wandering
Maria sometimes had to work at night. She could be called into her office or to go handle some emergency but she always left Yelena a note about where she was going and when she expected to be back.
Maria started acting a little differently to Yelena after she had been sick. Yelena figures she must have said something but Maria didn’t bring it up and she didn’t seem mad so Yelena lets things lie.
Yelena jerks awake, her eyes immediately falling onto Maria’s bed. She had a violent night terror that ended in Maria’s death and seeing the empty bed is very unsettling.
Yelena shifts before growing still when she realizes that her pajamas and sheets are damp. Shame and humiliation burn through her as she drops her head into her hands.
She had wet the bed.
It wasn’t the first time she’d done it. The first time it happened Yelena had been nearly hysterical in apologies, pleading for forgiveness from Maria. She had promised to clean it up, to be good, to do whatever Maria wanted so that she wouldn’t be mad at her.
She’s pretty sure she scared Maria. Maria had grabbed her shoulders and raised her voice slightly to get her attention and told Yelena that it was okay. Maria promised that she wasn’t mad and that accidents happened.
Yelena shoves her sheets off of her and slides out of bed to approach Maria’s bed. There was a note left on the pillow.
In the communications office. Unsure of when I’ll return.
Yelena takes a few moments to read the English, struggling on the third word. As soon as she washes up, changes her pajamas, and strips the sheets off of her bed, Yelena slips out of the bedroom in search of Maria.
The metal floor under her bare feet is cold but Yelena doesn’t bother to double back for socks. The communications office is a little far away and Yelena’s still distressed about the dream she just had and wanted nothing more than Maria to hold her.
Yelena drags her fingers along the wall, counting the doors along the way to try and focus on something other than the vivid image of Maria dying.
It doesn’t work. Tears gather in Yelena’s eyes as she heads down the hallway, phantom streaks of blood on her hands from where she had tried to stop the bleeding.
The halls are nearly empty at this time. Agents are either sleeping or out on a mission. There is the rare agent haunting the halls to escape their own demons.
“You shouldn’t be up.”
Yelena violently startles at the deep voice from behind her. She spins around, looking up at the tall towering form of Nick Fury who had just stepped out of his office. She hadn’t even realized she had passed his office.
His form is slightly blurry from the tears gathered in her eyes.
“I’m looking for Ria,” Yelena says quietly, curling in on herself. “I’m sorry.”
Fury stares down at her and Yelena reaches up to cover her face because she can’t stop the tears from spilling over. “For fucks sake.” Fury murmurs quietly, heaving out a sigh.
“Please don’t get rid of me.” Yelena knows that she’s not supposed to be out of her room and Fury had warned one toe out of line and she was gone. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I just want Ria.”
There’s a whine in her tone that she can’t hide. She’s just spiraling into a teary mess right in front of someone who just wants to toss her behind bars.
He shifts closer to her and Yelena braces herself for a hit. Hands rest on her shoulders and Yelena can’t help but flinch.
“Stop crying.” Fury says and Yelena buries her face into her hands because she can’t. “Maria’s busy at the moment.”
Yelena sobs because she just wants Maria. Fury’s hold is gentle and it reminds her of when she was Alyssa and Fury liked her.
She’s not Alyssa and she can’t let herself be lulled by the kind touch.
Fury lets out another long sigh and the hands on her shoulder moves to her back. Yelena is ushered back the way she had just come and into Fury’s office.
“I’m sorry!” Yelena doesn’t know why she’s going into his office. “Please, don’t get rid of me. I don’t wanna go!”
“Sit down.” Fury orders and Yelena drops into the seat he guided her toward. “I’m not getting rid of you.”
Yelena can’t pull her face from her hands yet. She doesn’t know what he wants and she’s terrified of doing something wrong.
She can hear the squeak of leather as he takes a seat back into his chair and then the sound of a pen scribbling on paper.
He says nothing more and Yelena wonders if she’s supposed to be doing something. She’s trying to pull herself together quickly, wiping at her face and shoving her Red Room manufactured mask on.
When she finally looks up, no more tears in her eyes, Fury is doing paperwork.
She’s hit with a pang of deja vu. She remembers doing this as Alyssa, curled up in the same chair she was sitting at now and coloring on the back of reports that Fury called pieces of shit and would then claim was lost with agents just to make them redo it.
Yelena pulls her knees up to her chin. “Is Ria okay?” She needs to ask him. She still can see Maria’s bloodied body from her dreams.
“She’s fine. She’s directing agents toward an extraction point after an assignment went FUBAR,” Fury replies. Yelena doesn’t expect a full answer, glancing at him in surprise.
The office is quiet for a few more moments and Yelena glances at the door.
She remembers shooting someone there. A young agent that was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Yelena chews on her lower lip, a bad habit that Maria was trying to get her break. Yelena had learned to distract herself with pain to focus in the Red Room.
“Director?” Yelena doesn’t know what possesses her to pipe up.
Fury lets out a grunt of acknowledgment.
“I’m sorry.” Yelena tells him. “For doing what I did.”
She can hear him set the paper he was looking at down. “For what?” He questioned harshly.
“For killing him.” Yelena takes a chance and glances up at him. His one eye was trained on her and she can’t help but squirm. “For stealing. For running away. For coming back. I didn’t want--” She cuts herself off. It was an excuse. Widows don’t get excuses.
“You didn’t want what?” Fury doesn’t let her off the hook.
“I didn’t want to hurt anybody. You-- you guys were nice to me. You were nice to me,” Yelena swallows hard. “You never once hurt me. Even after all I did. You didn’t even hit me for killing your agent. You could have. I deserved it.”
