Time to grieve
You feel it as soon as you set foot again into the command center. A shift in the air, the energy heavier than ever, the faces a little more gloomy, and all eyes set on you. Even Howard, who is as much in the dark as you can feel it because he starts to drag his feet and his eyes, set on the floor.
You find Peggy alone, sitting behind an abandoned desk, looking defeated. Her usually collected person is now in disarray. You can tell she has been crying for the stains on her cheeks. She must be in a kind of trance because she doesn't move when Howard calls his name. It's not until you stand in front of her that her eyes open wide, and you can see the sadness welling up in them.
When you look at her, a knot ties in your throat. She gets up, and hugs you desperately, "I'm sorry, Victoria. I'm so sorry dear." You try to make sense of her words, and a sense of dread builds up inside you. Howard looks as baffled as you are, his brows tightly knitted in concern. You peel away from Peggy and hold her at arm's length, "Peggy, calm down. Tell me what happened," you stroke her hair, trying to comfort her, "Howard, please bring her a glass of water." He nods and leaves quickly.
You motion her to sit down again while holding her hand. Howard is back in no time with a bottle of whiskey and three glasses, "Just in case," he says as he holds the glasses up. You pour some of the liquid into one glass and hold it in front of Peggy. "Drink up you'll feel better." She chugs down the liquor, and her face recovers its usual color. "Breath," She does as you say, "Great, keep breathing," You accompany her inhaling and exhaling until you notice that she is calmer.
After a few minutes, she regains her composure and grabs your hand again. "Take it easy. Do you need another minute?" She shakes her head, and with a deep sigh she starts, "After you left, we intercepted an encrypted communication from Hydra. Zola was going to move by train to a new location. We didn't know the destination, but we had the train route. So Phillips cleared a mission to apprehend him on his way. The train was going up the Pyrenees," the knot in your throat grows with every passing word. "The team jumped into the train, and there was a fight. I'm sorry, Victoria, Bucky fell off the train."
You have been shot, beaten, stabbed, and humiliated, but you have never, ever felt such pain. You feel your knees hit the ground because your legs can't support you. Your vision is blurry and you don't understand why until you notice the tears running down your cheeks. A raw, primal scream rips from your throat. You feel a hole where until a few moments ago you were sure that your heart was beating. Bucky, your cousin, your friend, the brother you never had is gone. Forever.
In your head, all the memories crowd one after the other. The only thing you can do is stay there, motionless, empty, devoid of all joy. The only thing you have left is sadness. The only thing you feel is pain. It's not something you can fix, there's no plan to fix it, and there's nothing you can do to change it. And you hate yourself for it.
Howard and Peggy manage to lift you off the floor and into the chair. He offers you a glass of whiskey, but you shake your head, all your senses numb. You manage to hear that Zola was captured, and Phillips convinced him to give him Schmidt's last location. "Zola is here?" you snap your head toward Peggy. "Yes, he's in a holding room in basement 3." You leave the room, anger rising like bile in your throat. Howard sprints after you, but you beat him and get into the elevator first, closing the door in his face.
You get to the basement, a large corridor full of doors, and a lonely soldier guards one of them. You fix yourself up a bit and head to the guard. When he sees you he stands in attention and salutes you, you return the salute. "Private, please open up. I need to speak with the prisoner." He looks at you, unsure of what to do, "Sorry, ma'am I can't let you in, Colonel's orders." He's nervous but determined. You turn around to leave, and he lowers his guard so you take your chance and punch him as hard as you can, leaving him unconscious on the floor. "I'm sorry, but you're on my way," you apologize while you search his pockets for the key.
You open the cell, and the tiny man looks at you dumbfounded. "You killed him!" He puts his glasses on, "Who are you?" Your breathing is heavy, and you start to see red. "You killed my cousin, you monster!" He frowns, and eventually, his eyebrows shoot up in surprise. "Oh! You're the girl from ze factory. Who is your couzin?" You can't take it anymore. You walk up to him, grab him by the collar, and shake him. "The one you throw from the train, you sick BASTARD!" He shuts his eyes with fear, and you throw him back on the cot with disgust. "You're a weak, pathetic piece of shit. You're not even worth the bullet you deserve between your eyes'' You turn around to leave.
