Denial
The sun had barely risen when a loud pounding on the door woke you from a pleasant dream. The room is smaller than your bedroom back home, there's only a bunk bed; a table filled with papers, reports, and notes; two chairs, and the world's smallest kitchen. All your belongings neatly fitted in the army standard-issued trunk and your most cherished possession hanging from the wall; a picture of Bucky, Steve, and you at the Coney Island Fair.
The pounding intensifies and you shout "I'm coming!" You struggle to get under the covers and land with your ass on the floor "Is everything OK in there Victoria?" Bucky's voice sounds amused. You get up and unlock the door for him to enter. "Do you know what time it is?" He doesn't answer but a smile is playing on his lips and he's holding a package in his hands.
"What?" His smile broadens while he follows you with his eyes as you prepare the first coffee of the day. "What?" you ask again, increasingly irritated and he starts to sway and sing "Heaven...I'm in heaven" You give him a stern look and hold a menacing spoon at him "I warn you, James, cut the teasing and tell me why you're here?" He stops but the smile doesn't leave "Why didn't you tell me you caught the most eligible bachelor on both sides of the Atlantic?"
You roll your eyes "Last warning James, last. warning" He holds his hands up in defeat "All right, all right...but you can't deny it was a hell of a show" Your shoe is in the air before the finishes the sentence but he ducks at the precise moment and it hits the door. "Are you crazy?" He looks at you as if you have sprouted another head. You stand up with the other shoe held high "I won't miss the next one. Cut. the. bull"
"Dolly, I love you. But you're mad as a hatter" He sits and takes a look around until his eyes find the picture and a sad smile paints on his lips. You follow his gaze to the wall "It seems like ages ago" Your voice seems to cut the spell he's on and he looks back as you come with a cup of coffee for him and another for you and take sit opposite to him.
"Thank you. I have something to share '' He puts a package in front of you, wrapped in brown paper and tied with a string, on top, your aunt's neat calligraphy. With sparkling eyes your mouth waters with anticipation "Is this?"
"Yes, mum sent me cookies" He quickly opens the box and there they are Aunt Winnie's sugar cookies in all his sweet and pillowy glory. You put one in your mouth and almost moan with delight. "I didn't know how much I've missed auntie's cookies" Bucky looks at you with his mouth full and smiles as happy as you are. For a moment you both sit in silence, enjoying the moment and the treats.
After a while, his mood darkens "We won't be able to get back to that" He points at the smiling faces in the frame, everything seemed so simple back then. "I know, but I have to think that all this means something, we can't just give up" You try to swallow the coffee but your throat is closed
"I almost did, you know? On that table, connected to all those tubes pumping something inside me I almost gave up. I'm not proud, but at the moment it seemed the best solution, just close my eyes and drift away" You hold his hand and listen, just like he had done the previous day "But then I remembered you, and Steve, and how much fun we've had. And I remembered mum, all alone at home and I knew that I have to stay strong until someone came for me"
You stand up and hug him tight "I won't let you drift away, I promise" He relaxes in your embrace and you keep your arms around him.
Moments later he composes himself "Phillips called us to a meeting, we have to be there at eight" You pell your arms from him "Let me get dressed and I'll be downstairs in a couple of minutes" He stands up, walks to the door and turns around before leaving "You know I love you, don't you?" You nod your head "Howard is a good man, he can make you happy don't cling to something that never blossomed" With that words, he's out.
Five minutes after eight you and Bucky enter the war room of the SSR headquarters. Peggy, Phillips, Steve, Howard, and Monty are already there waiting, you both stand to attention and salute the highest-ranking officers. Phillps barely acknowledges the salute and glares at you "Welcome Lieutenant, I appreciate you honoring us with your participation in this meeting" you shake the sarcastic tone off and pay attention.
"In this map, you see here, Captain Rogers has pointed out various landmarks he spotted on a similar map in Zola's lab" Phillps pointed out one by one as he speaks "If we cross reference this information with the 'blank' zones Victoria found you can see that they match perfectly" Peggy picks up from where Phillips left laying down the map you've stared at for weeks trying to find Schmidt's lair.
"These are all the factories we know about, but the parts were shipped to another place that's not on this map" Bucky chimes in "Agent Carter, I want everyone with a set of eyes looking for that base, you can coordinate with MI6 and get me that intel as soon as possible" Peggy nods to Phillips and gets out.
"Stark, what can you tell me about the guns" Phillips points at him and you shift uncomfortably "Those are really interesting toys Colonel, they seem to be powered by a form of energy unknown to this day. But is very unstable once you pull it out of the gun, half of my lab is destroyed after we tried to handle it" He touches the cut on his forehead "So, you can't tell us anything" Steve looks at him dismissively "No, not nothing the emission signature is unusual and alpha and beta rays are neutral, it only becomes unstable when you close the circuit"
"Thank you, Stark. I believe you have some things for Captain Rogers, please prepare everything, he'll be with you in a few minutes" Howard nods at Phillips and stand to leave when his eyes meet yours, and without a word he exits. You can feel Bucky chuckling next to you and you elbow him on the side while getting your attention back to Phillips.