“You were eight. We weren’t beating an eight year old,” Fury says and Yelena’s brow furrows in confusion.
“But I would have earned it. I got back and I failed and they put me under and shoved this scope into my stomach for the file but it was ruined. Six months of undercover work all down the drain. My cover was blown…” Yelena fiddles with the hem of her pajama shirt. She then pulls her shirt up to reveal her right side to reveal pink scarring. “They hit me so hard my…” She paused, searching for the word in English. “Gal… gall… the thing by the liver. It ruptured. They had to take it out.”
She can feel his eyes on her.
“And for punishment they wouldn’t take it out until it hurt so much that I passed out.” Yelena drops her shirt. “And I thought about wanting to come back here. Whatever you had planned for me couldn’t be worse.”
“That was torture.” Fury said, his voice eerily calm. “It should not have happened.”
“I never wanted to hurt anybody.” Yelena continues on much quieter. “I didn’t want to hurt you. I’m sorry.”
Whatever Fury was going to say is interrupted by the door to his office opening.
The sight of Maria, unharmed and blood free, spurs Yelena out of her chair and across the room. “Mama!”
Maria scoops her up into her arms and Yelena doesn’t hesitate to wind her arms around Maria’s neck, burying her face against her shoulder.
“Hi sweetheart,” Maria kisses the top of her head, cradling her close. “Are you okay?”
Yelena nods her head. “Better now.” Yelena murmurs. Maria was there and alive and holding her close. “I missed you.”
“I missed you too,” Maria says, swaying side to side. “Are you ready to go back to bed?”
“Can I sleep with you?” Yelena questioned, letting herself be enveloped by Maria’s arms.
“Of course you can,” Maria then turns her attention toward the other person in the room, and Yelena is reminded that Fury is there.
She then realizes what she called Maria. Her face burns in embarrassment at the slip of her tongue.
“Are we free to leave, sir?” Maria is trying to gauge why Yelena was in his office in the first place and if she needed to defend her.
“You’re dismissed.” Fury grunts and Yelena breathes out a small sigh of relief. She buries her face into the crook of Maria’s neck so that she doesn’t see the look on Fury’s face when Maria turns to leave.
Maria carries Yelena down the empty hallways. “Are you okay?”
“I’m sorry. I was looking for you.” Yelena doesn’t know if she should mention the slip of the tongue she had just now or pretend it didn’t happen.
“I can tell. You’ve been crying,” Maria’s hand slides over Yelena’s hair, cupping the back of her head. “Did you have a nightmare?”
“You died.” Yelena explains softly, peering down the hall over Maria’s shoulder. “And you left me like everybody else…” Yelena takes a few moments to pick her next words carefully. “My family leaves me. They always do. My mommy died, my daddy gave us to the Red Room…”
Yelena hesitates. Her big sister had been a secret she kept close to her heart. It was a piece of her that she didn’t have to share with anybody and couldn’t be used against her.
“My big sister tried but they took her from me,” Yelena continues, resting her cheek against Maria’s shoulder. “She’s a Widow too… I dunno if she’s dead.”
“I promise to you now that I will be here for however long you’ll have me,” Maria said, her hand rubbing reassuringly up and down Yelena’s back.
“People close to me die.” Yelena was much quieter, thinking of how they were taught that Widows didn’t form attachments. “I don’t want you to die, Ria.”
“I’m not going anywhere hopefully for a very long time,” Maria reaches their room and shifts Yelena onto her hip so she can scan her hand in the fingerprint reader. It’s not until Maria is setting Yelena down onto her bed when she sees Yelena’s stripped bed that she asks a question. “What was her name? Your sister?”
Yelena thinks about if she should reply. She missed her big sister more than anything. “I called her Nattie.”
Maria undoes her boots, kicking them off and setting them aside. “She sounds like a good big sister.”
“She was. The best.” Yelena watches Maria move around the room to get ready for bed. Maria’s back is toward her as she rummages around in the dresser for her pajamas. Yelena doesn’t know why but she can’t help but test the boundaries. “Mama?”
“Yes?” Maria shuffles through the clothes, not even hesitating.
Yelena bites down on her lower lip harshly for a few moments. “Is that okay?”
Maria paused, turning to look at her as if she didn’t even realize what Yelena called her. “What?”
Yelena pulls her knees to her chest. “Can I call you that?” She whispers, losing all confidence that she had gathered up.
Maria sets down the clothes in her hands, approaching the bed and scooping Yelena back up into her arms. “I don’t mind it. It’s not the first time you’ve called me that.”
Yelena peers at Maria’s face. “But is it okay?” She stressed. “People will know.” Yelena’s worried about the implications of Commander Hill letting a child assassin call her that.
“I would be honored to have you call me that,” Maria said, nothing but honesty in her tone. At Yelena’s look of disbelief, she continues. “Any woman would be lucky to be your mother.”
Yelena bites down on her lip again to fight away that spring to her eyes. “And I can be yours?” She dares to question.
“If you want to be,” Maria says and Yelena wants nothing more than that.
“But what if Fury--” Yelena starts but is quickly interrupted by Maria.
“Don’t worry about him. I’ll handle him, okay?” Maria kissed her forehead softly, nuzzling her nose into Yelena’s hair. “I would be proud to have you as my daughter.”
Yelena can’t help but smile. “Yeah?”
“Yeah,” Maria agrees. “I love you so much.”
Yelena would never get tired of hearing those words. “I love you too, mama.”
She’s rewarded with Maria peppering her face with kisses.