saudade

It’s been seventeen years since Harry died, since Peter lost his one true love. Peter continued being Spider-Man for Harry but after his boyfriend had died because of him, it didn’t feel right anymore. When Harry died, Peter died with him. He wasn’t really living anymore. Apart from his work as a scientist and CEO of OSCORP, he lived pretty much isolated from the world because he couldn’t bear seeing all those happy people, while he was suffering so much.

Every few weeks, Gwen checked up on him and how he was doing but everything connected with his old life made the wound inside him worse. Peter had tried to move on, he really did.

He even tried to date a few boys and girls, but he stopped before there was something serious in development because to him, it felt like he was cheating on Harry.

And after Aunt May died, his condition was so bad that he had to start going to a therapist. Peter knew one day she had to die but as it happened, he wasn’t ready. His therapist helped him with his grief, but his progress was small and slow. At least he made some steps forward.

Today was the day Harry died. Peter was standing in front of his grave and laid a bunch of roses on it.

“It’s been seventeen years and not a single day has passed where I didn’t miss you. I miss you so much and the only thing that keeps me going is the thought that we could reunite one day. I wish you were here. I’m trying to be Spider-Man, I really do, but sometimes, I just can’t do it anymore. There are times where I just want to throw that damn suit into the next trash can, but I know you wouldn’t want that. So, I keep it.”

Peter cleared his throat.

“I would give up everything for the chance to hear your laugh again, to see you smile, to see you happy. To have you at my side again and to kiss you. To feel your lips pressed against my own. To feel the happiness only you could bring me again. I love you, Harry, and I will never stop loving you.”

Tears streamed down Peter’s face. Will it ever stop hurting?

After a while, he wiped his tears away and turned to leave the grave. The day of Harry’s death was the hardest day of the year for Peter. He was vulnerable to so many things. He wasn’t able to go to work, he started crying as soon as he heard the name Harry somewhere and he wasn’t able to be Spider-Man on this day.

Usually, Peter spent the day at Harry’s grave and when he was back in his apartment, he ate Harry’s favourite food, watched The Lord of the Rings and listened to Harry’s favourite music. He even made waffles for Harry every year. But on this special day, Peter could feel Harry’s presence again.

As Peter was about to leave the graveyard as an orange circle appeared right before him. What the hell was that? Some kind of portal?

Was it a sign from Harry? Stupid thought, Harry was dead so he hardly could send him some strange portals, could he? And why would he do it after all those years, anyway?

Then he saw a teenage boy and a taller girl. They were about the same age. Peter blinked but the teenagers were still there. “Can you hear me?”, he asked.

They nodded and he stepped through the portal.

Peter found himself in a living room with two teenagers and a grandma.

“Great, it’s just some random guy”, the boy said.

Ouch. “Uhm, hello”, Peter said and waved his hand. “I hope it’s okay that I just came through this.”

“You’re Peter?”, the girl asked.

“Yeah, Peter Parker.”

A dude in a Spider-Man suit showed up.

They stared at each other and shot a web at each other contemporaneously. Both made a salto. The other Spider-Man squatted on the table and Peter shot some webs at his wrist. The other guy stared at him – and seemed to be impressed.

“So, you’re Spider-Man too. Why didn’t you just say that?”, the boy asked.

“I don’t like going around and advertising it. Kinda defeats the whole anonymous superhero thing”, Peter said.

“That’s what I just said”, the other Spider-Man muttered.

“That’s what he just said”, the girl agreed.

“I don’t really understand”, Peter admitted. “So, you’re looking for a Peter Parker who is Spider-Man and this dude is also Peter Parker?”

“Yeah, I am”, Peter Parker confirmed.

This must be a fever dream.

“I’m MJ”, the girl said, “And this is Ned. And we’re looking for Peter. We’re worried about him because he had a fight with this goblin guy and his aunt died. We don’t know where he is.”

Peter swallowed. MJ was still alive here? Green Goblin? Aunt May was dead? Norman Osborn killed Aunt May? Peter was afraid that his head might explode. But if Norman was here, did it mean Harry was also here? Don’t get your hopes up, Peter. Peter shook his head to clear his mind.

“Well, uhm, do you know if there’s any place he has a special connection to?”

“A place where he just can get away from everything?”, the other Peter added.

“Yeah, yeah, I think I know exactly where that would be”, MJ said.

Peter wrapped his arm around MJ and the other Peter wrapped his arm around Ned. Then they swung though New York to get to the high school. MJ and Ned hugged their Peter while the other Peter and he stayed back to give them some privacy.

“Hey, wait, wait, woah”, teenage Peter said as he discovered them. He looked terrible. His eyes were red and swollen from crying.

Peter and the other Peter raised their arms to indicate they weren’t dangerous.

“I’m sorry about May”, Peter said.

“Yeah, I’m sorry too”, the other Peter added. “I got some understanding of what you’re going though.”

“No, please, don’t tell me that you know what I’m going through”, teenage Peter said. “She’s gone. It’s all my fault. She died for nothing. So, I’m gonna do what I should’ve done in the first place.”

“Peter”, Peter tried to say. It was weird to talk to another version of himself, but he wanted to ease Peter’s pain. He wished he had someone to ease his and he’d do everything so this teenage Peter wouldn’t end up like him.

“No, please. You don’t belong here. Either of you, so I’m sending you home. Those other guys are from your worlds, right? So you deal with it. If they die if you kill them, that’s one you. It’s not my problem. I don’t care anymore. I’m done”, teenage Peter explained. “I’m really sorry that I dragged you into this. But you have to go home now. Good luck.”

Peter tried to think about what to say. He wanted to help Peter. “My Uncle Ben was killed. It was my fault. I lost my MJ. She was my best friend. I couldn’t save her. And I lost-“ Peter had to swallow hard to suppress his tears. “And I lost Harry. He was my first and my last love. But again, I was involved in it.” He wiped away the tears.

“I lost … I lost Gwen”, the other Peter told them. “She was my MJ or … my Harry. I couldn’t save her. I’m never gonna be able to forgive myself for that. But I tried to carry on. Tried to keep going. Tried to keep being the friendly neighbourhood Spider-Man because I know that’s what she would’ve wanted. But at some point, I just … I stopped pulling my punches. I got rageful and bitter. I just don’t want you to end up like me.” His voice was shaking, and it was clear he struggled to fight back tears.

Was it impossible for a boy named Peter Parker to be happy? Was it some kind of law that all of them had to suffer so much?

“The night Ben died, I hunted down the man who I thought did it. I wanted him dead. I got what I wanted but it didn’t make it better. And later it turned out it wasn’t him who killed my uncle. I killed an innocent person”, Peter shared his story. “I don’t want you to end up like me – eaten up by grief and guilt and anger. I’m not living. I’m just … trying to function.”

“I wanna kill him”, teenage Peter said. “I wanna tear him apart. I can still hear her voice in my head.” A sobbing attack forced him to pause. “Even after she was hurt, she said to me that we did the right thing. She told me that with great power-“

“Comes great responsibility”, Peter finished the sentence.

“Wait, what? How do you know that?”

“Uncle Ben said it”, the other Peter explained.

“The day he died. Maybe she didn’t die for nothing, Peter”, Peter told him.

“Will you help me?”, teenage Peter asked.

“Of course, we will”, they said in unison.