Bathtime

“That hasn’t happened in a long time.”

Steve looked up from his plate. Dinner time was usually when Bucky would talk about things he found important, but Steve was shocked that he was willing to discuss the bath incident so soon.

“What happened in the bathroom,” Bucky clarified.

Steve put down his fork, giving Bucky his full attention. “Well, from everything Sams told me, that's pretty normal for someone who has been through the kind of trauma you have.”

“I know… I just-” Bucky sighed and rested his forehead in his hand as his breath picked up. “I- I- I feel-” 

“Hey, hey,” Steve said, moving to the chair next to Buckys, “Just breath, pal.” He rubbed his hand up and down the brunette's back, attempting to coach his breathing.

The sound of sharp and stuttery inhaling and exhaling filled the room for a few moments. “Sorry,” Bucky whispered once his breathing was closer to normal.

“You have nothing to be sorry for.” Steve smiled gently. “Do you want me to go first?”

Bucky nodded.

“Alright,” Steve said leaning back in his chair, “ I feel… sad. I feel sad because I know how hard these kinds of things can be for you. I feel troubled because I wish I could help you more and take away all of your pain. And I feel… angry at the people who hurt you.” As Steve spoke, Bucky’s eyes drifted down his hands, and he started picking at the skin near his nails. It was a nervous habit Bucky had developed more recently, which often left his fingers and cuticles bloody and mangled. It wasn’t uncommon for him to do it during the ‘I feel’ exercise, considering how straining it could be. 

Steve took both of Bucky’s hands into his own, which turned Bucky’s gaze to Steve’s eyes. “I also feel so incredibly proud of you for coming and talking to me. I feel so grateful to have you in my life. And I feel so happy that you’re here right now.”

Bucky bit his bottom lip. “Thank you,” he said, his voice a bit shaky, “My turn?”

“If you’d like,” Steve replied and used his hand to lovingly brush a lock of hair out of his friend's face.

There was a long beat of silence before Bucky spoke. “I feel… scared b- because I don’t really understand what's happening. Um, and I feel scared because I can’t stop it- it just happened and I didn’t want it to. And I-I feel di-disgusting because…” Bucky stopped talking and instead started wiping the tears from his face as he tried to take deep breaths. And, after a minute or two, he was calm enough to start speaking again. “I, uh, I also feel embarrassed… that you- um, that being touched like that… that you had to see that. I'm sorry.”

“You’ve got nothing to apologize for, Bucky. And there’s nothing to be embarrassed about. I’m just glad you’re recovering.”

Bucky smiled slightly. “Thanks, Steve.”

“Of course. I hope you know I’d do anything for you. If you ever need something, I’m here to help,” Steve said, pulling his friend into a gentle embrace.

---

“Steve, can I ask you a question?”

The two men were nearing the end of their dinner when Bucky started the conversation. He had had two therapy appointments since the incident, and Steve hoped that Bucky had discussed it with his therapist. He didn’t ask, however. It was something incredibly personal and Steve decided that if Bucky wanted to talk about it with him, he would.

“Of course. What is it?”

Bucky fiddled with his napkin while speaking. “Um, I was wondering if you could… wash my hair again? You don’t have to! I understand if you don’t want to do it again after, um, what happened last time, but…”

“Is this something you’ve talked to your therapist about?”

Bucky nodded.

“Then of course I will, Buck. I’d do anything to help you.”

Steve couldn’t help but notice how Bucky let a small, grateful smile tug at his lips.

---

“You ready?” Steve had finished filling the tub up with warm water much quicker than Bucky had anticipated. He was hoping he would have time to build up some more courage, but he knew that the small spark of bravery he was feeling would have to do.

Bucky still shifted nervously before he spoke. “Um, I was actually supposed to ask you something else too…”

Steve smiled softly and nodded. “Whatever you need.”

Bucky took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a moment, preparing himself for what he was about to ask. “Well, first I have to make sure you know that you don’t have to agree to do it if you don’t want to. And I mean that. If it makes you uncomfortable, please- please just say no.”

