I want to
Did he just say that the Wizard tried to kill him?
There was a seemingly endless swirl going on in his head of what his kid had sprouted. If he was being honest-he didn’t expect it-he should have, but obviously he hadn’t. He had expected more of the self blame-as disheartening as it was-and maybe more mentions of Mysterio-or his ‘duty’ to the people, but he hadn’t truly been expecting him to go off in a rant. Not about failing everyone, and not about that Wizard-and not about weirdos from another dimension-which would really suggest that the multiverse theory that Peter had been so firmly against had actually been true-or really anything else he touched on. Not his Aunt being killed (hopefully for that caped-fucks sake not by the Wizard), not being hit by a train-he was hit by a fucking train?!-the whole rant was confusing-right down to the end.
If Tony didn’t focus he could hear ‘I want you to be better’ echoing around in his head, and it wasn’t something he was trying to experience on a day like this. His kid shouldn’t have taken that to heart-much like all the other things he had already-it was just one throw-away spur of the moment thing.
A spur of the moment ‘inspirational’ thing that Peter took to heart. Peter took it to heart, and now he wasn’t going to let it go because Tony never corrected himself. He wanted him to be doing better. This is not better, and he wasn’t going to let his statement go.
Well Tony would have to pry it from his scrawny teenager arms, and stomp it into bits then, wouldn’t he?
“I’m sorry.” Peter’s breath seemed to catch in his throat as he started to talk again. “I-I know I shouldn’t say that-because it’s my job-and now you’re gonna be mad-and I’m not doing it good enough-and-”
“Kid.” Tony found himself saying that a lot. It wasn’t wrong. It was applicable to Peter-but it was an upsetting reminder that it was exactly what Peter was. He was a kid. A seventeen-eighteen year old kid, who’s mentor had abandoned him, and left him to figure out everything else on his own-and where did that get him? He just ended up boxing himself into limits he can’t reach, and pushing Tony’s own stupid image onto a pedastool. Tony used to have this somewhat-irrational-somewhat-rational fear that Peter was going to crash and burn somehow, and nothing Tony put in his suit-or told him would help it. This was that coming to a true horrendous fruition. Nothing Tony gave Peter prevented this-if anything it shoved him right towards it. It wasn’t a good feeling. “You don’t need to apologize. I mean-being…being a hero is hard. I know it is.” It wasn’t an easy job-it shouldn’t really be a job-but it is. It’s a difficult job kids shouldn’t be forced to do. Peter included. “Buddy-I know you don’t agree with me, but it’s not your fault that the job is hard-and forcing yourself to do it, giving up everything else to do it doesn’t help anyone.” Peter dragged his feet up into his seat with him, leaving himself to bury his face into his knees. If his shoulders shook, Tony pretended not to see it. “I don’t think I understand everything Pete, but I know you’ve been through a lot.” A lot of unnecessary things that Tony could have helped him through if he had known him.
Peter made a noise that was almost inevitably swallowed by his knees. “That doesn’t matter.” Peter shifted his head enough to allow Tony a glimpse at his puffy-face. “Bad things happen. That-that doesn’t mean I get to be-I don’t get to just stop just because I’m hopeless-”
“Don’t say that.” It was like Peter was trying to break the reactor embedded in his chest. He might be. He wouldn’t put it past him, not after the emotional rollercoaster he kept dragging him onto-well…not really a roller coaster-it’s mostly been steadily down. “Don’t say that when it’s not true Peter.” Despite Peter’s best efforts, Tony knew his kid-and his kid was far from hopeless. Tony made an attempt to branch out by carefully bringing one of his hands to Peter’s shoulder. It was surprisingly well received. “You’re not hopeless-not at being a hero, or anything else kid. Bad things happen-and you’ve stopped a lot from being worse. Don’t beat yourself up over impossible odds.” That’s exactly what they were. The odds of Peter never making a mistake-and surviving on zero sleep-or life-sustaining items were intangible at best. Lethal at worst. The most Tony could imagine Peter doing-and persevering was a week at best-and that might get him to collapse at the end of it.
Tony’s done it often enough to know.
“You’re supposed to be mad-I can’t even come close to what you wanted!” How many things that he happened oto have said in the past were going to come back and hit him in the back of the head today? It really seemed like the list wasn’t going to end.
It didn’t help that he could see where he was coming from. That he could see how a one-off for Tony had somehow drilled itself into one of his kid’s brains so hard that he thought he’d take the time to be upset with him when they clearly had larger issues to deal with-all because he wasn’t somehow uninhibited by basic human needs-and functions. Hell somehow he blurred the line between Tony wanting better for Peter and somehow sacrificing every aspect of himself for people who didn’t even know his name-or his face-or anything else. He could understand Peter taking more of his time to be Spider-Man, if Tony’d been hit by a train, and apparently received death threats from a fucking Wizard, he’d probably hide behind Ironman whenever he got the chance. What he didn’t understand was how Peter just ‘decided’ not to be a person anymore, and to be just some unfathomable savior-who really couldn’t exist. Nor did he see how he made Tony into one either,
It’d been eight real years since he’s gotten a chance to be this close to his kid for any real amount of time. A lot can change in eight years-but surely Peter didn’t see him like some-above-all figure truly? It was hard enough knowing he blamed himself for every little mistake he’s ever made-but surely it’s not because of him right? He cared about Peter. He was like his kid-he was his kid-he knew-well he thought he knew about every painful villain he fought-and Peter knew Tony’s experience with heroism didn’t put him in a golden light. Right-right. It just so happened Peter seemed to ignore every not-so-black-and-white-heroic moment in Tony’s life-and Tony honestly had no idea what he was talking about for most of it. Right.
