Relearning
Small hands held his as he dragged himself from whatever depths he’d been being held under. It took a while, a few false starts, but eventually he’d was able to peel his eyelids back and stare at the concrete ceiling.
“Steve?” A soft voice asked, “can you hear me?”
He pulled his eyes to the side to see Olive sitting there, looking tired and scared.
He tried to speak but his throat was too cracked and dry. So he nodded, barely.
She sagged in relief and clutched his hand harder. “You scared us. You were out for so long. They were poisoned.”
His eyebrows pulled down in question and Olive saw. “Her nails. Her nails were coated in poison. But we didn’t know, so you were dying and we didn’t know why. It wasn’t till the scratches started to blacken that we realized they weren’t normal scratches. Howard figured out an antidote as quickly as he could.”
He heard her words, but they processed slowly.
Whose nails were poisoned?
————
Later he was sitting up, more alert and being forced to drink copious amounts of water and another liquid that he would describe as green sludge.
“Howard.” He croaked, “I can’t, no more.”
“Listen, pal. That poison is feeding off the serum. How the hell did they manage to figure that out, huh? That’s a big problem. We can’t let it win. So keep drinking.”
He swallowed another mouth full and wanted to vomit.
—————
Rebecca and Olive were sitting beside each other in his hospital room, asleep as he watched the footage of the capitol bombing parts of district 7 because a rebellion was getting out of hand.
His hands accidentally crushed the tablet.
—————-
He was taking his first steps and he was wobbly, his muscles fighting against him. Everyone was acting like it was the end of the world, but he tried to ease the tension by saying, “feels like the old me.”
The room went silent.
So he didn’t make any jokes after that.
—————-
He looked at the mirror. Black jagged scratch marks cover his face, looking dark and ugly and making him look terrifying.
His eye that could see at the moment registered the fear on other people’s faces when he looked at them. His ‘bad’ eye just saw everything in a haze of gray. It was disconcerting to not be able to see.
He’d grown used to having these abilities. It was not a good feeling to know he could lose them.
———-
He was finally allowed to eat other foods along with the green sludge. He asked about Peggy multiple times and received tight lipped responses. He tried to go see her again but was stopped by armed guards. He shoved them aside and almost made it to the room when Phillips appeared.
“Son, just don’t.”
“I need to see her.”
“She tried to kill you.”
Steve frowned, “yeah, and?”
Phillips looked at him, “we need you alive.”
He sighed, “I don’t plan on letting her kill me. But I need to see her. The capitol did something to her—“
“Steve, they did a lot of things to her. Best to give it some time.”
He felt his hands tremble, the poison still fighting him everyday. “I can’t leave her to be alone.”
“She’s got company.”
His head snapped up, “who?”
“Monty’s been able to make headway. Dugan… and of course Jones.”
His heart clenched, “how’s Jones?”
“Resilient.”
Steve nodded, and let himself be led back to his room.
He tried to sneak to see her later that night, but she’d been moved. He sagged against the wall and sat, staring at the bed.
————-
Hands shook him awake. He groaned, muscles shaking and contracting. A voice was shouting,
“—you think this is a game? Steve! Wake the hell up!” He groaned again and hands hauled him into a sitting position, “you think this is funny!? HUH!” A needle in his arm and fiery pain had him shoving the hands away. But a slap across his face had his eyes jolting open. A furious and panicked Howard was glaring at him, hands fisted on the beige medical clothes he’d been assigned. “Do you want to die, pal?” Howard sounds more mad than he’d ever been before, “do you!?”
Steve tried to speak but his jaw wouldn't cooperate. He swallowed thickly and tried again, “Howa—“ He coughed, feeling a biting pain in his chest, “ow.” He said, leaning forward, squeezing his eyes shut as the pain rattled through him.
“Help!” Howard shouted, “I need a wheelchair here, or something to carry this idiot!”
And that was the last thing he remembered.
————-
When he woke up the next time, he felt significantly better. He looked up and saw Howard working on a tablet at his bedside. “Howard?”
