And I Didn't Like the Ending
My shoulders broad, I can carry much:
Sticks and stones and dirt and such
Ideas that cross my mind.
Still I find I can carry more,
Your secrets, burdens, wishes for
The future, though the now unkind.
Sometimes, the world weighs me down—
I’m Atlas with a groaning sound,
Though it passes if you wait.
Each item gone relieves some strain,
But I’d have your troubles back again—
Your absence bears a greater weight.
— “Atlas” by Michael Maller
The burden of war is never alone.
You carry your band of brothers with you always, even those you’ve lost.
Dum Dum carried all of them, those young boys from training, those scared little boys who didn’t want to die, those hardened men who did what they had to do, those old souls who met their end before their time, and those lucky few who made it home. “B-Bucky?”
Bucky stilled like a statue.
Steve froze as he sensed his Alpha’s turmoil. “Jamie, what’s wrong?”
The Asset, James, Bucky had not felt panic for decades, but he was terrified. He did not even want to imagine the danger if Steve and Peggy knew his true identity.
“I-I’m fine. It’s just been a while since I’ve seen Dum Dum.”
“You know each other?” Steve asked.
Bucky caught Dum Dum's eyes.
“Uh, yeah, Jamie’s our sarge’s grandson,” Dum Dum explained. “I haven’t seen ‘im since he was a wee thing, and I was surprised by how much he looks like Buck.”
Bucky smiled gratefully. “How ‘bout you go check out the furniture, doll? I’ll catch up with Dum Dum for a bit.”
Steve hesitated. He couldn’t help but feel like he was missing something, but he trusted James.
Once Steve was out of the room, Bucky visibly relaxed.
“Who are you?” Dum Dum asked quietly.
“You probably know better than me,” Bucky muttered.
“Are you James Buchanan Barnes?” Dum Dum asked. “H-How?”
Bucky closed his eyes. “H-Hydra.”
Dum Dum swore. “What’s Stevie got to do with this?”
“Nothing!” Bucky growled.
“Good, you better keep it that way,” Dum Dum said.
Bucky nodded.
Dum Dum sighed and pulled Bucky into a bone-crushing hug. “It’s real good to see you, Sarge. We all thought you were dead.”
“Thought so too,” Bucky whispered.
Steve had picked out a velvet orange couch that reminded him of the one in Friends. He was quite smitten with an old-fashioned bank light when his phone rang.
“Is Peggy, ok?” He asked.
“You think you would trust me by now.” Sam chuckled. “We watched Little Bear, man, I forgot what a classic it is. Then we ate some mushed watermelon and some pudding.”
Steve sighed.
“Don’t even start me with sugar,” Sam continued. “I’m her favorite uncle: it’s my job to fill her with sugar.”
Steve chuckled. “It’s her nap time—”
“I just put her down,” Sam said.
Steve’s phone buzzed, delivering a picture of Peggy clutching her teddy bear.
“What’s this I hear that you’re moving in with James?” Sam asked.
“Well, he got promoted, and he bought this gorgeous brownstone…”
“Steve.” Sam sighed. “You barely know him!”
Steve wanted to say that, that wasn’t true. He knew James; he always would.
“Steve, you jump into these things, and you always…” Sam trailed off.
Steve always got hurt. “You don’t know him out of group sessions. Why don’t you come over for dinner?”
Sam agreed.
Steve hung up and meandered back over to Dum Dum and James.
James looped his arm around Steve. “Hey, doll.”
Steve leaned into his Alpha’s touch.
“You find anything?” Dum Dum asked.
Steve nodded. “I really like that orange couch you got there.”
Dum Dum grinned. “That couch comes with free side tables.”
“You don’t have to do that,” Steve tried. He hated taking charity.
“Don’t even think about that, Cap,” Dum Dum said. “I’ll get everything delivered to your place tomorrow.”
James kissed the top of Steve’s head.
“Sam’s comin over for dinner,” Steve said. “We should probably get groceries.”
“How’s Peg?” James asked.
Steve showed him the picture that Sam had sent.
James smiled and showed the picture to Dum Dum. “Ain’t I a lucky man?”
Dum Dum’s face filled with awe. He hugged them both goodbye, but he held James just a little longer.
Steve was quiet as they walked to the supermarket. He was thinking too much, but what if he were making a mistake? What if he didn’t know James as well as he thought he did? “W-Why did Dum Dum call you Bucky?”
“It’s my name,” James explained. “James Buchanan Barnes. My little sister used to call me Bucky.”
“Do you like it better than James or Jamie?” Steve asked.
“They’re all my name.” James shrugged.
Steve nodded. He was afraid because he trusted James, Jamie, and Bucky more than he had ever trusted Tony Stark.
James had the ability to ruin Steve.
***
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