Chapter 2
A month goes by after Steve's birthday.
Bucky wakes slowly and then all at once, almost falling of the couch with the way his body jerks awake. He curses softly under his breath and squints his eyes because of the brightness of the tv. Reruns of Friends are still playing on the screen and Bucky takes vague notice of Ross yelling at Chandler and Joey that they were on a break.
At first he doesn't know what woke him, his brain still thick with sleep. He doesn't sleep well since the accident. Most nights are filled with flashbacks to the accident, ripping him awake every time his brain shuts down for longer than an hour. When he actually sleeps it's restless, leaving him exhausted and grumpy by the time the sun rises. Sometimes that's even worse than not sleeping at all.
Suddenly there's knocking on the door. Again.
That's what woke him up in the first place. Bucky frowns and pushes himself upright, looking at the time on his phone. It's three in the morning and the first thing he wonders is who the fuck knocks at peoples doors in the middle of the night.
He swings his legs to the side so he can stand up, all the while grumbling under his breath. Fuck, he's too old for this shit. He shouldn't fall asleep on the couch so often, his back seems to dislike that a bit too much.
The knocking returns, a bit more hesitant this time, just when Bucky rips the door open. Steve always scolds at him for opening the door without checking the peephole first and Bucky always rolls his eyes in response. If they want to rob him he'd like to see them try.
But they're not burglars.
It's Sam.
Irritation flares up inside his chest and without thinking his mouth starts talking. ''Have you lost your mind?'' he hisses, ''Have you any fucking idea how late it is?'' He sighs deeply and leans against the doorpost, his body heavy with lingering sleep.
Sam doesn't answer his question. ''I need to talk to Steve.''
Bucky snorts, he can't help it, crossing his arms while he's at it.
''Steve's not here. He's at Tony's. Probably sleeping like any normal person at this unholy hour.''
Something ticks inside Sam's jaw as he breaths out through his nose, closing his eyes momentarily. ''Can I come in?'' he asks. Bucky bites the inside of his cheek to refrain laughing but a small laugh bubbles up anyway.
''I think the fuck not.'' he laughs, moving his body away from the doorpost.
''Please.'' Sam presses, although it isn't really a question this time. The familiar anger he often feels while talking to the other man starts boiling inside Bucky's stomach. ''No.'' Bucky moves to close the door. ''Why should I let you in?''
''Because I have nowhere else to go, Buck.''
Bucky rips his mouth open to give Sam a piece of his mind about calling him 'Buck' again but the words die in his throat when his blue eyes meet Sam's brown ones. Suddenly he notices the way Sam's voice trembles with emotions, his eyes glossy with unshed tears, the way he swallows thickly.
The suitcase and overnight bag at his feet.
''I don't-'' He frowns, suddenly feeling conscious of the heavy emotion that hangs between them. ''What?''
Sam sighs and it sounds so incredibly sad that Bucky feels his chest squeeze uncomfortable. ''Nevermind.'' he mumbles as he moves to lift up his bags. ''Can you at least tell Steve to give me a call when he gets home?''
Suddenly Bucky feels downright terrible. He can't send Sam away, not like this. They may not like each other and insult each other all the damn time but Bucky's not cruel. Besides, Steve would kick his ass if he knew Bucky send Sam away.
''Don't-'' He sighs, opening the door wider as an invite. ''C'mon.'' Sam doesn't answer and hovers in the doorway, suddenly coming across as nervous. It makes him feel uneasy because normally Sam has no problem invading every space he can.
''Move it, Wilson.''
This time Sam does move, although it isn't in the way Bucky wants. He's waiting for a snappy remark but all he gets is Sam dragging his suitcase and bag inside without another word. The apartment is considerably warmer after the chill from the hall, causing goosebumps to break out on Bucky's human arm. He never sleeps with a shirt on but suddenly he feels too exposed.
He crosses his arms over his chest. The quiet is so tense it cuts right through the air. Sam looks one second away from bursting into tears and Bucky doesn't know what to do. How the fuck is he supposed to comfort a man who he hates? A man who hates him right back?
''Do you want to talk about it or something?''
Nailed it.
Sam huffs out a laugh and turns his head towards the ceiling. Bucky knows he's trying not to cry because he does the same thing when he feels like his eyes are going to boil over. Quietly telling himself not to cry, only for his body to betray him. Bucky watches the same thing happen to Sam when tears start to slowly drip towards his chin.
Fuck. He can't do this. He really can't. The older man sighs deep but soft before reaching out to Sam. After a little hesitating he presses his hand against Sam's back so he can gently nudge him towards his bedroom. ''Come on.'' he repeats in a whisper. ''You can take my bed for the night.''
Sam doesn't even protest, another obvious sign that something's terribly wrong. Normally he would seize the opportunity to make a cheesy remark about the fact he's allowed inside Bucky's bed.
He watches him as he climbs under the covers after removing his shoes, not even bothering with changing into something more comfortable to sleep in. Maybe he should suggest Sam should change, sleeping in jeans is a bitch after all, but eventually he keeps quiet.
