Some days I feel as if the world has decided to imprint the past onto me with a hot steel rod, determined to let the mark be shown. And this mark, whether I like it or not has taken a toll on me. In such situations, you can either choose to be alone in your endeavours or have a loved one with you. The funny part though? These "loved ones" are persistent enough to find out about it.
"A penny for your thoughts." A voice pierces my consciousness. I quickly whip my head and look at the smooth voice. Its Pepper, leaning onto the support of the door column.
Standing up from my stool, I walk towards her, cradling her baby bump and give a soft kiss on the forehead.
" Just a penny? My thoughts are worth a lot, you know? Ask the paps." I give a smirk, if only for a second.
She gives a sarcastic chuckle and looks into my eyes, reading every thought and emotion passing through. It's as if I am transparent in front of her.
"Tony... " She starts and I cut her off by keeping my finger on her lips, shaking my head.
"Don't... Please."
She sighs and walks up towards where I was sitting. A hologram version of Peter stands in place, smiling as he stands next to me.
Looking at it, she understands everything.
I take hesitant steps forward, never wanting to reach where Pepper and Peter stood. Walking up till there meant that I confront what has been troubling me for so long.
Peter.
She pulls me onto the stool and rains down soft kisses onto my head whispering sweet nothings to calm me. And when she finally stops, she looks at me expectantly waiting for the answer. Sometimes, I feel like she has this sort of control over me. As if she can hypnotise me and make me tell what's on my mind. And the funny thing is, I have grown dependant on it.
"I don't know if I will ever bring Peter back." I start. She ruffles her hands in my hair and gives me a continuous hug signalling me to continue. "I feel as if I failed him. Poor boy has so much to do and so much to become and I feel like I failed him. After the snap, all I have been thinking about is him. What if I never bring him back ?" I ramble on.
It feels good letting out these thoughts. I always thought that the mind and imagination was the perfect way to let yourself free. To discover new things and be yourself. To run away from the pressures of the world. But lately, even that has turned toxic. So toxic that even breathing has become hard.
"...just wanted some appreciation. And I failed him even there. I always belittled him, never giving credit and-." My voice cracks and my throat clamps up. Pepper leans onto me from the back and massages my shoulder, whispering, "It's fine."
" and... " I continue, determined to let the message be known loud and clear. Whether it was for the benefit of Pepper or just mine, I don't know. But I let it through. " I miss him."
She squeezes my shoulder and utters those words which make me feel even more guilty if possible. " I know... you meant the world to him and he did to you too."
Saying this she walks away and a sudden feeling of sadness creeps in. Something of a sinking feeling in my stomach. Disappointment.
I swallow back the bile rising up in my throat and go back to admiring the fun times I had with Peter. A single picture of his acts as a link to all memories in my mind lying dormant, waiting for it to be called up to the surface and reminisced.
I hear a cough. Pepper's cough.
"What are you still doing here ?" She asks.
I twirl the stool back in her direction and raise my eyes quizzically.
"Me walking away was an invitation for you to come with me." She shakes her head with a small smile as if to say- Calls himself Genius, for what?
"Uhh.. what ?"
She rolls her eyes in exasperation and walks away speaking," I have some videos of you and Peter." As if knowing the impending statement that I would make 'I already have them', she interrupts me even before I speak." Videos that were taken unannounced. No one knows I took it."
"That's illegal." She shrugs. "How though?" I stammer, letting the silence followed be the greatest answer.
" I have got to have some secrets!"
I stand up flabbergasted and walk up to her. The mere fact that she knew me this well made me doubt if even I knew myself this much. I could give nothing but a sad smile, one of happiness to remember Peter, but also one of the fact that I remain powerless to bring him back.
Yet.
What is Love, I wonder. It isn't something that happens when you see the person you admire. It isn't the butterflies that you feel in your stomach. It isn't the feeling of being flustered when someone mentions you and them together. In fact, it is knowing the one you love inside-out and even knowing what they want even before they ask. It is making sacrifices for the happiness of others and them vice-versa.
Peter.
I never acknowledged it out loud but I know that he is like a son to me. And the same way I love Pepper and the sweet angel who is growing in her, I love Peter. And even if there is the slightest possibility that I can bring him back, I will take it.
I have to take it.
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