The Trials and Tribulations of Trying to Talk while Love Drunk

Peter spends the night at Parker’s house. 

He holds Parker late into the night, listening to his breaths, and tries to provide even a fraction of the comfort Parker has given him. They eventually cuddle in his bed, entwined in their grief and guilt. So much more about Parker makes sense now, but a voice in Peter’s mind warns him against getting too attached: he’s in love with someone else, remember?

He lays next to Parker the next morning and snakes an arm under the older man to pull him close and rest a cheek against Parker’s forehead. He briefly marvels at Parker’s warm and sleepy breaths as they land upon his chest before pressing soft kisses into mussed hair. Parker throws a loose arm over him, fingers dragging over his hip bone, and lazily settles into his side. The entire feeling of it all threatens to overwhelm him, so Peter tries his best to focus on little details of the moment: the warmth of Parker’s palm radiating into his skin, Parker’s faint scent of citrus and cedarwood, the little huffs of air (not quite a snore but still a little louder than usual) that Parker lets out unevenly. 

He’s not sure how long he stays like that — soaking in the sensations — but eventually Parker starts stirring, stretching slightly before slipping in a leg between Peter’s thighs and arching his back. Peter feels his breath hitch as he watches skin and muscle move, eyes completely transfixed on the smooth expanse of Parker’s torso. He wills his hands to stay in place; this isn’t the time to think with the wrong head.

“Good morning.” Parker mumbles, head half turned into the pillow and voice half muffled from sleep. He cracks open one eye and Peter is briefly taken aback by the deep blue. He smiles adoringly and allows himself to lightly drag his fingernails across Parker’s back, enjoying the way the sleepy man melts beneath his touch.

A grumble comes from the pillow. “How are you awake so early? I didn’t take you for a morning person.” 

“Can’t sleep.” Peter replies honestly, tucking in his lips for a wan smile. “I just have a lot on my mind.”

“Hmmm.” He feels Parker shift slowly, before a quick kiss is pressed onto his collarbone and a hand runs up his flank and over the dip of his waist. “What are you thinking about?” 

Peter’s blood freezes as he considers how to answer that truthfully: I realized I can’t be with you because you’re in love with someone else but I can’t and don’t want to let you go. He blinks.

“Breakfast.”

Another kiss, followed by a small laugh, is placed on his chest as Parker snuggles up to him. “We can go out in a bit if you want. I'm not sure what’s open, but…”

“Go out?”

“Yeah!” Parker laughs lightly as he rolls over and looks at Peter with heavy lidded eyes. “I don’t think we’ll run into any trouble if we just go get coffee or something.”

Peter nods. The universe is cruel, he supposes, as it gives him a taste of what he’s wanted this whole time after twisting the knife in his heart the previous night. “Sure.”

“Great! I have to let Sandwich out for a second, but we can head out after that.” Parker rolls out of bed smoothly and stretches briefly, his joints cracking and disrupting the quiet of the apartment, before throwing on a sweatshirt. 

Peter smiles sadly as he stays in bed and wonders how differently things might have turned out had he been able to keep his feelings for Parker from ballooning out of control. He allows himself to daydream a life where just hooking up and getting coffee with Parker would have been enough and he hates that selfish greediness within him that wants more than Parker can give him. It’s not fair for either of them. Perhaps if they had met at a different time, when they had both healed enough or had been able to give each other just what they needed, then maybe…

The thought hurts too much to think about, so Peter tucks his head into the pillows briefly. He inhales deeply, tries to capture as much of Parker’s smell, before he hears him call out from his office.

“Are you ready? I can always bring you something back if you’d like!”

“No, no, I’m coming!” He roots around for his clothes, stiffly tugging on his jeans and buttoning up his shirt. He ruffles his hair as he walks out of Parker’s bedroom, hoping it’s enough to get rid of the bed head. Peter stops in his tracks as he notices Parker standing in the living room, Sandwhich’s leash hanging loosely off his wrist as the dog runs to greet him. Parker looks at him fondly as the sun begins streaming into the apartment. “What?” 

Parker just shakes his head with a thin smile and shrugs. “Nothing. I just wanted to say thanks for understanding last night. You’re just…you’re something else. It’s nice.” 

Peter nods hurriedly, afraid of his voice betraying him. “Um, yeah. Don’t mention it.

***

As the trio walks a few blocks to Parker’s favorite coffee shop, Peter admires the signs of spring. Magnolia trees are beginning to bloom, he can hear the soft tittering of baby birds, and even the air smells a little crisper and cleaner. He looks at Parker and feels the corners of his mouth tug up; Parker’s scowling lightly and squinting in the early morning sunshine despite wearing sunglasses. It’s a surreal feeling — the moment is so domestic and yet Peter knows he can’t delude himself by reading too much into it. 

He clears his throat, hoping it’s enough to push his feelings down as Sandwich runs ahead of them. The terrier strains on his leash to sniff at a curbside trash bag, and Peter can’t help but snort as Parker tries to reprimand his dog. 

“Don’t laugh!” Parker groans, trying to hold back a chuckle as he brings in the leash. “You’ll only encourage him more.”

“He’s a dog!” 

“He’s a menace!” Parker lets out a giggle and that’s enough to get them both laughing loudly. Sandwich takes the opportunity to root happily in the trash. 

“I can’t believe it’s spring already,” Parker sighs once they manage to pull Sandwich away from the bag. “We only have six or so weeks left of school, and then it’ll be summer. Do you have any plans?

Peter hums in appreciation, thinking about warmer days and sunny adventures. He shakes his head brusquely as he quickly remembers the fact that he’s going to be best friendless soon. “Not really. I have some photography jobs lined up and some stuff on campus too. Usually I’d go on vacation with Gwen’s family, but since she’s going to England I guess I’ll be here all summer. What about you?” 

“Hmm.” Parker thinks silently for a minute. “I don’t know, really? Before my divorce I had planned on spending some time in L.A. with MJ, but I guess that’s off the table now. Seems like it might be a lonely summer, no?” 

There’s an odd note in his voice that Peter can’t quite wrap his head around. It sounds a little like hope, but he’s stuck on the key phrase: a lonely summer. What does that mean? Peter shrugs. “Sure seems like it, prof.” 

“Professor.” Parker chuckles softly as he repeats the word back to him. “I guess you won’t have to call me that anymore soon.” 