The man looked up and stood, instantly his face turning red and shouting. “What the hell were you thinking! You went hours without your antidote, Steve! We couldn’t find you! Why were you hiding!? You could have died—“
Steve’s brow furrowed, “huh?”
Howard didn’t calm down, “don’t play dumb with me! You missedthree antidote sessions. THREE!”
Steve felt his head reeling, “Three?” That’s… that’s 24 hours. “I was missing for 24 hours?”
“28 hours to be exact!” Howard growled, “I assume after your little stunt of running off to try to find Peggy, you got real drowsy?”
Steve tried to remember, thinking back. He’d been sitting in the room where she’d scratched him, back to the wall with the glass partition, and then… he winced, he had felt drowsy. He’s laid down to briefly rest and must have fallen asleep.
Howard saw the wince and his face grew red again, “that drowsiness was the poison! You fell asleep and then when no one could find you, it had over a day to work on you!” He was seething, ripping at his hair and then glaring at Steve, “What were you thinking?”
His shoulders sagged in defeat, “Sorry, Howard. I wasn’t thinking.”
“Damn, right you weren’t! You could have died! And then what would I have done?!”
Steve bristled, “I’m sure someone would take my place as the Eagle.”
Howards face grew incredulous, “you think I give a shit about that!? I don’t, Steve! I want the Districts to overthrow the Capital, yes. But not at the expense of you. Almost everything I’ve tried gets you killed and if it’s not me, then it’s you being reckless and I—“ He slumps in his chair, “I can’t lose you too. ”
Steve felt all his defenses crumble under the anguish on Howard’s face. “I’m sorry, Howard. I promise I didn’t mean too. I shouldn’t have disappeared like that.”
“Damn right.” He growled, then scrubbed at his face and sighed, “there is no rebellion without you.”
“Howard—“
“No, Steve. I’m not saying that to guilt you. I’m not saying it to puff up your ego, or for any other reason than the fact that it is the truth. You embody all that is right with the world. A man who isn’t greedy for power, a man who wants to do what’s right. There’s so few of you who exist, and you’re the only one the whole country knows. You may think there’s another Eagle. But there isn’t. And hell, I won’t force you either way. But we need you out there. Without you, we won’t stand a chance. Yours is the face that makes the districts rise up. Yours is the light in the darkness telling them where to go.”
An intense weight settled on Steve’s chest. “I’m just a kid.” He rasped out.
“And the best one we got.” A nurse arrived with a pitcher of the green sludge and Howard glared at him. “You’re drinking this whole thing without complaint.
He grimaced but said nothing.
————-
Peggy glared at the attending nurse who changed out her IV. Her hands were still restrained to her bedside.
Steve watched, throat dry, and eyebrows pulled down at the sight. Her hair was a bit longer, by now, and she’d thankfully gotten some nutrients in her body and had put back on some weight. But she was still far too skinny and beat up.
They hadn’t allowed him to see her again yet. They’d attempted to mention his name, but she’d started thrashing and fighting them. So they stopped bringing him up altogether.
“Brainwashing.” Howard told him. “They’ve taken her memories of you, and hijacked them. Forced false information into her brain. She thinks you’re the enemy now, and Schmidt is the savior.”
Green sludge threatened to make a comeback.
—————-
Eventually, they tried someone Peggy didn’t know, but that knew Steve well.
Rebecca walked into the room and sat on the chair. Far enough that Steve could tell she was frightened. Peggy’s eyes stayed trained on her.
“Hello.” Rebecca said softly.
“You look familiar.” Peggy snapped, leaning towards the girl as far as her restraints allowed. “I know those eyes.”
Steve feels his chest constrict. She and Bucky have the same eyes.
“You’ve met my brother.” Rebecca said calmly. “When you visited District 12.”
“No.” Peggy hissed. “I was forced into District 12.”
Rebecca didn’t correct her, having been instructed not to do so. Any sort of contradiction caused Peggy’s brain to get feral.
