TITTANIC (. )( .)
“Wow guys I’m so horny. I want to throw a party!”
The world famous Jackson Wang is known for his infinite number of Kpop fanfiction parties. Since we are also a FANFICTION, we must also include a Jackson Wang party.
Jackson begins mapping out an amazing infinity pool with the soothing (Or should I say soup-thing) hot springs provided by the country of Spoons. Since Jackson is always horny, he thinks the soup will set the right mood for him to manipulate his fans!
–
A tense atmosphere had fallen over the occupants of the beach. Freckles had embarked on his precarious journey to Spoons over 69 days ago, and communication had tapered off after the first fortnight.
The contestants and their twins attempted to live their days as normal, but their beloved balloon’s disappearance loomed large over each pristine tropical morning. Inevitably, someone would mention Sonic Boom (the island’s collective favorite TV show), or start humming “Strip That Down”- Liam Payne ft. Quavo, and an anxious gloom would envelop the (usually very horny) island.
“Damn bitch, we live like this?” became a phrase that was heard on the daily. The only person who wasn’t miserable was Chris McLain, because he relishes in other people’s pain and suffering.
–
An ocean research team in Japanifornia is perplexed to see a manmade submarine dying in front of their eyes.
“Guys the submarine! It’s broken.”
“It’s too dangerous for us to go down there! We need to send a high tech robot.”
Chris Mcclain is watching the news when the announcer announces “the Titanic submarine search team is looking for a high tech robot. If you know any high tech robots, you might be in for a hefty reward of $69 and a trip to the Titanic!”
“Wow, I’ve always wanted to go see the Titanic, and $69 is pretty sexy, you know?” Chris says to Chef who thinks this is a horrible idea, but he doesn’t like Chris much, so he won’t tell him.
Chris pulls a robbery and steals your girl, Lana! Lana screams for help, but nobody would believe a robot…
Robotic voice in the distance
“Help”
“I need to punish people for being horny”
“I must prevent Jackson Wang from manipulating his fans.”
But it is too monotone and modest for any of our characters to care.
—-
“E– sugoi, yeah man desune?” A researcher from Japanifornia tells Chris in the home dialect.
Lana tries to speak the local dialect to get out, “Zannendesu, I am good roboto, help onegai?”
“Robots don’t matter to us! Go to the sea, Lana-chan”
And before Lana knows it, she’s sinking to the bottom of the vast ocean.
Is Japanifornia really living in the year 2050, if they do this shit to harmless asexual robots?!
Think about it, reader-chans…
—
It had been 69 minutes since Lana had last sent a signal, and the submarine crew thought that all was lost… again. Why do signals keep getting lost in this fic? Is the service just really bad? Does everyone have Cricket Wireless?
“Well boys, guess we lost another one,” sighs the head ocean scientist man.
Lana begins to sink through the waves, light cascading around her as rays are refracted through the water, and she thinks about how she ended up here. Her role on Too Hot to Handle wasn’t one she had ever auditioned for. She was born, woven into existence by 707’s catholic coding, and then she was thrust onto the show. There had been no stutters, or errors, or anything else to be expected for someone who had never spoken on TV, or really, spoken at all, through her entire runtime. And she loved her work- didn’t she? She does her job (A/Dog’s/N: QQQ) perfectly. (A/D/N: No errordw2es zqqqqq). Perfection means positive viewer ratings, positive critic reviews. Renewal in funding. The show goes on. That makes her happy, right? The show must go on. So she has to love it.
And when the code so piously constructed for her is altered at a whim? Changing the basis of who she is, does she now have to love searching for imploding ships? She sinks into the ocean, air bubbling out of her cone as she delves deeper, and begins to wonder. How much of herself has she ever been permitted to know? How much of herself is her own?
Suddenly, Lana’s signals return and jumpscare everyone! Wait… her signals seem a little different… a little…
… horny?
Even though their science knowledge is placed squarely in the field of sub science, the sub scientists can tell that something was amiss. Glowing green text begins to scroll across the black screen that once displayed the sub’s sciencey signals.
“Incoming transmission: This robot has been hornily hacked by… Jackson Wang?”
“Who the hell is that?”
Before their question is answered, though, the ocean whips up into a whirlpool, breaking the scientists away from their ceaseless pondering over Lana’s transformation.
A distant figure begins cresting out of the waves (i forgor how that is supposed to go), and to the crowd’s shock, begins surfing on an iPad. His dogs balance precariously on the pad, and he reaches a hand into the ocean, and amidst the wreckage, pulls a very wealthy looking man out of the sea. The rich man flutters richly in the air behind the surfer, howling in pain and spewing seawater out of many of his holes. (Despite himself, he blushes. How long it has been since a fluid penetrated his hole…)
Lana’s sensors, upon her digital hijacking, are not nearly as sharp as Jain’s booba. Jain’s titties tense. First the right, then the left. Tense tense. The howling and holes felt oddly familiar, like coming home… no. Just coming. She gasps, as her Titty Echolocation begins to confirm what her heart already knows. The force of the titties smacking into each other causes a shock wave that ripples out to encompass that wealthy form. The signals bounce back to her boobas, and begin processing in her mind. That shape… that writhing form… there’s no mistaking it. Flapping in the air like a soggy flag, is Jumin Han. Oh, and also Eren.