"What are we going to do Sr?" You ask Phillips "Gather the team, we're going to shake the bush until the rabbit comes out. Davidson, Falsworth you can trace a plan to take out the nearest facility. Rogers be one step ahead and collect every piece of information we have on the second target. We're gonna pull the rug out off Schmidt's ass so fast he won't see it coming " With that sentence, the meeting is over.
Half an hour later Steve and Howard are exiting the lab, you're on your way to talk to Howard, but you stop in your tracks when you see them "So it's a meal?" Steve looks confused "Yes, is melted cheese and you soak the bread with it, it was nothing more than a friendly invite" Howard puts his hand on Steve's shoulder and you breathe in relief that they're getting along.
"I feel a little stupid now, I thought..." Steve's words trail off and Howard smiles "That it was some sort of code?" Steve blushes "Yes, I thought that you were trying to play Victoria and Peggy...I...I mean Agent Carter" Howard shakes his head "Not at all pal! Carter scares the living days out of me...Victoria on the other hand" his smile becomes playful "What about Victoria?"
Howard looks at Steve in disbelief "Are you blind? That woman is gorgeous, intelligent, intrepid, and knows how to throw a punch" He massages his jaw remembering his first encounter with you " Steve laughs while peering through all the trinkets laid out for him on the table "Don’t worry you’re not the first she refused" He holds a square shield but quickly discard it.
"I’ll have to keep trying, she’s too good to let go. Tell me more about her, how's she like when she's not being 'lady jump off a plane'?" Steve looks absentmindedly to the other side of the room "Well, stop rushing her, don't propose every five minutes. Be her friend, and buy her ice cream, chocolate, and lemon are his favorites. And no romance, she hates romance. She loves a good cup of coffee in the mornings, and don’t even try to take her outside if it’s raining. And she loves to laugh" Howard looks at Steve as the fountain of knowledge.
You’re touched by Steve’s words, but at the same time mad because you think he’s handing you to another man. Steve picks up a round shield "You know her very well indeed" Steve nods "I think this is perfect" Howard snorts "You're no fool, that material is impenetrable and half as light as regular steel, but that's only a prototype"
"Feels good and light" Steve puts on the shield "Tell me more about her and it's yours" Howard looks desperate and Steve smiles at him. You're offended, your private life is not a bargaining chip and anger builds up in you. Steve turns around and spots you "Hey Victoria, what do you think?" You grab a pistol off the table and shot.
Steve and Howard hide behind the shield until the entire magazine is over, you lay the gun on the table and walk past him "That will be just fine...Idiots!" You leave fuming. A laugh from behind makes Steve and Howard turn "She's right, you're a pair of idiots" Bucky walks away with his hands in his pockets and laughing.
You keep staring at the file in your hands, unable to make sense of any word you read. Bucky's words keep playing on a loop in your brain over and over. Maybe he's right, Howard IS a good man, and he seems interested in you, god knows why. But you've been hung up on Steve for so long, you know him so well, he's your friend after all. And you've never said anything to him, so he went off with the first pair of legs that looked in his direction...
You violently shut the file, that's not fair to Peggy, she never knew and, based on what you know she'd been interested in him before the serum. You pinch the bridge of your nose as a light headache builds up, you're in desperate need of some caffeine.
Something lands on your desk with a light thump, and immediately, the smell of coffee fills your nostrils, and your mouth waters. You open your eyes and see Howard with an apologetic smile and a pastry "I've noticed you struggling with the file, so I got you some coffee and something to eat" You huff annoyed and he held up his hands in surrender "I came to apologize too, for earlier, you know?"
You grab the cup and give a reluctant sip, the strong and hot beverage warming you instantaneously, exactly what you needed. You point your head to the sit next to you and he seats handling the pastry. You take a bite and you're surprised to notice that's filled with lemon curd, he did his homework.
Howard is looking at you sheepishly, as he starts to speak you hold a finger up to him to wait. He stays there in silence till you finish the pastry and coffee "You've said you came to apologize. Well, apology accepted" You try to stand up to leave but he stops you and make you sit again.
"Please, let me talk" He's been reasonable and you can't act like a child, so you seat again and listen "I want to apologize for everything, for last night, for every time I've asked you to marry me when you make it clear from the first time that you won't do it. I'm not used to people saying no to me" You scoff and roll your eyes "Did you think that if you asked me ten million times I would say yes?"
His cheeks redden with shame "Yes, but I'm sorry. I liked you like every other girl at first" You raise an eyebrow "At first?" He blushes "It's a good pickup line, you know? You close your eyes and lift your eyebrows "I really don't want to know" He scrambles in his sit "As I said, at first you seemed like any other girl, but then I got to know you and I discovered how incredible you are, how brave and intelligent, how you care about the people you love and I realized that..."
He looks at you and a little string in your heart clenches "Howard, I can't be what you want" Sorrow paints his face and you hate yourself for that. In a blink of an eye, he gets back to his usual self "At least we can be friends, right?" You nod silently, hoping one day he can forgive you.