Unraveling
Ryan searched for Sophie, tirelessly, looking for her at her apartment, the station, and even an old hangout spot they used to frequent during their academy days. It seemed as if Sophie had vanished into thin air. Exhausted and disheartened, Ryan eventually found herself back in her own apartment, sitting in the middle of her living room floor.
In her lap, she held a box filled with unmailed letters she had written to Sophie over the past few months. When Ryan finally decided she wanted to stop running from her pain, she knew she couldn't reappear in Sophie's life in the same state she had been in when she left. She needed to be in a better place, both emotionally and mentally, so she could rebuild what she had destroyed with Sophie.
The weight of her actions, and the way she had handled everything would bore down on her every day. All she wanted was to repair the damage she had caused. To address her grief and guilt over not being able to save her mom, when saving lives was her job. Her mom was on her way to the store to shop for the dinner that Ryan asked her to make for them. Ryan sought the help of a grief counselor. This led her to write letters of apology to her mom, to herself, and to Sophie.
The pages of raw, unfiltered, and unedited emotions sat in her lap, a testament to the journey of self reflection and healing she had embarked on. As she held those letters, Ryan hoped that it would allow Sophie a look into the broken pieces she had become in her worst state of her grief, and would assist in mending the fences between them. All she wanted her to know was that she understood running away the way she did was the worst mistake of her life, and that she regretted it every day.
While Ryan spent her moments hoping that the shared memories of what they had would be the tie that would eventually pull her and Sophie back together, Sophie was spending her moments wishing those same memories away, and the feelings that were constantly accosting her along with them. But just like Ryan, the more Sophie tried to fight against the current of this love that haunted her, the deeper she seemed to sink into it.
Stolen moments of love and laughter hidden within the firehouse's walls had become a fun, forbidden game between Ryan and Sophie during late night shifts. It had been six months that they’d been wrapped up in this secret love affair, and their bond seemed to intensify and grow deeper by the day. The dim light in the corner of the equipment room created an intimate atmosphere, casting a warm glow on their faces as they exchanged stolen kisses, whispers and soft flirtatious giggles.
Sophie playfully nibbled at Ryan’s earlobe, grinning as she squirmed within her arms.
Ryan groaned, feeling the warmth of Sophie’s mouth and tongue massaging the sensitive spot on her neck that had her body tingling. "You’re going to get us caught," she whispered. Her mouth seemed as if she was warning her that they needed to stop, but the hold that she had on the back of Sophie’s neck said otherwise.
Reluctantly, Sophie pulled away from Ryan, to look her in the eyes. “Would that be such a bad thing?” she wondered, although she knew that there were reasons as to why it probably wasn’t a good idea, that she was purposely omitting at that moment. “I just want to be with you, Ryan, openly,” she stressed. “I want people to know that we’re together, and that I’m head over heels in love with you.”
Ryan caressed Sophie’s face, the seriousness of her statement resonating exactly with what Ryan wanted as well, but she knew it wasn’t that simple. They both did. “You know I want that more than anything, Soph, but…you know there is no way that they would allow us to be in the same firehouse if they know we are together,” she regrettably reminded her. “We’ve both worked so hard for these positions, especially you. You’re on an amazing track, and you know Chief Jacob is going to try and use anything to give Taveroff an edge above you when another promotion comes up.
“I don’t care...”
Ryan grinned, unconvinced, and knowing Sophie wasn’t anymore convinced with those words coming out of her mouth either.
“Yes I do,” she corrected herself, before Ryan could.
“When the time is right, we’ll tell the whole world about us. Maybe one day, we’ll just pop up and get married. There might be little they can do then,” she proposed, just filled with a gleeful giddness, not really considering how realistic her thought was.
"You're such a tease.” Sophie grinned. “You know, now I’m not going to be able to get the thought of marrying you out of my head...” Tenderly, she kissed her lips.
