“Come have a beer with me”
He looked up from his shopping list with knitted brows.
“What?”
“I said-”
Logan stepped around the chair to face the other man.
“come have a beer with me”
Scott thought for a moment then set the pad and pen onto the coffee table beside the chair.
“Ok”
It was a strange request, an outrageous one even due to the fact that Logan was a lone wolf type, especially when it came to his nightly ritual of a drink. They passed through the garage and where Logan stopped at the mini fridge to procure a six pack, one of his beers and to Scotts surprise a bottle of vodka. They stepped out to the garden and Logan directed him to a spot with two lawn chairs where they sat and got comfortable.
“Moons big tonight”
Scott gazed across the grounds now illuminated by the glow of the lunar body.
“Yep”
With a pop Logan cracked a beer and let the cap clatter to his feet, Scott would pick it up later for the recycling. Logan wordlessly thrust the large bottle of white liquor into the other hand and Scott accepted, twisting the lid and taking a breath before raising the bottle to his lips. It had been a while since he had a drink and the first sip made his nose crinkle but after the next two it went down like water.
“You always get the housekeeper drunk?’
He inquired lightheartedly as he leaned forward and propped his elbows on his knees bottle resting on the concrete between his feet.
“No, considering your the only one we've had”
With a hm Scotts eyes went back to scanning over the grounds.
“Something about you is off”
Scott was quick to look at him.
“What?”
Scott stared at his expression, the Logan gaze as it was jokingly called by the other staff.
“The way you carry yourself is confident but you don't act like it, i can't figure you out like i have everybody else”
He fell silent and they stared at each other for a long time.
“What aren't you telling us? Because you're definitely hiding something”
Scott broke the contact first, eyes trained to the bottle between his feet.
Logan took another sip from his own.
Scott sighed and ran a hand up his arm.
“I honestly don't even know where to start”
“We got all night”
“Hm”
Scott played with his hands as his mind raced to articulate.
“Guess I can start at the beginning, best way to do it, yeah?”
Logan nodded and settled back into his chair. His body language was completely relaxed, he truly was giving Scott all the time he needed.
“When i was..i guess 10 or 11, i noticed some things”
He took a long pull.
“Things about the other .. girls and then me, i just couldn't make it work, couldn't fit in no matter how hard i tried, i did the dresses and cute outfits,makeup , boy talk….but i dunno it's like i was doing it wrong or something”
Logan stayed silent but his expression was contemplating.
“Hell even the liking boys part, i do it was just different then especially when i realized how nice girls where”
Logan gave a hm of agreement.
“I didn't understand why dresses made me feel so wrong when they made the other girls so happy, why makeup made me feel..uglier even if it was pretty , like when i looked in the mirror all i saw was somebody playing dress up”
He lapsed into a silence for a moment and Logan produced a cigar from his jacket..
“ my dad and grandparents werent the best people especially when it came to people being ‘different’ so i just watched from the sidelines when they would talk and , making fun of “the men in dresses’ and the “faggots who want rights’ and i think subconsciously it made me suppress my feelings, hide my questions, i just couldn't make it make sense”
He lit the cigar.
“Before Highschool, my dad kicked me out, i was 13 and my brother had found a love letter to a girl in my class, he took me on a long drive….made sure it was clear that my ‘kind’ wouldnt be tolerated in his house..he dropped me off at my mothers with nothing but the clothes on my back, all my other shit got boxed up and thrown away”
Logan's brows had begun to furrow in what he assumed was sympathy but he couldn't look the other man in the eyes.
“ i made some friends freshman year who told me what i was, that there was a word for it , transgender…and for the first time things actually made sense, i was so excited to tell my mom and my other grandma, her mom,”
Logan nodded.
“That led to some…long years… they didn't understand either”
He traced his fingers over the scars along his inner wrist. long since healed.
"i couldn't get no help,still stuck in a spiral of just being so confused”
Logan took a long drink from his bottle.
“So i learned how to hide it…t just accept that i wasn't going to get help, that i was just stuck like ..this”
He gestured vaguely to himself.
“I made friends who were the same as me and watched how quickly the transitioned, there parents completely accepting of there new son or daughter..and it hurt even worse “
Logan watched the way the bottle trembled in Scott's hands.
“Its been almost 8 years now, and i haven't made any kind of progress besides a fucking name and clothes, i destroyed my rib cage when i was a stupid teenager, so i cant bind anymore, my insurance is shit, im broke and i'm just….”
He spat the words out like they were tangible and took another long drag.
“And i'm just drunk”
He sighed and finally turned his head to face the other.
Logan had stopped drinking and simply looked at the other with hard eyes.
Scott fidgeted under his gaze and ended up turning away again, almost jumping out of his skin when Logan's hand rested on his shoulder.
“Thank you for trusting me with that”
Scott swallowed the lump in his throat and shook his head.
“I hate it Logan, i gotta lie everyday, pretend it doesn't hurt pretend everything's ok”
His voice cracked and he turned completely away , rubbing at his eyes as he fought the building emotion.
“I'm just so… scared, i'm so fucking terrified, i carry myself like this confident woman …and im just..not”
He wiped furiously at his eyes and sat the bottle onto the ground.
“I'm uh..i'm going to drink some coffee and go home, see ya tomorrow”
he turned to leave and paused again.
"keep all that to yourself ,ok?'
With that Scott walked back inside and Logan was left to ponder as he stared out onto the grounds.