The Coated Gun and Half Blooded Prince
After the riveting, tittiling tennis dennis match, the gang returns to the ship. Zack and Cody wring their hands and let the people back on board. The gang walks through their bodies, as they are dead and ghosts. Dead ghosts. Ghosts that are dead. Sad.
Joie’s dads, who had been robbing everyone at the Grecian Open, make their way back onto the Royal Caridickian, herded by their long-suffering adopted (?) child.
“Fine, fine, we’ll get back on the boat,” says Dennis. “We were getting tired of dealing with those glittery fuckers you hang out with anyway.”
“That performance was hot though,” says Mac.
Joie looks back towards the court, and notices those two gangly, gay men from before staring holes into their parents. “Hey, didn’t those guys die from cumming?” Joie whispers to Kite, gesturing towards the pair on the court.
“Nah, they’re okay but they died but they’re fine. I think they have that condition called Ploticus Armorensis, so they can withstand anything. Why?”
“The one that kind of looks like a raccoon is… he’s kinda cute, right?” asks Joie, wiggling his eyebrows.
“Insane.” Jain doesn’t even look at Joie and Kite, but the weight of her judgment barely drags them down, unlike what the weight of her tiddies would do. Kite, however, nods in begrudging agreement.
“Lowkey? He could get it.” Kite affirms.
The emo one shambles over to the crew, a bitter glare plastered onto his impossibly white visage. The prep, looking more like a person but just as angry, follows behind.
“Hey hey you you,” L points to Joie’s dads accusatorily. Joie notices that he’s surprisingly tall and muscular when he’s not hunched over like Dr. Doofenshmirtz.
“You guys have been robbing this place blind. Like super obviously too. No one has that many wallets,” L sneers.
Joie’s dads sputter in protest, but L quickly grabs their backpacks and turns them inside out. Hundreds of wallets, watches, phones, and wads of cash plop onto the ground.
“Goddamnit I told you guys not to get caught here. Thanks L. Sorry you died back there,” says Joie, glaring at his thieving homosexual caregivers.
“You know, we could always use a brilliant mind like yours on the Royal Caridickian,” says Kite mischievously, noticing the eyes Joie had been making at L.
“Thank you, that’s very kind,” he responds. “I’ll join you as long as my boyfriend can come along too.”
“Yes, of course!” Joie says in a chipper tone. However, his thoughts found themselves in much more devious places. He won’t be your boyfriend for long, he silently cackled, making a weird evil villain face. Joie’s villain arc yasssss!
CRASH. BANG. RAM. SMACK. SLAP. HIT. SMASH. CRACK. CLONK. BUMP. RUMP. CLASH. WHOOMPH. OOMPH. BOING. BONK.
What was that? A bird? A plane? No, an annoying rabbit.
It’s Bunny from The Secret History. Why is he here? I could not tell you. The Secret History is a book by Donna Tartt that she wrote before writing the Goldfinch and it’s gay but like me, in the way that it queerbaits readers/fans into thinking that they are gay but not actually being gay.
(A/N: I read this book when I was on tour. I really enjoyed it, so I’m implementing the characters into this fic xx my reader mates, yeh?)
“Ayo who tf is this, Jumin? Is this one of your associates?” Jain questions looking at a rounded glasses kinda stupid looking man.
“YOU’VE GOTTA HELP ME!!!! These fucking pricks just tried to murder me!!! You think you know a classmate after spending two years as besties, and then he pushes you off a fucking iceberg (bc reverse climate change in Greece idk)!!!! Henry Winter tried to commit murder, but let it be known I bested him!! FUCK him, that Greekaboo bitch with black hair and icy blue orbs and a tall stature. FUCK HIM.”
The crew looks above deck and notices the Grecian ice cliff. A man who looks very dark academia quickly ducks on top of the cliff. Hmmm who was that?
“Whoa, you kinda remind me….” Jain says.