“In the capitol. I saw your eyes in the Capitol.”
“Okay.” Rebecca said in a small voice. “When you saw them, did he look like James Barnes?”
“They don’t call him that.” Peggy snapped.
Rebecca recoiled a bit at her angry tone. “Okay, what do they call him?”
“I won’t give away secrets to you District scum!” Peggy snarled, glaring at the girl.
“Okay.” Rebecca responded. And Steve ached for how calm she stayed, she shouldn’t be doing this, being forced to see what could possibly be being done to— Steve clenched his fists, willing Bucky to be okay. “Aren’t you from District 6?” Rebecca asked, her voice more bold than a moment before.
Confliction crossed Peggy’s face.
“A brother,” Steve says quietly, hoping the earpiece she’s wearing picks it up, “she had a brother, named Michael.”
“You grew up there.” Rebecca continues, “with your brother. Michael.”
An anguished cry escaped Peggy’s throat and she clutched at her head, restraints tugging her skin.
“Tell me about him.” Rebecca asked softly, “I’ve lost a brother too.”
————
Rebecca made more headway than any of the others. She was never associated with the games and therefore was able to tread conversations where the others could not.
————
He healed. Only the scars on his face remain, and Howard assured him those would disappear eventually as well.
He drank his last pitcher of green sludge and Howard clapped him on the back. “I hope we never have to go through that again.”
Steve eyes him dubiously, “you hope? I’d do anything to never see that stuff again.”
————-
He begged.
Pleaded.
“I know she’ll react poorly.” He admitted, “but I need to try. I have to.”
Eventually they caved.
————-
He pushed through her door, ducking slightly under the low doorframe. She turned, her body relaxed, expecting Rebecca, only to tense at the sight of him.
“Get out.” She hissed. “Get the hell out of here!”
“No.” He said firmly. “I’m not leaving until we talk.”
“About what!” She screeched, “you abandoning me?”
But he’s ready this time. “When did I do that?”
“In the arena!”
“The arena that Schmidt put you in to kill you?”
She reeled back, “what! No! He wouldn’t do that!”
“But you just admitted to being in the arena with me.” She glared at him, but there was a rising panic in her eyes. “And if you hate me, why would you be mad that I abandoned you?” He leaned closer, “if I’m district scum, why would you have wanted to come with me?”
He could see the mental warfare, drowning her mind. “Shut up.” She snarled. “You’re trying to confuse me.”
“No.” He responded, “that capital did that. I’m trying to help.”
“How?”
“By trying to ensure you know the truth.”
“Everyone thinks they have the truth, and they keep forcing it on me!”
And that made him fall silent. “Okay.” He said slowly, inching closer, “how about we make a deal.”
She eyes him warily as he continued. “You get to ask me any question. I’ll tell you if it’s real or not real. You can choose whether you believe me or not. But I promise not to lie.”
She glared at the glass partition, “what good will that do me?”
He sighed, “because then you’ll at least know where I stand. And you can make whatever decisions for yourself you want.” After a minute of thought, she nodded. “Okay, what do you want to know?”
“Why did you leave me in that arena?”
He shook his head. “I had no idea there was a rescue plan. You knew, I didn't. When push comes to shove, you forced me into safety. Jeopardizing your own. Causing you to be captured. I wish you hadn’t.”
“Why would I do that?”
He couldn’t bring himself to say because they loved each other. So he chose easier words, “because you wanted me safe.”
She frowned at that. “District 12 launched a missile attack on the Capitol?”
Steve scoffed, “no. The capitol bombed 12. It’s a burning pile of rubble. The coal dust made everything flammable.”
“Your mom died.”
His throat closed. “Yes. Schmidt had her killed before we got back from the victory tour.”
Peggy took a long time to ask the next question. “District rebels killed my brother?”
Steve shook his head, “no. Your brother was killed the night we had our victory interviews. Backstage. Schmidt ordered him killed.”
