It was a memory. The past and not a future. He repeated in his head over and over again like it was mantra. It could never be a future. It could never happen again.
So why Tony was trying to convince himself of the 0% probability, he wasn't quite sure. But he knew that if ever did happen, just one more time... it meant Rogers did have a soft spot, even if he didn't admit it. Not that Tony blamed him, the whole situation was complex, too many things could go wrong, too many cons... Yet he still had to actively talk himself out of it, had make mental power points reminding himself of all the cons that existed to spite the pros he had grown to know.
"We lost them!" Tony laughed with a rush of adrenaline like never before shooting through him, perhaps because he had gotten so used to being in the suit- not that it didn't give him an adrenaline rush too- but this was running with nothing but Steve as a guide to safety, not a weapon in sight, or back up on it's way. Hell no one even knew they were out of the country! Tony wasn't one to go on missions like this, never did fancy the undercover stuff that had him in caps and cheap garments, it wasn't his style.
Yet here he was, fifteen hours after giving Steve card access to a quinjet, and his time, all the way across the world without a dollar to his name but a closer bond to his teammate. "Which is great considering my lungs aren't what they used to be, Cap. You know it would how comically if instead of chasing us, they just shot us snipe style-" Tony joked as they slowed down into a tourist attracted busy street.
"Luckily for you, I'm able to take a bullet or two." Steve said, spinning Tony around with a swift twirl, catching Tony completely off guard as he had to readjust his head to look up at the taller hero.
"How do you know that?" Tony questioned with a sense of concern for the super soldier, because even if Steve had faster healing abilities, catching even just 'a bullet or two' was fatal. It truly went to show how idiotic and a handful Steve was on his own team at SHIELD, And suddenly Tony wasn't that upset at just being a consultant for the Avengers at first.Though these past few hours really did add to Tony's opinion of Steve, in some of the best ways possible.
Red in the face as if knowing he was in the wrong and about to get lectured, Steve scratched the back of his neck before looking around and speaking in a hush tone, "Long story, but first, we're not in the clear yet, WInghead." It was all Tony got before Steve started dipping his head into a rushed kiss, with gentle hand on Tony's waist, Steve pulled him closer to his own body, using his other hand to cradle Tony's jaw, the touch wasn't magic, it wasn't love at first touch.
It was simply body heat, body heat that took a moment for Tony a register after the confusion, catching on even quicker after the frozen state of being left his body, he quickly caught on to the program, slowly guiding his own hand passed Steve's and into his blonde hair, pulling on it slightly out of routine more than anything, but found Steve rolling his hips- no doubt-out of instinct, the chuckle that bled into the kiss couldn't be helped. The nip Steve gave in retaliation certainly could have been.
It was a memory that haunted Tony along with many others from the days to come, He didn't think he minded them at first, he was sure the what-if's would eaten him alive.How Steve felt, How he kissed- a memory to cherish, a memory to feel in the moment.
The Arctic ocean wasn't much a memory as much it was a feeling. He never could describe it to any one of the many psychologist SHIELD mandated he see under Fury's orders. But that usually his starting point for the day, for the night, his core body temperature was slightly above average, no matter the weather he knew that much even back in the day while fighting alongside the Howling Commando's. But it never really felt warm, his life was icy, He had felt like he was still trapped under the ice while he tried navigating the new world. It always felt cold, like a barrier kept him from really assimilating. Though the more he interacted with indivaiuls and actually built connections with them, the more he felt like he was thawing out, slowly but surely.
Until one particular moment, it wasn't an instantaneous thing, but in that moment it felt like a fire had been lit in him. It wasn't the tug, not the first one exactly, but each one lit him hotter and hotter, the touches slowly warmed him, the words, the days, that summer week thawed him out and left him drenched.
Only now looking around, the cruel wind picked back up, and left him shivering more than ever, the Arctic couldn't even compare to how cold he felt whenever he thought back to his memories. His dreams were ones of Inception, vortex's that left him dreading sleep, never knowing when he was truly awake, or just aware. He'd dream of underwater mosaic's of smiles... of ships, planes, of the cold water, ones where he'd thrash around till he came to consciousness, he'd find himself being gently coddled, with a familiar warmth, an arm with just the right amount of pressure to bring him back to reality.
