Chapter 3
Melina’s never grieved for anybody except herself before. Grieved for a stolen childhood and for the future she’ll never have.
The thing that they don’t tell people about grief is how it doesn’t come in fixed steps. There is no textbook to properly grieving. She can’t just read steps on how to grieve and then do it. Her daughter is dead and Melina doesn’t know what she should feel or if her feelings are right.
They end up settling in New York where Melina finds a small farm in the countryside that was for sale. Melina doesn’t have the money but spins a tale of domestic abuse that wasn’t too far off from her own story and she makes a downpayment of $600 upfront. The small farm needed some work. It was miles from the nearest town and neighbors as well as run-down and desolate of any animals.
Melina finds a shovel in the garage and she digs a hole in the back. Her first priority is setting her little girl to rest.
Natasha watches Melina dig the hole from nearby, sitting with her knees to her chest, uncharacteristically quiet. Melina doesn’t know how to start the conversation with her.
Asking if she’s okay would be foolish. Natasha’s very obviously not okay and neither is Melina.
They don’t have money for a coffin or for a tombstone but they bury Yelena anyway. Natasha stands at the foot of the deep hole and stares down at the pink blanket before her face crumples. She turns to wrap her arms around Melina and sought out comfort from her mother.
Melina holds her close. “Do you have anything you want to tell Yelena before we bury her?”
“She won’t hear it.” Natasha sniffles, eyes fixated on the pink blanket. “She’s getting her favorite blankie dirty…”
“I know,” Melina runs a hand over Natasha’s hair gently.
Natasha takes a deep breath and then everything comes bursting out like a river. Natasha makes apology after apology. She’s sorry that she wasn’t a better big sister, that she didn’t know something was wrong, that she yelled at Yelena for spilling juice on her shirt, that she got annoyed at Yelena when she sang her favorite song. Natasha apologizes for every little thing she did wrong and then apologized for things she didn’t do.
“And I’m sorry that I didn’t protect you.” Natasha finishes, tears rolling down her cheeks, her voice cracking as her breath hitched.
Natasha then lets out a whistle. Two notes that Melina had heard the sisters share. There’s a pause, the waiting of two notes returned back.
The silence breaks Natasha down into sobs. “She didn’t do anything wrong!” She wails. “She didn’t deserve it. She’s four!”
“I know, big girl, I know,” Melina murmurs, trying to keep the lid on her own overflowing jar of grief.
Natasha yells at the hole. “Why did you die?!” She kicks the ground and flails around, so lost in her grief that she’s drowning with no raft in sight. “Why did you leave me!? I need you!”
Melina wraps her arms around Natasha and holds her close. The girl just slumps into her hold, clinging to her. “Why?” She asks the one question Melina cannot answer. Her voice cracks as she whimpers.
“I don’t have an answer for you,” Melina whispers, moving to kneel down so she can hold Natasha closer.
Natasha sniffles for a few moments before looking up at Melina. “Your turn.”
Melina’s mouth is suddenly dry as she forgets everything that she had wanted to say. Natasha is right there in her arms and she is listening.
“I’m sorry, my little firefly,” Melina finally settles on starting her, her voice getting caught in her throat at the memory of Yelena tugging around the same pink blanket she had been wrapped in. “For everything… One year ago they set you in my arms and said I was your mama and you didn’t hesitate to look up at me with wide eyes and wrap your arms around me neck. I should have… I should have protected you better. You shouldn’t have died.”
If Melina blames herself then she can’t blame Yelena.
How horrible is it to blame her for her own death? To blame Yelena for leaving Melina behind with all this grief. How dare she die? How dare she make Melina love her to bits and then just leave?
Melina doesn’t know what else to say. She will later on. Much, much later she will sit at the foot of the grave and she will empty her guts and the guilt she held onto regarding her littlest one’s death. But for now the two stare at the pink blanket.
By the time night falls and it gets colder, Melina pulls away from Natasha to replace the dirt and pack it down.
To her surprise, like Yelena had followed them in spirit, there are fireflies sprinkled in the forest just beyond the trees framing the backyard.
