Thor should have known something was wrong.
He should have been the first one to see it, to notice- but no. He was unobservant as ever, which led to this; an awkward comment made at the dinner table.
Thor wouldn’t have thought anything of it, if it wasn’t for the way his little brother’s cheeks burned bright red. Thor looked up across the table to Valkyrie, his mouth full of food.
“It’s nothing to get flustered about, Lackey. I just asked you how much you weighed.”
Thor swallowed with a hard gulp, turning his attention back to Loki; who looked like he wanted to throw up, Thor wasn’t quite sure, but maybe he might.
“I…” Loki stammered, Thor eyes fell on Loki’s knee bouncing uncontrollably under the table. “I don’t know- Why?” Thor could tell Loki’s mask was faltering, and it was bad when Thor could tell. He could see Loki trying to hold it up, trying to put as much venom behind his words as he could, trying to come off as cold. But Thor could also see the heat building up in the trickster's ears, and how he dug his nails into his thigh underneath the table.
Valkyrie shrugged and frowned, crossing her arms, “I was just wondering.” She looked back up towards Loki, “You’re a pretty big guy, but you don’t seem to eat a lot.”
Thor felt his brother tense beside him. He swore he could see the lump form in Loki’s throat.
“I’m- I don’t know,” Loki repeated, clearly his throat a little bit to get rid of the slight shake it held. He moved his fork mindlessly around his unfinished plate, “I haven’t checked in a while,” He trailed off.
Thor caught Valkyrie's eyes, he hoped she could see the message he was currently trying to scream at her, Change the subject! If she didn’t get it, it was obvious Bruce did. Since he conveniently brought up the lack of supplies and the need for a quick stop.
Valkyrie started in, something about a close port nearby. Thor wasn’t paying attention to the conversation across the table. He kept his eyes on his brother.
Loki sat with his shoulders slumped. He was much taller than Thor now, he had hit a recent growth spurt or something. But how he sat now, he looked small. He continued to pick at his plate, never eating another piece. Thor noticed the slight gloss in his eyes, like he was...crying?
Thor shook his head, he reached for Loki’s shoulder. “Loki-”
Loki rolled his shoulder quickly, knocking Thor’s hand off before he could even grasp it, “I’m going to head to bed. Goodnight.”
“Oh- Goodnight.” Thor replied, but it was little use. Loki was gone before Thor could even get the words out. Thor tried to follow his brother out with his eyes, but he lost him in the crowd of Asgardians.
Thor huffed, turning back to his friends. His elbows resting on the table, as his head filled with thoughts.
“What’s up with him?” Valkyrie asked, taking a heavy swig of….whatever she was drinking. “Why’d he rush off so soon?”
“Maybe because you just embarrassed him.” Bruce sounded a little aggravated, which made Thor sit closer to the edge of his seat. The mess hall was full of families at the moment, and Thor honestly wasn’t in the mood for a rematch with the Hulk. (Maybe later.)
“Me- What did I do?!” Thor flinched as she slammed the bottle on the table.
“Obviously he was uncomfortable!”
Thor looked back to the empty spot, as the other two continued to argue. He agreed with Bruce. For being the God of Lies, Loki wasn’t always the best at hiding his emotions. You just had to know where to look, then it was clear as day. If you knew him he was easy to read.
Thor tapped his chin a couple of times. Maybe he should go check on him? He was upset- But maybe he needs some space?
It’s so hard to tell with him.
***
A few more weeks had passed since the situation at dinner; and no more comments on the subject had been made.
Although, Thor hadn’t forgotten about it. He knew it really wasn’t that big of a deal, but what Valkyrie said made sense.
Loki had gotten big- Well, height wise and other…
Thor knew of Loki’s heritage, but it really never showed. Obviously, Loki was able to live a thousand years as an Asgardian, no one thinking any differently.
But recently, he had hit that very obvious growth spurt. Thor hadn’t even seen it coming, it was just like one day his little brother was towering over him like a- well...giant.
And in Thor’s head it made sense, when you grow a few inches (In Loki’s case, a foot) you naturally put on a little weight. He could remember his mother always filling their plates up, calling them growing boys. It was a sweet memory, but Thor could also recall Loki barely touching anything on the plate. He had always been a small kid, and even into his teenage years, he was slim. So maybe that’s why his sudden change in size took Thor by surprise.