“You’re thinking about us getting married, I’ll be thinking about the honeymoon night.” Ryan’s teeth trapped her bottom lip, as lust filled her eyes and a groan at the sheer thought escaped her lips. “How about this, even if we can’t really be out at work, that doesn’t mean we can’t let our families know, now. We can just explain to them that it’s important that we keep it private at work. Maybe we can have dinner at my place, with our moms and Jordan.”
The smile that spread across Sophie’s face melted Ryan’s heart it was so pure and full of joy. “I love that. Yes, let’s do that!”
“Great, I’ll call my mom tonight. You know she looks for any reason to cook a big meal.” Ryan giggled just as they heard the door of the equipment room open.
Quickly they pulled apart, Ryan giving Sophie a quick wink before she rounded the corner to make her exit.
Ryan's ability to get under Sophie’s skin had reawakened the pain she had worked so hard to bury. She sat in her truck, by the water, unable to shake the emotions that had resurfaced. She didn’t want to care why Ryan left. She didn’t want to yearn for Ryan, to miss her touch, and the way she had the power to calm her entire soul with just a single touch. She didn’t want to love her, but she did, just as much as she did the day she left.
By now, it was the early hours of the morning. Unable to find peace, Sophie found her way to Ryan's apartment. She stood outside the door, her heart pounding in her chest as she gathered the courage to confront her.
Ryan, unable to sleep herself, had moved from the floor to the couch. She was startled by the unexpected knock on her door, especially at this hour in the morning.
“Who is it?” she called out, as she got up and approached the door. There wasn’t a response, but when she looked out the small hole in her door, her heart leapt into her throat.
“Open the door,” Sophie’s voice softly commanded. Even through the door, she could hear that at some point in the night, she’d found herself overwhelmed by her emotions and riddled with tears.
When Ryan opened the door, Sophie immediately invited herself in. She was on a mission to finally put an end to this, say what she needed to say to Ryan, and make it clear to her that there was no going back for them.
“I looked for you,” she relayed, as she shut the door behind her.
“How did that feel?” Pettiness held strong in her words.
Ryan braced herself for the showdown it was evident would take place, but this was what she wanted. As they stood in Ryan's living room, the tension between them was simmering with a promise of an eruption, when it was all said and done.
“How could you just leave like that?” Sophie cut to the chase.
Almost immediately, tears welled up in Ryan's eyes, as she felt herself being mentally transported back to the day that her mother died. "I felt like I was suffocating, Sophie. I didn't know how to handle it. I didn't want to drag you down with me."
"How could you do that to me Ryan, to ME!"
Ryan stepped closer to her. "Sophie, I'm sorry." She grasped her face within her hands. Pulling Sophie's face down to hers. She stared deep into her eyes, searching desperately for hope, anything that would give Ryan a sign not to give up fighting for her. "I regret the way I left you every day, Sophie. I love you so much." Her voice was strained.
Sophie's aching heart beat like drums in her ears as she stared into Ryan’s eyes and listened to her.
"Just tell me what I need to do to make this right, Soph, please. I need you." Her pleas weakened Sophie. Ryan took a chance… She leaned up, tenderly placing her lips against Sophie's.
Sophie's eyes shut, the will in wanting to resist being defeated by the longing in her heart for this woman.
The details of that day were still so painfully vivid and etched into Ryan’s memory. It had started like any other day, with the team responding to an emergency call, but as they approached the scene, Ryan felt a chill run down her spine. At once, she knew that day would be like none other that she’d ever experienced. The twisted metal and shattered glass that was a result of the delivery truck that had run the red light and t-boned the Toyota Camry with the unmistakable license plate was quickly recognized by Ryan as her mother's car.
Her heart was pounding at a terrifying speed as Ryan leaped from the fire truck and sprinted toward the wreckage, her mind racing with fear and disbelief. It felt as if she was having an out-of-body experience. She could hear herself screaming for her mom, but somehow her body felt frozen in place.
