In an actually rather cozy house there was sat a man you wouldn't belive the house would belong to. It was a warmly welcoming home, pictures hanging from the walls, healthy plants and all neat and tidy furniture. If you would be to come across this man you would probably think that he would life of the most necessarily things, a room filled with nothing but the most needed things, a simple mattress laying on the ground, a few utensils and things in the kitchen for food and coffee making, a chair and a who knows how old TV in the corner. But no against all means the man who sat in this house was not what people expected him to be.
Surely he was a man who didn't want people to think any diffent than they already did. He didn't trust people, no one. Not even himself. And with a trembling breath he pushed down the door handle to get into his therapist office. It was a clean and cool environment, something his house wasn't. His face let no emotion show, just a blank stare at his therapist, he hated this place, thinking it was foolish.
"Are you going to speak? Or will you give me the silent treatment?" He always thought that his therapist was way to noisy. He didn't say anything just slightly tilted his head.
"Alright." His therapist sighted pulling out a little note book. Finally the man spoke up "oh come on, you're doing the text book thing on me, really?" He was visibly annoyed. "If you would decide to talk to me James everything could be just slightly more easier." He rolled his eyes and at the same time the therapist started scribbling something down. "You got to be kidding." She ignored his little comment. Silence filled the room again.
That was the way every single session of them went. Silence and disbelieve.
Annoyance and judging.
"Go get urself some friends."
"I do have friends." He did have friends but he just didn't want to bother anyone. "I don't know why I am back here, I thought I was off to do what I want." Given that he was once again forced to attend these therapy sessions after being free from them he was considerably pissed. "You know why, the government thought it would be of great interest for everyone to have you back."
He scoffed, looking at the time. Only one minute left. "I'm out." The therapist just nodded.
Not even ten minutes had passed and he got a call from someone he knew a bit better, maybe even a friend. He answered. "What do you want Sam?" They hadn't had a word in good 3 weeks. "Are you interested in a little fun?" Instanly he knew it would be a mission to attend and how would he even be able to say no to such an opportunity.
After all that was what he was made for, war and destruction.
As they arrived at the spot where they where supposed to be, a few bad people already walked around the facility and his body filled with adrenaline. His arm screeching a little as the vibranium plates touched together. He definitely had to take better care of that thing.
"You're getting rusty old man." His partner stated with a grin. A grin wich was just too pure.
"Oh for gods sake." Sam hissed as they just finished to fight of a bunch of people and somehow there still were more on their way.
"Bucky head down!" He yelled and with full trust that his partner heard him he threw something at one of the bunch of people that came a bit to close to his partner.
It was just after the fighting when Bucky shot a hush glance over to Sam.
He catched himself looking a bit to tensly.
'Focus goddammit your a soilder not a fool, no feeling no nothing. Just a mission.' Sam noticed Bucky looking at him just the second that his head moved away. He didn't think of it as anything special, he probably just checked if he was alright. But he also could've sworn that he caught a glimpse of actuall worry in his partners eyes, in the exact same ones that usually were blank and cold.
Deciding to go and walk together Sam thought it was weird how his partner just didn't even once look at him. Usually Bucky was that kind of person who would stare the last remainings of someones soul out of their body. And just maybe he knew why he always was so distant, shielding himself from any kind of emotions.
In a life of a soilder emotions and attachments made someone vulnerable and Bucky never had a life other than being a soilder, he was born in war and he was made for war. Sure there wasn't any war to be fought anymore but in his mind there was probably constantly one playing.
Thinking about how Bucky probably had no hard feelings about him made him kind of sad, thinking about how when he would get shot his partner probably wouldn't be mourning or grieving. Kind of funny how opinions change from person to person. Because at the same time that Sam's head tilted to the ground thinking about how his partner probably didn't care, Bucky was thinking about how he cared way to much about his partner and right at the moment when both wanted to speak up a noise appeared and one of the men fell to the ground.
"Sam!" The man with an arm made out of metall yelled out. The man on the ground was bleeding, having a hard time keeping his eyes open. "No, no, no. Stay awake Sam! Stay awake!" He didn't want things to end this way didn't want the person he cared for that much to end up dying in his arms.