Since that night at dinner, Thor had kept a watchful eye on his brother. Valkyrie was right when saying he barely ate anything. Thor knew his brother had a small appetite, but he thought it would have grown with Loki’s increase in size.
Thor hadn’t tried to talk to Loki about it. He didn’t think he would get very far, Loki was right when he said open communication wasn’t their forte.
So instead, Thor continued to keep his eye on him. Trying his hardest not to make it noticeable. He noted a few things, like how Loki always skipped breakfast and lunch- and every other dinner. Even when he did grace them with his presence he barely ate. Thor swore he had even grown an inch or two more. But the more concerning factors however, Loki had been distancing himself more often than usual. Always leaving dinner early. Thor would come back to their shared quarters, Loki already in bed, his back facing him. Thor knew there were times he had to be faking it.
There had been a few times where Thor would purposely make noise just to see if he could get a rise out of him. It never worked of course.
Tonight was a little different however, Loki didn’t leave dinner early, instead a small nurse Thor didn’t recognize came and fetched him. Whispering in his ear, Thor tried to listen in, but he couldn’t make out a thing. Loki excused himself, leaving quickly as he followed the nurse out.
Thor was worried, he didn’t return the rest of dinner. He thought it was a little weird that a young healer would be talking to Loki, but then again- Loki was a mage. Maybe not a healer, but he knew the art. Maybe he was teaching- or helping? Thor didn’t know for sure, he decided he would ask him. Thor expected to find his brother laying in bed once he returned to their quarters, but much to Thor’s own surprise, the bed was empty.
Thor sat for a while, then undressed getting ready for bed. He stared at the ceiling for a while, listening to the engines of the Statesmen. If he wasn’t careful, he would easily be lulled to sleep. He was a heavy sleeper, always had been. He wanted to be awake when Loki returned, but his eyelids felt so damn heavy.
He heard the click of the door, and his body tensed. He didn’t sit up or anything, he continued to lay there. He heard Loki sigh, as he walked to his bed. It was dark, so Loki was probably assuming Thor was already fast asleep. Thor watched his brother as he stood at his bed. Thor’s eyes had adjusted to the darkness of the room, but even still, the outline of Loki’s figure was quite terrifying.
Thor watched as Loki pulled off his leather and little armor he wore. He stood there a moment in his not so loose undershirt. The material clung to his back, which looked wide and strong. But it was also tight around his sides, which didn’t look so firm.
Thor opened his mouth to speak but closed it quickly when he heard a slight whimper. Loki covered his face with his hands, Thor could see the tremble in his shoulders. He could hear the whimpers and chokes escape his mouth. Thor felt the strong urge to reach for his brother, to grab his shoulder like he always did. But something kept Thor pinned, because he knew the moment he let himself be known Loki would immediately close up. Act like nothing was wrong like he always did. It was better if Thor just stayed quiet for now, he would get more information this way.
Loki pulled his shirt off, having to tug at it a bit when it got stuck on his upper back. Loki turned around, sitting on the edge of his bed, Thor was hoping he wouldn’t look up because he would be met with Thor’s wide eyes. Thor couldn’t help it, he tried to pry his eyes away but they wouldn’t move. As Loki tugged at his boots, Thor stared mouth agape flabbergasted. He wasn’t- judging, no he was just...caught off guard- Loki was...Thor didn’t want to say fat- Because he wasn’t! But chubby sounded so childish.
He still looked strong, and built. The size of his arms have probably doubled. His middle looked soft, but it still held a little muscle definition.
Loki sat his boots to the side, resting his elbows on his knees. He glared down to the rolls of flesh spilling over the band of his pants. It just kept getting worse, didn’t it? He couldn’t explain the burning heat in his face and chest, he was so angry. At what? Himself? He guesses that’s the only person he can blame, now isn’t it? He just didn’t understand- Why? He wasn’t letting himself go- although it looked that way. He had been watching what he ate, he had been working out- but still...He was still-
He dug the heels of his hands into his eyes. They burned- he was crying again. He had been doing that a lot lately.
He heard the squeak of the bed and his head shot up. Thor was sitting across from him, in a similar position. His hands resting on his knees, his eyes glued on Loki.
They both sat there staring for a moment. Loki felt his face grow warmer than ever before, his throat tightening to an alarming amount. Loki tried to clear his throat, tears still staining his face in red streaks.
