It started out with little things. Things that would give you pause but enough to ruin your day. Things that maybe weren’t intentional, but maybe there were. It became a guessing game - more between you and yourself than anything else.
Youhad just gotten a promotion - one you were hopeful for but hadn’t told Bucky yet in case you didn’t get it. But after weeks of anticipation, your boss had pulled you into her office and let you know.
You were ecstatic - finally making senior partner at a firm you had only been with for five years was a phenomenal feat and you couldn’t wait to get home and tell bucky
As you walked in the door, you called his name and got a “hey honey” in response. He sounded far off, in the kitchen maybe, but he could hear you so you kept talking as you shed your jacket and shoes by the door.
“You'll never guess what happened today.” You tried to hide the excitement in your voice, working yourself up for the surprise.
A slight hum was the only acknowledgement he gave, which caught you off guard because normally he loved to hear about your day.
As you entered the kitchen, you saw him at the stove with his back turned to you.
You said his name again, and while he didn’t turn around, he hummed again as if telling you to continue.
“I made senior partner today! Can you believe it? I know I didn’t mention because I didn’t want to get my hopes up but -“
“God, you’re amazing.” Your eyebrows furrowed as he interrupted you, confused as to why he didn’t even give you a chance to finish.
Finally, you placed a hand on his shoulder, and he jumped as if he had no clue you were there. As he turned, you saw his phone in his hand, and you realized he hadn’t been talking to you at all.
“Oh shit.” He stumbled to put his phone in his pocket after quickly hanging up. “When did you get home?”
You took a step back, tilting your head as you looked at him. “About five minutes ago. I've been talking to you this whole time.”
“Oh sorry I was on the phone with uh - with Becca. What were you saying?”
Something in your heart shifted a little, but you pushed the feeling down.
Not even facing him to talk, you started for the stairs saying, “I made senior partner today. I thought you would want to know.”
You didn’t give him a chance to respond as you closed the bedroom door.
You made excuses, of course. He hardly got to talk to his sister, it made sense that he would be absorbed in their conversation. Any doubts you had were quickly pushed aside. Because Bucky loved you and that was enough.
Then it started to get worse, and you couldn’t deny the crack in your heart at every dismissive comment, every time he ignored you when you talked about your day, every night he came home later. But you were nothing if not optimistic, and you refused to end your nearly decade long relationship without concrete proof; even if your gut feeling never led you wrong.
Little did you know, even having the evidence right in front of you wouldn’t make it any easier.
-
You had tried calling Bucky five times now, and each time it had gone to voicemail. You had been pacing the living room for nearly 20 minutes, waiting for Bucky to come home so you could go to dinner with your sister. But you hadn’t heard from him since he left for work that morning and you didn’t know whether to be worried or angry.
There was a knock on your door, and you left your phone on the coffee table as you went to answer it.
After you chatted with your neighbor, Wanda, who had come over to drop off a stack of law textbooks she had borrowed, you returned to the living room to find a voicemail from Bucky. He must have called you while you were out of the room, because of course you would be caught in a game of phone tag while you were just trying to go out to dinner.
You almost didn’t even listen to the voicemail - assuming it was just him apologizing for having to stay late at the office or some other reason - but a little voice in the back of your mind told you that you needed to hear it.
Hand shaking, you lifted the phone to your ear.
“Hey baby, I’m so sorry about tonight. I miss you so much.” Your lips turned up a bit at the sides, your heart fluttering at the words of your sweet Bucky. “I know tonight wasn’t like we wanted it, I just got my plans mixed up.” At least that explained why he was late, but you weren’t aware of any other plans he had. “I wish I had gotten to see you longer. No amount of time is ever enough with you. I love you, Dot. You’re the most amazing woman I’ve ever met. I can’t wait to finally be with you forever.”
The voicemail cut off then, but you wouldn’t know, because your phone had slipped from your hand as you dropped to the ground, skidding across the hardwood floor at the same time your knees hit.
Your mind was racing. Dot. Dolores Becker. A pretty young redhead who had giggled the second she met Bucky at last year’s holiday party. A sweet, kind junior partner at your firm. One you had taken under your wing for over a year now.
You don’t know how long you sat there, but your phone buzzing a few feet away finally startled you enough to scramble towards it.
