What is Love?
Elle knew her danger, had known it all along.
She’d known the Tuesday walks and coffees with James were a mistake.
Every Tuesday, became Tuesday and the last Friday of each month, and then: Tuesdays and the one Friday each month and most Sunday afternoons, and occasionally Monday, or Wednesday or Thursday.
She knew she shouldn’t still think of him when they parted ways at the bus stop.
She’d never been to his place, never invited anyone to hers. And still, she knew. The barriers she’d built around herself so long ago hadn’t been enough.
It had been so easy to spend time with him, to paint on their bench, and share cronuts. So easy to fall.
And Elle had fallen.
Still, she told herself it was ok, as long as he didn’t know, as long as he believed their friendship was mutually platonic it wouldn’t hurt anyone but herself.
But oh, how it hurt.
Bucky Barnes thought he knew what love was.
He’d seen it when Matt had returned from a several-weeks absence, a black eye and split lip, limping into the back of the reading room and Elle had directed the rest of the kids to the colouring books and opened her arms for the boy.
Matt had crumbled into her embrace, and Bucky recognized the deadly spark in her usually warm eyes. And when the group of kids had been bundled back into the van, Elle had waved them off with a smile and then turned her energy to her phone.
She made call after call, making sure there wasn’t a single person in the administration of child placement that didn’t know Matt should never return to his father, she could care less what a judge had said.
That was love. It burned in Bucky’s soul.
Elle wouldn’t tell him who had hurt the boy, and while she sympathized with his desire to hurt the man, she couldn’t condone vigilante-justice.
“I know, I just feel so helpless.” Bucky had finally let out.
“Show up for Matt, let him know you’re there for him, that’s what he really needs from you James.” Elle’s hand grew heavy on his arm and her eyes were wet when he looked up at her. “Matts had a bad run with the men in his life. You’re the first guy I’ve ever seen him comfortable with, but that trust is still fragile, don’t give him any reason to doubt you.”
Bucky had nearly broken at the implication of her words. Matt had reminded him of Steve, and he’d come so naturally under his wing, become so important to Bucky that he’d never considered what he meant to the kid.
James Buchanan Barnes knew what it meant to love; he’d always known.
Love was caring so much for someone that you wanted to make the world better, brighter, safer for them, regardless of how much it might cost you. He’d been willing to die for Steve, and their brotherhood was the only reason Bucky had fought so hard to live. Steve had given so much to save him, and Bucky chose repay him by living.
That was what love looked like.
Choices.
And Bucky wanted to choose them.
He wanted Matt to have a home that was safe, as much food as a growing kid could ever eat, and the love of a family he’d never have to doubt again.
He wanted Elle to walk the street without constantly looking over her shoulder, he didn’t know what made her paranoid but he recognized the way she scanned a new place every time she entered. He wanted her to feel safe, to always see the world with the beauty and light she depicted in her paintings.
And in some small little way, Bucky felt that he could provide what they needed.
Matt stood taller when Bucky stood beside him, his confidence visible as he hollered “Sarge” across the library, eager to teach him the intricate secret handshake he’d devised.
And Elle didn’t check the shadows when Bucky walked beside her, instead she hummed. He could make her laugh, he could ease the burdens she carried just by being there.
For the first time in half a century Bucky felt like he had something to offer. Not as Sargent Barnes of the 107th, not the Winter Soldier, not the White Wolf, just him, as he was.
“What’s going on in that brain of yours? You’ve been quieter than usual, and that’s saying something.” Elle probed gently, leaning on his shoulder to watch the birds in the tree above their bench.
Bucky’s breath caught in his throat. Was this the moment?
He remembered Elle’s warning, and he’d waited. But now? Now, he was sure.
He knew he wasn’t imagining the way his heart leapt at the sight of her. And he was confident that Elle felt it too. The spark that leapt across his skin when they touched was reflected in her eyes. Comfortable as they’d become with each other, he still wanted more.
Elle was still waiting for his answer, patient as a saint as he worked through his thoughts.
“I want you to meet Steve and Sam.”
Elle choked on air, sitting up abruptly. “What?”
“You should meet my friends.” Bucky answered slowly, carefully keeping eye contact with her, urging her to trust him. “They’ve been asking about you.”
Her eyes narrowed, watching him for any hint of uncertainty, and widened again when she didn’t find any. She’d never asked to meet them and that was one of the reasons that Bucky trusted her. Too many people had approached him in the months after his pardon, hoping to benefit from his connections, trying to get to Steve or hoping for their own 15 minutes of fame. So, he’d cut his hair and shaved off the beard, and to his relief it had worked to deflect the attention he’d gotten on the street from passersby.
“James, I- I don’t-” Elle’s brain had stopped working, anxiety building into a buzzing in her skull. “Why now?”
“It’s about time the most important people in my life meet, don’t you think?”
Bucky’s expression was open, and Elle read the significance behind his words in his eyes.
“Elle.”
The softness in his voice as he spoke her name made her flinch as she realized her terrible mistake.
“No. no. Don’t. We- I, can’t. It’s just, it’s proximity and serotonin, whatever you think this is, its not real. Don’t, James, don’t do this.” Elle was backing away, her hands raised, full blown panic in her face.
“Give me a chance, please.”
Bucky’s final plea nearly broke her resolve.
The pain on his face as she spun away did break her heart.
She ran, and she didn’t look back.