“I didn’t mean to wake you-” Loki coughed, he needed the tremble of his voice to leave immediately.
“You didn’t,” Loki swallowed hard, his hands gripping his knees tighter, “I’ve been awake.”
“Oh.” Loki heard himself say. He took a breath in, it was more of a gasp, it left him shuddering. He scratched the back of his head, searching for a way out of this. He couldn’t even look at his brother, he wanted to hate him with every fiber of his being. He was so fucking perfect it was annoying. So utterly frustrating. Thor was golden, and sculpted in every way. He had a perfect body, perfect face, perfect teeth. He was everything Loki had always wanted to be. And he was just sitting there, staring at his fucked up little brother.
“Loki-”
“It’s late. We- I’m going to bed.” Loki stood turning around, pulling the blankets on his bed back, he could hear Thor huff.
“Wait a moment Loki-”
“It’s late, Thor. Whatever it is- I’m sure it can wait until morning.” Loki was stuck. He needed to go to bed, he had to get out of this conversation. But the pants he was currently trapped in were suffocating. He honestly didn’t know how he got in them that morning. He swore they were cutting off the circulation in his thighs- Norns his fucking thighs. He hated those things- it seemed that’s where almost all of this new found weight decided to settle.
“Loki, I said wait.”
Loki tensed when a hand landed on his shoulder. Thor felt it, he saw how his back flexed. Loki glared over his shoulder, Thor shifted awkwardly, removing his hand.
“I just want to talk-”
“And I said we could in the morning.” Loki snapped back, Thor was getting irritated as well.
“Yeah, you say that- but when does that ever happen?” Thor shook his head, “For norns sake, Loki, you were crying! I feel like we should talk-”
“I wasn’t crying! I was- It doesn’t matter!” Loki wanted to hit himself. He was tired and upset, and really wasn’t in the mood to argue.
“Then what’s wrong?” Loki bit his tongue, Thor tilted his head a little, taking a step forward, “Will you turn around?” He sounded more aggravated now then he did before. Even reaching up to Loki’s shoulder again to pull him around. Loki jerked away, swatting Thor’s hand.
“No- Will you just l-leave me alone,” Loki bit his tongue harder now, the shake in his voice was back. His entire body was shaking.
Thor’s face fell, as he watched his brother attempt to keep his composure.
“Loki, really,” He said softly, “Just talk to me.”
Loki kept his back towards his brother, his arms wrapping around himself. His chest ached, his stomach was cramping in knots. He felt like he was going to be sick.
“What did that nurse tell you?” Thor asked after a moment of Loki’s shuddering breaths.
Loki shook his head, “Nothing. It’s not important.”
“You were gone for hours, Loki. Just tell me what it was about, I’m worried about you.” Thor didn’t mean to gesture at him, but he did, and Loki caught it. Thor chewed on his lip, he knew that was the wrong move. “I didn’t mean-”
“Yes you did.” Loki interrupted him. He took a deep breath, finally taking a step towards Thor. “It’s quite obvious I’ve…” He looked down at himself, suddenly fighting the urge to vomit, his arms wrapped around himself quickly. “I was just- I went to see her a few weeks ago. It was happening fast so I thought maybe something was wrong.” His knees buckled from under him, he plopped on the bed, Thor slowly sitting next to him.
“And? W-was there- Is there something?” Thor asked cautiously.
Loki shook his head, his eyes burning again. He covered his face quickly, sucking in a breath. “No,” He choked. Thor sat there, a pit building in his stomach, “No there’s nothing wrong.” Loki rubbed his eye roughly, “I’m just a fat ass I guess-”
“Hey!” Thor didn’t mean to hit him so hard, but he was pissed off. Loki looked at him as he rubbed his arm. “No you’re not. Don’t talk about yourself like that.”
Loki rolled his eyes, his hand still holding the throbbing area on his arm.
“It’s hard to deny, Thor.” He heard his little brother mumble underneath his breath.
“Why’s that?”
“Why,” Loki stammered, standing abruptly as Thor sat. “Fucking look at me!”
“I am,” Thor said calmly, “And I don’t see the issue, Loki.”