He bolted awake from his bed, taking inventory of the room he had woken up in no danger a million time over. His chest constricted as he searched for someone that hadn't been there, had never been by his side in this bed, yet the memory of the dream had Steve clutching at the pillow at the side of him with a distinct type of lonely in his chest, longing.
It was a back and forth in the day time. It hadn't started that way, but Steve fears that his lack of confrontative behavior led him to an never ending cycles of back and forth. Neither one of them acknowledge the mission, but at first it was just their hectic schedules upon returning.
"Hey Rogers, I'm going to need to borrow Clint for testing, mind passing the message along?" Tony asked the moment Steve had stepped out of the elevator with his duffle in hand, and the closest things to bags under his eyes, but as tired as he was he was determined to talk thing through to see at least where they stood. It took a moment for Steve to catch Tony's words, even longer for him to catch the way Tony spoke to him, how impersonal it felt, from the name to the lack of eye contact.
"Uh, Tony?" Not a glance, as Tony focused on his gadgets. He cleared his throat and tried again, gripping his bag slightly tighter than before with nerves that never came up on the mission. "I don't have Clint under my wing." He said barely taking a step closer before waved him off.
"Romanov's been able to get in contact with him whenever he's MIA." Casually turning his back to Steve, he managed to finally get the hint, readjusting his hold on his bag, he cleared his throat once more and nodded.
"Sure thing, Tony." He said, feeling another form of exhaustion crush down onto his shoulders, feet only barely dragging as if they held cinder blocks in their boots.
He remembered how light his feet had once felt as he directed Tony further back to avoid the running goons, though it did serve as an opening to slide one of his legs in-between Tony's. His body working on auto pilot to identify and hide from the goons chasing them, but his mind had been working double time to capture the moment, seconds lapsing into a void of forever, one that he hoped to soon replicate till the end of time, perhaps not when they were near death itself. When his mind managed to remember that small detail, he quickly pulled back from the heaven sent moment, remembering how Tony had mentioned barely being able to catch his breath.
Panting as he spoke, "I should've probably let you catch your breath first-" Steve went to apologize the best way he could with out pulling away too much and draw attention to the two of them.
Only he didn't get far into his apology, Tony had pulled him back in at an angle that had the tops of the hats colliding, fortunately it didn't knock over both their hats, only Steve, and he was more than okay with that, his hat had seen worse tumbles. This time isn't as forceful as Steve's first one had been, it was gentle, it was soft, like he had dreamt a kiss should be back in the old days when he was half the size he was now, Tony's hand held tight on to his jacket, holding him as close as Tony could him, the moment last longer than Steve could've ever hoped, his heart beating long after it ended, "Believe it or not, you don't have to apologize, Steve." It was barely panted, but Tony was still out of breath, his lips glossy and plumped than they had been before, matching his cheeks that also went red with a slight blush. Steve didn't want to know he looked just as disheveled as he felt, but knew that he did. "What now?"
Steve couldn't think for a moment, but only a moment before it rerouted to the mission's objectives. "For now? Nothing, we did our part, we just have to get back to the capsules until I get message from the staff, then we got ten hours to locate a package-"
Steve could've kissed however his informer was, normally waiting an extended period of time, had Steve feeling anxious with the need to do something running through his veins, but that mission... that mission he didn't seem to mind, not when his time was spent with Tony. He felt like he had learned a million and one things from and about him, like he had managed to get a real view at the man everyone seemed to know about. The time passed easier than any time since waking up from the ice.
Whenever they got too steer crazy, they'd take a walk, at moments it was quite, others it was filled with easy or heavy conversation. Whenever the conversation steered off course and their lips did the talking Steve found himself looking up afterwards, to thank the lord above him for an opportunity to act, even if he didn't ask, the moon almost always was above them with light shinning down as if to warn them others could see. Tony had joked it was a spotlight for them, and them alone to use as they pleased. Those were the moments that had Steve a bit timid, never doing anything like it before, but he couldn't stop himself from following through, not when Tony spoke so sinfully, with such a grasp on Steve's being, everything about it was too good to pass up, he wouldn't ever dream about passing up how delicious Tony's tasted. Every part, every words, every pose, every conversation, every touch.
He was a new man, an adventurous one with little to no restraint when it came to anything Tony said. Though he was gentle, and cautious due to the serum still very much powering him. He wouldn't have it any other way, He went as hard as Tony could take, at first he hadn't been very light hearted as Tony, who had joked every second of it to ease Steve worry, Soon enough he did, finding the fire with ease, taking it all without much of a worry of hurting Tony by accident.