“No, I guess not.” Peter gulps as his mind jumps to a question he’s not sure he can ask: what should I call you then — friend, lover, 10 p.m. booty call, boyfriend ? The words dry up in his mouth as Parker stops in front of a coffee shop he recognizes all too well; it’s the same coffee shop Harry broke up with him at all those months ago. Peter almost wants to laugh at the universe’s twisted sense of humor but he settles for shaking his head instead. 

“I can stand outside with Sandwich if you’d like.” He offers helpfully, and Parker quickly hands off the dog’s leash before darting inside.

“What are the odds of ending up back at this place, huh buddy?” Peter asks Sandwich while they wait. He receives a sniffle in response as the dog begins nosing a scrap of bread on the sidewalk. With that, Peter sits down at an outdoor table and turns his head up to the sky to bask in the sunshine. For a moment, he forgets about his worries — the uncertainty of what he has with Parker, his lack of summer plans, the fact that he has to end things with Parker because his feelings are growing too real and too painful to continue casually.

“Peter?” A voice jolts him out of his sunbathing. 

Peter whips his head toward the sound and automatically raises a hand in greeting toward the impeccably dressed figure walking towards him. “Hey, Har!” 

He beams at his friend for a moment before the realization hits him, the smile sliding off his face — he’s at a coffee shop with Parker. And now Harry is there. Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit. Peter’s mind somersaults into panic mode as he mentally rifles through excuses for being there with Parker at 7:30 a.m.

“Is that Sandwich?” Harry asks, stooping down to pet the dog who readily accepts the attention, and his eyebrows furrow as he looks up at Peter. They lock eyes and Peter stays silent, unable to speak. 

“Yeah,” he eventually squeaks out and Harry tilts his head as he straightens back up, just in time to see Parker pick up two coffees. Peter says a silent prayer and curses his Peter Parker luck. Again, what are the odds? 

Harry looks down at Peter with raised eyebrows and the hint of a smile. “Huh.” He huffs out quietly with a little nod before clearing his throat. The smile returns, this time softer, and he whispers. “It’s nice to see you, Peter. And Sandwich, too.” 

Peter can only nod as Harry’s soft smile transforms, the lower lip curving down sadly. “And say hi to Parker for me, please.” 

Harry strides away with a little wave. It’s only after he rounds a corner that Peter lets a ragged breath out. He hears the door open and two coffees are placed on the table. He barely registers Parker is talking to him. 

“Hey, are you okay?” 

 Peter shakes his head and hears himself whisper as if from far away. “Harry knows.” 

“What?” Parker frowns, a crease growing between his eyebrows. “No, he doesn’t.”

“He does.” Peter hesitantly meets Parker’s wide blue eyes. Parker’s face is blank, not fearful as he would have expected, and his jaw is set in quiet determination. The now perpetual coil at the bottom of his stomach grows tighter. “I’m so sorry.” He’s not entirely sure why he’s apologizing, but it feels like the only thing he can do. “I’m so sorry.”

Parker rolls his head back and closes his eyes. “Don’t be. I knew what I was getting into. I don’t think Harry knows, but even if he does… I mean, it’s almost the end of the school year.” He shrugs nonchalantly and takes a sip of his coffee as Peter’s mind reels. “It’ll be okay, Peter.”

***

The rest of the morning passes by uneventfully, but Peter continues feeling guilty even if he can’t quite articulate why. The last 24 hours have been an emotional gut punch and he’s not sure how to bring everything up to Parker. They walk in silence to Peter’s bus stop, keeping a good amount of distance between them that didn’t exist earlier, and he doesn’t miss how Parker looks at him with concern. 

“Let’s talk later, okay?” Parker asks as the bus rolls to a stop in front of them. “Let me know if you need anything.”

Peter nods dejectedly, leaving Parker behind with a small wave and a heaviness in his chest.

Halfway through his ride home, he inwardly curses both Harry Osborns, but quickly feels his stomach flip flop with guilt. It’s not their fault: it’s Harry’s neighborhood too, and it’s no use being angry at someone who’s dead . 

No, this mess of a situation is entirely on him. Peter sighs: he was the one who couldn’t keep his feelings for Parker to himself. After all, he was the one who lied to his friends about his situation with his professor and he was the one who told Parker that he didn’t need to have a relationship, that just hooking up was enough. He was the one who managed to let his feelings for Parker grow out of control, even after learning that Parker was in love with someone else. And he was the one who stupidly asked about Parker’s Harry and knowingly tortured himself with that information.  

Peter blows out his cheeks as he sighs; this is his mess to fix.

***

Peter drags his feet home, ready to collapse into his bed and have a good cry, when he sees Gwen at their kitchen table, waiting with a mug of tea and a stony face. He gulps. “You okay?” He asks nervously, hanging up his jacket and dropping his keys into the bowl by their door.

Gwen sucks in her cheeks and gives him a narrow eyed glare as she looks up from her tea mug. “So, when were you planning on telling me that you’re fucking Professor Parker?” There’s no lead up to it. Gwen just drops that bomb and waits for his answer. 

“I-” Peter can’t quite get the words out due to the alarm bells going off in his brain. Could Harry have called her already? What could he have said? Gwen’s green eyes pierce into his instinctual urge to deny, deny, deny and he finds himself unraveling. “I don’t know.”  

“Peter.” Her stare only grows more intense. “How long has this been going on?”

“For the last three months?” 

“What the fuck.” She swears under her breath. “Why didn’t you say anything?” 

Peter takes a sobering breath as he shuffles to their kitchen table, plops onto a chair opposite to her, and drops his head into his hands. Better late than never to come clean about it all, he supposes. 

“Honestly, I don’t know. I was worried about what you’d say. I was worried that you’d judge me. I didn’t want you to have to keep this secret with me and I just felt, I don’t know, like it was too big of a thing to involve you in. I don’t know.” His voice is oddly ragged by the end and he feels the telltale pinpricks of tears in his eyes. 

Gwen’s face crumples. “You’re my best friend Peter. No secret is too big to share with me.”

“I’m sorry,” Peter sinks deep into his chair and finally meets her eyes, hoping to wordlessly convey how sorry he is. “I’m really sorry. I just-” His voice cracks.