Loki grabbed his hair, pulling the ends as he growled, “Can you- stop being- YOU- for one damn second?!” Thor didn’t respond, he could tell there was a lot more coming. “You’re so fucking perfect- Odinson- The first son- The mighty Thor- The God of thunder- Everyone loves you! And you don’t even try- You’ve never had to try! Everything always came easy to you- I tried so hard to be you! My entire life! And I just- I keep getting farther- and farther away! Why?! Why can’t I-” Loki finally choked, looking up to see Thor’s eyes. Thor could see the shock on Loki’s face, like he didn’t mean to let that go. Loki’s hand shot up to his face, covering his mouth, hot red streaks staining his cheeks.
Thor looked at the ground for a moment. When he looked back up, Loki was looking away from him, his arms wrapped around his body.
“Can we please just go to bed?” Loki asked quietly. Thor had more to say, but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. He nodded, standing from Loki’s bed and crossing to his own. He laid there, staring up at the ceiling again. He glanced over at Loki, who was currently kicking his pants off his ankles. There was a dark red indention from the button on his lower stomach, it honestly looked painful. It seemed bruised and raw. As did his bare thighs, which were also covered in little markings.
Thor didn’t want to close his eyes, because then he would sleep. And how could he sleep when he knew that his brother, who was six feet away from him, was drowning in inner turmoil. Whose mind was so crammed with thoughts of self doubt and hatred. Part of Thor couldn’t wait until morning, the other part of him didn’t want to see it come.
Because what the hell was he supposed to say?
***
Loki woke with a nudge to his side, he flinched when he woke, seeing Thor’s face hovering over him.
“What?” Loki said, rising to his elbows, his voice hoarse from slumber.
“Get up. We’re eating breakfast.” Loki yawned, dragging a hand down his face.
“I don’t eat breakfast.” Loki plopped back down on his pillow.
“Yes, but I do, and we need to talk. So come on, get dressed.” Thor ordered, Loki huffed, the metal ringing of the door echoed in the room. Loki rubbed his eyes. He felt heavier than usual. It was like his body was made of stone, he didn’t even want to get out of bed. But what choice did he have? If he didn’t meet up with Thor, then his oof of a brother would just return to drag him out of bed.
Loki groaned as he sat up, having to push on the bed to get to the sitting position. He huffed, Loki’s eyes widened. Was he- Out of breath? Why was he panting? All he did was sit up- Loki rolled his eyes, trying to catch his breath.
He stood, taking a long moment to stretch. As he stood, he swayed a second. Loki reached for the wall, steading his balance. He grabbed his pants from the end of his bed, saying a small prayer under his breath before he began to get dressed.
He wiggled and squirmed, pulling with all his might, jumping at one point.
“You fit- yesterday-” Loki growled, as he continued to fight with the band. Trying to pull them over his thighs, they stuck to his skin no matter how hard he pulled. Loki huffed, his chest pounding. His stupid stomach protruding out with each breath.
It was impossible- He couldn’t have gained more, in a single night?! He had been watching what he ate- and by that he meant he hadn’t been eating anything. Maybe that’s why he had that huge gnawing pit in his stomach.
What was he supposed to do now?
Loki guessed he could cast an illusion to go meet with Thor, but if his loving brother decided to get affectionate Loki would be in even more trouble. But he couldn’t necessarily go out there without any pants on either.
***
“I was starting to think you fell back to sleep.” Thor said, glancing up towards Loki as he attempted to sit in front of him. His legs not exactly fitting comfortably underneath the table. Thor knew he shouldn’t laugh, but it was amusing seeing Loki so flustered, he looked like he wanted to murder the table.
Loki huffed as he finally got seated, looking up to Thor’s amused face. “Oh yeah- Laugh all you want. I’m sure it’s quite the show.” Loki plopped his chin on his hand. Thor’s smirk faltered, as he watched Loki’s frowned expression.
“I’m sorry-”
“Yeah, whatever.” Loki shrugged, “What did you want to talk about?” Loki glanced down, picking at the table.
“Loki,” Thor said like he always did. With a low sort of growl of annoyance. “Don’t play dumb, we both know you’re not.” Loki snorted a little, “Last night-”
“It doesn’t matter, Thor.”
“Loki-”
“I don’t want to talk about it.” Loki snapped, his hand hitting the table harder than he intended it to. They both paused, their eyes focused on the large split that formed in the wood. Loki cleared his throat, shifting to get out of his brother's gaze.
“It’s embarrassing, Thor.” He said quietly after a long moment of silence. Loki’s eyes refusing to meet Thor’s again.