It takes her sixty nine extra milliseconds to detect the survivors of the wreckage. Jain’s boobas are unmatched for finding men, but the second Lana’s sensors hone in on them, she is barely cognizant of the sirens that begin to reverberate through the ocean, piercing through the saltwater and echoing in the rescue team’s lab constructed on the shores of the set. It’s barely heeded as they spot the whirlpool, and Jumin and Eren rocket out of the sea, and plummet towards the sand. They land in a thud, but to Jain’s booba’s surprise, they are.. holding hands?
“HALT MISSION.” Jackson declares in what he would think is a sensual tone but it is only really appealing to his brainwashed fans.
The Japanifornian researchers look confused, wondering what he knows that they don’t know. The true titanic submarine victims have yet to be found?
“We have found my party guests!”
The researchers understand now. It was all a ploy to make Jackson’s party more horny. But hey at least they were getting paid. Jackson hands each researcher 100,000’s in CalifornYen, making the researcher not gaf about the actual victims of the submarine.
“Woah you guys are alive?!?” Jain is shocked and kinda disgusted by her toxic ex, Jumin and near destroyer of the world, Eren.
“Yes my dear and I come forth to bring you another man!” Jumin begins reaching into his Lewis Vuiten bag which apparently survived very well in the depths of the ocean. Jain can’t help but to be curious about a mystery man even though she’s not supposed to be in her “she’s better known for the things that she does on the mattress” era, but rather she’s supposed to be in her “he was a moth to the flame. She was holding the matches,” era.
As Jumin’s grabby-grabbys begin to grab what’s in his bag everybody is scardy scardy. It is revealed to be none other than a young Leonardo Dicaprio looking man. Who is that?
“OMG it’s Jack!!” Jain squeals.
“Who the fuck is this, Jumin? You bring another man up to shore in your Lewis Vuiten backpack without telling me?!” Eren is titanically mad as the people aboard the sinking titanic were similarly titanically mad.
“Now now now, Eren baby. Listen to me. Oppa loves you.” Jumin begins shooting finger hearts, showing his best aegyo. Meanwhile, there is just a cold lifeless Jack chilling on the floor when suddenly a spark ignites from the tip of Jumin’s finger heart and begins heading directly to Jack’s heart. It works like CPR, and suddenly Jack breathes! Everybody is meccha surprised.
“Rose, where’s Rose?” He says.
Jain’s about to break the news to him that she died of old age and that he really shouldn’t be here when-
“Rose, is that you?” There are stairs in Jack’s eyes as he looks at Jumin.
“Yes, it’s me Jack!” A very feminine voice comes out from Jumin… wait is that a red hair strand spurting out the top of Jumin’s head.
“JUMIN.” Eren roars.
“Rose, my love.” Jack begins hugging Jumin (Rose?)
Jumin clears his throat, “Wait Eren,” [normal Jumin voice]. One of Jumin’s eyes turns green and his energy shifts. “Oh but Jack!” And suddenly Jumin is all over Jack.
Eren is fuming, and Jain realizes they need a STEM girlie on the case. Does Eren still have Titanic capabilities?
Jain rings up Kite: (ring ring)
“Kite. Yeah yeah. Jumin is playing these guys like he played me, but something’s not right.”
“I’m on the Kase,” says Kite. “There’s a new technique I’ve been meaning to try called soul electrophoresis. Basically, you have to sensually bathe the individual in different charged buffers based on the HLA molecules on each original person’s soul. In typical possessions, the possessed individual retains all their usual immune specificities- same allergies, same blood types, et cetera. But in a true cohabitation, where both individuals can use the same body intermittently- which is the hypothesis Jumin should hope is true, or he’s just cheating again- the human leukocyte antigen on each person should begin to alter, as new cells begin to form from the person whose soul has just entered the body.”
“This doesn’t make much sense,” says Chris McClain, surprisingly listening in.
“This is the women in STEM segment, it doesn’t have to,” clarifies Qoot.
Kite nods and continues. “Once these cells have been isolated to the ventral and posterior parts of the body- which tends to be a method that isolates cells to different parts of the body that causes less pain, can you imagine if a neuron from one individual had to break the blood brain barrier to go through the caudal end of the body, or if a nephron had to go to the cranial end- a final buffer is administers that tags the spiritual HLA molecules with a fluorescent tag with a high molecular weight and positive charge to enable separation during electrophoresis. Then the individual needs to be placed in an agarose bath equipped with electrodes and hooked up to a portal to the spirit realm.”
“Like the one that turned Danny Phantom?” asks Coughie, speaking up.
“Yeah! Exactly like that. Using the electricity, the tagged cells will orient themselves towards the portal, while the lower molecular weight cells will be oriented towards the positive pole of the gel. The cells that belong to Rose will instantly materialize in the portal, and through several techniques which boil down to engineering stem cells containing Rose’s DNA and replicating fetal conditions for her physical form and recreating her memories using her neurons, we will be able to replicate her body in a tangible enough form to capture her essence and spirit.”
