast to act though, helping the tiny but exhausting coughs out by patting his upper back a little more roughly, face crumbled in concern as the body shook with the effort while not being able to cough harder. "Spit if you need to.", he encouraged the smaller one, knowing how much he hated letting it out.
How much Bucky hated coming home or waking up and finding his Steve in pain, being sick or betrayed by his own body again, turning his world upside down and dunking it into a puddle of pure concern. "I-I...liked...i-it Bu-uck....", the poor little body managed to bring out in between the coughs which sounded like gentle wheezes but Bucky knew better than encouraging him to try harder. This certainly was the hardest he could go without straining his lungs too much so he focused on helping his body out as best as he could, taking his metal hand to press into his chest slightly but firmly, as this always helped him to spit if he had to.
"Bu-ucky..." "Shhh...Don't hold it back, Stevie, I'm right here." As he let it out the noises of discomfort followed along, though and Bucky pressed his hand into the small chest a little harder, feeling every inch of his body shake with every time his right hand patted Steve's rounded back and he watched as the coughs decreased ever so slowly, not being able to imagine how a body so small and frail could manage to take so many ailments and hurdles along the way as he slowly let go of Steve's chest and rubbed soothing circles into his back. "Very well done." The former soldier smiled as he noticed how even those soft movements made Steve's weak body move along, not being able to stabilize itself.
"Where does it hurt?" He didn't bother asking if he was hurt because the way his body was curled into itself, the harsh breaths being forced into his lungs, his eyes barely staying open...It all spoke for itself. Bucky let heavy his body rest next to the smaller one, serving as the big spoon and if he had to admit it, yes, he did feel tired and mentally drained partly because of Steve's recent series of waking up in the middle of the night, coughing and crying, longing for comfort which didn't bother him but it all showed itself now. "E-Every-thing -urts...Wan-sleep." Bucky hummed along, blowing some hair away from his own face, letting his muscular arm fall over Steve's small waist, touching the back of his head with his forehead in a loving way. He could love, that was for sure.
"B-Buck?" He held the small frame tighter against his own body when noticing how vulnerable he sounded. "Hm?" "Ca-Can you si-..." Suddenly a heavy cough wrecked his body and many smaller coughs let his body shake and make it hard for Bucky to keep him steady. "Spit, punk, you need to let it out. I'll change the towels when you're asleep, okay?" As tears prickled in the corners of Steve's eyes Bucky sighed in concern and pulled him closer against his firm chest, gently rubbing his stomach. "Yeah, I know this sucks, that little body of yours won't let you get any rest, huh?"
"Can...Ngh...Can y-you sing f-for me?" For a second Bucky was frozen in place. Singing? He blushed slightly, noticing how incredibly cute and innocent that demand was and how much he would like to fulfill it for Steve. If it meant peace, tranquility or relaxation, he was down for it. Still, singing wasn't really anything he would do for anyone. In fact, Steve was the only person he would ever sing to, so he sighed his insecurities away, licked his lips while smiling and felt his boyfriend cuddling in closer.
"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear how much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine away."
It was only now that he realized, his voice wasn't as scratchy when singing as he thought it would be and when Steve closed his eyes it proved him right. Bucky gently palmed his chest, still smiling lazily.
"The other night dear, as I lay sleeping
I dreamed I held you in my arms
But when I awoke, dear, I was mistaken
So I hung my head and I cried.
You are my sunshine, my-"
With Steve coughing hardly in his arms he stopped for a moment to gently give his neck a kiss and continued to smooth out any tension in his chest passionately. He decided it was best to keep distracting the younger one so he moved his lips closer to the red ear in front of him and closed his eyes, holding his struggling boyfriend tight.
"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away
I'll always love you and make you happy,
If you will only say the same.
But if you leave me and love another,
You'll regret it all some day"
His voice sweet and thick like honey somehow managed to quiten the coughs again as Steve finally drifted off into a light sleep. Bucky could love. Even himself, with Steve's help. He was certain he could. His hand didn't stop moving though, giving him a sense of security.
" You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are gray
You'll never know dear, how much I love you. Please don't take my sunshine away..."
Slowly he leaned forward, resting his lips behind Steve's ear, the slight beard on his chin feeling rough against the smooth and soft skin, kissing it tenderly before closing his eyes.
"Please don't take my sunshine away..."