“I know.” Thor didn’t like how red Loki’s cheeks were. “But I don’t want you to be. Loki- we’re brothers. I don’t want you to feel like you have to hide anything from me. Anything you’re going through, or thinking, I want to know, Loki.” Thor waited for a response, an eye roll, an outburst. But all he got was a nod.
They sat there a little bit longer, Thor was hesitant, but he continued to eat. He wanted Loki to at least eat something, but he knew that was a losing battle.
“Um…” Thor looked up, he thought Loki’s face was red before, but now-
“Yes, Loki?”
“Well, uh,” Loki’s hands covered his cheeks, they were burning. “I um...I need new pants.” His voice was so hushed. Thor honestly needed him to repeat himself, but he didn’t want to sound like he was making fun of him.
“O-okay. Um, what size do you-” Thor trailed off when he realized that wasn’t the right thing to ask. The amount of actual fear in his brother's eyes was concerning. “We can find you some.” Thor added quickly.
Breakfast passed with little conversation, there were a few moments of small talk between the two, but it didn’t last. It was as they were walking down the halls to the storage rooms that Thor finally looked his brother up and down. He wasn’t wearing his armor, or leather. He had his regular green undershirt on that he filled out well.
“Those look good on you.” Thor said, noticing his pants. Loki stilled a little, the redness returning to his skin. “What?” Thor asked, “I said they looked good, it’s a compliment!”
“I know it is- shut up!” Thor closed his mouth as Loki huffed, “I mean-” He sighed, “They aren’t real.”
Thor blinked a few times.
“Loki,” He said slowly, “Are you not wearing pants-”
“Yes- I’m- Gods you’re an idiot.” Loki huffed, then there was a flash of green light, “See?” Loki said sarcastically, motioning to his black sweats that he currently wore instead of the leather it used to be.
“Oh.” Thor said, “Well, those look good too-”
“Shut up.”
***
A few more weeks passed, and Thor could tell an obvious difference in Loki. He was more open than he used to be, even if it was just little things. Like if he had a headache, or if his knees were killing him. Thor knew it actually wasn’t much, but he liked it.
They had been spending more time together too, Loki joining him for breakfast most days. Rarely eating, but at least gracing him with his presence.
Thor had even convinced Loki to let him train with him. It only happened because Thor accidentally caught Loki working out one night. It was late, and Thor woke up to find Loki’s bed empty. He went wandering around and found him in the training room. Loki was reluctant at first, Thor knew he was embarrassed or ashamed, but he honestly wasn’t judging. He missed the days he and Loki trained together.
It was after one of these sessions, on their way back to their quarters. Loki was drenched in sweat, while Thor looked clean and refreshed. Loki could hardly feel his legs, his knees ached, and his feet throbbed. He needed to take a shower, he felt disgusting, but he didn’t think he would be able to stand for much longer.
Thor walked to his bed, pulling his armor off, as Loki shuffled to his own bed. He plopped down, the mattress dipping under his weight. Loki huffed, reaching for his shoes. Pausing, he reached a little further, straining. When did his legs get so fucking long? Loki tried again, he felt a sharp pain in his back as he stopped. He rested his elbows on his knees, shaking his head.
“Thor,” Loki cleared his throat, Thor hummed a little, glancing over his shoulder. He whipped around when he saw Loki’s broken expression.
“What’s wrong?” He asked immediately.
“It’s…” Loki covered his face, “Can you help- me?”
Thor froze in place, a minute longer than he intended to. “Y-yes, of course. What do you- What’s the matter?” He coughed, resting his hands on his hips trying to act casual.
“I can’t,” Loki sighed, “I can’t reach my shoes.” Loki said with heavy dread.
“Oh,” Thor said, “Oh! Right-” He repeated, finally moving towards him. Thor kneeled down, unlacing Loki’s boots. His eyes glanced up to Loki who wouldn’t look at him. Thor felt so small as he knelt in front of him. Loki was huge, his feet were gigantic, his legs were practically the length of Thor. Thor pulled the boot off, he didn’t say anything, but Loki’s feet looked swollen. Actually- Thor began to look- So did his knees. Thor started on the other boot.
“How- are you feeling?”
“Hmm? Oh- Um...fine, I suppose.” Loki shrugged.