“Hey, hey, hey — are you okay?” Gwen’s eyebrows push up in concern as she reaches across the table to hold his hand. “What happened?”

“I don’t know.” He groans. “I just-I think I fucked up and got in way over my head.” He admits as the weight of the evening finally catches up to him and he slumps forward. Damn him and his feelings for Parker and his incessant need for more. 

“What do you mean?” 

“I managed to fall in love with Professor Parker.” He confesses sadly, mouth twisting bitterly, as he meets Gwen’s worried gaze. “We agreed to only hook up and stuff, but I had to ruin it by falling in love with him.” 

“Oh, Peter.” She gives him a pitiful look as she gives his hand a gentle squeeze. “Is that really so bad?”

He nods. “It’s complicated.” 

Gwen shakes her head ruefully. “I mean, I figured — you are sleeping with your professor. But what’s wrong with loving him?”

“He’s in love with someone else.” Peter states quietly. He feels a few tears leak out as he takes a shaky breath. “He’s been in love with someone else this whole time. I never even had a chance.” 

Peter feels the tears come up in earnest and Gwen’s anger is quickly left behind as she stands up to wrap her arms around him. 

***

Peter ignores Parker’s text message later that night asking if he’s alright. Instead he piles his blankets onto the couch, convinces Gwen to sit through yet another musical, and he resolutely ignores how Ewan McGregor’s eyes remind him of Parker’s. Partway through the movie, Peter’s phone buzzes as Parker sends him another message asking if he’d like to come over the next day. He doesn’t bother hiding it from Gwen anymore. 

“You gonna respond?” She asks around a slurp of hot and sour soup as she watches the screen light up.

“Nope.” Peter stuffs his phone into the couch cushion, hoping that if he buries it down deep enough that it’ll just disappear and take all of his problems along with it.

Later that night, when it’s just him and his thoughts, he looks over old messages with Parker. He agonizes over responding to him (it would be so easy to give into the instant gratification, to eagerly accept the invitation to come over) before tossing his phone into a pile of his dirty clothes, far from his bed. 

***

The rest of the weekend passes by more or less the same, but on Tuesday morning Peter finds himself in front of the bathroom mirror giving himself a pep talk. He has to talk to Parker and end the whole thing they have going on; it makes his heart ache just a little but he knows it’s the right thing to do for the both of them. 

Peter’s mind is made up by the time he arrives at class. Gwen does her best to distract Peter with some anecdote or plans for the summer but still — his stomach turns to lead and he briefly feels his morning toast make its way up to his throat the second they walk into the lecture hall. Parker’s already writing equations on one side of the board, getting ready for the lecture, with his back towards them as they enter. Peter feels his mouth run dry at the sight of Parker. He’s seen him like this a hundred times before (often without clothes on), but even then his body can’t help but react. 

“Hey Pete, do you want to sit somewhere else today?” Gwen gently nudges him, seeing the faraway look in his eyes.

“No, no. I’m fine.” He shakes his head and they make their way down towards the front and center, to Gwen’s favorite seat. He ignores the thousands of warning bells going off in his mind. 

He’s not sure what Parker’s going to think when he sees them, but he’s equally unsure of how he’ll react. Peter half expects himself to burst into tears at the sight of Parker’s eyes looking at him with disappointment or worse, indifference, for not responding to him all weekend. He shakily takes out his notebook and bites a fingernail while he waits with bated breath. 

“Good morning, everyone!” Parker turns to the class with an easy smile that doesn’t falter when he spots Peter and Gwen. Instead, hurt flits briefly through those beautifully big blue eyes before the look turns to quiet relief. If anything that just makes his smile even more gentle and Peter can feel his own face start to betray him — his eyebrows pushing up in distress and mouth digging in around his thumb’s fingernail. Thankfully Parker’s gaze doesn’t linger on him as he begins his lecture and Peter lets out a sigh of relief. 

However, those 80 minutes of biochemistry lecture go on for an eternity. Peter doesn’t even attempt to take notes toward the end and instead lays his pen down to think about what he’s going to say to Parker after class. He almost wishes he could just end what they have going on through a simple text message, but no — he owes it to himself and Parker to talk. It feels like the right thing to do.

As Parker finishes up and begins erasing the board ahead of the next lecturer, Peter makes his way down to the center of the hall. He can feel Gwen’s eyes on him as he stands by the podium with Parker’s class notes and he self consciously shifts his weight from foot to foot, fidgeting with his backpack straps. “Hey, Professor Parker, can we talk?” 

Parker turns to him as he pauses in the middle of erasing a structure, leaving a hydroxide ion hanging awkwardly and unattached to a ring. His facial expression is neutral, maybe a little surprised, but Peter finds himself chewing his lip as he’s unable to gauge much else. “Sure.”

“In your office I mean?” He clarifies, putting extra emphasis on office in the hopes that Parker understands the importance of privacy. 

“Oh, okay!” Parker nods quickly and doesn’t bother to finish clearing off the board, instead returning the eraser to its place and dusting his hands off on his pants. A bit of chalky residue settles onto his thigh and there’s an odd twinge in Peter’s chest — a bittersweet surge of affection for this man who’s been so good to him. 

They walk in uneasy silence to Parker’s office, both unwilling to break the silence, and Peter can feel his feet dragging more and more as they approach Parker’s office. 

“Sorry, it’s a bit messy.” Parker apologizes as he darts in and scrambles to turn the various lamp switches on. Peter watches his back as Parker moves quickly, even though it takes him a few tries before the room is fully lit. 

Satisfied with the lighting, Parker finally turns to him with his gaze softening. “How are you? You seemed…distracted and worried on Saturday.” 

Peter swallows. “It’s…complicated.” 

“Yeah. I figured.” He nods. “I was just wondering if you were alright. Sorry if I messaged you too much.”

“No! No, it’s not you who should be apologizing.” Peter shakes his head, feelings his lips form a thin but hopefully reassuring smile. “Um. I just-I just wasn’t sure of how to say this but I’m… I think we should stop this. You know, hooking up and sneaking around.” 

“Oh?” Parker blinks rapidly, obviously caught off guard, before schooling his features into a more neutral expression

“...yeah.” Peter’s voice is quiet and for a moment he feels as if he’s stepping outside his body. “I’m sorry for just springing it up like this, but um Harry and Gwen know and it’s just…I don’t know. I just feel bad and wrong and I-” He stops short of confessing because he can’t bear to tell Parker that he loves him and not hear it back. 