It was your sister, and while you loved her and felt a little bad, you texted her saying Bucky had gotten sick and you needed to cancel. You had just gotten up from the floor when the front door opened and you heard Bucky call your name.
Not knowing how to even look at him, you shoved your phone into his hands as you passed him and retreated up the stairs.
It took him another 10 minutes before he opened the bedroom door. You were sitting on the edge of the bed with your head in your hands. Your hair had been taken down, your make up washed away, and your new dress bought for the night had been replaced with sweatpants and a t-shirt that painfully smelled like Bucky. You knew from the glimpse you caught of yourself in the mirror that you looked as beaten down as you felt.
He got on his knees in front of you, kneeling between your legs, as if he was going to beg for forgiveness. He gently took your hands in his own, forcing you to look down at him. Though his eyes were filled with sorrow and regret, it stirred no emotion except for the lingering thought that he had gotten very good at lying. Maybe he didn’t really feel guilty at all.
“Baby, I-” He snapped his mouth shut when your head jerked toward him, a rage there that he had never seen from you before. Not when you got in your first fight, not when he thought he lost your engagement ring, not when he told you that you should wait to have kids even after countless nights of laying in bed together thinking of baby names and imagining who they would look more like.
Those were all instances of hurt masked by anger. But this, this was a cold fury that rolled off of you in waves. One that distanced him in a way he had never felt before, even in the months that he was doing it himself. It was if you had pushed him onto an island, the waves of your emotions threatening to consume him. He didn’t know how to handle this new version of you.
But then your eyes met his, both pleading for different things - yours for an explanation, his for absolution - and that fury shattered into heartbreak that spilled onto the bedroom floor.
It was a hard pill to swallow, realizing that even in the face of your worst nightmare you still couldn’t hate Bucky, couldn’t be angry with him the way you knew you should.
When you let out a choked sob, Bucky stood up on his knees, taking your face in his hands as he pressed his forehead to yours.
“I’m so sorry, baby. I love you so much. Don’t know what I was thinking.” He whispered these words against your lips, too scared to move, not knowing what you would do. You just let the tears stream down your face, at a loss for words.
"Tell me you don't want to leave. Say I'm enough to make you stay. I know it's not true, but please just say it." The words burned your throat as they came out, but you needed to hear him say he still wanted you, even if you didn’t believe it.
He made a wrecked sound, and you realized he was crying too. He pressed a kiss to your forehead, then to the tip of your nose, before pulling back and looking at you.
“Of course I want you, baby. I was so stupid, I know that now. I’ll never leave you. I’m right here.”
He sounded so sincere it broke your heart, and you let him hold you as you both cried.
-
Things got better. You politely asked Dolores to look for work at another firm, even writing her a letter of recommendation just to get the whole process over quicker.
Bucky remained attentive to you and your relationship, and you were finally planning your wedding, after being engaged for two years.
It felt like things were finally falling into place, and everyday you healed a little more.
That is, until you were unpacking Bucky’s suitcase from a work conference that weekend and found a pair of lacy red panties, ones you knew for certain weren’t yours.
Feeling the need to confirm your suspicions, you slid his laptop from the front of his bag and skimmed through emails until you found something that stood out.
You found that the conference Bucky had gone to that weekend was also attended by the law firm Dolores had gone to after leaving yours. There was no doubt in your mind they had seen each other, and it made you wonder if that had been the first time, or if in the months since you found out, it had never really stopped.
Deciding you didn’t want to know either way, you packed everything back into Bucky’s suitcase, before grabbing another and filling that too. You were dragging them down the stairs when Bucky came in from his morning run.
His eyebrows furrowed in confusion until you pressed something into his hands - the underwear along with your ring. His face fell and he immediately started into a stream of apologies, but you just held a hand up, signaling for him to stop.
“I don’t need an explanation. I don’t need an apology. All I need is for you to leave, right now. You can come back and get the rest of your stuff when I’m not here. Everything else can be finished later, but you need to go.”
He stood dumbfounded for a moment, before dropping his head in resignation. You stood like a brick wall by the front door, hands crossed over your chest - guarding your heart - as he shoved the offending material and ring in his pocket and wheeled his suitcases out. Even as he loaded his things into the car, his eyes never left you, like he was hoping you would change your mind, that you would forgive him this time.
But the second he stepped into the car, you closed the front door, locking it up without a glance back.