Thor frowned a little, glancing up quickly before he made his next move. He pulled Loki’s boot off, then barely squeezed Loki’s foot. And as Thor expected, Loki jumped, doubling forward to knock Thor away, his face flashing of pain.
“Ow-” He gritted his teeth, “What was that for?”
“You said you were fine- You lied.”
“I am fine.” Loki repeated. Thor stood rolling his eyes, he crossed his arms as he looked almost eye level with Loki, who remained sitting.
“Do I need to get a healer? Bruce?”
“What? No! I just said I’m-”
“Loki, you’re in pain. You should see a doctor.” Loki shook his head, knocking Thor’s hand out of his face.
“So my feet hurt, Thor, big deal.” Loki huffed, his hand gripping his knee, trying his hardest not to grimace.
“See? Right now- You’re doing it right now. What’s wrong? Is it your knee?” Thor tried to get closer, Loki knocked him away again.
“I’m fine, Thor- Stop worrying so much.” He swatted the air, “You sound like, mother.” He mumbled. Thor’s face fell a bit.
“Well, she would say the same thing if she was here.” Thor crossed his arms. “And besides, I’m still your big brother- It’s my job to pester you.”
Loki chuckled, rubbing his chin as Thor continued to scold him.
“I went to a healer. Again.” Loki rolled his eyes on the last word. “She said- My bones aren’t strong enough to accommodate my...weight and height.” Loki scratched his neck.
“So what does that mean?” Thor asked with worry rising in his voice.
“It means- I’m just fa-” The glare in Thor’s eyes silenced him quickly. “I just-” He huffed, “She said I wasn’t eating enough.”
“Well, I could have told you that.”
“Thor-”
“No, Loki- I’ve had enough of this.” Thor huffed, he returned back to his side of the room kicking his boots off and sliding them under the bed. “I know you’re having a hard time with your weight right now, I get that. But you haven't eaten in days. You can’t do that, it’s not good for you.”
“I don’t care!” Thor took a shuffled step back as Loki snapped at him.
“How can you say that?” Thor shook his head.
“You just don’t understand, Thor.” Loki huffed, crossing his arms.
“Yes I-”
“No! No you don’t!” Loki stood causing Thor to flinch. “You’ve never once had to deal with something like this. My entire life I was always too small- I was sick, and weak, I couldn’t gain a pound even when I tried. Now- Fuck!” Loki plopped back down roughly, grabbing his knee. His teeth seethed with pain.
“You’re right.” Loki glanced up, the few angry tears still resting on his rounded cheeks. “I can’t pretend to know what you are dealing with, but I am trying to understand. I don’t want to see you hurt yourself because you are so caught up in what other people think of you.” Loki opened his mouth to argue, but Thor quickly shushed him, “You’ve done it before, Loki.” Loki bit his tongue, and let his head fall a little lower.
“I can’t force you to do anything, I can only encourage you.” Thor took a seat on the edge of his own bed. “I just want you to be healthy and safe, Loki. And if that means you have to gain a couple pounds or maybe eat a meal or two, then fine. I care about you, Loki. I don’t know why I have to keep repeating that.”
Loki stayed silent as Thor began gathering his change of clothes and headed out the door for the showers. Loki kept his eyes on the floor, his hand still gripping his throbbing knee. He wanted to stand, he wanted to get out of these sweaty and uncomfortable clothes, he craved a shower. But he couldn’t move. Every muscle ached, his bones felt like they were ready to snap. So he just stayed there, letting his mind drift off.
***
“Why didn’t you tell me you were in here?” Loki glanced over his shoulder when Thor entered the training room. Loki shrugged and then went back to the punching bag in front of him.
“I thought you were in a meeting.” Loki answered. Thor had his fist on his hips as he stood there observing his brother.
“I was, and technically, you were supposed to be there too.” Loki gave him another glance. “Just like the last meeting, and the one before that, and the eight before that.” Loki rolled his eyes as he threw a few more punches. Thor took a minute or more to gather his argument.
“Loki,” He started firmly, “It’s been almost a month.”
Loki didn’t give a reaction, it almost seemed like he was ignoring him entirely.