Her shoulders sagged and she breathed heavily, face pinched in pain. “I think—“ she choked out a sob and her knuckles went white from being clenched so tight. He reached forward, ignoring the instructions he’d been given. His heated palm touched her icy cold one and she looked up.
He expected a hatred in her eyes, or for her to yank her hand away. He did not expect her to crumble, leaning forward, pressing her forehead to her knees.
“Peggy?” He asked, standing and moving beside her, “are you—“ he stopped himself. How was he going to ask if she’s okay...
“Those marks on your face.” She looked up, and her hand reached up. He could almost hear the squirming of the people behind the glass. But he didn’t pull away, letting her touch the jagged lines, “I put those there.”
He nodded, “yes. You did.”
“And you held up that rock. During the avalanche?”
Her fingers were still touching his face. “Yes.” He rasped out.
She pulled her hand away, “you let Maureen die?”
He sucked in a sharp breath. The grief of her loss overtaking him. He sagged down, sinking to his knees and sitting on his heels beside her bed. “No. I didn’t. But I wasn’t able to stop it either. She was killed right in front of me. And I was too weak to save her.”
“They’re shiny.” She said suddenly.
He looked up, “what?”
She studied her sheets, rubbing her hands up and down her legs slowly, “the memories that you contradict. They’re all… shiny.”
He frowned, “I don’t know what that means.”
She looked at him, sharp eyes, “you loved me?”
He shook his head, “no. I love you. Not past. Present.”
“We’ve kissed?”
He nodded, “a few times. Nothing more.”
“I loved you?”
He winced. “I think you did. You told me you did. I obviously can’t know for sure.”
“Why not?”
He felt his face flush, “other than the fact that I’m not a mind reader? I’ve never been loved by a girl before. So I wouldn’t know the difference.”
———-
Hours passed as she would ask question after question. Things that made no sense or things that made him clench his teeth.
But he stayed. Answering honestly when he could and admitting his ignorance when he didn’t.
She stared for a while at his hand that was on hers. “This does feel familiar.”
He held his palm out flat and she stared at it. Then slowly she placed her palm onto his, intertwining her fingers with his. He could have cried in relief.
“It’s fuzzy.” She admitted, “my memories of you. But they’re not shiny.”
“Are these good memories, or bad memories?”
“I don’t know. They’re not clear enough to know. Just snippets. Like what I’ve been asking you.”
“I’m here. For whatever you need.”
“I’m tired.” She said quickly, brushing fingers through her hair and stopping in surprise when her hair ended before she expected. “Where’s my hair?”
Steve looked at her sadly, “they cut it, I guess. I’m sorry.”
“Do I look horrendous?”
He laughed, “impossible.”
“Give me a mirror.”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“You don’t need to see yourself this way. The capitol treated you horribly. Harmed you.”
Peggy’s face shifted, anger flaring, “no, you—“ she snapped her mouth shut and squeezed her eyes shut. After several long minutes of her breath calming down and her hand squeezing his so hard it almost hurt. She whispers, “You treated me horribly?”
Steve shrugged, “maybe you thought I did. I don’t know. I’m not perfect.”
Her body sagged, “you don’t do absolutes.”
“What?”
“The shiny memories. They’re all absolutes. Schmidt good, you evil. Capital safe, districts dangerous.”
He rested his head on the back of his hands on the side of her bed.
“They wanted to turn you against me. It’s not the first time.”
She started blinking slowly, and he released her hand, “I’ll let you sleep. You must be exhausted. We’ve covered a lot of information.”
She watched his hand as it pulled away and her face twisted in confliction. “You’re going to leave me?”
That stopped him, and hope bloomed in his chest, “do you want me to stay?”
She looked at him, eyes lost, her voice a brittle whisper, “don’t leave me.”
“I’ll stay.” He said softly. “If you want me to.”
“You won’t leave?” She asked, her eyes drooping closed. He gently picked her hand back up, holding it up to his lips in a gesture he’s seen Mr. Barnes do to Mrs. Barnes, as a gesture of love, or protection. He kissed her knuckles and held her hand tight. “Never.”
————