These Days I Sit on Corner Stones (please don't confront me with my failures)
Maybe Gwen was right, Peter idly thinks as he traces a freckle on the pale back of the man lying next to him. Maybe he did just need to get under someone else to get over Professor Parker.
A ray of sunlight streams in through the large windows and lands directly on Harry’s soft brown hair. Peter gives into the urge to tousle his hair and Harry stirs gently before rolling over to face him. He’s beautiful in the morning light; wrapped up in a sage green comforter, all sleepy eyed and pink cheeked. Peter marvels at the smattering of freckles he’s suddenly able to notice up close. Harry is stunning, full of easy elegance and boyish charm. Peter lifts his pointer finger down the smooth curve of his nose, over the sweep of his cheekbone and then follows the sharp line of his jaw. “Morning.”
Harry’s smile stirs something deep within him. “Good morning.” His voice is soft, barely louder than a whisper, but Peter can hear a certain kind of affection in his voice and it awakens something in him. “How’d you sleep?”
Peter feels the corners of his mouth come up into a smile, but decides to smirk instead. “Funny. I don’t think I got too much sleep last night.”
“Oh. Is that so?” Harry mirrors his smirk, as he brings up his hand to cup his chin. Peter leans into the soft caress.
“Yeah. I’m not complaining, though. I don’t need much sleep anyways.”
“Good.” Harry closes the gap between them and captures his mouth in a kiss. “Sleep is overrated anyways.”
***
Peter barely makes it through the door before Gwen zeroes in on him, looking up from a packet of papers. From her vantage point on the couch, her green eyes narrow and then widen as she takes one good, long look at him. “Tell me everything.” She pats the seat next to her and tosses her documents off to the side. She’s practically bouncing with excitement by the time he makes his way over to her.
“Um.” Peter rubs the back of his neck, suddenly very shy. He sits next to Gwen, still silent before suddenly blurting out. “Um. I hooked up with Harry?”
“Oh my god! Yes! Finally!” Gwen is ecstatic and her joy brightens up the room in spite of the gray dreary morning. It’s a miracle she doesn’t punch the air in triumph. “How’d it happen?”
Peter blows out his cheeks, unsure if he should tell her the truth: I met my professor’s wife and had sad/hot sex with a guy who looks a little like him — yeah, totally normal Thursday night. “Um. I was just in the neighborhood and you know. I just wanted to see him…and then things just… spiraled from there.”
“Finally!” Gwen squeals. “Do you know how long I’ve been wanting this to happen? Harry is perfect for you, Pete!”
Peter nods, desperately hoping it’s true.
***
They don’t define what they have going on and maybe it’s for the best. Between Thanksgiving, the end of the semester, and finals, Peter doesn’t really have a chance to sit down with Harry and ask him what he wants from him. Instead, they play it by ear and more often than not it culminates in them spending the night together at Harry’s. He likes this about Harry — he doesn’t dwell on uncertainty and is perfectly comfortable just going with this. Whatever this is.
Besides, it’s not like Peter’s traitorous heart has stopped feeling anything for Professor Parker. Parker returns to lecture the week after Thanksgiving break, apologizing profusely for missing class and letting them know that he’ll have extended office hours to make up for it. Peter isn’t sure if it’s just a figment of his imagination when Professor Parker’s gaze lingers on him, but feels his heart race all the same.
“Hey, do you still want to go to office hours this week?” Gwen asks him after class, as they trudge across campus.
“No. I think I’m good this week.” Peter lies, knowing that he can’t face Professor Parker after trying to deliver his coat at his house and meeting his wife. He grimaces at the memory.
Gwen is silent as they head to the library and she wraps her coat around her tighter, huddling against the brisk afternoon air. “Hey, did you notice he isn’t wearing his ring anymore?”
“What?”
“Yeah, his wedding ring. It’s gone.” She repeats breezily as they enter the library lobby. “I wonder if that’s why he was out for so long.”
Peter’s thoughts are stuck in his throat. Gwen marches on and he trails behind her, his head full of questions that he knows he’ll dwell on for the next few hours.
***
Peter spends the next few hours gazing off into the distance: thinking about Professor Parker’s hands, thinking about how much he shouldn’t be thinking about Professor Parker, and trying to touch up his photos to send into work. Thanks a lot, Gwen, he thinks bitterly as his brain refuses to budge around the bomb she’s dropped on him. It’s ridiculous. If Professor Parker has stopped wearing his wedding, it’s none of his business. He has a not-boyfriend, thank you very much.