“Yeah, it seems kinda familiar… Almost like…” Haruka hmms.
A beat. Then suddenly, Ouran High School Host Club lightbulbs go off behind the cast.
“EHHHHHHH????”
Everyone turns towards Syo, who is looking not so much “suru ze” but more “waku waku.”
“S-shut up, baka! He doesn’t even look as hot as me…” Syo blushes and looks away, twisting his funny little fedora.
“What’s the deal with this guy?” Bunny asks. “By the way, I’m Bunny.”
“What a fucking stupid name!!!!” Syo cackles!!!
“Whatever, Duck.” Bunny brushes him off in the way he did so well before getting murdered.
Syo sputters. “Don’t call me that! RAHH!” He pounces like a feral animal on top of Bunny.
As the two rough-house across the deck, everyone goes hmmm.
“Do you think Bunny is actually telling the truth? Could something that bad really have happened to him? Some sort of murder attempt? Some sort of…. Secret History that we don’t know of?” Shining muses. Syghie pats his bicep lovingly, and puts his leash on.
“Don’t worry your little head about it, Shining-kun.” She pats his head, and he heels. They strut away.
Joie, Ai, Kite, Jumin, and Jain deliberate. “We should keep an eye out for any suspicious people.”
Kite purses her lips. “I wonder… Who is this Henry Winter, anyway….”
—--
Hours later, Bunny and the so-called Duck otherwise known as Syo are panting on the ground.
“You’re not so bad,” Bunny says, brushing some sweat off of his brow.
Syo chuckles, and looks sideways at Bunny. “You’re not so bad, yourself.”
“I wouldn’t like you, if you didn’t look so much like me, goddammit.” says Bunny.
“You are such a narcissist.” Syo laughs.
“And look who is benefitting from that,” Bunny says in his sly Bun-Bun way, and his buns leave the floor of the ship as he leans over and gives Syo a tender kiss. Syo kisses back, with undiluted force.
Across the ship, Azuna’s eyes light up in iridescent hues across the table from Ritsuka. Ritsuka tilts her head to the side, and reaches out to hold Azuna’s hand. “Darling? Is everything alright?”
‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾ Everything is okay, my dove. I think a homophobe has realized that love wins. This helps increase my power and dominion, so it’s a little… overstimulating, at times. ☽༓･*˚⁺‧͙
Ritsuka grins, mischief glittering in her eyes. “Overstimulating?”
Azuna loves her so much, sometimes it hurts. ‧͙⁺˚*･༓☾ I could use a hand. ☽༓･*˚⁺‧͙
—---
About thirty minutes after Bunny and Syo finished “rough-housing,” a curious ship is spotted diagonal, parallel if you will, to the Royal Carridickean. Joie is looking out of their binoculars and discovers a familiar figure! It is Jack Sparrow and his fleet which includes Zero!!!! Terrifying.
The Royal Carridickean lurches dangerously forwards, throwing the assembled crew onto the deck. A distinctly Caucasian in appearance but is actually mixed but definitely benefits from white privilege, bland voice bellows forth across the choppy seas (A/N: he is a white cuban mates yeh). “Get ready to ACCEPT THIS ROSE!”
The most milquetoast man, somehow still bland while dressed in pirate attire, calls across to the boat. His legs are locked around the prow of the boat, and his hands are cupped to shout across to the Royal Carridickean. At the tiller, a more dangerous man steers the vessel, getting ready to penetrate the boat. The opposing vessel, with the words The Black Pearl painted in a scandalous script across her side, hums with anticipation. The Pearl isn’t shy about her conquests. She tears across the seas, her strap constantly equipped to her pelvis, ready to thrust into any ship that consents. And every ship she meets does. So far, anyways.
“Holy shit it’s my third dad who is also a pirate! Not to mention isn’t that Zero?!” Joie tells Jain.