“Okay. I get it.” And there it is again — that gentle look of complete understanding that Peter has come to love so much.

Peter gulps, feeling the sudden urge to explain himself. Despite everything, he doesn’t want to hurt Parker. “Look, I just don’t want you to get in trouble and it feels like it’s the right thing to do, you know?” 

“Right thing to do. Yeah.” Parker echoes hollowly. “It is the responsible thing to do, I suppose.”

“I do want to thank you, though.” Peter nods stiffly, allowing himself to provide Parker just a glimpse of his true feelings for him. “You’ve been so good to me. And you understood what I was going through. So, yeah. Thanks.” 

“Don’t worry about it.” Parker waves him off, just as he’s always done, but fixes him with a piercing stare, one that amplifies the sincerity in his voice. “I just didn’t want you to keep beating yourself up. I meant it, Peter. Everything I ever said, I meant it. You are amazing, and I feel very lucky to have gotten to know you.”

Peter blushes at those words and drops his gaze. He stares at his beat up tennis shoes and hopes that his voice doesn’t betray him. “You’re being way too nice to me, right now. But um, thanks. I needed to hear that.” He peeks up to catch Parker’s mouth quirk for a second into a crestfallen look, but it fizzles out almost immediately.

He hears Parker clear his throat tentatively. “I know this is a cliche, but I hope we can stay friends? Or at least that you feel comfortable stopping by my office if you ever need anything? I may not be your advisor, but if you’d ever like a second eye on anything — my door’s always open.” 

Peter nods, a knot of emotion stuck in his throat and threatening to overpower him. “I’d like that. Sorry, again, for just springing it out of nowhere. There’s just so much going on and I think I need to work on myself for a bit. The timing was just off I guess?”

“Yeah, I get that.” Parker’s voice is soft and sweet; it makes him feel as if he’s enveloped in a warm blanket. “For what it’s worth, I really liked spending time with you.”

Peter feels his mouth quirk at the wistful tone in his voice. “Maybe if everything else had been different…” He lets his voice trail off. 

“Maybe.” 

***

Even without Parker to take up his thoughts and evenings, Peter feels those last few weeks of school pass in the blink of an eye and it seems as if everything changes in that short period of time. 

Peter stops diligently going to Parker’s office hours, instead spending hours with Gwen in the library and asking Harry for help with studying for his finals. “I don’t know why you’re asking me, Pete.” Harry grumbles, pushing back a stray piece of hair, as he checks Peter’s drawing of a dipeptide structure and its corresponding stereochemistry. “I suck at biochem and I’m technically an econ major .”

He finally listens to the little voice in his head and takes the big step of going to one of the school’s therapists. It’s an imperfect process and it takes him a few visits to find someone he feels comfortable with as he slowly peels away at the layers of guilt and grief that envelope him. He makes a point to call May after a particularly difficult session. “It’ll be okay, Pete. I’m proud of you and love you so very much.” She repeats that every time he calls her and every time it soothes his soul like a bowl of matzo ball soup. 

He begins packing to move in with Harry for the summer. With their lease ending soon after the school year (and Gwen leaving), he and Gwen say goodbye to their apartment with a party and celebrate the end of the school year. “I can’t believe I’m leaving in just two weeks!” Gwen exclaims as she rollerskates in their empty living room. She skates in circles around Peter as he sits cross legged on the floor with his laptop, music playing out of tinny speakers. “It’s a little weird to think you’ll be rooming with Harry, but just promise not to kill each other? Or worse — don’t become best friends because I really don’t want to go through the trouble of finding another roommate I like as much as you.” Peter laughs before reassuring her that it’s only temporary.

All in all, his last month of school goes pretty well. It’s an odd feeling, and Peter almost stops waiting for that awful Peter Parker luck to strike.

Almost. 

There’s still one particularly niggling feeling at the back of his neck whenever he thinks about Professor Parker. He’s made it a point of avoiding him as much as possible (not including lectures and even then he’s managed to convince Gwen to move back a few rows sometimes) and that plan works pretty well until the last day of classes, when he has to turn in his biochemistry final. It’s not that he doesn’t want to see Professor Parker, it’s just that it hurts so much . It’s like a scab; he can’t risk picking at it due to the danger of reopening the wound. 

That’s why it catches Peter so off guard when Parker looks up at him as he goes to drop off his exam; Parker glances up at the exact moment he steps down from the last step and his pen stops, poised above the previous week’s lab write ups he’s grading. Peter adds his packet to the growing pile on Parker’s desk by the lecture hall podium, trying to stop his hands from fidgeting with his exam, and feels something catch in his throat as he meets Parker’s gaze.

“Hey, prof.” He mumbles before he can stop himself.

“Hey, Peter.” Parker whispers back, offering the smallest of smiles, his pen still hovering over the paper. “I hope it went well?”

“Yeah,” Peter nods, caught in the riptide of those blue eyes. “It wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be.” 

“I’m glad.” Parker’s smile deepens, growing a little, but somehow it doesn’t reach his eyes. His mouth slopes down as he nods. “I hope you have a good summer, Peter. It’s been a pleasure.” 

“Yeah, you too.” Peter breathes out, suddenly aware of the pressure in his chest. He backs away with a quick and apologetic nod before bolting up the stairs, certain that if he were to stay just a moment longer (even if it was to say goodbye) that he would backtrack on everything and beg Parker for even a crumb of affection. He eventually finds a warm and dry patch of grass on the quad lawn to lay and settle his nerves. As he stares up at the cloudless sky, he tries to push aside how ridiculously familiar that shade of blue feels and how much it feels like home.

The rest of finals go by without much fanfare — Gwen gets an A in biochemistry (to no one’s surprise) and even Peter manages to get a solid B. He almost jokes about the perks of sleeping with his professor but the dull ache in his heart makes it hard to say anything, instead, he shoots a relieved look at Gwen who smiles brightly, proud, at him. 

***

It all ends with Gwen’s going away party. 

Peter watches the day approach with nerves, excitement, and a teensy tiny bit of sadness. He’s never been good on his own and the idea of spending an entire summer in New York best friendless is daunting to say the least. But still, he puts his chin up and gives himself an encouraging nod in the mirror. 