When you reach the door, he starts to laugh, "What are you laughing at?" You snap. "It's funny... jijijijij... jijijiji... we were trying... jijiji... to kill the other, but we actually... jijiji!" You stomp back to him and hit him right on the nose, "Do you think this is funny?" His nose is bleeding, but he keeps laughing like a maniac. "Do," you punch him again, "You," you land another blow, "Think," he's on the floor, so you kick him, "Is," the tip of your boot connects with his abdomen, "Funny?" You keep punching over and over until someone grabs you from behind and pulls you out. The pull is so hard that you literally fly across the room and away from Zola.
When your feet hit the ground again, you try to throw yourself on Zola again and wriggle free of your captor. "Victoria, STOP!" Steve's voice cuts through the fog in your brain, and you stand still. He releases you and turns you around. He looks devastated, broken, and sad. "He killed him" It's all you can say before collapsing one more time on your knees. He kneels with you, and you hug him. You start to cry and wail, letting the sadness flow on you. Steve strokes your hair and silently cries with you.
You don't know how long you stay in that position. But it seems you've run out of tears to shed, completely dry and empty. Steve gently helps you up and you walk towards the cell door. Before leaving Zola coughs and you turn to look at him. His face is a map of bruises and cuts. Your blood runs cold thinking that you are responsible for each of them. "Too bad about your cousin, Fräulein. He was the best test subject we found." Anger threatens to choke you again, but Steve squeezes your hand, and you look at him. He shakes his head, letting you know that it's not worth getting your hands dirty anymore.
Outside Peggy, Howard, and Phillips are waiting for you. Phillips gives you a disapproving look but doesn't say anything. Howard takes you from Steve's arms and guides you out. Halfway there, you turn and look at Steve, "I know you have Schmidt's location. I'm coming with you" Steve is about to say no, but you cut him off with a wave of your hand. "Bucky was my brother. And you're damn wrong if you think I will not avenge his death" He sighs in defeat and nods. "We leave at zero five hundred. Be ready" You nod and leave with Howard.
He walks you to your makeshift room and you start to get ready. Howard sits on the bunk and watches you go back and forth placing weapons, explosives, and whatever lethal instruments you have lying around in your bag. "What are you doing?" You stop short and look at him "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm preparing for the mission." He sighs and pats the cot next to him for you to sit on, you ignore him and continue with what you were doing. "Victoria, talk to me." You stop again and look at him in exasperation. "What do you want me to tell you? That I just lost the only family I had left? That I just reduced one of those responsible to a pulp?" "Come sit here and calm down. You still have your parents"
You start to move erratically around the room as if you were looking for something you can't find " 'If you go out that door you are dead to us' Those were my parents' last words. And you know what? I walked through that damn door and now I have nothing "You didn't know you still had tears left, but there you are crying again. Howard stands up and hugs you "You're not alone, I'm with you" "Until you get bored of me or find a prettier one" you mock bitterly.
"Is that really what you think?" He looks hurt, but you're determined to bury the knife deeper still. "Isn't that the norm with you, Mr. Bigshot? How many secretaries and operators have passed through your bed, only to be discarded for a better one hours later?" You are being completely unfair and the contempt with which you speak to him does not make sense. "But Victoria, with you it's different. How many times do I have to explain it to you? I thought that after Greece..." He draws the words trying to understand you. "What? You thought that one fuck was all it took me to fall at your feet? I'm sorry to disappoint you, Mr. Stark, but you're no better than the rest. And I'm not the one you want." He kisses you desperately, but you push him and slap him. "Out!" You extend your arm pointing to the exit, and he comes out rubbing his cheek already starting to turn red. When he closes the door you throw yourself on the bed and continue crying.