Finally, he decides to call it. He’s cold, frustrated, hungry, and annoyed with the space Professor Parker is taking up in his brain. “I’m going to head home I think.” He whispers to Gwen.
She gives him a little nod, barely hearing him as she scrolls through her paper, looking for any errors.
Peter walks out of the library and blinks in the evening light, feeling disoriented. He checks his phone and calculates how long it’ll take him to get home, already feeling drained and not wanting to make dinner. Instead, he makes his best decision of the day.
“Hey Harry,” Peter grins against his phone, proud that he already knew that Harry would pick up on the second ring. “Are you still on campus? Oh, yeah? Do you want to get dinner? I’ll come to you.”
He tucks his hands into the pockets of his oversized jacket, watching the way his breath puffs against the cold December air. He’s never been one for winters in New York, but he likes the way the frigid evening sharpens his senses. It reminds him that it’s nearly the end of the year, and that new beginnings are near.
Peter tries not to dwell on the upcoming holidays too much, though. He had just spent Thanksgiving with Aunt May and, since it was the first one without Uncle Ben, they had reminisced. It had reopened that wound deep inside him that he had tried so carefully to patch up with drinking, dancing, and other distractions. He loved his Aunt May, he really did. But the guilt he felt at causing his uncle’s death filled him with dread whenever he saw her. How could he look her in the eyes knowing that he was responsible for his uncle’s death that night?
He flinches, thinking about the memory, and tries his absolute best to bury it deep down. It’s a problem for future Peter, he decides. Peter swipes his card into the building and makes his way toward Harry’s lab, footsteps echoing in the empty hallway and flyers fluttering as he passes by.
“Peter?”
He spins around, surprised to hear that voice. “Professor Parker?”
There he is — looking unfairly handsome under awful fluorescent lighting in the doorway of the building’s lounge area. The older man just nods in agreement, clutching his hot water kettle closer to his chest, and gives him a small wave.
“What are you doing here so late?” Peter takes a step forward and hopes his voice doesn’t betray the yearning he feels. It’s silly how incredible a hold this man has on him.
“Just catching up on some work.” Parker responds matter-of-factly with the tiniest of self-assured grins. “You know, I could ask you the same thing.”
“I’m just here to visit-,” Peter hesitates, unsure what to call Harry. “-a friend and get some dinner.”
Parker leans against the door frame, looking too much like a model and not enough like a professor. “You know, I never got to say thank you for dropping off my jacket.”
Peter shakes his head with a tight lipped smile. “Don’t mention it. If anything, I need to thank you for saving me from freezing to death and for you know…putting up with me while drunk.” He ducks his head in embarrassment, remembering only small bits of their conversation.
“It was no trouble at all.” Parker laughs as he runs his fingers through his hair and Peter tracks the movement carefully. Gwen was right — there’s no ring on his left hand anymore. The realization makes his heart race.
“Really? I find that hard to believe!” Peter’s not sure when his feet started moving him towards Parker, but he finds himself closer than before. He crosses his arms and hunches his shoulders, almost as if to will his limbs into keeping their distance from Parker. He’s already too close, given that he can clearly see the deep blue of Professor Parker’s eyes.
“No, no, no. You were great company! Besides, Sandwich really liked you!” Parker’s brilliant eyes amplify the honesty in his voice.
It’s not lost on Peter that Parker has also stepped towards him. Parker’s just an arms length away and Peter makes this startling realization just as he sees Parker’s hand reach out, as if to touch his elbow. His mouth runs dry and his brain simply stops working at the possibility of Professor Parker touching him.
“I-” Professor Parker starts, eyebrows furrowing as if he’s about to say something important but just can’t quite get the words right.
“Hey, Peter!” Harry’s voice snaps them out of their reverie and Peter swears that Parker takes an immediate step back, as if burned. “I was worried you got lost!” His voice reverberates down the hall as he strides over to them.
“Hey Harry!” Peter calls out brightly, trying not to look crestfallen at being interrupted. “Sorry, I got sidetracked!”
“No problem — I’m ready to head out!” He sidles up to him and places a hand on his shoulder, giving it a brief but affectionate rub with his thumb. “Oh! Hey, Parker! How are you doing?”
Professor Parker just smiles, his eyes guarded again. “Doing well, Harry. How’s your uncle?”
Harry shrugs, a short and nearly imperceptible movement. “He’s been better. He appreciated you spending Thanksgiving with him. It’s been lonely since…you know.”