There’s no furniture in the house so that night they use backpacks as pillows and their coats as blankets. Melina tries not to stiffen as Natasha curls into her for warmth on the floor of the living room.
Everything is bare and hard but Yelena is at peace and that’s all Melina ever wanted.
Melina finds a job and uses the last of her money to buy groceries and pay for utilities. She worries about leaving Natasha to her own devices in the house as she works.
She comes home one day to find that Natasha found the items of Yelena’s that Melina had packed. Natasha has her face buried into one of the shirts as she sits in front of the grave in the backyard.
It takes months before they’re relatively steady on their feet. Melina buys furniture and seeds to start a garden. While buying seeds, she sees cherry blossom tree starts. She buys a few and plants them out by the grave.
She can’t enroll Natasha into school, not yet. It’s not safe at the moment. Instead, Melina teaches Natasha herself, buying whiteboards and notebooks for her. Natasha learns to garden and she learns to put furniture together.
Still, whenever she got extremely distressed or emotional, she’d wander out into the backyard to sit in front of the grave.
Melina has caught her sneaking out in the middle of the night, rain or shine. When it got colder as it turned to winter, she’d start to leave a coat by the door so Natasha would wear one. Melina caught her once half-frozen outside. Melina’s heart stops at the sight of blue lips, just like Yelena’s.
Melina builds a security system and she acquires weapons to protect themselves. Natasha asks about training and Melina tells her that she’s not the Red Room, not anymore.
Natasha doesn’t believe her at first but that’s okay, Melina doesn’t expect her to.
Then what would have been Yelena’s fifth birthday rolls around and it's like any progress they had made was wiped clean as they’re drenched in grief once again.
Melina buys a headstone for her. It’s not grand or expensive but there is now a place for Melina to rest trinkets and for Natasha to lean against.
Natasha turns ten and Melina lets her sign up for ballet at the theatre. Natasha practices her sets outside by the grave and after her first big performance, she sets one of the flowers Melina gets her onto Yelena’s grave. She’ll later add her ballet slippers when she outgrows them.
Natasha’s nearing eleven years of age when Melina finally enrolls her in school, assured that they had successfully run.
Melina still feels the emptiness in her heart and she’ll sometimes instinctively reach to grab the hand of a little girl that isn’t there anymore but she and Natasha are surely but slowly healing.
Melina never once regrets her decision to run. Her visits to Yelena slowly dwindle down until she isn’t relying on her deceased daughter to regulate her emotions.
Natasha’s visits slowly fade too. She no longer runs out of the house in the middle of the night and Melina will only find her curled up sleeping against the headstone when holidays and birthdays roll around.
Sometimes, Melina will wake up and expect to be back in Ohio. Natasha will crawl into bed with her at night, even when she’s old enough to know better. Melina will never turn her down. Sleeping in a big bed feels too big sometimes.
They start to buy chickens first before moving to pigs and then cows. Melina likes the work and she likes to think that Yelena would have adored the farm.
On the anniversary of what would have been Yelena’s sixth birthday, Melina impulsively buys a dog when she remembers just how much Yelena adored them. Natasha’s pleasantly surprised at the dog and Melina hears the first carefree laugh she’s heard in a while as the dog affectionately licks Natasha’s face.
They name the dog Firefly and they buy her a pink collar the same shade as Yelena’s blankie.
They can never leave the Red Room behind in the past. They still have nightmares and Natasha will sometimes ask Melina for a set of handcuffs because she’s just so overwhelmed and she doesn't know any other coping mechanisms. Melina still knows how to kill a man in an infinite amount of ways and Natasha still learned the beginning of how to seduce men.
Melina sometimes wonders if she’s horrible for thinking that she’s glad Yelena’s dead because she was spared the horrors of the Red Room. She died with her innocence and the knowledge that she had a family who loved her.
Melina still can’t pass by Yelena’s grave without stopping to press a kiss to the top of the marble marker just as she had with the top of Yelena’s head.
It’s not easy but she’s free and she saved her eldest daughter from the same fate.
And they live on their little farm in the countryside.