''I'll be on the couch.'' He doesn't know why he says that because it's not like they're friends. It's not like Sam will actually make use of the fact that Bucky is close by so they can talk or something. They never talk like two normal people. They won't likely start now.
He waits another moment in case Sam will answer anyway but he doesn't. Bucky watches the way how he curls up under the covers and starts sniffing softly, indicating that his body can't contain the sadness anymore.
Bucky closes the door on the way out.
**
He doesn't sleep anymore after that. His brain keeps replaying everything over and over as he lays on the couch, staring at the ceiling like it'll grant him all the answers. Sometimes there's a small sniff from behind his bedroom door that his ears pick up but besides that it's quiet inside the apartment. Bucky tosses and turns for a while before giving up on trying to sleep entirely, sitting up again with a deep sigh.
The rest of the night goes by slow. He sends Steve a text about the whole situation, despite knowing Sam probably already did. He watches Friends with the sound off and reads for a bit in his book.
It's just past seven when Sam slowly makes his way to the kitchen.
Bucky is sipping his coffee, sitting at the kitchen table when Sam comes into view. He looks exactly like how Bucky feels, like death walking. Bags under his eyes betray his lack of sleep, as if his tired eyes don't already tell that story on their own.
He lingers in the doorway as if he doesn't really know what to do. Bucky watches him for a moment before standing up. ''Sit down.'' he says, nodding towards an empty chair. Sam does without answering. Bucky busies himself with making another cup of coffee, taking comfort in the familiar smell of coffee beans and sugar.
''Sugar?'' he asks.
Sam shakes his head. ''No.''
Buck nods before handing Sam his cup. The other man takes it with a quiet thanks, wrapping his hands around it. The silence returns but this time Bucky makes sure it doesn't stay for too long. He doesn't know how late Steve will return home and the last thing he needs is an awkward silence occupying their day.
''You want to talk about what happened?''
Sam's shoulders immediately go tense. ''Not with you.''
''Wow.'' Bucky nods slowly. ''Okay.''
So much for avoiding an awkward silence. Bucky chews on his lip, a nasty habit he has since being a child. He is contemplating calling Steve or even visiting him at Tony's, yanking him back home with him so he doesn't have to deal with this alone, but Sam breaks the silence before he can make up his mind.
''Sorry.'' Sam's voice is filled with shame suddenly. ''I didn't mean it like that.''
''I'm sure you did.'' Bucky rolls his eyes when Sam looks up at him. ''Don't worry about it, man. You don't have to tell me anything.''
Maybe it should hurt that Sam would rather bottle everything up inside instead of speaking about it with him, but it doesn't. They aren't friends, they don't even like each other, so why would Sam bother with spilling his secrets to Bucky all of a sudden?
''He kicked me out.''
Bucky lifts his eyes from his coffee to look at Sam, a bit startled by hearing his voice. There's a beat of silence wherein he doubts of what to answer.
''Who did?'' he settles on eventually.
Sam's mouth presses into a thin line. ''Brian.''
''Right. The man we all know so well.'' Bucky exclaims, earning him a dry look from Sam. It feels a bit more like any 'normal' conversation between them.
''My boyfr-'' Sam cuts himself off with a frown. ''Ex.''
Bucky snorts. ''I didn't know you had a boyfriend. Can't imagine it, too.''
The younger man rolls his eyes and sips his coffee again. ''Piss off.'' he murmurs. ''As if you are capable of feeling anything besides brooding.''
''Brooding isn't a feeling.''
''Piss off.'' Sam repeats. His voice sounds more clipped this time, signalling Bucky that maybe he crossed the line. That's also something that happens a lot between them. They will exchange light-hearted banter until one of the two takes it too far, pissing the other off within a heartbeat. Apparently Bucky is guilty of crossing the line this time.
Apologizing feels wrong somehow, so he takes a deep breath instead. ''Why did he throw you out?'' Maybe it isn't his business but a small part of him is curious. He didn't know Sam had a boyfriend in the first place, let alone that they lived together.
A small smile pulls at Sam's mouth but it looks forced and a tad too sad. ''I caught him in bed with someone else.'' Bucky feels his heart squeeze in sympathy. He may not like Sam but he'd never wish such pain on him. Nobody deserves to get cheated on.
''I think I missed the part where you kicked him out of the house.'' Bucky carefully confesses.
Sam shrugs. ''I don't know. There was a lot of yelling and crying,'' he grimaces. ''mostly by me. But suddenly he got all angry and he just-'' He stops talking. To see Sam so vulnerable is really unsettling to Bucky. He pities Sam and of course he believes Brian is in the wrong here but Sam is still Sam. That doesn't change.
''He put the blame on me and kicked me out.''
Bucky's not sure why that comment itches him in the wrong way.
''That doesn't seem fair.'' he comments.
Sam shrugs again. ''Life isn't fair.''
That statement makes Bucky hum in agreement. His heart tugs inside his chest again. Before he can say anything else Steve bursts through the front door. A flush decorates his cheeks, proving he probably rushed to get here as soon as possible. His gaze falls on them both sitting at the kitchen table before settling on Sam.