“I told you to take better care of yourself and you’ve done the exact opposite.” Thor continued to lecture even though Loki had turned his back on him and was walking towards the table by the wall. “You haven’t stepped foot in the dining hall, you’ve missed all the meetings, you keep yourself coped up in that damn room or in here. No one has seen or heard from you in weeks. And I don’t even know how that’s possible since there’s a thousand people crammed on this bloody thing. Valkyrie thought you had actually left!” Thor huffed. His shoulders rose and fell with every rough breath he took. He stared at his brother’s back and finally took a moment to examine.
Thor knew they shared a room, but even still, Thor rarely saw Loki anymore. It had been going good there for a while, but Thor had ultimately overstepped apparently. And there went Loki’s walls, built back higher and stronger than ever. They had stopped eating breakfast together, talking, working out. It all just stopped, just like before when they were younger and Loki had shut him out. Thor was determined to avoid repeating the past.
He stood there, his eyes scanning over Loki’s figure. He had grown a little bit more, Thor was really starting to wonder when he would stop. And he looked a little…thinner.
“Loki?” Thor crossed his arms, waiting for Loki to at least look at him.
The taller man slowly turned around, having finished unwrapping his hands. His knuckles still managed to bruise however. Loki’s cheeks weren’t as round as they had been, and his waist had gotten slimmer, as much as Thor could tell his torso was very lean.
“What?” Loki asked, his fuse of patience completely burned.
“When was the last time you ate?” Thor asked, his voice completely even. Loki didn’t answer, he just glared down at his brother and shrugged.
“Why does it matter?” Loki pushed past Thor and headed towards the door.
“Why does it- Loki do you even hear yourself?! I can’t-” Thor pinched his forehead as he growled, “You’re killing yourself! All over a few stupid pounds!” Loki whipped around on his heels and was towering over Thor before the God of Thunder knew what was happening.
“A few stupid pounds! Try a couple hundred, Thor- I felt like I was drowning! I felt like I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t move- I felt so fucking heavy it was unbearable and I tried everything, okay! I watched what I ate, I kept moving every second of every day- But it still kept coming- and then that stupid fucking nurse told me I wasn’t eating enough-” Loki’s face was burning, his tears blinded in with the sweat that also caked his face. “Then- Then you said that I didn’t matter what I weighed- Or how I looked just as long as I was healthy- Yeah, well that’s real fucking easy for you to say- You’re not the one who has to carry it all- You’re not the one who has to duck under every doorway, or even slouch when standing in rooms- You don’t have to deal with the glares, and whispers, and people staring at you like you’re some kind of fucking freak!” Thor had never heard Loki cry like he did. He gasped, sucking it a breath that never really made it to his lungs until he choked again. His shoulders shook, and his hands trembled.
Thor stood there completely helpless. Just staring up at his little brother who was suffocating under the burden of self doubt and worth.
“Loki,” Thor breathed, unsure of what to say.
“I’m just so tired,” Loki dug his palms into his eyes, “I’m tired of being different, I’m tired of having to try so hard. I’m exhausted, Thor, and I don’t know how much longer I can do this.”
Thor took an immediate step forward, Loki basically collapsed into his arms. He fell to his knees with a heavy thud, he was about eye level with Thor now. His head falling to Thor’s chest, as Thor’s arms wrapped around his back.
“Loki, please don’t say that.” He hugged him tightly. “I know it’s hard, I know I can’t exactly help the way I wish I could, but please- Please- You are all I have. I’ve already lost you before, I can’t go through it again.” Thor heard a soft whimper escape his brother, but neither of them spoke any further.
“Come on,” Thor rubbed Loki’s back, “Let’s go get a drink.” Loki chuckled back and fell away from the hug. He used Thor’s shoulder as he got back to his feet, towering over his big brother once more.
Thor was a few steps behind Loki, he watched as he had to lower a significant amount to fit underneath the door into the hall. Thor knew Loki wasn’t very welcomed on board the ship. Some of the Asgardians were still skeptical given his past, but also taking his heritage into account for their hatred. Thor didn’t think it was right, but then again, he thought the exact same way just a few short years ago. It was a time he’d rather forget about it, but he knew it wouldn’t erase entirely.
Thor knew it was impossible to change every passenger's mind, as was it to rebuild the ship to accommodate his brother’s large form. But Thor also recognized the opportunity infront of him. Maybe he wasn’t able to change what had already been set in stone, but here they were on their way to Earth to form a new nation and start all over. What was stopping him from making it a place where Loki would feel completely welcomed?
Absolutely nothing he supposed.