“Like this?” He asks Gwen, swiping the cobalt blue eyeliner brush out along his upper lid. She nods with a pleased grin from her seat on the toilet. Her plastic champagne flute dangles dangerously from her fingers, the gaudy glitter catching in Harry’s stupidly good bathroom lighting.

“Perfect! Absolutely perfect, Peter!” She beams before fumbling with a pot of glittery gel and pushing it towards him. She takes a sloppy swig of her drink, a hazy grin settling on her face. “Now for the finishing touch!” 

They giggle together as Peter swipes glitter onto his eyelids and cheekbones. Gwen then lifts her face up expectantly, like a brilliantly blond sunflower, wordlessly asking for Peter to do the same on her. She closes her eyes as their usual roles are reversed.   

“Are you two ready?” Harry appears at the door, eyebrow furrowed as he shoots them a curious look. “People are starting to ask for the special guest of honor.” 

“Oh shit!” Gwen exclaims as she sets her drink down and launches up from her seat. She pulls Harry into a tight hug, drawing a surprised little noise as he’s knocked back by the force of her embrace. “Thank you Harr for letting me take over your bathroom and your house for tonight!” 

She pulls away and her smile somehow gets brighter. “I’ll miss your prissiness! You were such a good lab partner!” With that admonition, Gwen barrels past him and out his bedroom with a loud greeting for the rest of the party guests. 

Peter laughs as he watches Harry take a moment to collect himself. 

“Prissy?” Harry repeats to himself, almost shocked. “I’m not prissy.” He scoffs lightly and that sets Peter off into another round of hearty laughter. 

“Whatever you have to tell yourself, man.” Peter continues chuckling as he picks up Gwen’s makeup, making sure to store it back into her small pouch.

Harry leans against the door and watches him. He places his hands in his pockets in an attempt to look casual, but Peter knows him well enough to know that there’s something beneath it all. He sighs as he looks directly at him and lifts an eyebrow. 

“What?” Harry asks, his face partially illuminated by the summer sunset streaming in through his big windows. 

Peter shrugs. “I don’t know. It looked like you wanted to ask me something?” 

A small embarrassed huff comes out of Harry as he shakes his head and looks down. “I just wanted to ask about Parker. I mean…” He trails off as he looks up from under his bangs, and sends him a knowing look. 

Peter feels his cheeks redden as he gulps nervously. Right. “What do you mean?”

“You know…you two are together or something.” Harry shrugs, shoulders lolling just a little bit and he tilts his head. “Remember that day I ran into you at the coffee shop? It was pretty clear you two were there together.” 

“Oh.” Peter’s cheeks feel warm as he laughs nervously. “Um. We’re not…No, we’re not together.” 

Harry’s head tilts even more and he pulls a face, equal parts incredulous and dismayed. “You don’t have to keep it a secret. It’s okay if you two are dating.” 

“No, it’s not that.” Peter shakes his ruefully, sighing deeply as he tries to condense what happened between him and Parker into a single sentence. “It’s more like, we had something and then it just… stopped happening?” 

“Stopped happening?” Harry frowns and Peter feels oddly self conscious. “What’s that supposed to mean?” 

“Uhhh…” Peter struggles to find the right words, weighing how much he should tell Harry. “We hooked up for a bit and then we stopped. It just stopped happening, you know?” 

Harry’s mouth puckers, as if he’s trying to swallow back a retort, and Peter flashes back to their conversation in the dining hall. He wonders if Harry is putting together all the pieces now. He hums after a thoughtful moment. “Well, that’s a shame. You seemed happy. Parker seemed happier than usual too.” 

“Yeah?” Peter tries not to sound too eager, but he knows it’s impossible. Despite everything, he still has that particular soft spot for Parker. 

“Yeah,” Harry gives him a soft smile. “He’s been through a lot. That’s why he always seems a little sad, you know? Like he’s hiding some sort of secret or something. I don’t know if that makes much sense.”

“No, no. I totally get it.” 

“Yeah.” Harry crosses his arms and looks out over to his windows to briefly admire the last bit of the day’s sunlight. “That’s why I thought it was kind of nice you two were together. You’re a good match.” 

“Really?” Peter breaths and now the hope in his voice is transparently clear. 

Harry nods, eyes still fixed on the setting sun. “Yeah. I liked you a lot, but I know we weren’t right for each other. I still wanted you to be happy, though. You deserve to be happy.” 

“Thanks, Harr.”

***

One of the things Peter most admires about Gwen is her commitment to everything she does. Her going away party is no exception. She chants and rallies their small group as she leads them to the dance club, fist pumping and jumping in glee. Her energy is infectious and Peter finds himself chanting alongside her, not caring about how obnoxious they’re coming off as — he sees a passerby shake their head with a smile at the short blond leading the pack with rowdy enthusiasm. He allows himself to whoop encouragingly as Gwen continues chanting, nearly toppling over at one point. 

That energy holds strong and true as they dance their way into the night. Every time he feels ready to call it quits and go home, he finds Gwen at his side, pulling him further into the dancing crowd. At one point she twirls under the disco ball, hair gleaming in its multifaceted sparkle, and she extends her arms out, waggling her fingers briefly, before taking Peter’s hands into her own. She spins them giddily, throwing her head back to laugh. Peter feels an identical laugh bubble in his chest and he lets himself revel in the moment, somehow feeling all his worries being danced cleanly away. 

It goes like that for a while, until it’s almost 2 a.m. and Peter’s feet start feeling like lead. He mentally thanks Harry for living so close by (unsure he’d be able to make the trek to their old apartment) before deciding to go home. He looks for Gwen in the crowd, having lost her earlier in the night, and miraculously manages to catch her eye before jerking his head, motioning toward the door, and mouthing going outside . She nods and starts making her way towards him — a white blond head bobbing and weaving through the crowd. 

She catches up to him by the door sporting a giant smile. “Guess who got a number!” She sing-songs triumphantly with a little wiggle of her shoulders. 

Peter shakes his head with a smile. “You’re…impressive.”

Gwen titters as they step outside, showing their stamped hands to ensure reentry, and shrugs coyly. It’s part of the Gwen Stacy charm, he supposes. After all, standing next to her has always felt a little like standing by a fireplace on a winter evening; warm, comforting, soul affirming. 

He’s going to miss her so much. 

