saudade

The next day, Bernard and Peter accompanied Harry to the funeral home. Harry wasn’t ready to see his father again, to see the truth. He took Peter’s hand to hold on to reality. The nightmare still followed him as well as the moment he discovered his father’s dead body, and he didn’t want to drift into any of them ever again.

“Mr. Osborn, please take a seat. How are you doing?”, the undertaker asked politely and provided another pair of chairs for Peter and Bernard.

“I’m fine”, Harry said automatically as he sat down, not letting go of Peter’s hand.

“It’s not easy and if it’s too much, you can always tell me so we can take a break or continue tomorrow.”

“No, it’s okay.” He just wanted to get it done. He wasn’t sure if he could bring up the strength to come here again.

“Do you know if your father had any special wishes for his funeral?”, the undertaker asked.

“I don’t know. I’d say he would’ve wanted a normal funeral with a grave. He wasn’t much of a fan of new things”, Harry responded, struggling to keep up his voice. He never thought he’d miss his father’s conservatism one day.

“Okay, thank you very much. This was the most important information. You don’t have to answer if it’s too much for you, but do you have any special preferences for the decoration, flowers or music?”

“I don’t know. Bernard can decide.” He didn’t care.

The undertaker nodded. “We can talk about it later. One more question and it’s over, I promise. I need to know how the coffin should look like.”

“Black. It’s his favourite colour”, Harry said, not noticing he was speaking of his father as if he was still there.

“Do you want to see some examples?”

Harry shook his head. He just wanted it to be over. Bernard or Peter should choose it.

After Bernard and the undertaker had a long conversation where Harry didn’t take part in, he was led into the room where his father laid.

“Do you want to be alone with him?”, Peter asked him softly.

Harry shook his head vigorously. “No, I can’t do it without you.”

“It’s okay. I won’t let you go through this alone”, Peter promised and laced their fingers together.

Harry took a deep breath before he entered the room. The sight of his father lying there as if he was just sleeping pulled the ground out from under his feet. He almost sank on his knees if Peter hasn’t been there.

“I’m here”, Peter whispered but Harry didn’t hear him anymore.

In Harry’s consciousness there was only his father and him. He didn’t even notice he let go of Peter’s hand.

His father was lying on a bunk with cushions. His hands were folded, and he was wearing his favourite suit. This realisation was too much for Harry. He couldn’t suppress the tears anymore. “I need you, Dad. You can’t leave me, please. I don’t know how I am supposed to carry on without you.”

Harry didn’t recognise he was screaming until Peter and Bernard dragged him away from his father. “No! Let go of me!”, he yelled at them and tried to fight back. He hit and kicked, not caring about hurting them. They wanted to take his father away from him, so they were enemies.

As soon as the door was closed and Harry couldn’t see his father anymore, he stopped fighting. He realised what he had done. Harry freed himself from Peter’s grip and ran away. Outside the building, the fresh air helped him to breathe and calm down. He didn’t want Peter to see him like that. Did he hurt him?

“Harry?”, Peter asked in concern.

“I- I’m sorry, Pete. I didn’t want to hurt you”, he sobbed.

Peter pulled him into a hug. “Shh, it’s okay. You didn’t hurt us. Don’t worry.”

“I can’t do it. I’m too weak.” Harry buried his face in Peter’s shoulder.

“You can. You’re not alone. It will get better with time, I promise. I won’t let you fall.” Peter kissed his hair. “I won’t let you fall.”

“Harry, are you okay?”, Bernard asked and put his hand on Harry’s shoulder.

“Yeah. It was just … I’m sorry.”

“There’s nothing to apologize for. Everybody processes grief and loss differently. But if it should be the case that it doesn’t get better, a therapist might help. You can always contact me to find the right one”, the undertaker told him.

“Thank you.” He just wanted to go home.

Harry was standing in front of his father’s grave, trying to avoid the people around him. He didn’t want to hear the fake condolences of OSCORP board members. He couldn’t bear to have people around him, even Peter’s presence was too much.

“Harry, I’m so sorry.” MJ hugged him tightly. “If you want to talk or if I can help you in any other way, let me know.”

“It’s fine, MJ, thank you”, he said.

“You can call me anytime.”

“I know. I appreciate it very much.” Harry tried to smile but his face muscles seemed to have forgotten how to smile.

“Oh dear, I’m so, so sorry”, Aunt May sobbed, “How are you doing?”

“I’m okay, don’t worry. I’ll get over it”, he assured her. Lies. Every word that left his mouth was a lie to prevent him from the pity because it would break him rather than help him ease the pain.

“You are a strong boy, Harry. If you ever need anything, you can come to me.” She pulled him into a hug and kissed his cheek.

“Thank you, Aunt May.” This time, he managed a weak smile.

When the last one was gone, Harry was still standing in front of the grave.

“Harry, I think it’s time to leave”, Peter said quietly and laid a hand on his shoulder.

“You’re right. Just one minute.” Harry laid down a rose. “I’ll make you proud. I won’t disappoint you, Dad. I promise you I’ll find Spider-Man. And I’ll kill him.”