Useless
As my feet landed back on American soil, my stomach lurched. I keeled over slightly, fighting the nausea.
‘Jesus Christ, space travel isn’t for the faint of heart,’ I muttered through gritted teeth.
‘Alright, gangs all here- what the fuck are you wearing?’ Tony looked me up and down, gesturing to the Asgardian robes.
I rolled my eyes, ‘my suit was shredded, I had to make do.’
‘What, they don’t have good taste on Asgard? Here, this will suit you better,’ He tossed me a small pin, adorned with a pentagram. Funny, Stark. Ha Ha.
‘What the fuck am I supposed to do with this?’ I held up the pin and scrunched my face.
‘Its your nano-tech suit I’ve been working on, Elphaba. Press the center in.’
I raised my eyebrows, finally! Taking off my excess layers, I pinned the crest to my shirt and pressed it. The nanotech spread over my body quickly and I nodded approvingly, ‘perfect fit, thanks Tony.’ I glided my hands over the new suit.
‘You sound surprised, I’m more than my looks you know. Alright, everyone in the conference room for the second order of business.’
I took my respective seat as Steve took over, setting up the screen in front of us. My brain compartmentalized everything that had happened before I returned to Earth; there was no time to think about any of that. Not when your day-job is saving people.
‘After the bomb at the security company, four Hydra agents were arrested and interrogated. They’re built to withstand interrogation techniques so the only thing we got out of them is that this wasn’t going to be the last attack. Last night, we received a crisis call from our friends at SHIELD, alerting us of a security breach at their New York office headquarters. Unfortunately, this was a distraction,’ Steve swiped his hand at the screen to reveal an image of a building in ruins. I bit back a gasp when he said, ‘an apartment building on the same block exploded, resulting in sixty-four causalities and over two hundred severely injured. This is no longer just about politics, this-‘he swiped the screen again and I averted my eyes at the sight of the limp bodies littering the ground outside the apartment complex, ‘is terrorism.’
My mouth was dry. I wasn’t there. I could have helped.
‘We are now playing a waiting game; these people don’t leave paper trails. We have no idea when the next attack will be. We have the best agents trying to figure it out, but until then, we are on standby’ Tony said.
‘What, we're just supposed to sit around and wait? Sixty-four people are already dead, Tony’ Bucky said, his voice held a serious tone as his face twisted.
‘There’s nothing we can do. We have no way to predict what or when or if something will happen. If you want to help the agents and work the case, be my guest. But for now, we wait. Hermione, you’re benched until you’re fully healed.’
I scoffed and knitted my eyebrows together, ‘I’m ready, I can’t sit around here and do nothing if you guys get called out on a mission’ I said stubbornly.
‘Oh yeah? Here,’ He firmly set down the cup he was holding on the conference table and gestured to it theatrically, ‘move that.’
I rolled my eyes and flicked my wrist to fling the cup into the wall.
The cup moved an inch.
Shit.
‘That’s what I thought. The bomb took an extreme amount of energy and power for you to contain it, you need time to build your powers back up.’
I huffed, leaning back into my seat and crossing my arms. Great. I got called back here to do absolutely nothing. And I don’t even get to use my new suit.
I left the meeting feeling absolutely useless. I didn’t know if Loki was looking for me after, and I didn’t care. I headed straight to my room and closed the door behind me. I sighed, bitter, tired, sore. I took off my suit, replaced it with something more comfortable, and climbed into my bed. Useless.
I kept my distance from everyone for a few days, my ego severely bruised after being told no, when they got called into a mission and I suited up to go with them. I instead took copies of the current Hydra files and looked through them alone in my room.
On the fourth night of my protest, someone knocked on my door. When I didn’t answer, they cautiously turned the handle and let themselves in.
‘Its Friday, you didn’t come to team dinner. Not even I was allowed to ever skip that’ Loki said from the entrance.
I didn’t look up, and instead flipped a page in the files spread out across my bed, ‘I’m not hungry,’ I said shortly.
I heard him close the door behind him and step forward to place a plate at the foot of my bed, ‘I don’t think that was the reason.’ When I didn’t reply, he continued, ‘your stubbornness gets the better of you, love.’
I huffed to show my disinterest. He gave a short nod, ‘well then, Ill leave you be.’ He paused to look at me to see if I would protest, I just turned the page in the files again. He closed the door behind himself.
After a week, I woke up at 3:12 am in a panic. It was the most uncomfortable kind that left my skin crawling with memories. I didn’t often have nightmares of my life before leaving home, but when I did, they unsettled me deeply. My chested tightened and my breathing was deep and unrhythmic. I closed my eyes, willing my brain and body to calm. My hand mindlessly traced a faded scar on my side.
I knew sleep was not going to grace me again tonight, so I changed and made my way to the gym.
I let the emotions seep out from me through my fists and into a punching bag. Nightmares of my home life left me reminded of all the pain I’ve suffered at the hands of my family, and the reminder of that left me feeling gravely exasperated. The mixture of anger and vulnerability that built up inside me was bubbling up to the surface. I could feel the skin of my knuckles tearing more with each hit I landed.
‘Trouble sleeping?’ Loki called from the entrance. I’m sure he was hoping to startle me, but I didn’t allow him the satisfaction.
‘Leave me alone’ I said coldly, not taking my eyes off the punching bag.
He ignored me and stepped into the training room, maneuvering around the equipment littering the floor. ‘You seem troubled.’
‘Really, what gave you that impression?’ I landed another hit.
He must have been standing closer to me than I thought because when I went to hit the bag again he caught my wrist and spun me to face him, ‘you’re bleeding,’ he said, his eyebrows knitted together as he went to pull back the wrap twisted around my hand, but I yanked myself away from his grasp.
‘I said leave me alone.’ I shot him a serious look. I was in absolutely no condition to play his games.
He looked taken aback. His eyes were twisted into an emotion I couldn’t recognize. We stood there for a moment as he examined my face before he slowly said, ‘this isn’t just about the missions.’
I was vulnerable. All of my hurt and anger was coming through onto my face. I had never let anyone see me like this. With my history written on my skin. I couldn’t control it. I was so tired of hiding. All I could manage to say was, ‘I feel useless.’
I don’t know if he knew what I meant by it; that I was forever trapped in the pain of my past. That there would always be a version of me as a child in my home, vulnerable and defenseless. With my powers abandoning me, I was so weak. I was back in that house. Absolutely useless.
I didn’t notice that I was crying until he gingerly reached his hands up to hold my face, thumbs grazing my cheeks. His eyes were riddled with sympathy, and he said something that I couldn’t understand. I squeezed my eyes shut. I was so vulnerable.
He grazed his lips on my forehead and muttered something against it; I realized he was speaking Asgardian. I took a breath and it was shaky; I hated my body for betraying me. I held his wrists near my face tightly and buried my head in his shoulder. I didn't want him to see me like this. I didn't want anyone to see me like this.
He placed another kiss on my temple, then on my ear, whispering in-between the actions. I was breaking underneath him. He moved his hands from my face to press one at the nape of my neck, and the other on my back. I curled my fists up against his chest and let my emotions pour out.
He kept trailing kisses on my face and whispering. Even though I didn't know what he was saying, it was so comforting. I realized in that moment that no one had ever comforted me before with the careful kindness that he was offering now.
I gave a slow, even breath, wiping the ruminants of tears from my eyes before pulling away from him. As I did, he left one final kiss on my temple. He gave me a look that asked me if I was okay, so I nodded.
He gave me a gentle smile before taking my hand, 'come, I'll make you a coffee. I don't think either of us are going back to sleep tonight.'