First thing he did was getting both of them behind a building, then immediately trying to stop the bleeding with bandaging it with a piece of cloth. His eyes went to meet his partners that were partially closed. They couldn't stay there.
As Sam woke up he was laying on something soft. Opening his eyes he saw a comfy living room, pictures hanging from the walls and healthy plants standing around. To get a closer look at his suroundings he wanted to stand up only to fail at the attempt of getting up, a sharp pain went trough his body and as he put his hand on his side under his shirt he felt a bandage wrapped around it, slowly turning bloody as he looked at it. Slightly cursing at himself he tried again to get up, just to fail once again. He let himself sink into the softness again. "Don't move Idiot." A familiar voice stated from behind him. "Bucky?" And indeed it was his partner that made his way around the couch he was laying on with a first aid kit in his hand. "I'll change the bandage." Even if Sam would've wanted to disagree he wouldn't even have had the time to say anything because as soon as Bucky had said what he was going to do he already had lifted his shirt up enough that the bandage was visible. Taken aback by his action he slightly jumped as cold metall touched his stomach. "Where are we? Did u break into someone's house?" Sam tried to joke around so Bucky wouldn't realise how he tensed up with every touch of his partner. "It's mine." Sam took another glance at the house, there was no way this belonged to the same man that was patching him up currently. "You're lying. No way this is your home." No reaction, his partner said the truth.
As Bucky tightened the new bandage Sam hissed as it was just slightly to tight. "My bad." Bucky loosened it a bit and tucked away the ends. But instead of pulling his hands away immediately they rested just a bit to long on the other man's stomach and when the moment of realisation hit him he pulled them away in an instant. "All done. Fancy some pain killers?" Sam nodded.
As Bucky gave him a glass of water and a pill their hands slightly touched when Sam took the glass of water out of Bucky's hand, sending a little shock trough his body. He knew that he would have to stop whatever was going on in his head about his partner but sharing how often he had tried before would've been embarrassing. He slowly sat up and drank the water with slightly shaking hands.
"I didn't imagine you to have such a cozy home Buck." Sam said once again looking around. "Kind of thought you'd rather be the kind of guy to sleep on a mattress in a blank room." Bucky didn't comment on that just looked in every direction but Sam's.
Sam sighted, sometimes he hated how his partner just didn't let any emotions trough.
"You know you're allowed to be human Bucky, right? You're not just a machine not needing to be a soilder. Just human like me or any other. You're allowed to have feelings and emotions." Sam never really saw a diffrent expression than stir nothingness, right to this moment but he could've sworn there had been a slight hint of question and something he couldn't put his finger on in the man's eyes infront of him.
Bucky didn't look at him 'did he notice something?'
Did he notice the looks he gave him? Did he notice that he actually cared about Sam? Did he notice that he panicked just a second ago?
"I just like to stand my guard." That wasn't a lie, Bucky really did feel a constant need to protect himself. Considering this, he was visibly shocked when Sam laid his hand on his metall arm. Everyone always tried to get around touching that thing, it afterall was a weapon made for war belonging to a man made for war. "What are you doing?" Bucky took away his arm, he didn't want to hurt him. He didn't trust himself enough to be sure that he wouldn't hurt anyone. "I'm trying to tell you that I trust you." Sam looked right into Bucky's eyes.
"And I don't care if you don't care about me or if you want to keep up that cold fassade. I just want you to know that I'm not leaving." Bucky's heart ached as he heard Sam's voice saying that he didn't care, of course that was what he wanted, or atleast what he told himself was the best thing for Sam to think.
But in that very moment something in Bucky's mind changed. 'Fuck it'.
"I do care, that's the issue." Bucky's head fell and he faced the ground for a while till he spoke up again and looked back at Sam. "I don't want to care, I don't want to think about what might happen, I don't want to mourn and grief when you die because it would break me. I'm a soilder acting like a fool. Hell I don't even deserve to call myself a soilder." Bucky was way to close to breaking completely down as he would've fancied right at that moment. He felt vulnerable.
