he isn’t coming back, his mind whispered.
he has to, his heart sobbed.
—
tony was constantly caught in a civil war, heart and brain constantly battled within him, soul and mind dueling viciously.
tony’s mind, relentlessly logical and reasonable, told him what his heart refused to hear.
peter was gone.
but tony, despite his massive intellect, his ingenuity and acclaimed genius, never considered his brain to be his best attribute -his heart was.
tony wasn’t defined by his mind, he was defined by his soul.
and his soul promised him hope.
—
we have no chance , his brain warned.
we have to try , his soul replied.
—
tony breathed life into cold metal, making robots and AIs and machines, animating somber machinery into vital beings. gears whirling and levers turning, transforming cold, hard contraptions and lifeless metal into brimming creations.
he had the capacity for destruction and creation. he had the power of the gods.
he left traces of himself in everything he did, imprints of his soul within his projects, relics of his heart in all his work.
his critics called him heartless, cold, destructive, selfish.
they could not be further from the truth.
his greatest strengths were also his greatest weaknesses and so he disguised them.
he felt so much that he had to hide it behind a mask of apathy. because if he didn’t rein in his emotions, if he didn’t conceal his compassion, if he let it run free and unconstrained, he would break under the weight of it. nobody should feel so much.
his greatest gift and worst burden wasn’t his coldness but rather his warmth. it wasn’t his capacity for destruction but rather his capacity for creation.
it wasn’t that he didn’t feel, it was that he felt too much. everything feeling and thought and emotion was amplified.
guilt and fear and responsibility and love and anger and justice and hatred and betrayal and hope and desperation.
so in the end it wasn’t his brain, his mind, that saved them all.
it was rather his heart and soul.
—
we can’t save him , his mind insisted.
then we’ll avenge him, his heart growled.
—
he poured himself into everything he did, every project and idea.
he was so empathetic and passionate and feeling. he saw a collection of heros and he tried to build a team. he saw a team and he tried to build a family.
it is a blessing and curse to feel so deeply. to know so much.
you are not the only one cursed with knowledge , thanos said.
but he was the only one cursed with both knowledge and empathy.
compassion and intellect do not mix well. a sensitive heart with an intricate mind is not a good combination for this world.
empathy and intelligence, a cruel blend of gifts. a harsh irony, a terrible paradox. he had been bestowed with the best and worst of traits.
for those who cared weren’t aware of what was to come, they weren’t cursed with knowledge -only he and thanos had that privilege, carried that curse.
and yet, of the two of them who knew, tony was the only one who cared.
he was caught in the middle. a beautiful curse, a tragic blessing.
heart and brain. mind and soul.
—
I knew so much, but I still failed to prevent it, his brain moaned.
I cared so much it burned me, and still I couldn’t stop it , his soul cried.
—
he tried so hard, did so much.
he was a whirlwind of life, a pillar of creation.
his duality, his split nature, haunted and defined him. brain. heart. mind. soul.
but his heart and soul would unfailingly win the battle.
especially when the dust took peter.
when the dust overtook his child, that’s when he realized that he was governed by his emotions. reason and logic held no sway against blind and unconditional and roaring love.
because when the universe took peter, tony snapped. reason and logic and intellect be damned, he was saving his kid.
—
half the universe outweighs one boy , his mind reasoned.
peter’s worth more than them all , his heart roared back.
—
his love should’ve been enough. if the intensity or power of his love had had any effect, any sway on the universe, peter would’ve survived.
if fate was fair and death held any measure of justice peter would be okay.
because how could the universe take peter when he was the best thing in it? how could the universe justify taking an innocent boy when there were so many guilty men?
but death is cold and indifferent.
death doesn’t care for innocence. love doesn’t matter.
death is greedy and selfish and starving.
it looks down at all the souls, and it doesn’t see good or bad. right or wrong. guilty or innocent.
it just sees souls to devour. and so it does.
without thought or care for justice or mercy.
—
I loved him , his brain admitted.
but I still lost him, his soul wailed.
—
tony’s heart was bigger than his brain. his soul conquered his mind.
and yet it didn’t matter.
none of it was enough.