''I got your messages. What happened?'' Sam's eyes flicker over to Bucky as if he isn't sure he wants to talk about it in detail with Bucky in the same room. He knows Sam probably doesn't mean it like that but it makes raw irritation flame up behind his ribs.
He can't help but react out of pure anger. For once he tries to be nice to Sam instead of picking up a fight and what does he get in return? Nothing.
The worst part is that a small piece of him thought it would be different this time. He never expected Sam to lay his whole heart out on the table, of course not, but it would be nice for a change to have a normal conversation with him. The way Sam looks at him now hurts more than he'd like to admit.
It'll always come down to this. Bucky will always be the bad guy in Sam's eyes.
His jaw clenches as he stands up. Steve must sense something is wrong because he quickly turns to Bucky.
''Where are you going?'' Confusion seeps through the words.
''Anywhere but here.''
''Buck-''
He huffs out a laugh and shakes his head. ''Trust me, I know when I'm unwanted.'' The words sting even though he says them himself. Insecurity claws at his stomach so hard it makes him almost tear up, the kind of white-hot feeling surging through your stomach when you hear or read something extremely painful or accurate.
Neither Sam nor Steve try to stop him when he leaves the kitchen.
He's angry at himself for crying a little in the shower.
**
The thing is, Bucky knows he isn't healthy. Mentally speaking.
The accident left its marks, not only physically. He came a long way since but there's still a lot of room for improvement.
Most of the time he's still feeling anxious. He gets irritated too fast, most nights are filled with nightmares or flashbacks, he doesn't trust people easily and overall he feels alone. Steve's always there and his days are filled with work but the quiet moments remind him of how messed up he still is.
Loneliness is something he's painfully familiar with.
After the accident he was depressed for a long time. It's a certain part of his life he doesn't like to think or talk about. It was a nasty time where he almost lost himself completely if Steve hadn't been there.
He's trying but these little setbacks, like crying in the shower over something stupid like feeling excluded, makes him realise he isn't doing that good. Steve would disagree because he believes that Bucky is far better than he once was. He always tells Bucky just as much.
Bucky never believes him.
After taking a shower he changes into soft joggers and a sweater since it's his day off, not bothering with formal clothes. He feels weirdly emotional when he sits on the edge of his bed. Maybe it's just one of those days. Where the smallest things set him off and everything feels like too much. Maybe he simply slept too little last night.
He's still mulling it over when there's a knock on his bedroom door. Bucky doesn't answer but he doesn't have to, the door opens anyway to reveal a sheepish looking Steve. He smiles gently when he closes the door, crossing the distance to the bed where he takes a seat next to Bucky.
Somehow Steve always knows what's going on inside his head, even when Bucky doesn't understand it himself.
''You didn't have to leave.''
Bucky shrugs and doesn't answer. He feels off somehow. Steve seems to notice, carefully curling his fingers around Bucky's wrist to ground him.
''I didn't want to make any decisions without asking you first.'' Steve takes a deep breath before continuing. ''Sam has nowhere else to go, at least for a little while. He can go to a hotel, but they're so expensive ..''
''You want to let him stay here.'' It's not a question, simply an observation. Something heavy settles behind his ribs. Sam squeezes his wrist. ''Only if you agree, Buck. It's our apartment, not only mine.''
He nods slowly. There's room enough with one extra guestroom, but it makes him feel restless nevertheless just thinking about seeing Sam every single day. They both have their respective work so it's not like they're 24/7 in one room together, but it doesn't feel right. He can already see all the fights happening.
There's a small voice in the back of his head whispering to simply tell Steve no. He has the right to do so, to reject the idea because it doesn't feel right for him. Sometimes they don't agree and that's fine.
It doesn't feel fine this time.
Because he knows that Steve will be disappointed when Bucky tells him no. He'll get that judgemental look in his eyes, a few layers down, because he's disappointed that Bucky can't act like a grown man when it involves Sam. He'll put the blame on Bucky despite telling him he doesn't.
That's why he shakes his head and shrugs. ''He can stay here. It's fine.'' Steve squints his eyes when he looks at Bucky, as if he's trying to see through his lies. ''Are you sure? Because you guys aren't exactly .. y'know.''
Irritation bubbles inside his tummy again, mixing with shame this time. It's partly his fault that they don't get along but suddenly it feels like he's the only one at fault.
''I said it's fine.''
''And I asked if you are sure.'' Steve presses.
Bucky rolls his eyes for good measure. ''Yes, Steve. We wouldn't want Wilson to spend his below average pay check on his stay at a hotel.''
Steve snorts but seems happy with the outcome of their conversation. That's all that matters to Bucky, even if it leaves him feeling unhappy. ''Imagine that.'' Steve laughs, standing up again so he can walk to the bedroom door. ''I'll get him settled in the guestroom.'' He shoots Bucky another smile before leaving the room, closing the door behind him.
The silence makes him feel even more lonely than before.