In other moments they talked, about everything, anything, most was new to Steve, but Tony happily and patiently- though he did sneak humorous insults in- caught him up. other times, they talked about the team, how they had picture it going when they had first joint during the Loki fiasco, how they pictured the Avengers in five years, genuine curiosity in both their minds, and after beat of silence Steve asked about the Nuke, Tony had looked away, and Steve didn't need a guide to the 21st century to know he had overstepped into something Tony himself didn't understand, though there was more to it that Steve wished he could know, the view for example, he knew it was terrifying- hell that day he had been near heart attack when watched helplessly as the Iron Man suit came crashing down at a speed that seemed fatal. He didn't get a serious response, he didn't push for one, laughing to ease Tony hurt, moving unto an easier subject, soon enough they were laughing in a room full of vending machines.
In retrospect, he had known that feeling before, the hope of being with someone that had made him so excited to be in their presence, Only it hadn't been Peggy's fault that he had crashed himself into the ocean, it hadn't been anyone's. Only now he had experience to look to back on, and he hadn't. So now he stood, thinking back on it all, feeling left behind in the past yet again. Only the memories of Tony to keep him warm in the cold nights.
He was warm, with Tony in his lap for a majority of the night, his head resting on Steve's lap, he stroke his hair as he spoke on the phone to a contact, never once stammering in his swipes though Tony's mused hair. "Still nothing." Steve relayed as he hung up the phone without worry about what could've gone wrong on the informers end showing. Not when Tony starting sitting upright with bedhead that had him looking as endearing as ever. The moments he had captured in his mind to sketch later were stockpiling, and the fear of forgetting a single moment mocked him when Steve didn't shove it back. Not wanting to put a cloud over the heaven he was in, because that's what it was, nothing explainable, simply heaven in the best circumstance.
"Then you mind helping me with this knot in my back?" Tony teased, and Steve didn't falter on his way up to kneel over such a willing participate.
That night had more of a gentle and relaxing aura to it, Tony wasn't sure exactly how it came to be, maybe it was the days of no contact with SI or any business related bullshit, maybe it was the white noise, or Steve's humming, maybe it was the massage he had woken up to, or napped to, maybe it was the second bottle of body oil used, too many factors to really know, but they never stopped coming, no excuse to not relax, and he happily gave back his fair share, taking a seat on Steve's lower back to work through the tension the super soldier held in a way that was learn through years of lessons.
"Would you consider taking a vacation again?" The question was about as loaded as baked potato in a chain restaurant. It sounded innocent enough to the group before them. But Tony couldn't bring himself to lower a wall...a single wall. Because if he had... without hesitation he'd answer...
"Of course, Japan wasn't exactly my first option, but this isn't to shabby." Tony joked, as he looked at the items they had up for sell in this particular hotel, from candy's to sex toys, the categories were endless, and Tony's curiosity followed it as Steve tried working out in such a small space. "Cap, i don't think you'll be able to do your full circuit in here, if you hadn't noticed already it's about the size of maybe half of you." Tony followed up after catching a glance of Steve struggling to get enough room to actually work out, the view was hilarious enough to wish he brought something to record with, but Steve insisted no tech... and Tony wasn't going to show off his new prototype in the first twenty hours of his first mission alone with Cap.
It surprisingly had only taken less than twenty two hours to order a certain flavor of candy to coincide with a certain flavor of body oil, actually serval flavors, because that's where boredom had landed Tony, with the quest to find out if the artificial flavors matched from product to product. it took five minutes after arriving for Tony to test out of theory, and just about all bout six seconds to offer Steve another workout suitable for the close quarters.
"It'd be a waste, we can knock two birds with one stone." Tony said, only barely joking, face hadn't shown it, though his heart felt it, thumping as fast as a roadrunner who managed to find three perfectly wrapped bags of pure cocaine. He never showed just how nerve wrecking that option made him, knowing that if he had, the possibility of rejection wouldn't be able to be played down. Then, be some fucked up miracle he didn't deserve. Steve accepted. He was flustered, but never hesitant.
