You have been sitting still on the toilet seat with the pregnancy kit result - It's been twenty five minutes. And you still can't collect your thoughts together. Your head hurts. You can't believe how absolutely reckless and foolish you had been. Probably It's God punishing you?
"Sarah, I don’t have condoms with me. Are you sure about this?" - you remember Matt's husky confused voice from that night. You want to get drowned in the middle of an ocean remembering your shameless desperate answer - "Matt, please. I want to take care of you. I want to feel you. I want to make you forget everything else for some time".
When it is about Matt, you have a savior kink and humiliation kink together. You can't help it. He disappears. Not even a text or message for months. Then one day he comes back to you being beaten up or emotionally exhausted. You clean his wounds, cook for him, feed him- then at one point it turns into sex which is almost meaningless to him like another shag but which is your unhealthy need to get as much of him you can manage. And no- it's not Matt's fault. You can't blame him. He made it very clear about who he is and where does he draw the boundary but you tried to break his walls again and again. You told him that it doesn’t and won't matter as long as it’s no strings attached. You two consensual adults were just having a good time. And only upon this conditions, he agreed. Then when it became quite a routine throughout the years, Matt didn’t stop ending up in your flat when he needed. May be the idea of free- no strings attached sex excited him too? You two never again talked about it or tried to define it again. It's like deep down inside your heart you know that Matt isn’t meant for home. Sometimes when life overwhelms him too much, he comes to you for some comfort. And you try your best to provide him with everything you have.
Yeah you know it’s extremely toxic. You have jeopardised your "could be the one" relationships so many times for him. But you chose to play with fire anyway.
Now what that have got you?
Probably you are going to lose him as well. There is no way he will not think that you encouraged unprotected sex that night on purpose. What if he never wants to see you again? Or suggests you to abort the child? Or never want to give the child recognition? Even though you know that Matt isn't a heartless monster but your hormones won't let you stop thinking about the worst possible. You break down into tears for now. You will have to call Matt in the morning. But for now you let yourself express the surge of emotions like some fierce flood through your eyes.