“Jack Sparrow, your dad… wait Zero?!? I thought Tokiya sent him to the moon because the writers gave up on him.” Jain worries worriedly. “TOKIYAAAAAAA,” she screeches.
Is it time for vengeance???? Tokiya emerges vengefully. Oh shit, Jain is mad. He tries to escape, but Jain’s lasso emerging from in between her titties is too fast. Too powerful. He cannot escape.
“Tokiya, explain why Zero is on that ship parallel to ours. You telepathically told me he was going to the moon because the writer was done with him. Is this really vengeance? It’s only been two chapters.” Jain’s tits bounce even more rapidly and breastily than usual as she shouts.
“M-m-m-m-y vengeance is really strong???? I don’t know, mommy, I just like, don’t understand. Maybe the writer is going through something right now. Have you ever thought of the possibility of somebody else writing the story?” Tokiya explains, his vengeance cowering in shame.
Jain is beyond irritated. “I AM NOT YOUR MOTHER. Only Natsume was allowed to call me such a thing huff. Anyways how the fuck would the writer lose control of the story. Make it make sense, batboy.” (A/N: the story has way more control over the story than the writer does in my opinion, loves yeh xx)
The Pearl’s unadulterated top energy begins to leach into the air around them. The seas become much rougher, the white capped waves a result of the ocean cumming as the Pearl plunders through the seas. Jumin, Syghie, and Kite join Jain, Joie, and Tokiya after hearing all of this ruckus, sprayed by the sensual ocean mist.
“Ayo why do you have Tokiya in your titty lasso, Jain? I thought we liked Tokiya collectively. Idk.” Syghie outwardly syghies.
Jumin is sipping on his champagne, disappointed. “Jain I told you I don’t like when you use your titty lasso outside of the bedroom on other people. It’s not very classy of you,” he shakes his head condescendingly.
“Are we not noticing that there is a guy tossing roses onto the ship? He… he looks like such a generic brand of man.” Kite ponders.
“Pffft that’s an old associate of mine. He used to fly my private jets but always had a weird love life, so I fired him. I like firing people. It’s a hobby of mine. Anyways, he wishes he could land such a fine lady like Jain,” Jumin pffts.
“You’re not on these seas for the RIGHT REASONS.” Pirate Pete screams.
Jack Sparrow takes a grappling hook to hook his hooker crew on board the Royal Carridickean. The Royal Carridickean gasps with pleasure, arching the deck so that the passengers begin to slide across the floor, scrambling to keep their footing. The Carridickean whines as the grappling hook digs in deeper to the bow, marking the wood. The Pearl hums with knowing delight as she inches tantalizingly closer to the vessel.
Jumin screams in rich boy. How scary it is to have no private security~~~
Zero, Jack Sparrow, Pirate Pete, and me,,, I mean, Hairy Styles have boarded Jumin’s ship, leaping from the deck of the Pearl, spurred on by her sexual energy. As they leap onto the Carridickean’s deck, the boat moans with the sudden intrusion. The additional feet trampling on the deck pulse gently into the hull of the ship, teasing it with the promise of something more. The tiller of the Royal Carridickean, because this automated cruise ship still has a manual tiller for controlling the sails, slowly hardens.
Zero whips out his Bloody Rose… his 2nd amendment privilege in the country of Japanifornia… his gun. What is that white drippy droppy thing dripping, dropping down the side of Zero’s Bloody Rose? “Freeze. Hands Up.” Zero points the gun at Jain. Jain is struggling to keep her titties frozen. Impossible. Wiggle wiggle wiggle.
Zero slithers towards Jain holding the Bloody Rose to the side of her face. It’s slimy and wet? He glances down at her moving mounds. He whispers, “I told you to stay still baby. Why are those moving? Can you not control them when you’re around me? ;)”
Jain huffs, “idk if you’ve noticed but they’re kinda big. It is hard to keep them still. Can you cut me some leeway sir.” Jain begins moving her mounds to hypnotize Zero, hoping to escape his grip. However, would it be so bad to not leave this position right now? (A/N: reader mates. I have to say, this is definitely peng xx.)