Peter feels like he’s intruding on something he shouldn’t be privy to. He shifts nervously, wishing he could blend into the walls, and catches how Parker’s gaze drops to the floor. It doesn’t take a genius to know that this is about the other Harry. Parker’s best friend Harry.
Parker just nods in response. “Yeah.” The word comes out small and with a hint of regret
“Well,” Harry’s talent at dispelling awkward silences is incredible, “We really need to get going. See you around, Parker!” He grabs Peter’s arm and steers them out back outside, recapping his successes of the day and talking excitedly about dinner.
Peter turns back around one last time and sees Parker looking at them with a sad and almost envious look in his eyes. It makes him swallow uncomfortably.
***
“What’s wrong, Peter?” Gwen gives him a look as she reaches across the table to pause her computer, cutting off Kurt mid sentence.
Peter just looks at her, brown eyes wide, completely confused. He had been enjoying that episode. “What do you mean?”
She cocks her head, quirking her mouth as if he’s a particularly difficult experiment she’s trying to get to work just right. “There’s something up with you.” As always, she sounds so confident in her statements. And it’s true — she knows Peter better than he knows himself — there is something swirling in his mind, clouding his thoughts. He’s just not sure if he wants to tell Gwen about it.
He shakes his head and tries to busy himself with picking apart his pizza crust.
“Come on,” She needles. “Spill the beans.”
Peter rolls his eyes. “Spill the beans, really?”
She smiles as she brings her shoulders up. “Pretty please?”
Peter looks up at the ceiling, biting his lip, and tries to figure out how to explain everything that’s going on in his brain right now. “I’m…I’m not sure what I have going on with Harry and I feel…bad.”
He decides to go with the safe bet — that’s a lot easier than telling Gwen about going to Parker’s apartment, borrowing his jacket, meeting his wife, learning about his dead best friend, and having some kind of moment in the science building’s hallway.
“What do you mean?”
“Um,” Peter purses his lips and sighs overdramatically. “It’s complicated! I don’t know if we’re just fucking or if you know…”
“You’re boyfriend and boyfriend?”
Peter waves his hand dismissively. “I mean, yes. We don’t really have a label, and I’m not sure that either of us wants that, but still…it’s confusing. Like, are we exclusive? What happens if, say, one of us catches feelings or you know?”
“I don’t?” Gwen looks utterly perplexed. “I mean, to me, it sounds like you just need to have that talk. You need to really be honest with him — tell him how you feel!”
And there it is. “Okay, but what if I don’t know how I feel?”
Gwen blinks rapidly. “What, don’t you like him?”
“I mean,” Peter starts tepidly and that’s enough for Gwen to narrow her eyes at him. “Yes…I think? I mean, I know I like him. I’m just not sure…”
“Don’t tell me you’re still nursing your crush on Professor Parker.” Gwen still has her eyes trained on him, searching his face for any clues.
“I-”
“Peter!”
“What? I didn’t say anything!”
“Peter!” Gwen repeats, shocked. “You know he’s married!”
“He’s not wearing the ring anymore!” Peter knows that’s not the point, but he falls into her trap all the same. Whatever. “You saw it yourself! He hasn’t worn it for the last week of class!”
“Peter,” Gwen’s voice sounds defeated. “Even if he’s stopped wearing the ring, that means he’s going through a divorce. I know you like him and, believe me, I think he’s great. But…he’s your professor! There’s a power imbalance and an age gap and…” Gwen falters, trying to come up with the right words. “Are you sure he can give you what you need?”
Now it’s Peter’s turn to be stunned. “What do you mean?”
Gwen rests her hand on his. It’s much smaller than his, but it’s filled with more reassurance than is in his entire body. “I’ve seen you go through absolute hell this year. I just don’t want you to get hurt or have to take on someone else’s emotional baggage. That’s why I tried to set you up with Harry. He’s kind, and caring, and he really wants to be there for you.”
She gives his fingers a little squeeze, meeting his eyes in an effort to convey all that she’s feeling. “You’re my best friend, Pete. I just want you to be with someone who’s able to give you all the love you deserve.”
Peter’s heart swells at those words. He can’t seem to find the right thing to say and instead feels tears already rolling down his cheeks. “I don’t deserve any kind of love, Gwen. Not after Ben.”
“Peter,” Gwen folds him into an embrace, fiercer than he thinks should be possible given their awkward angles. “You deserve all the love in the world.