It was late, but he was still up. He would never admit it, but Steve was waiting up for Bucky. Bucky had taken a couple of pretty girls dancing. He had asked Steve to go with, like he always does. But Steve hadn’t been in the mood to watch the love of his life sweep some beautiful woman off her feet, while he clumsily dances with her friend. He lied and said he was sick, wanted to stay home and rest. Bucky offered to stay back with him, but Steve didn’t want to hold his friend back. It was not fair to him. Afterall, Steve wasn’t much of a dancer anyways. So now Steve sits on the couch, legs up, sketching and nursing a glass of whiskey, waiting.
He stares intently at his drawing, trying to get the line of the brunettes face perfect from memory. He had drawn his friend tons of times before, yet he swore he could never get the features to reflect the beautiful man just right. Nothing could compare to the real thing, like the way he looks in the morning he doesn’t have to get up for work and sleeps in, allowing Steve to wake up first, to stare at him as he sleeps peacefully in the bed across their shared bedroom. Or how he looks when his lips tighten up with anxiety on cold nights, because he worries that Steve will get sick from the cold. On nights like that, he craws into the blonde’s tiny twin bed and pulls him close. Steve, in those moments, could pretend that Bucky wanted him the same way that he wanted Bucky. He could memorize the way the brunette looks pressed against him.
He is so focused on his sketch, that he is jumps when he hears the door open. He quickly closes his sketch book, quietly placing it on the floor near the couch. Steve shivers as the cold air from outside rushes in before Bucky can close the door. Steve looks up at Bucky from where he sits. Bucky is clumsily hanging up his coat, swaying slightly. He’d been drinking…a lot. Steve could tell in his movements. His thoughts were confirmed as Bucky walks closer, the smell of cheap liquor wafting off of him.
“Hey Stevie…” He slurs as he plops down on the couch where Steve’s feet were, the blonde quickly moving them out of the way.
“Hey, Buck. How was your night?” Steve tries to sound interested, tries to make it sound like is not asking out of his own masochist curiosity.
“Would’ve been better if you were there.” Bucky says matter-of-factly.
Steve tries hard not to blush. He knows Bucky doesn’t mean anything romantically. Bucky isn’t “funny” like him. He knows that Bucky just hates him sitting at home, he wants him to go have fun. But those double dates are never fun for Steve. He has no interest in any of the nice, pretty girls Bucky brings around, and let’s be honest, most have no interest in him. But he doesn’t say all that, opting instead to say “Buck, dancing’s just not my thing. I’m not really good at it.”
Bucky’s eyes suddenly light up, an idea forming through the thick fog of drunkenness. He gets to his feet, holding out his hand, drunken smile plastered across his face. “Stevie, how…how about I show you how to dance?!” Bucky is practically shouting, not being the quietest drunk.
Steve would laugh at how obviously messed up Bucky was if his heart wasn’t beating out of his chest. Again, he knows Bucky is just trying to help him, nothing weird or romantic. Bucky has always just wanted the best for him, that’s one of the reasons Steve loves him. But the thought of Bucky holding him close and teaching him to dance, causes him to blush like crazy, pink tinting his face. Luckily Bucky seems too drunk to notice. “Um…I’m good, Buck.” Steve replies, trying to seem nonchalant, hoping he isn’t failing miserably at that.
“Aww come on! You always say you are no good at dancing, so how are you going to get better without practicing? Please, buddy?” Bucky puts on an exaggerated pouty face and sticks out his hand again to the man on the couch. And Steve, despite his reservations, is powerless to say no. So, he hesitantly takes the brunette’s hand, letting himself be pulled up off the couch.
Bucky is already swaying slightly from the alcohol as he puts his hands on Steve’s hips. He says “Okay, so you’re going to be the pretty gal.” Steve shoots him a look, a mixture of embarrassment and annoyance. “Why do I have to be the girl?”
Bucky shoots him a cocky grin “Because I gotta show you how a strapping gentleman, like myself,” he jokes before continuing “holds their partner. So just pretend, Stevie.” He lowers his voice and adds “Plus, you already do the pretty part so well.”
Steve has to bow his head to prevent Bucky from seeing the red that spreading across his face. Did he hear Bucky right? Did he just call him “pretty?” He was so lost in his thoughts, he stood frozen with Bucky’s hands on his hips. Bucky clears his throat to get his attention. “Hey, you gotta put your hands on my shoulders.” This snaps the blonde back to the moment. “Oh, um yeah. Sorry.” He says quickly, before he puts his arms over Bucky’s broad shoulders.
“So, I’m leading.” Bucky says confidently as he starts to move his feet, Steve trying to follow, but clumsy feet cause him to step on Bucky’s feet almost immediately. He freezes again. “I’m so sorry, see I can’t do this.” Steve goes to pull away, but Bucky stops him. “It’s okay, Stevie. I’m tough. You can’t break me.” Steve can feel Bucky’s warm breath across his face as the brunette holds onto him, refusing to let go. All Steve can do in response is nod.