“I’m not falling for that this time, Jain. I know all the tricks about your magic. Remember, when we did magic shows together when we dated back in high school?” Zero reminisces which causes Jain to also reminisce because of manipulation.
“Zero, I’m afraid to ask because this whole thing right now is quite arousing. But anyways, why is the gun… coated?” Jain looks down kinda shy…
“Do you not remember, baby? I can make you remember…” Zero licks Jain’s face.
Jain suddenly, in a casually cruel way remembers it all too well. That gun was in her tight wet orpheussy when Zero and Jain smashed back in the day. Down the stairs. It was rare. She remembers it all too well.
Kite gasps in Woman In STEM. “Jain’s cum doesn’t evaporate like regular cum! Because of her hormonal composition and prolonged exposure to Hypnaughty Arts materials, her cum stays in its original form on whatever object it stays on unless purposefully diluted and removed!!”
Meanwhile, Jumin is enraged at Zero and Jain’s antics, but does he want to be cucked right now? (A/N: I fink yes. Because Zero is really hot, and I wanna cause problems for Jain’s character development arc… because…. Uhhh about that xx)
Zero notices Jumin’s hard member and smirks. “Jumin, are you okay if i I take back what is mine?”
Jain looks at Jumin expectedly. She will consent to Zero, if Jumin does. Only with permission because Jain is no longer a cheater ! eater! or pumpkin eater! Well she does have to eat and sometimes she will eat pumpkin but like. No cheating.
Jumin syghies and hands Zero the keys to his and Jain’s private suite. “I will allow it but only if I can take a wittle peek through the peephole.” Jumin demands.
“Hah that’s funny because I’m about to fill Jain’s peephole. But yeah you can watch Jumin.” Zero says as he grabs Jain’s hand to waltz over to the luxurious suite. The boom boom room, as PIrate Pete calls it.. Jumin cowardly cowers behind the pair.
Everybody else watches in shock as the trio ascends to the upper level of the ship. This is too shocking. Even for Jain.
As Zero walks upstairs to claim his pleasure, the tension between the two ships begins picking up. The Pearl has crashed into the Carridickean with a searing kiss, wood clacking on the painted metal of the Carridickean. The Pearl floats and angles itself so that the tillers of both ships are brushing against each other, and the Carridickean releases a gentle stream of steam from its smokestacks.
The Pearl slowly slides back, and the Carridickean trembles with anticipation, slowly winding down the glass and opening its porthole. The Carridickean tilts its prow away, the surface of the ship burning with embarrassment and lust. Despite its name, the Carridickean has never been dicked down before. The ship is actually an adult virgin. Jumin never let it get close to any other ships, but has installed machines for the Carridickean to find a release when the ship is not in use. The Carridickean has definitely had… contraptions enter its porthole, but never anything so big, so strong, so alive in the way inanimate objects are alive in this world.
The Pearl won’t have any of this shyness. Not when the Carridickean is bearing its hole for penetration. The Pearl steers itself to spank the side of the Carridickean on its ballasst. Look at me. The Carridickean tilts towards the Pearl, unable to meet her wooden gaze. The Pearl is displeased, and spanks the Carridickean again. Look at me, and tell me what you want, she vibrates in a register that only the two ships can hear. Pirate Pete hastily clambers off the prow, realizing that some freaky shit was gonna go down between the two vessels. He was a little slow on the uptake.
You, whimpers the Carridickean shamefully, angling its port hole towards the prow of the Pearl. I want you. The Pearl slowly circles the rim of the port hole, tantalizingly dragging her strap in a circle. (To do this, the ship is slightly raising itself out of the water to trace the top of the port hole, and dipping lower into the waves to complete the circle).