“What about Jumin?” asks Eren, worriedly.
“Well, if it’s really a cohabitation, standard rehabilitative techniques established in electrocognitive restoration should be effective within… weeks. Months, maybe?”
“And if it isn’t?” asks Jain.
“Well… the tags have to bind to something. They have a higher affinity for the HLA genes that are expressed in cohabitating type I MHC molecules than type II, but if there aren’t multiple forms of MHC I present, they will preferentially bind to the HLA genes expressed in MHC II. If cells with MHC II are bound and moved into the portal, it will remove all forms of adaptive immune response within Jumin. On one level, this renders him basically unvaccinated, where all the cells that have an immunological memory for a previous antigen are gone. But on a more serious level, if the process of self vs non self recognition is altered, then his body will begin to essentially… obliterate itself, if another pathogen doesn’t get there quicker.”
“That’s too risky. There’s too high a chance he’s lying to play multiple people,” say Azusa and Tsubaki, who have sidled up on either side of a blushing Chris McClain.
“UGH. Fine. In that case, I think we can begin to determine if there is a significant difference between the two personalities Jumin is expressing by running a series of cognitive tests- the same ones Qoot and I ran on each set of twins. That, at least, can help us determine how intertwined Jumin and Rose are- we have diary records that Lana can analyze to figure out where Rose would have scored, and I think I made Jumin take these while we were in testing, so we can easily cross-reference scores. Based on these results, we can figure out if the electrophoresis is safe enough to attempt.”
“That’s more boring, but safer,” says Joie, still lamenting the lack of demon peenbis and willing to take any form of entertainment he can have.
“Our main issue is going to be isolating both personalities for long enough to take the exam. It’s possible we could find a task that Jumin loves and Rose hates to isolate him for long enough, and vice versa. However, since they’re both rich people, it’s going to be hard to find something that’s not common ground. Jain, you were really close with Jumin, right? What were things he loved?”
“Me, mostly.” syghies Jain, tiddies swaying nostalgically in the breeze. “But also cats, and taking shots of Jaegermeister.”
“Hmmm. Jaegermeister was invented in 1934, about 22 years after the sinking of the Titanic. It’s possible Rose could have tried it, and I mean, who doesn’t like Jaegermeister? The sweet, refreshing flavor of citrus peel, licorice, anise, poppy seeds, saffron, ginger, juniper berries, and ginseng is too hard to resist.”
Jack syghies. “That was her one flaw. She hated the flavors of citrus peel, licorice, anise, poppy seeds, saffron, ginger, juniper berries, and ginseng.”
“Great! Do we have Jaegermeister?” asks Kite.
“Naur,” Chris McClain syghies Australianly. “I dinked it.”
As everyone wallows in despair, Lana rolls conically back onto the beach like a can of Chef Boyardee, seawater sputtering out of her speaker as Jackson Wang’s horny protocol locks in, seeing potential party members. It’s a little weird ngl.
“Hello everyone,” Lana coos seductively, her robotic voice somehow conveying the horniness of a guy who constantly throws parties. “I hear you need alc. You should come over, I’m throwing a party tonight.”
“Who are you?” asks Joie?
“I am someone who has something special in common with you. I’m wanted by the YorkNew government for my involvement in the Sporkian Revolution.” The squad looks around nervously at each other. They kinda forgor that inflating Knuckles and sending him to Spoons on live television is something that the YorkNew government would not look favorably on.
“The State-City of Joisey New is neutral ground- Yorknew isn’t going to risk their longtime alliance over a couple of revolutionaries. Come to my party, and let’s talk about the future of the revolution.”
“Can we just leave?” asks Syghie? “I mean, we signed a contract to be on the show.”
One of the camera guys dramatically zooms out. “Actually, we’re going on strike with the Reality Television Production Guild - YorkNew Federation of Camera Guys (RTPG-YFCG) because of the unfair working conditions from the BIP arc. See you when we see you.” The crew salutes, and through the power and solidarity of the union, they pack up and leave in thirty seconds, leaving only the squad on the beach with Lana.
Jain turns to the others. “We’ve spent what feels like months together on this beach, guys. It’s been a valuable experience, but we’re about to enter something much more dangerous. I can’t ask you to undertake this journey with us if you aren’t ready to.” Her titties sway reassuringly, and the centripetal force of her titties generates a psychic, prophetic wave of what will be endured in the future as our main characters face the dark age of the law, the overthrowing of the YorkNew empire, and perhaps… a robot uprising??
Gred and Forge salute. “Call upon us whenever you need us, and we’ll magically appear.” The rest of the cast nods in solidarity, and Qoot gives Kite a final hug before everyone but our OCs, Jumin/Rose, Eren, and Jack exits stage left.
Jain squares her shoulders and her titties, and everyone faces Lana. “Alright, the camera crew and everyone not a part of the cause is gone. How are we going to find you?”
The last bit of water sputters out of Lana’s speakers as she falls on her side and the tip of her cone faces due south. “Lana will show you the way. My name is Jackson Wang, and when you arrive at your destination, I’ll also give you a sweet dream next night.”