“Buck, the nurse said Steve is okay for visitors now”
Bucky’s breathing pauses. He wasn’t ready. He had been pushing this day back for months now. Sam had been begging him to go see Steve but he didn’t want to see Steve again, not like this. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. He thought he would never see Steve weak and fragile again, the serum fixed that. Yet now he sat in a hard wooden chair outside of the room where Steve was waiting. What if Steve didn’t remember him? What if he did? What would he say after all this time? What if this was the last time he got to-
“Bucky”
Why did Steve leave him behind? They were supposed to do this together. He had been gone for five years and the first thing he does once there’s a chance of him coming back is go back to the past to see P-
“Hey. Bucky. Get out of your head, look at me”
Bucky raises his eyes from the floor, meeting the blurred outline of Sam’s worried face. His nose crinkles as he sniffs, wiping his wet face. Sam’s eyebrows furrow as he raises his hand to rest on Bucky’s flesh shoulder, his finger tips pressing into the muscles under his hand.
“You are going to be fine. It’s okay. It’s your best friend go see him, he misses you.”
Bucky nods, pushing himself up from the chair as he feels Sam’s warm hand leave his shoulder.
“Yeah. Yeah, uh thanks. You can go- really I’ll be fine, I will just call a taxi or something once I’m-“
“Buck.”
“Yeah?”
“I’ll be right here. Go see your guy.”
Bucky nods, releasing a breath at the knowledge that he has at least one person that will wait for him. He turns toward the door, reaching for the handle, and opens the door.
“Hey, Stevie”
Steve raises his eyes from the journal resting in his lap. He grabs the red bookmark laying on his lap before tucking it in the journal and placing it to the side. His face wrinkles as it twists into a confused look.
“Oh. Hello, I don’t think we’ve met. It’s always nice to see a new face here.”
Bucky freezes. His shoes screeching across the white tiled floor as he stops making his way towards Steve. His blood runs cold as he comes to the realization; he doesn’t remember him. He was too late, he knew his memory was fading but he thought he had more time. He pulls himself together and sits in a chair next to Steves bed. He clears his throat in an attempt to prevent his voice from being shaky as he speaks.
“Yeah. Uh.. ma’ names James. It’s nice to see you.” He takes another shaky breath before asking “Watcha’ reading?”
“Oh this?” He reaches his shaky hand over to the side grabbing the tattered leather journal and placing it on his legs.
“It’s just one of my old sketching journals. Sometimes I look at the drawings, gets kinda hard to remember faces sometimes, ya know?”
“Yeah, I uh- I understand that.”
Of course he did. He forgot about everyone he ever knew thanks to Hydra. Hell, he didn’t even recognize his own reflection half of the time. Steves wrinkled face starring back at him was not one that he recognized, not anymore. Bucky sighed, guess they had something else in common.
“So, tell me about her,” said Bucky; glancing at the open page displaying the rough sketch of a familiar woman.
“That’s Peggy. She was a wonderful woman,” praised Steve, his lips curling up and his eyes crinkling as he traces the sketch with his fingers.
“She was beautiful, you should have seen her. Always trying to get me to dance, told her I wasn’t much of a dancer but that never stopped her. Always so determined.”
“Sounds like ya really loved her.” uttered Bucky, his eyes burning with unshed tears as he put on a fake smile for Steve.
“Loved? I wouldn’t call it love. As a friend sure, but more than that? I wouldn’t say that.”
What? Bucky’s heart started racing, beating against his chest. He was suddenly dizzy from all of the thoughts going through his head. Did he miss something? Maybe he heard it wrong. Yeah- that was it. He heard it wrong.
“You didn’t love her?”
“No, not in that way. She wasn’t the one I loved.”
Bucky snapped his eyes shut, replaying the words back in his head. She wasn’t the one he loved. He loved someone else, but who? He couldn’t ask, must have been a secret if he never heard about the girl that won his heart.
“Who?” Bucky blurted, his own eyes widening at his actions.
“He was my best friend. Always takin’ care of me. He was there when everyone else called me a lost cause, never made me feel left out. Used to beg me to stop startin’ fights with the neighborhood boys, said he wouldn’t always be there to patch me up, but he always was.” recalled Steve, his eyes lighting up in a way Bucky hasn’t seen since before the war, before the train.
Bucks lungs seized in his chest. His lips part as he sits in silence. He wasn’t talking about him- was he? But why didn’t he-
“Did you tell him?”
“No, I wish. I didn’t wanna lose him. He always had girls interested in him, figured he would be happier with one of them. I couldn’t risk scaring him off, would rather have had him as a friend than risk losing him completely. It’s hard lovin’ someone and spending your life with them knowing that they could never feel the same way. Cant remember much about him, I know I sketched him before but I don’t know where that journal went. I wish I could see him one last time, he always made me smile.”
To Steve, being with the man he loved was too hard. Too hard when he didn’t love him back. He couldn’t risk letting it slip that he loved Bucky. He didn’t want that rejection. He couldn’t lose him. If he left, at least he would know the the man he loved would have the chance to find the person he loved and live a life with them. Because in the end Bucky couldn’t have loved him back, he would have told him. If he left, he didn’t have to watch the man he loved fall in love with someone else.
Bucky couldn’t believe it. The man he had spent his life loving loved him back, and he never got to tell him. If he had told him back then what he meant to him he wouldn’t be here. Maybe they would have grown old together. Maybe he wouldn’t have left him. Maybe if he knew he would have stayed. Maybe instead of a care facility room they would be together in their own little place, happy and in love.
“Have you ever loved someone?”
“What?”
“Have you ever loved someone?” repeated Steve.
“Yeah, once. Still do.”
“You tell em’?”
“No, wish I did.”
“Well, maybe someday. Don’t wait until it’s too late.”
Steve put the leather journal to the side again, as he adjusted the pillows behind his back. He let out a yawn, using his shaky hand the cover his mouth as he did so.
“I better let you rest.” Bucky said, as he stood from his chair and walked to the door, his legs shaky.
“Visit again, will ya? It was nice having you around.”
Bucky turned around, giving Steve one last look as he replied,
“I will. Bye, Stevie.”
“Bye, Buck.”
It was one week later when Bucky opened his apartment door to find Sam looking at him like he was about to shatter his world. That night, Sam sat him down on the couch and told him that he got a call saying Steve had passed away in his sleep. That night, Bucky sat in silence with Sam as hot tears ran down his face as he realized his best friend, the man he loved, was gone. He would never see him again. He’d never get to tell Steve he loved him. He would never get to hear him say it back. He was too late. It was later that night when Sam had left with the promise that he would be over the next morning when Bucky realized that Steve had called him Buck. He remembered.