Like this? The register the Pearl has been vibrating in has dipped even lower, a dangerous note entering her communications line. The Carridickean whines pleadingly, trying to angle the Pearl’s prow deeper into its port hole. The Pearl tut-tuts condescendingly. You’re going to have to be more specific. Look at me. Tell me what you want.
Finally, the Carridickean meets the wooden gaze of the Pearl, and voices its shameful desire. I want you to fuck me, Pearl. With this, the Pearl finally thrusts its prow into the Caridickean, with an almost painful relief washing over her. She begins to piston into the other ship’s tight window. Two boats having sex. Two boats having sex. My muscles, my muscles, involuntarily flex. The submissive of the two crafts lets out a pleasured groan from deep within its hull. The water begins to whip into an eddy, resembling Charybdis, the whirlpool monster faced by Odysseus on his journey back to Ithaca.
(A/N: Not the odyssey luvs xx)
—-
The rocking of the two ships against each other causes Jain to stumble. She crashes into Zero, and he smirks and scoops her into his arms. As soon as she enters the room, Zero begins aggressively kissing her, with her back against the wall and their pelvises together locked in hot heat.
“You want my Bloody Rose, babe?” Zero whispers in her ear.
“Yeah,” she groans, longing for that long metallic barrel to come into contact with something else metallic. Yes, Jain is on her period. No, Zero doesn’t mind. The more coating, the better. But wait, Zero is a vampire. Let alone, a level E vampire. He cannot control himself around so much blood. It reminds him of this show called “Vampire Knight: Guilty.”
“Quick, before I completely lose it.” Zero’s long yaoi hand fingers shake and unzip his other concealed weapon. The couple decides to go missionary due to the fact that Zero’s impressive shoulders make Jain feel so smol. His shoulders are the only shoulders in the world with a width larger than her floppy discs. How arousing. 707 cums somewhere sensing floppy disks.
She grabs his ballsack in the exact right way. His pubes are white. He groans.
“Get your weapons ready, boy.” Jain growls.
Zero gulps and aligns them, armed and ready.
In one pure moment, Jain leaking blood like a little vampire bird bath, he THRUSTS!! TWO BIG PPS AT ONCE || NOT CLICKBAIT (his cocked gun and his gunned cock)! A duel wielder. Kirito from Sword Art Online is quaking. Zero moans, the tightness from just the tip against the cool sensation of his Bloody Rose and Jain’s tight, wet orpheussy. Jain clenches like a trap around him, overwhelmed by the sensation of these two mighty weapons pistoning inside of her. Too quickly, Zero fires his liquid shot into her with a big moan.
Jumin forgor his glasses and is struggling to see through the peephole. All he sees is blood. Fortunately, he’s kind of crazy and likes that sort of shit.
Zero is immediately hard after they s and f. She must solve this problem, but she puthy is way too tired. Her mouth will have to do. She sucks her blood and cum right from Zero’s vampiric cock. He groans in pure ecstasy. “Jain keep your semen and blood in your mouth. Take my dick out of your mouth real quick,” he moans and groans.
Jain is a bit offended that her cock sucking talents were cut short. She hasn’t used her mouth in a while to be fair. Her tits usually get the job done harder, better, faster, and stronger. However, her fears and insecurities vanish as Zero raises her head to kiss her. His tongue searches all over her mouth crevices to find exactly what he is looking for. Blood. More blood. He cums from the divine, gourmet, delectable, juicy, elegant, luxurious, Michelin-starred, such fine, very elegant puthy blood from Jain, alone.
“You know, Jain. I do have a child.” Zero syghies. “I hope that’s okay with you. It was with Yuki truthfully but you know she always liked her grandaddy, Kaname, more. Anyways, I think you would be a good mother. I would totally impregnate you, baby.”
Jain has natural motherly instincts that makes singledad!Zero’s words sound so very suite life. “Zero, how did you know I wanted to be a mum???!!!!!!” Jain cries in breeding kink.