Bucky starts moving his feet again, Steve tries to follow. He feels a little silly without music playing but if Bucky feels the same way, he ain’t showing it. Eventually they get into a good rhythm, and Steve even manages to not step on Bucky’s feet as much. For a moment, Steve gets lost in their movements, forgetting his nerves, and just enjoying this now. He instinctively smiles up at Bucky…and Bucky smiles back. Bucky whispers “You’re getting good at this. I wish you would dance with me all the time.”
Steve suddenly freezes “What?”
Bucky stops as Steve does, still holding on to him, not letting go. “I said, I wish you would dance with me all the time.” Steve has to look away, his emotions too obvious on his face. He pathetically replies “You got plenty of pretty girls that want to dance with you, Buck. You don’t need me to dance with ya’. Don’t be ridiculous.”
Bucky’s face drops into a frown as he whispers, “I’m not being ridiculous. I don’t want to dance with those girls…I want to dance with you.” Bucky pushes his face impossibly close to Steve as he speaks. Steve wants to let himself read into this. But Bucky is drunk and knows he will probably forget this all in the morning. Bucky has always been a sappy, sentimental drunk and tonight is no different Steve reminds himself. So, instead he pulls away and Bucky reluctantly let’s go. “Let’s get you to bed, okay?”
“Yeah, okay.” Buck says sadly. Steve grabs him by the wrist and gently pulls him to their bedroom.
“Sit down on your bed and I’ll grab your pajamas.” He says softly. Bucky is usually taking care of Steve, so nights like this, Steve liked taking care of Bucky, even as he tried to push Bucky’s comments out of his brain. Steve goes to the dresser to grab something warm for the other man. When he turns around, he sees that Bucky is sitting on his(Steve’s) bed. “Buck? I told you to go to your bed.” He says as he steps closer.
“Its cold tonight, Stevie. Let’s keep each other warm.” Steve knows when he says things like that, Bucky means he wants to keep Steve warm. Bucky is always the one looking out for him, but he tries not to make Steve feel bad. But Steve knows that Bucky doesn’t need him to stay warm. He wants to say yes, and feel the other man’s arms around him, but with those sweet words Bucky said earlier, Steve is worried he’ll let himself get lost in his own fantasies. So, as he hands Bucky the pajamas he says “It’s alright, Buck. I’ll be fine tonight.” Steve is right in front of Bucky now.
Bucky frowns again, and whispers something inaudible. Steve looks down at his friend. “What did you say?” Bucky looks up to meet Steve’s eyes. The brunette’s eyes look almost glassy, like he was about to cry. “I said, why don’t you want me?” For the first time, Steve notices the sadness in Bucky’s face. It breaks Steve’s heart. He isn’t even focused on the words that left the brunette’s mouth and what they mean. All he can focus on are the icy blue eyes boring into him, filled with so much emotion.
He stares back for a long time, unable to make himself respond. He is afraid to say the wrong thing. Steve could rationalize away everything else that was said or done tonight, but this, he could not. Bucky asked him why he doesn’t want him. Drunk or not, a friend doesn’t just say that to another friend. Steve wants so badly to tell him the truth, to tell him that he has been in love with him since they were 15, probably even before then, he just hadn’t known what being in love had meant. To be honest Steve had known since they were children that when he pictured his perfect future, it always involved Bucky. He wants to tell Bucky all of this, but years of training himself to keep it down, had left him frozen.
After what seems like an eternity, Bucky says “Fuck. Please forget I said anything.” He hurriedly stands up, gently pushing Steve out of the way. “I…I think I am going to sleep on the couch tonight.” He grabs the pajamas out of Steve’s hand and rushes to the door of their bedroom. It’s obvious that he’s embarrassed. Steve tries to call out for him, but it is too late. Bucky is already out of the room.
Steve wants to go after him, wants to make it better. But he decides Bucky probably wants to be left alone. Steve sits down on his bed, suddenly exhausted. He wanted so badly to tell Bucky how much he loves him, how desperately he wants him, needs him. But he couldn’t bring himself to do it. He was too afraid. What if Bucky sobers up tomorrow and realizes what he said and regrets it? Steve cannot risk putting his heart out there, just for Bucky not to have felt the same come morning. So instead, he stays in his bed, and despite exhaustion, has a long and restless night.
The next morning, Steve awakens, not at all well rested. He looks over at Bucky’s empty bed and frowns to himself. Bucky does not work today so most mornings like this, he would be in bed still, sleeping peacefully as Steve stares, taking in the beautiful site in front of him. But the events of last night play back in his mind, how the brunette left to go sleep on the couch. He feels terrible that he didn’t go after him, but he was worried he would only make it worse.