Sam wasn't sure as to what he was supposed to say, he didn't expect that, he always thought his partner was that distant because Bucky didn't like him. "I shouldn't have said anything." Bucky sounded somewhat broken as he got up to go away. Without thinking Sam reached out for Bucky's hand. "Stay." And Bucky actually sat down again. "You're not a fool but you also don't have to be a soilder anymore. Everyone has something that makes them vulnerable that's what makes us human. You shouldn't look at it as a weakness but much rather as something that makes you be Bucky and not your other you anymore." Bucky sighted.
For the first time his expression visibly softened and a hint of pain was laid in it. 'Pain?' Sam was confused as to what pained him when looking at Sam.
Bucky felt like breaking down, never was he that vulnerable in his life and yet the man infront of him didn't take advantage of it. No, he did something completely diffent by taking Bucky's metall hand into his own.
The cold metall touching his skin sent a shiver down his spine but he ignored it for Bucky's sake.
"Why?" Bucky's voice was a little husky but still understandable. "Because I care." Sam spoke the truth, he did care, even if a little too much. And the moment Bucky looked at him and actually smiled he felt like he was going to have a little heart attack. There were multiple occasions were he had imagined a smile from this man but never would've he thought to actually see it with his own eyes.
"Smiling suits you." Sam tried to shake away his nervousness with a snarky comment just to fall even deeper into an already to deep hole of feelings when Bucky chuckled.
"How did you even manage to get me to loosen up with just a few stupid little words?" Buckys words hit and his eyes landed just for a quick moment on Sam's lips before shooting up again to meet his eyes. Sam's cheeks slightly darkened as he realised where his opponents eyes laid a second before. "Doesn't it feel better not to be acting all tough and cold?" Sam wanted to start a conversation as he slowly couldn't bear the tension anymore that accured.
"It makes me want to be someone I locked away a long time ago and I hate it." Sam looked at him with mixed thoughts. What could he mean? Sam wanted to speak up again and ask him what he meant but when he realised that Bucky hadn't once looked away from him his eyes wandered of anywhere but to Bucky and his voice failed for a few seconds. Who would've guessed that casual Bucky would drive him insane like that?
Bucky got really anxious as Sam didn't give him a single look. Maybe he read his partner wrong? Maybe he was wrong in guessing that he wasn't alone with his feelings? Maybe all of this was a big mistake? Maybe he would've left the states just by tomorrow so he wouldn't have had to deal with this ever again?
"You're really something." Sam had found his voice again. "First you don't let anything trough and now you act as if nothing had ever been diffrent before, as if you had always been that open and the fact that it feels like it never had been diffrent is even worse. It is like a bad cliche movie where the high school bully suddenly opens up and confesses all their hidden feelings." A little pause set as Bucky chuckled once again. "See, the only thing that is missing is a kiss. You gonna pull that of aswell?" Sam clearly did not think before speaking and wished to just die an immediate death. It was just the second that made him go even more crazy in his head when Bucky actually looked down at his lips for a brief moment.
Sam panicked and thought of excuses. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say stuff to make you uncomfortable you're probably pretty dense with that stuff considering the time you were born around and-" Sam had no time to speak one word more as his lips were sealed with another pair. His hands were slightly raised in the air as he was shocked by whatever was happening. But the moment he knew what was going on his hands fell into his own lap and he kissed back the person kissing him, their hands resting on Sam's hips.
As the two men broke apart resting their foreheads together questions rose in the ones mind and in the other ones worry.
"Please don't tell me you hate me." It was Bucky to speak up first. "Hate you? I just let you kiss me." Bucky chuckled, even though by now it wasn't the first time that Sam had heard him chuckle, it still made his body go all warm. "But why? Why would you kiss me?" Sam leaned away from Bucky. Bucky sighted. "Because I care too much and I'm being a fool for you." Bucky got scared, maybe he shouldn't have kissed him, he remembered how he wasn't allowed to play a fool, he was a soilder and wanted to take back his hands from Sam's hips. "No don't." Sam laid his hands over Bucky's and held in for a second, searching for words to say.
"You aren't a fool, nor a soilder nor whatever u may think of yourself right in this moment, you are James Bucky Barnes." Sam looked Bucky into his eyes and saw panic but also trust and leaned forward to place a kiss on the other man's lips.