He watches Gwen as they continue walking, making their way down the street before stopping in front of the church steps from all those months ago. He grimaces just a little, his ego bruised at remembering how much of a mess he was that night. Still, he gestures at Gwen to sit down and much to his surprise, she does — only half checking to see if there’s gum or any other questionable stain on the concrete steps. 

They watch the cars drive by and drunken club goers stumble home, some giddy and others pensive, in silence. Gwen’s eyes glaze over in thought and she sighs as a little frown settles onto her face. “I don’t think I’ve said this enough, but I’m really going to miss you.” 

“I’m gonna miss you too.” Peter responds, touched. 

“No, but it’s different.” Gwen’s nose twitches, like an irritated rabbit. “You’ve changed this year. Like a good change. I know part of it is therapy and everything else, but still…” Her voice trails off. “I’ve always admired how much you love people, you know? You’re just so honest about it.”

“Thank you.” He breathes, even though he can hear there’s more to the compliment.

“Yeah. I’m just thinking about your thing with Parker. You really went for it and even though it ended the way it did, I don’t know — it’s inspiring, I guess.” She shrugs casually, bringing her knees in, resting an elbow on her thigh, and cradling her chin in her palm as she continues watching the road. 

“It’s inspiring to get your heart broken?” Peter lets out a self deprecating laugh.

“No, silly!” She rolls her eyes before turning to him with a funny look on her face. “It’s just — you still took that chance, you know? I’m just saying that it’s admirable.”

Peter shrugs, conceding. “Yeah. Sucks that it hurts so badly, though.”

Gwen snakes an arm around his waist to pull him into a one armed hug. “I’m sorry.” She squeezes him tightly. “Do you miss him?” 

Peter closes his eyes, wondering if he should answer that honestly. “Yeah. Way more than I should, I think.”

Gwen hmmms thoughtfully. “Did you ever tell him how you felt?” 

He hangs his head and shakes it sadly. “Nope. It didn’t feel right?” He shrugs. “I mean, he’s in love with someone else. It would have been really pathetic for me to have confessed my feelings. Trust me, we’re both better off this way.” 

“You really think so?” 

“Yeah. I know so.” Peter’s mouth twists as he thinks back to that conversation with Peter. “You should have heard him when he talked about him. I could hear it in his voice — just how much he missed his Harry. That’s what he called him, too. He still loves him so much, Gwen.” 

There’s a tiny, frustrated huff at his side. “Is that so bad, though?” Gwen looks up at him, mouth pulled into a tight frown. “All that grief is just the love he never got to express. It doesn’t mean he can’t love you back.” 

“Gwen…”

“I’m serious, Pete.” She untangles herself from him, shifts her body so that she’s fully facing him. Her stare is intense. “You both have so much love to give. It would be a shame for you to keep it to yourself. If you still have those feelings for Parker, you should say something!”

Peter shakes his head, that dull ache in his chest returning. “I can’t.” 

“Yes, you can, Pete!” Gwen reaches for his hand and gives it a reassuring squeeze. He vaguely remembers her words from all those months ago: you deserve all the love in the world. “You owe it to yourself to at least try.”  

Silence hangs between as Peter tries to absorb Gwen’s words. At first, his mind rebels against her advice. That part of him that’s desperately held onto the guilt from Ben’s death threatens to claw back up and remind him of all his mistakes — to remind him that he’s undeserving of anything good and kind. But then, he thinks back to the words of his friends, his therapist, his Aunt May : if there’s one thing you are, Peter Parker, it’s good.

He hears Gwen sigh heavily. She stands up, dusts herself off, and looks down at him with a pointed look. “You could stay on this curb and go home, or…” She leaves that sentence hanging, allowing Peter to fill in the blank. “He lives around here, doesn’t he?” 

Peter nods wordlessly as Gwen gives him a pleased little grin and ruffles his hair. 

“I’m going to keep dancing, okay. I’ll see you tomorrow night — remember you have to drive me to the airport!” With that, she waves goodbye and turns back to the club, leaving Peter to wrestle with his thoughts. 

Peter sighs and reclines on the cold, concrete steps before tilting his head back. Despite the subway overpass and light pollution of the city, he can see a few stray stars in the night sky. He doesn’t last long in that position — somehow those steps are a lot less comfortable than he remembers — before dusting himself off to begin his (thankfully) short walk home.  

***

Peter doesn’t plan for it. At a certain point, muscle memory kicks in and his feet start leading him back to that apartment building he’s come to know so well. As he walks down that street, he tries to get his feet back under control — you can turn around, he repeats to himself as he continues walking closer, you can still turn around. 

But his feet don’t listen. 

He’s almost to Parker’s apartment building when he hears a familiar bark up ahead. He stops, like a deer in headlights, as a man and a little scruffy dog walk into the light from the opposite direction. They’re both still a little too far away to fully identify, but Peter knows who it is. His breath freezes in his lungs as he hopes that the lone lamppost outside Parker’s apartment building is too dim to fully reveal him. 

The dog barks again and he can hear an exhausted mutter that’s followed by a canine whine. “Sandwich, stop straining.” Parker grunts.   

Sandwich pays Parker no mind as he whines again and barks, breaking Peter out of his daze. His mind yells at his feet to turn around, practically begging for him to run away. 

“Hey, Professor Parker!”

His feet once again resume walking, fully ignoring his brain, and he meets Parker at the midpoint, in front of a dusty hatchback that’s seen better days and has a semi legible “wash me!” scrawled on its side window. 

“Hey, Peter.” The porchlight of another building illuminates Parker’s handsome features as he lifts a hand and Peter finds himself breathless at the sight of those blue eyes he’d missed so much. 

“Hey, how are you doing?” The words come out of him a little stilted and nervous. His eyes remain fixed on Parker’s face as he feels a weak flutter in his chest building up again. 

Parker shrugs easily, stifling a yawn. “Okay. I can’t complain much — classes are done and I’ll be conducting research this summer.” 

“Oh!” Peter does his best to sound interested, but he can feel his tongue curling and readying itself to ask a million questions: do you miss me? Do you want to hook up again? Do you feel the same way I feel about you? Do you think you could ever love me? “That sounds great! Sounds like a fun summer!” 