He forces himself out of bed, throwing on his clothes and shuffling to the front room that houses their living space and kitchen. Bucky was still asleep on the couch in just his undershirt and underwear. The warm pajamas Steve gave him are on the table still. He looks uncomfortable but Steve does not want to disturb him. So, he walks to the kitchen, putting on the kettle to make some coffee. After a few minutes though he hears footsteps behind him. He turns around to find a disheveled Bucky standing nearby. “G ’morning, Stevie.”
“Hey.” Steve replies as he turns his attention back to the kettle on the stove. “How you feeling?”
“My head is killing me.” He mumbles as he fills a mug with water from the kitchen sink. “But, um other than that, I’m fine.”
Steve frowns to himself. Just as he suspected, Bucky doesn’t remember anything from the night before, and the drunken confession. He guesses it is better that way. Bucky could never truly feel the same about him. He forces himself to sound nonchalant as he replies “That’s good. You were pretty drunk last night.” Steve turns his head slightly to flash a small smile before turning back to the kettle.
“Steve, you don’t have to pretend you don’t remember what happened last night.” Bucky says in response, seeing through Steve’s force laxed attitude. “I’m really sorry about that, man.”
“It’s really okay. No big deal.” Steve replies, not looking behind him, in case his face gave away his lie. How he couldn’t stop thinking about it, wanting it to be true.
No, it’s not, I crossed a line last night.” Bucky says sternly, feeling terrible for coming on to his best friend.
Steve lets out an exasperated sigh, finally turning to look at his friend. “People say absurd things when they are drunk. You don’t have to worry about it. I know you don’t really like me like some dame. I get it.”
Bucky steps closer, putting less than a foot between them. “No, you don’t get it. I didn’t say some “absurd” thing. I meant everything I said last night. And that’s why I’m sorry. It’s not fair to put that on you. And you don’t have to talk to me anymore if you don’t want, I still will be here for you if you need me. But…” His voice gets quiet, almost scared sounding. He looks to the ground “Please don’t tell no one. I don’t want people to know I like fellas.”
Steve’s head is spinning. Bucky just confessed to liking him like that, completely sober. And now the strongest, toughest guy he knows is standing there, scared that someone will find out his secret. Steve knows the feeling all too well. “Buck, I would never do that to you.” His voice is gentle. He holds his breath as Bucky looks up from the ground. The brunette doesn’t say anything, so Steve continues on. “Can I ask you something…please?”
“Yea, sure.” He says quietly, like he is afraid everything around them will break if he is too loud.
“Do you want to…um date me?” Steve bites his lip. He knows how stupid the question sounds but wants to be sure…completely sure. He can’t handle the rejection if he is wrong.
“Steve, man, why are you doing this?” He feels like Steve is making fun of him, pulling on his heart. He gets defensive. “I already told you that I everything I said last night is true. What more do you want from me? To tell you that I love you?” He is sounding more urgent, frustrated, embarrassed as he continues. “Because I do! I do love you. I’ve been in love with you since we were kids. And I know its weird and gross. I am a freak. I get that we are two guys, and I should be happy with some girl. But I’m not, okay? And if you don’t want to live with me anymore, its okay. I appreciate that you said you won’t tell. But you don’t have to live with some queer. I know its not right. I get…” Suddenly he is cut off by a pair of soft lips against his. The kiss is gentle and sweet. Bucky doesn’t kiss back out of pure surprise.
Steve pulls back, just as wide eyed and confused as Bucky. He doesn’t know why he did it but hearing Bucky say he is in love him, turned something on in Steve’s head. He could hear Bucky berating himself and Steve wanted to put a stop to it. So, he did the first thing that came to his mind. He kissed him. Steve chances a tiny smile at Bucky, as the other man gets his bearings.
“Stevie? What…why did you kiss me?” Bucky says, still in shock.
“I just wanted to.” Steve is now blushing, praying that he didn’t make a huge mistake. “Did…did you like it?”
Bucky clears his throat, reminding himself to breathe. The shade of red covering his face matching Steve’s. “Yea…but does that mean…um…” He can’t say it out loud.
“Yes, I like you too. I love you, jerk. “Steve thankfully answers without Buck needing to finish.
Bucky’s mouth turns into the biggest, brightest smile he has ever seen. He steps closer to Steve wrapping his arms around the smaller man’s waist. “I love you, too, punk.” He is looking down, staring straight into the bright blue eyes of the other man, who is looking at him with an equally big grin. Both men had been so oblivious of the other’s feelings, but now the truth was finally out there. They could be together, even if they had to keep it their little secret.
This time Bucky takes the lead, pressing his lips against the blonde’s. The kiss was tender and loving and everything they had both hoped it would be. It was better than any dream or fantasy. When they pull their mouths apart, still desperately holding onto each to make sure this wasn’t a dream, Bucky laughs softly before asking. “So, does this mean, you’ll dance with me all the time?”
“As long as it’s with you, how can I say no?” Steve smiles back. And with that, Bucky starts swaying gently, holding Steve against him, as they dance without song in the middle of their tiny kitchen.