Jain and Zero hug it out. She (Jain) was fearless and crazier than him (Zero). She was his Queen and God help anyone who dare disrespect his Queen. Truly, true love, in a kinda bad Kourtney Kardashian and Travis Barker kinda way.
“Baby, let me explode in your cave. Let’s try for a baby.” Zero suggests. Jain and Zero are truly delusional, but let’s let them live for now. But Jumin… oh Jumin…
Jumin is not poor. But right now, poor is Jumin. (A/N: poor Jumin) He deserves it though. He squints into the porthole, peering into a post-coital Zero and Jane with so much blood. While it was hot and he did cum, he kinda regrets getting cucked. It was kinda embarrassing for him, I guess. His poor maids are gonna have to clean all this shit up !!! Not that he cares. I don’t headcanon Jumin as being kind to service workers tbh. However, Jumin will have to clean his own shit up, in his heart.
Meanwhile…
Late to the party, the dumbasses of the ship realize shit is going down.
Rituska uses her ancient grimoire powers, and Rem, Shiki, and Mage are summoned to the deck. “What the duck is going on?”
“There’s been a pirate attack!” says Duck aka Syo. Bunny is snuggled around on his side.
Shiki cackles. “We eat pirates for lunch. These guys are nothing against our devilish endeavors.”
The boats are still rocking into each other. Steam is leaking out of the Carridickean, and the ship is trembling with the overwhelmingly pleasurable sensations. The quivering of the boat is causing everyone to slide around the deck. The Pearl thrusts repeatedly into the Carridickean, panting, and the two ships are growing close to their climaxes. The Carridickean is slick with more than just seawater now. It begins to secrete a metal polish, glistening down the sides of the port hole. With this additional lubrication, the prow of the Pearl begins gliding in and out of the Carridickean’s port hole.
As the waves batter the sides of the two vessels, the pace of their lovemaking picks up speed in turn. Tsunami-level waves begin forming, but the objects either don’t notice or don’t care.
I’m so close, bellows the Caridickean through its foghorn. All foghorns use a vibrating column of air to create an audible tone, and this sensation was what was needed to push both boats over the edge. As they simultaneously climax, both the vessels’ circuits overload with a cacophonous din. Shaking and trembling, the Pearl finally exits the equally wrecked Caridickean. It pulls its prow out of the quivering port hole, and with one final toot, declares that she must depart from this part of the ocean. In their afterglow, the crafts settle along with the waters, which have at last calmed in time for a serene sunset. The Caridickean is secretly heartbroken, but swallows its disappointment, wishing that it was swallowing something else.
With the deck finally stable, the characters can finally begin their fight. The demons begin yeeting the intruders back onto the sexually sated Pearl. With each sailor slapped onto the deck, the ship is pushed farther and farther away from the Caridickean. Noticing that the invading ship is beginning to leave, Syghie notices that there is one stray still on the boat. “Someone stop Zero!!!!” she scream syghies. “Zack and Cody are watching and they can’t witness anymore graphic sex on the boat, especially on international waters!!!”
Mage begins casting a little spell, his magic feeling like a lightly salted emulsion of water droplets in milk fat. WHOOM! Syghie has flashbacks to the butter closet, and feels a little seasick.
“What is this?” Zero emerges from Jumin’s suite, period blood dripping down the sides of his mouth. He squints his eyes and looks out.
He is suddenly on a pristine beach. He can’t quite remember what he was just doing, but right now it feels nice and warm. Ahhhhhh.
“QUICK! Now while he’s caught in this delusion!” Syghie says!!! Mage’s brow is knit in concentration as he holds Zero in the illusion, but it seems to be working, as Zero is standing still, dazed.
Jain watches as Zero is taken away into isolation so he can recover from his bloodlust. as the demons psychically propel him onto the Pearl. She will remember him… But alas, her heart must go on.