Bucky paused, his gaze moving from the floor and slowly drifting up to Steve, who looked at him patiently and nodded.

“Well, if what happened last time happens again,” Bucky took a deep breath in, “Would it be alright if I, um… touch myself while you wash my hair?”

---

Steve would be lying if he said he didn’t feel at least a little awkward touching Bucky after the discussion they had had with Bucky’s therapist a few days earlier. He never expected to have to talk about his best friend’s, well, habits so outwardly and in so much detail. But, he wanted to ensure Bucky would be safe if Steve agreed to his request. He also wanted to make sure he was doing what was right for Bucky. He wanted to help in whatever way he could.

And now, here they were. Steve was washing Bucky’s hair for the fourth or fifth time, and it seemed that Bucky was actually able to relax during the process again. 

The first few times after Bucky asked the question, he had been much too anxious to relax during his hair washings. His fist always remained tightly clenched during the process and his eyes always remained open. Now, however, Steve could see that his hand was relaxed, his eyes were closed, and he was taking deep, calming breaths. It made Steve smile. He had been worried that after what had happened last time, he would never see Bucky relax like this again, but luckily he was wrong.

Steve continued to massage the shampoo into Bucky’s scalp, letting him relish in this moment of peace. He listened to Bucky’s deep breaths as they became a bit uneven. Bucky tilted his head a bit to the left, letting the weight of it rest in one of Steve’s sturdy hands, and let out a sigh.

With Bucky’s head out of the way, it was easier for Steve to see the rest of his body. Steve tried not to stare, but it was a bit difficult, he had to admit. The sheen of wetness left on Bucky’s toned chest only accentuated his muscles. Steve tried not to look any lower than that, but he couldn’t help but steal a glance at the other man's lower body a few times.

“You doing alright?” Steve asked in a hushed tone. Bucky nodded and shifted slightly.

“Is it alright if I…” Bucky hesitated, his eyes opening slightly.

“You can do whatever you need to, Buck.”

Bucky sat up a bit straighter than before, no longer leaning into Steve's hand. “Could you keep washing my hair?” Bucky asked, his voice barely above a whisper.

“Of course,” Steve said as he got back to work, gently messaging shampoo into the brown locks of hair before him.

It took a couple of minutes for Bucky to relax again, but soon enough his eyes were closed and his breaths had gone back to a deep rhythmic pattern. That's when he finally made his first move. Steve watched as Bucky brought his remaining hand forward, in front of his body. This time Steve really tried to mind his own business and just focus on scrubbing Bucky’s scalp. That focus became much harder to maintain, however, when Bucky’s breath started to hitch and his body started to twitch every once in a while. Steve tried to ignore the all too familiar movements Bucky’s arm was making, but god was it hard. Just knowing what was going on in front of him, just out of sight, was enough to make Steve’s jeans feel too tight. Still, he remained respectful, only doing what Bucky had asked of him.

After a few minutes more of Steve desperately trying to ignore everything other than the movements of his own hands, Bucky let out a small gasp and leaned forward, out of Steve’s reach. Steve watched the water splash around Bucky’s arm along with his ministrations for only a second before he looked away. He didn’t really have anything else to look at, but it felt wrong to not give Bucky at least a bit of privacy while he finished up, so to speak.

A few moments and gasps later, Steve finally stopped hearing splashing sounds and saw the soapy mop of wet, brunette hair come back into his peripheral. He turned his head and looked at the man in front of him, and boy was it a sight. Bucky’s chest rose and fell with each deep breath, his lips slightly parted. His eyes were open slightly, and his expression was full of bliss. Luckily for Steve, who was left speechless at the view in front of him, Bucky spoke first.

“Do you think,” he took a deep breath, “you could wash my hair out?”

Steve nodded and quickly got to work turning the handheld showerhead. He ran his fingers through Bucky’s hair one last time, making sure all of the sudds were washed away. And before either of them could get up, Bucky spoke.

“Thank you, Steve.”

A slight smile spread across Steve’s face. “Of course, Buck. Anything for you.”