Parker’s laugh echoes on the empty street. “It’s actually very boring.” He chuckles, lifting a shoulder up coyly, before giving him a sidelong glance. “What about you? How have you been?”

“Um…good. Yeah, I’ve been finishing up the school year and I’ve moved into the neighborhood — Harry’s my roommate now, while Gwen’s gone for the summer.” Peter shrugs.

“Oh.” 

Once again, Peter can feel an uneasy silence coming up and he mentally rifles through all his topics of small talk just to have another minute with Parker. Oh, Sandwich! He can ask about his dog and-

“You look good tonight.” Parker compliments him quietly. He gestures toward his cheek bones. “I like the glitter.” 

Peter sighs, relieved, and beams. Honestly, he had forgotten what he looked like: sweaty, glittery, likely reeking of the cheap champagne Gwen had sprayed him with earlier, and wearing yet another borrowed button down. “Thanks! I feel like that’s kind of becoming a thing — I show up glittery and drunk at your doorstep?” 

Parker’s lips curl up tentatively and he smiles as he looks Peter over. “I guess so, yeah. I don’t mind it, though.”

That look causes Peter’s cheeks to redden. He’s not sure how to respond to that as his instincts tell him that Parker’s flirting with him. “Thanks, uh, I’ll keep that in mind. It should come in handy this summer, seeing as I’ll be in the neighborhood and everything.” 

They both let those words linger, a confession hidden somewhere in there, and Sandwich whines softly at Peter, asking for a quick head scratch that he eagerly provides. 

Parker breaks the silence first by clearing his throat and breathing in deeply. “I wanted to apologize, Peter.” 

“What for?” He asks incredulously, slowly straightening up from petting Sandwich and to meet Parker’s bashful gaze. 

He watches Parker’s lips press up in a pout as he weighs his words. He sighs again. “I wasn’t a very good partner. I know we weren't anything official, but still. I don’t think I ever communicated well with you. I’m sorry, I didn’t-” He shakes his head and frowns.

“I’m in love with you.” The declaration tumbles out of Peter’s lips before he can stop himself and Parker’s eyes widen. It would be almost comical if he weren’t absolutely mortified. “I mean, I had these feelings for you and I couldn’t stop myself from letting them grow out of control. I know you still love Harry and everything, so I thought it would be better to end things between us. I couldn’t handle it — I was jealous, selfish, and I just wasn’t good enough for you.”

The words truly waterfall out of him then, his hands coming to his chest and emphasizing the depth of those feelings he’s been keeping at bay for months. “I thought that if we stopped hooking up then I’d stop feeling this way, but I just can’t. I’m sorry for being so hot and cold, for not speaking up sooner. You deserve better than that.” 

Parker blinks. “Wait, what?” 

“I wanted more from you — I’m sorry. I didn’t know how to say it and then it felt too painful to know you couldn’t return those feelings back.” 

“Oh, Peter.” Parker’s voice is sympathetic and soft as he tilts his head sadly. “I’m sorry, this is my fault, too. I should have been more direct, more honest with you. MJ was right.”

“MJ? Your ex-wife?”

“Yeah, um, I talked to her recently and she mentioned this habit I have-“ Parker looks away, embarrassed, and shakes his head before fidgeting with the dog leash wrapped around his hand. “I never really asked MJ what she needed from me and sometimes I would assume I knew better. I assumed a lot actually — like that you knew how I felt about you. I fell into old patterns, I guess.”

Now it’s Peter’s turn to be stunned. “What?”

“A part of me will always love Harry, just like a part of me will always love MJ, but that doesn’t change how I feel about you.” Parker sighs. “All those months ago, I told you you reminded me of him and it’s true — that’s what first drew me in. You look similar, but you’re so different. Otto told me about Ben and then you came to those office hours. You gave me this smile and I couldn’t stop thinking about you. Peter, I'm sorry if I caused you any pain. I shouldn’t have been too cryptic, I should have told you that I also had feelings for you — strong feelings — but I just thought that you were happy with keeping things casual.”

“You have feelings for me?”

“Yeah. Is that so hard to believe?”

“A little.”

Parker chuckles. “Peter, I’ve said this a thousand times. You’re amazing.”

For some reason that simple sentence wrestles a sob out of him and he breathes deeply, smiles softly, as Parker reaches out to hold his hand. 

“You’re amazing, Peter. You’re a good person, so kind and full of love. You might not believe it, but I do and I know everyone else sees it too.” 

“Thanks, thanks.” He bites back the urge to deny it — that little voice in his head wants to tell Parker that he’s wrong, but for some reason this time it’s easy to ignore it and shove that retort into a deep, dark corner.

Parker rubs smoothing little circles into his hand, “I like you and I want to try again. Is that…do you think that’s possible?”

Another sob, a happy one full of relief, wracks Peter’s body. “Yes! Of course! I would absolutely love that.” 

A smile breaks out across Parker’s face — it’s sweet, just a little crooked, and adorably dorky in that way Peter’s come to love. Under the yellow glow of the porch light, his wide blue eyes shimmer with happiness and the hope of a future together. It’s enough to force a hiccup out of Peter as he feels his face transform and lips curve into a smile so wide that it hurts his cheeks. He raises his hand to cup Parker’s cheek and runs his thumb over the edge of his jaw. Peter marvels at the openness of Parker’s expression and sniffles before launching himself into his arms, holding him close. He simply melts the moment he feels strong arms close around him tightly, and something small and furry presses into his shin. 

“I missed this.” Parker whispers close to his ear. “I missed you.”

Peter buries his face into his close cropped hair and smiles. “I missed you, too. By the way, I hope you know I’m never letting go.” 

“I wouldn’t have it any other way.” 

***

T

he next evening, Peter pulls up to Gwen’s house half an hour early and makes a half-hearted attempt to parallel park. The afternoon sun is on the way out, leaving behind a sky full of deep pinks and purples and a welcome chill is slowly descending over the city. Peter swipes at the sweat gathered on his forehead and wonders how his uncle was ever able to drive around with a broken air conditioner as he opens up all the windows and tries to park again. 

“Don’t laugh.” He says through gritted teeth as Parker purses his lips, eyes filled with mirth. Peter lines himself up with the car in front of his spot, prays that he doesn’t hit it, and tries once again to back in. The tires hit the curb before he even has a chance to straighten out, leaving him obnoxiously blocking the lane. 