“Ryan, Ryan…you know you can’t work on her…let the squad handle it.” Luke held onto her, acting as a barrier between Ryan and the nightmare behind him. The determination to get to her mother gave her an unrecognizable strength, because she was able to push past Luke to be at her mother's side. Luke, recognizing the danger and the emotional turmoil that they were all facing, called for extra hands at the scene from another station that Sophie so happened to be moonlighting at for the day.
“Mom!!” she screamed, as her team held her back, their strong arms restraining her to keep her safe. “Mom, I’m here! You’re going to be okay. Move, let me go! I need to help her!” Ryan struggled against their grip. She watched in horror as the EMTs removed her mother from the car. They worked frantically to save her life, administering CPR and delivering shocks with a defibrillator, but nothing seemed to help. Her mother's body was limp and unresponsive, her face pale and lifeless.
She stood by, helplessly, as the EMTs loaded her mother into the ambulance. “I’m going with her!” Ryan yelled, charging toward the ambulance, climbing in the back as they worked tirelessly to bring her back. She sat still in the corner of the ambulance, never having felt so useless in her life. “Mom, please, please don’t give up.” Uncontrollable tears streamed down her face. “HURRY UP!” She banged her fist on the back of the cabin window.
When they arrived at the hospital, and the doors swung open, Ryan jumped out to run inside and get help, but when she returned, she could tell that her mother was gone. The sorrow filled expressions that welcomed her as she ran back to the truck sucked the air from her lungs. The realization hit her like a tidal wave, and her legs gave out beneath her. She collapsed to the ground, her body wracked with sobs, as her teammates who had followed along with Sophie gathered around her, offering what little comfort they could.
That day had changed everything for Ryan, leaving her broken and lost. It had driven her away from Sophie, and into the darkness, a place she never thought she was going to be able to escape.
"No, stop." She pushed out of the kiss. Sophie's voice softened, filled with a deafening tone of resentment toward Ryan, feeling as if she could see that day replaying so vividly all over again. "I could have helped you, Ryan. We could have faced it together. Why couldn’t you do that?"
Ryan shook her head against the notion that it was that easy. Tears streamed down her face. "I was afraid, Sophie. I didn't want to burden you with my pain. I was so lost, I couldn’t see anything…I couldn’t feel anything passed my devastation, and I just. I wanted be away from it all."
Sophie's eyes filled with tears as she whispered, "But I loved you, Ryan. I would have done anything for you."
The room grew quiet, the weight of their past and their unspoken feelings pressing down on them.
“Sophie, I know I hurt you…and I’m so sorry. “ She stepped closer to her once again. “I was hurting so much, and I didn't know how to handle it. I let my fear and pain drive me away from the one person who truly cared about me," Ryan continued, her voice wavering as she choked back tears "I'm so sorry, Sophie. I know I can't change the past, but I want to make it right. I want to be there for you, and I want to rebuild the trust that I broke.” Ryan retrieved the box that held the letters that she wrote to Sophie. “I can’t ever put into words how sorry I am, and how much I regret the way I handled things, but I hope…that if you read these, you will just understand.”
Sophie took a deep breath, taking the box that she was holding out to Ryan's hands. She looked into Ryan's eyes, her voice firm, although her hands were shaking. "I can't let you hurt me like that again, Ryan. I can't go through that pain again. You broke my heart. We were talking about getting married, and then…you just left. How do I know that when life gets hard again, you won’t just up and leave?”
“Sophie, I swear…I will never leave you like that again, please just…”
“Stop!” Sophie yelled. “Please, just stop trying to rekindle what we had, and focus on your job, and let me focus on mine. If you love me, and you want to make things right again, just give me that. Just let me move on," she pleaded.
Ryan, her heart breaking all over again, nodded silently. They both knew that their love was still alive, but the wounds were too deep to heal. For now, they had to find a way to coexist and work together, even with the ghost of their love haunting them at every turn.