There wasn't any issues with space once they meet in the middle, no bumping into anything, or getting caught on an edge, the room was more geared to be used for these activities however they wanted, just like Tony had been for Steve. He could tell the big guy was as nervous as he truly felt, but he talked Steve through it, wanting to ease him, and make this as unforgettable for the both of them as possible, which wasn't hard when Steve picked up advice and instructions fast. Though he wasn't quick, and as gentle as the giant, it was all for a good reason, Steve being much bigger than anything Tony handled back in the day. Still it was sweet how Steve prayed, and called out to god.
"Nope just me-" Tony had started to quip with slight pant making him take a pause as Steve slide out slowly, only to ram entirely too fast in the best way, he couldn't help but moan, and drop his sentence a moment too late, letting Steve chuckle out the mess he was making out of Tony.
"I'm sorry, didn't catch that, Angel." Steve panted with a satisfied smirk on his face that Tony knew he couldn't do anything about, not right now, not when Steve had his dick half to his heart. Speed up with each stroke, Tony could feel Steve tensing up, and he whispered sweet promises, alongside dirty motivations the best he could why also getting hammered home- which seemed to be heaven to Steve as kept calling him an angel.
Instead Tony backtracked, "Not in this market. Maybe when SI isn't so busy- which meant frankly be never considering my company's the worlds best at anything we take over-" He waited without an end playing out, he waited as he rambled, for anyone to stop him before he came off as even more arrogant.
"Why don't need a sales pitch, Stark." Clint cut him off thankfully, leaving Tony to clear his throat, "Maybe Steve's right, you do need a get away from all that work." Clint followed up, and out of habit Tony glanced over at Steve to see him closed in on himself, a familiar mask he wore from before they had become friends was up, and guilt shifted his gaze in less than second, back to Clint who stared with a raised eyebrow.
"You're probably right, a get away might by good for me." Tony sighed, thinking to how stressed this situation had left him. All because he couldn't tell himself no... He had been though this before and yet he can never learn his lesson not when the promise of Steve was so sweet, all those sweet nothings Steve told him...Now he was just there, with the empty promises relaying in his mind like some broken record- only now he couldn't fix it . No one could. He couldn't, and the only other person that could...was up and walking away to workout on the gym floor with Barnes, Barton and Wilson. It was just him and the memory. It was a memory. The past and not a future. He repeated in his head over and over again like it was mantra. It could never be a future. It could never happen again.
That last night, only eleven hour before everything derailed from its dream tracks-without them knowing of course-, they were wrapped up, with sheets and pillows from the night before. Tony running his fingers through his watch, trying to do some on site fixing without any tools while Steve slept. Truthfully Tony wasn't even sure exactly how he wasn't passed out alongside the super soldier that had managed to drag Tony into more rounds than he was able to keep up with, but then of course he had been the one to offer up a substitute to work outs like running miles- a bit over zealous now that he realize just how much energy Steve had, but he wouldn't have taken back the chance to do it again. Then again, maybe it had to do something with Tony's never resting mind. Bingo. Still there with Steve felt as easy as he felt with his music blasting and JARVIS sassing him back. He couldn't explain it.
"I don't know what it is either." Steve confided, jostling Tony as he dragged his fingers down the side of his back, barely a ghost of a touch. It wasn't teasing as much as it was reassuring, Steve's hands on Tony, for the both of them, a reminder the other was there, and a fear of the illusion being broken keeping it light and gentle, almost as if they touched with more pressure they find out they other was any empty space.
"It's this place?" Tony tried his way to a guess, but even as he said it found it was lackluster by all accounts, Steve knew what it could be, found it to be more plausible every moment he stared back in Tony's eyes. The moonlight shined through the the window suit, giving Tony's eyes a whimsical look, an allure of the softest degree, or the purest degree.
He didn't have to say, he didn't feel he had to, not when the slight fear of Tony disagreeing came to mind. So he simply propped himself, leaned over Tony in a slow enough pace to give Tony a chance to back out, bringing Tony's jaw up to get a better angle, there he could Tony's wide eyes staring up at him with an encouraging hunger, it wasn't just that- and for a moment Steve thought to ask what else Tony was feeling- but only slightly tightened his grip, as if to keep him and never lose him, and as gentle as that second kiss was, he was. Hoping in some way to express his feelings, his hopes, his dreams... his future memories, to Tony.
Was it them? the question started to surface as the phone rang thirty minutes later. Or was it just Tony? The only way he could think to find out was by seeing if it would happen again... But he had already know it wouldn't happen again. Tony wasn't Steve's weakness. He was just a memory.