“Ugh, I give up!” he exclaims as Parker laughs and Gwen bounds out of her apartment building with Captain Stacy rolling one of her suitcases behind him. A car honks behind him and he sticks a hand out the window, waving them to go around. The impatient driver gives an irritated honk and flips him off for good measure as they slip into the other lane. 

Peter rolls his eyes in response and causes another round of laughter from Parker. He gives him a lighthearted smack on the shoulder with a frustrated huff, but it’s all for show — the sound of Parker’s laugh brings back all the butterflies from the previous months and he knows he’ll do anything to keep making him laugh like that. The older man throws back his head with a loud guffaw as Peter jumps out to help Mr. Stacy and Gwen load up his uncle’s old minivan. 

“I still don’t see why I couldn’t have driven you to the airport.” He overhears Gwen’s dad grumble as he gives her one last hug. 

Gwen stands on tiptoe to reach her dad’s cheek and give it a kiss. “Because if you had driven me I would have never made it onto the plane. Besides, Peter’s an excellent driver!”

Mr. Stacy shoots a withering look at Peter’s horrendous parking job. “Uh-huh. Call us when or if you get to the airport.” 

Peter presses his lips together, knowing that this is not the time to remind Captain Stacy that he passed his driver’s license test with flying colors and only had to take it twice . Instead, he lifts a hand up. “Bye Captain! It was good seeing you!” 

Gwen gives her dad another quick hug before jumping into the back seat, a wide grin on her face. “Bye dad! Call you soon!” She yells, sticking her hand out and waving madly. 

With that, Peter carefully maneuvers out of the street before he can get honked at again and begins his route back to the airport. 

“Navigate me?” He asks Parker, as he checks the intersection. 

“Of course.” 

As he merges, Peter checks his rear view mirror and briefly catches sight of Gwen’s grin. He had called her that morning with an update on the whole Parker situation and, despite being dreadfully hungover and tired, she gave him a cheerful whoop and ecstatic congrats! “See, I told you! I told you that you had a chance!” She reminded him before groaning and going on about the rest of her night. 

“So, Professor Parker, where’s Peter taking you?” Gwen pipes up from the back seat, excitement evident in her voice. 

“I don’t know!” Parker responds, twisting a bit to look at her in the back seat. “All Peter said was that I needed to come with him and that he would drive. Also, you can call me Parker — if it’s a little less weird.”

Gwen mulls it over and shoots a knowing look to Peter, almost trying to catch his eye. “Parker works for me! After all, it’d be a little weird to call you Peter, too. But I’m glad you’re coming along, even though I'm surprised you’re letting Peter drive you to your date — he failed his driver’s test twice.” 

“What?!” Peter makes an undignified noise. “I did not! I passed it on the second try! Gwen, please, I’m an excellent driver.” 

From the backseat, Gwen cackles as Peter tries to explain the circumstances behind his failed test and before long she and Parker are tag teaming in gently teasing him. Between rounds of laughter and stories from their high school years, Peter looks over to Parker. In the golden light of the setting sun, his face is a masterpiece: the crinkles around his eyes deepen as he laughs at one of Gwen’s remarks; his neck curves gracefully, stubble catching in sunlight; and when he pauses to smile, the sun shines in those magnificent blue eyes and turns them into crystal clear skies.

“Terminal 4.” Gwen reminds him as they approach the airport and she navigates him to her gate. And there it is — this is the moment he’s been dreading and anticipating for a while now. Peter stops, shifts the car into park, and takes a deep breath. He can feel the pinpricks of tears coming on and he takes a moment to gather himself; he’s not going to ruin his best friend’s goodbye. 

But then he feels a strong hand around his own, and Parker wordlessly nods at him before giving his hand another reassuring squeeze. He jerks his head toward the trunk and Peter’s heart swells as Parker gets out to start taking Gwen’s bags out. 

With that taken care of, Peter goes to give Gwen her last goodbye. As he rounds the front of the car, he realizes with a start that her smile has waned. There’s a nervousness to her and he can see an uncharacteristic wetness in her eyes. 

“I guess this is it?” He opens his arms for a hug and stands strong as she launches herself into him and squeezes his torso. “You’re gonna do great,” He murmurs into her hair, squeezing her back just as fiercely. 

“I know.” Gwen mumbles. “But that doesn’t mean I’m not gonna miss you or New York.” 

Gwen pulls away and her eyes are definitely misty now. “We’re both going to have great summers. I can feel it.” She bites her lip and Peter knows that this bravado is her way of calming her nerves.

He nods enthusiastically. “Yeah! We’re both going to have great summers! And then you’ll come back, we’ll be roommates, and you’ll tell me about all your adventures.” His voice is determined and reassuring — just like Gwen’s all those evenings when he needed some extra support, a reminder that everything was going to be okay. 

“Yeah.” Gwen sighs and squares her shoulders. “Get ready to hear about all my hot international hookups and scientific breakthroughs!”

“I can’t wait.” Peter smiles gently and brings her in again for a final squeeze. 

They pull away with matching smiles and Gwen turns to Parker as he closes the trunk. “Come here, bring it in.” She commands with open arms. “Sorry, I’m in a hugging mood right now.” They embrace quickly and Peter marvels at the way Parker seems to easily fit into his life. 

Gwen grabs her bags and begins waving at them as they get back into the car. She continues to wave at them even as Peter drives out of the terminal and he feels a few tears leak out. 

“Hey, you okay?” Parker asks softly. 

Peter nods slowly. “Yeah.” He thinks back to all the late nights spent talking to Gwen about his guilt and feelings, their whispered chats in the library basement, and telling her about his ever growing crush on Professor Parker. His mind then flicks back to the spring semester and the dinners with Parker, afternoons spent lounging on the couch between him and Sandwich, and mornings when he’d wake up with a stupidly satisfied smile after an eventful night. It hits him in that moment, that this thing with Parker is actually happening and that they’re finally going on a date. 

Peter realizes with a start that this is just the beginning of a new chapter and that he has a chance for love and happiness with Parker. It’s a thought that would have normally overwhelmed him, but instead he feels oddly calm and self-assured. 

He reaches out blindly for Parker’s hand. “Yeah, I’m feeling great actually.” He turns to Parker briefly, catches that smile he’s grown so fond of, and holds his hand tightly before smiling back.