God, he wasn’t that aloof was he? It didn’t matter. Even if he was-or wasn’t, damage has clearly been done. They’ve (hopefully) hit rock bottom, and now the only way is up. Tony’s just got to figure out how to make a ladder.
After all, his kid should be in MIT-or wherever it is he wanted to go-not doing this to himself. He’s seen plenty of people crash, and he refuses to let Peter be another one of them.
“I shouldn’t have said that to you.” Even before all of this, it wasn’t right of him to tell an impressionable kid that he expected him-a fourteen year old child, to be better than him. He was a grown-somewhat stable man that had no business telling Peter that he expected him to be better. That was too much pressure-especially to put on someone who clearly was prepared to assume he was below street sludge. “You were a kid Peter-you still are. You’re not like me Peter. You’re loyal, kind-all kinds of brave,” possibly too brave for his own good, “and smart.” He replicated spider webbing in a chemistry classroom. He didn’t need much more proof than that. “You’re selfless, and you’re persistent.” Maybe a little too persistent for his liking. “You’re a great hero-whether you think so or not-you’re a good kid Peter. You just happen to be Peter Parker, and not Tony Stark. Being a great kid is nothing to beat yourself up over.” Peter-for the first time in what felt like forever, turned his head around where he could see his face.
He really wished he didn’t have to see Peter so upset.
“You wouldn’t say that if you were there.” He wasn’t wrong. Tony likely wouldn’t have to be reminding Peter of any of that if he was there.
“I’m sorry I wasn’t there buddy. I know you needed me-and I’m sorry. I’m sorry no one else tried to help you either. You’ve been through a lot-and you tried to explain it, and I’m not sure I understood half of it-” He better not have understood, for Stephen’s sake. “-but you’re still my kid, and I don’t think you should just talk yourself into the ground. You’re a person-people make mistakes-even heroic people can’t save everyone-or they forget, or all kinds of things-they make mistakes too. People aren’t perfect-and heroes can’t be perfect.” They can try. They can do what Peter did-and then they can kill themselves doing it.
“I keep making the same one’s Mister Stark-”
“So what? You see good things in people. It’s not a horrible curse Peter.” Tony’s attempt at rubbing comfort into Peter’s shoulder did not seem to work. He kept doing it anyway. “You want people to be better-and sometimes they’re just not. I’m sure it pays off sometimes, right?” Peter stared at the gear stick, before trying to nod from his spot atop his knees.
“Doc Ock. He was grumpy.” Tony hadn’t heard of Doc Ock-he presumed it had a multiversal explanation. Peter’s frown returned shortly, much to Tony’s disheartment. “He’s the only one that really…lived up to expectations.” Peter’s lip wobbled. “Goblin messed everything up. I was gonna fix everyone, and send them home, and he ruined it, and I can’t even blame him because it wasn’t Norman’s fault, and he’s all that’s left.” Several questions arose in Tony’s mind, that he knew were not something he should ask right then. He still wanted to. “If I stopped the Goblin before he started attacking people, I wouldn’t have lost anyone.”
“I’m sorry Peter.” He shouldn’t have to lose his only parent-and then literally be alone in the world. That wasn’t fair. No matter how unfair the world was, it never seemed to stop shocking him. “It’s not your fault she’s gone Peter. You didn’t know that was going to happen. Sometimes you can’t save everyone.” Tears forced their way out of Peter’s eyes, and down his angled face.
“I want to.” Peter straightened enough to get his chin away from his knees, making a futile attempt to stop his own crying. “I don’t like it when everyone dies.”
“I know you don’t buddy. I know you don’t-no one likes it.” Especially not when it was in their arms. “That’s why a lot of people stop doing it. They can’t handle it anymore.” Peter could handle it. Oh he could handle it-and everything else in all the worst ways. “That’s why I stopped.” Tony couldn’t be sure Peter would have looked more shocked than if he reached out, and punched him.
“You-you stopped because there wasn’t anything else you could do.” No, he left because there was nothing else he was willing to do. He had been slowing down for a while. He completely stopped after Peter…well disappeared. He never intended to do that forever.
“I snapped because I had the technology, the chance, and the will to do it Peter. I hadn’t done anything heroic in years. Some people just don’t want to be heroes anymore-and that’s okay. There’s always more-and no one’s going to stop you from going back if you feel like it. It’s a hard job.” Especially for a kid who-as of Tony’s last conversation with May, still believed that the Easter Bunny was perfectly plausible. There were a few beats of silence in which neither of them said anything at all. Well, beside’s Peter’s poorly sedated sobs, and the sound of Tony’s hand failing to reassure him.
Peter took a shaky breath in. “I’m tired.” He shook his head. “I don’t want to do it anymore.”
“Do you want a hug buddy?”